Tuesday, May 31, 2005

How was YOUR weekend?

Mine was fine. Thanks for asking. Some of my co-workers had a rough time of it though. It wasn't quite as bad as the Monday we all got back to work and discovered that twelve of us had come down with a stomach virus over the previous weekend but this was pretty bad:
  • One girl got kicked in the face by a horse. She's okay. It just grazed her but it could have been tragic. She has a big black eye.
  • One girl's house and vehicles were damaged by a hail storm.
  • Jen T. was acosted at her boyfriend's band's gig. It's on her blog.
  • One of the men in the office was harassed by a very scary man at Wal-Mart in San Antonio. This was much scarier than I'm making it sound.
  • One girl's weekend at the beach was ruined when half of the people staying at the cabin got a stomach bug.
  • Fav File Clerk fell while trying to get into a boat and has a huge bruise on her leg.

Freaky deaky.

Monday, May 30, 2005

I Really Don't Know Clouds at All

When I was very young, I was fascinated by the weather. At the age of 7 or 8, I had a weather book. Even at that young age, I was a nerd. While my siblings were choosing toys after our bi-weekly grocery shopping trips, I would just as often choose a book.

Although I was terrified of the weather and spent a lot of time under the dining room table hiding from thunderstorms, I was amazed by the cloud formations in my book and by sleet and hail and tornadoes and hurricanes and frost and snowflakes. I would look at the sky and say, "That's cumulus." Or, "That's nimbus." Or, "That's strato-cumulo-nimbus." Pretty much, no one else cared, but I was amazed.

Last night, after posting those pictures of the thunderstorms, I was reminded of my old fascination. It also made me think how wonderful it would be if every night, there would be a nice little thunderstorm between 2:00 a.m. and 3:30 a.m.

Wouldn't that be heavenly?

Here are a couple of links to more storm photos:

Summer of 1972

Tonight I popped in my DVD of Pink Floyd Live in Pompeii. As I was reading the back of the case, I noticed the original film was made in 1972. A lot of the movie seemed like a parody of This is Spinal Tap which is a movie that is a parody about movies like Pink Floyd Live in Pompeii. My God, David Gilmore was a beautiful man. At this moment, that's all I remember about the DVD.

Perhaps the melancholy of coming down off a five day steroid high is finally setting in or it was the right time for me to experience a rush of nostalgia. The summer of 1972 was not a good one. I was 17 years old and that summer we would lose a close childhood friend in a motorcycle accident and my cousins, siblings and I would lose our first close relative, my grandfather, to cancer. We lost our innocence in a big way that summer.

Typical of this family, however, there is a funny story that goes along with taking my grandfather to the hospital from the home to which he would never return. We would return there one more time to clean things out when my grandmother moved in with my aunt. It was the house of so many Sunday dinners and Saturday afternoon crab boils and was always filled with Cajun music (unless wrestling was on), laughter and the smells of a roux cooking or chicken frying.

As my mom and her two sisters were leading grandpa down the wooden sidewalk toward the cars where we were waiting, I was watching trying not to think of anything in particular. Suddenly, I noticed a hestitation by my grandfather. "Oh my God," I thought, "Something is happening." I heard my aunt say, "Daddy, keep going, we're almost there." But, grandpa was saying something in French which no one could understand. My mom said, "Daddy?" Then, she started laughing. Then, my aunts started laughing. Grandpa had lost so much weight, his pajama bottoms had fallen down around his ankles and he couldn't move. However, in his weakened state, he was no match for his younger, stronger daughters who were relentlessly trying to drag him down the walk.

I'm glad that's the memory of that day that has stayed with me most vividly all these many years.

A Hard Rain's Gonna Fall

Bad weather here tonight. I hear the thunder and I see the lightning. Someone sent me these pictures so I thought I'd share. (These were supposedly taken somewhere in the Mid-West.)

*Storm* Posted by Hello

*Storm* Posted by Hello

*Storm* Posted by Hello

*Storm* Posted by Hello

*Storm* Posted by Hello

Sunday, May 29, 2005

Laurie's Mini-Mini Reviews

Garden State - Brilliant

Closer - Brutal

Sideways - Brooding *

* Sideways gets extra credit, however, for the reference to Confederacy of the Dunces.

Saturday, May 28, 2005

No Jive Train for Me Tonight

No Jive Train for me tonight:
  • One sister out of town
  • Other sister not in the mood
  • Fear of bumping formerly injured shoulder
  • Shouldn't drink on the Prednisone anyway


  • Watched Sideways
  • Watched Closer
  • Watched Garden State

Mini-reviews tomorrow. Just like Ebert's only worse.

Disregard the Previous Post

One of my jobs at the law firm where I work is to review every fax that comes into the office and assure the prompt delivery and handling of urgent matters. While several of the faxes during the day are of the urgent variety, the majority are routine. The firm receives hundreds of faxes a day.

Yesterday, I received a fax with the line typed in bold across the top of the letter, *Please disregard the previous letter.* With faxes constantly pouring in, I'm supposed to know exactly which letter this dip-wad is talking about. There was no explanation of which letter the writer was referring to, not a date, not subject matter, nothing.

That would be like me telling you guys, *Please disregard the previously written post. I was drunk.*

Friday, May 27, 2005

Friday Night Standup - Dennis Miller

  • A new poll shows that Senator Kerry's support in the South is strongest amongst blacks. Kerry's appeal to Southern blacks is obvious. He is a white man who lives far, far away.
  • A recent police study found that you're much more likely to get shot by a fat cop if you run.
  • I still feel pangs of remorse over an insidious habit I've had since I was a teenager. About three times a week, I attend estate auctions and make insulting, low-ball bids for prized heirlooms until I'm asked to leave.
  • I'm like Bush, I see the world more like checkers than chess.
  • If some unemployed punk in New Jersey, can get a cassette to make love to Elle McPherson for $19.95, this virtual reality stuff is going to make crack look like Sanka.
  • Police in Washington D.C. are now using cameras to catch drivers who go through red lights. Many congressmen this week opposed the use of the red light cameras incorrectly assuming they were being used for surveillance at local brothels.
  • President Bush gave his first-ever presidential radio address in both English and Spanish. Reaction was mixed, however, as people were trying to figure out which one was which.
  • Washington, DC is to lying what Wisconsin is to cheese.
  • What is guilt? Guilt is the pledge drive constantly hammering in our heads that keeps us from fully enjoying the show. Guilt is the reason they put the articles in Playboy.
  • As for what many are calling racial profiling in the aftermath of September 11th, well, get ready to be pissed off, you ACLU-Fucking-Morons, we're dealing with a massive threat and limited manpower, so, you want them to check everybody out equally? Sure, fine okay, but let's at least compromise and put the Swedish dwarf a little further down the list than the Iraqi explosives expert carrying a Belgian passport with more eraser marks on it than Kid Rock's trig final.
  • There's a lot of differing data [about global warming], but as far as I can gather, over the last hundred years the temperature on this planet has gone up 1.8 degrees. Am I the only one who finds that amazingly stable? I could go back to my hotel room tonight and futz with the thermostat for three to four hours and I would not detect that difference.
  • Sure, the lion is the king of the jungle, but, airdrop him into Antarctica and he's just a penguin's bitch.
  • And quit bringing up our forefathers and saying they were civil libertarians. Our founding fathers would have never tolerated any of this crap. For God's sake, they were blowing peoples' heads off because they put a tax on their breakfast beverage. And it wasn't even coffee.
  • You know there is a problem with the education system when you realize that out of the 3 R's only one begins with an R.

Damn Steroids - Part 2

I'll be 50 in September and I've always said that when things start sagging, I won't be embarrassed to have a little nip, nip here and a little tuck, tuck there and it won't be a secret. If I'm going to spend that kind of money, it won't be done on a secret trip to the Caribbean. I'm taking out ads in the newspaper and putting up a billboard on Dowlen Road.

In the past, my only fear was that I might eventually end up looking like Priscilla Presley (seen her lately? Oh, my!) or Joan Rivers. I have a new one to add to that list: Burt Reynolds.

Damn Steroids

It's almost 3:00 a.m. and what better than to be checking e-mail because of one of the less enjoyable side-effects of steroids, restless sleep. The good news is my curve ball is coming along nicely and I've added 5 mph to my fast ball. (I stole the baseball thing from Wanda Sykes when she was on the Daily Show earlier this month.)

I also had the following thought (via e-mail conversation earlier this evening) which may or may not be as insightful as I think it is:
  • I always wanted to be a Madam. They get pick of the litter, so to speak. After all, Miss Kitty always got Matt Dillon. Oh, they did it. You know they did it...a lot. That's why Doc was so cranky. He and Festus were sitting down there in the Long Branch arguing all the time because they knew Matt was upstairs gettin' some Kitty.

*With thanks to Wang Chi who said this poster was perfect for Miss New Orleans...Ummm...tequila...* Posted by Hello

Thursday, May 26, 2005

New Family Bloggers

My little sister Bonnie and my cousin Kara have started blogs. Check them out on my sidebar. Sorry, I had to move the rest of you blogger friends down a couple of notches, but family comes first.

Salle de Bains de Colombe (The Dove Crapper) - It Just Sounded Better in French

Who was I kidding? I knew I couldn’t stay away from here until Sunday. I'm the type who doesn't realize how sick I am or how much I hurt until I feel better and ZOWIE, do I feel better! Of course, it might be the mega-dose of steroids the doctor has me on that makes me think I feel so great, but, who cares? My shoulder hurt so bad Monday, that if he had told me, “Here, shoot this heroin. It’s all I got.” I would have said, “Pick a vein, dude.”

As promised, here is the picture of the chairs on my patio that the doves are using as their own personal outhouse. Last year, they only used the chair on the left. This year, however, since there are four of them rather than two, they have also designated the chair on the right as fair game. Perhaps one is for lady doves and the other is for the gentleman doves. I don't know. It's all just birdshit to me.

*Pic* Posted by Hello

Wednesday, May 25, 2005

Blogger Down

Blogger had my blog down all afternoon and most of the night last night. It's true I'm taking a few days off from blogging because of my shoulder ( I HAVE to type at work), but I didn't shut down the whole blog. Enquiring minds wanted to know.

Talk to you Sunday, after the prednisone wears off. I already feel a mood swing coming on.

Tuesday, May 24, 2005

Taking a Few of Blogging Days Off

Sunday, I went to Lowe's with mom and dad and Bonnie. While looking at gas grills, I somehow injured my right shoulder. It was a cute little grill for just $99 and the perfect size for my patio. When I went to close the lid, it was heavier than I expected and, so as not to make a scene, I somehow jammed my shoulder. The thing is, I wasn't even shopping for a grill. I don't even want a grill but, by God, I might go back and buy the bastard now just so I can get something out of this ordeal.

My shoulder hurts like hell. The doctor says I have *traumatic bursitis*. Every trip to the bathroom its own little adventure in ergonomics. Driving my car is frighteningly suspenseful but manageable as long as I don’t use 5th gear and this mouse action is killing me.

Plus, the doctor put me on a pretty high dosage of Prednisone for the next five days and if I start having mood swings, I don’t want to run my mouth off on this blog and tell you people more than I want you to know. There’s plenty of archived stuff here to keep you guys busy for a few days.

I leave you with this quote:
  • Anything can happen to me tomorrow, but at least nothing more can happen to me yesterday. Ashleigh Brilliant

Monday, May 23, 2005

Embarrassing Moment One and a Half

This isn't the other embarrassing moment that I had originally intended to post but my sister, Bonnie, reminded me of it in a comment on my previous embarrassing moment post. She later told me a part of the story that I didn't know until now.

After New Orleans and Las Vegas, my next favorite city is Galveston including the Crystal Beach area. We usually try to rent a beach cabin on Crystal Beach for a week every summer and there is absolutely nothing more relaxing. Crystal Beach has great little local bars and restaurants (Sharkey's, Stingaree, Mama Theresa's, Coba's). Yeah, it's time for a beach trip.

My embarrassing moment happened in Galveston. We had gone into Galveston which is across Galveston Bay from Crystal Beach. You get there by ferry which I also love. I don't remember why we were in Galveston but we had lunch (probably at Gaido's) and after we ate, we were standing around by the front door and I told Bonnie I had to use the restroom.

I went into the restroom and the first thing I noticed were urinals on the wall. It never occurred to me that I had accidentally walked into the Men's Room. I just wondered why there were urinals in the Ladies' Room. After about five seconds (a long time when standing in the restroom of the opposite sex), I realized what I had done and hauled ass out of there.

The part that Bonnie later told me about, which makes it even more embarrassing, is that my entire family saw me go into the Men's Room. They saw me. They discussed it ("Did Laurie just go into the Men's Room?" "Yep."). But, no one went in after me. They just stood there waiting for the punchline to my little impromptu joke.

I owe them one big time.

Sunday, May 22, 2005

Happy Anniversary!

Today is my son Cory and his wife Jamie's first wedding anniversary. Happy Anniversary! I love you guys.

Appropriately enough, the doves returned to my courtyard today. I bought this townhouse in September of 2002. In the spring of 2003, I had one gray dove move into my patio under my philodendron. He stayed a few weeks and then left. The next year, I had two doves. This year I have four. The first year, I was sad when he left but now that I know they'll return, I won't be sad this year. I am a bit concerned, however, about what will happen to my courtyard dove-wise by the Spring of 2010.

The temperature for the last two days has been in the upper 90's and we've only had about nine inches of rain so far this year. The doves crap on one particular chair and nowhere else. Not under the chair, on the chair. I think the original 2003 dove must have told his friends, "Coo coo coo. Coo coo." Translation: "Hey, I know a place that's cool and shady and has a great crapper. Follow me!"
*Pic* Posted by Hello

Saturday, May 21, 2005

Spend That Overtime

I decided the best way to make the most out of having to go into work this afternoon was to go to Best Buy and blow the overtime on CD's and DVD's. Here's what I bought:


  • Green Day/American Idiot
  • Collective Soul/7even Year Itch
  • Foo Fighters/The Coulour and the Shape
  • Red Hot Chili Peppers/Greatest Hits
  • Earl Thomas Conley/The Essential Earl Thomas Conley

DVDs (I guess I was in a trendy, Sundance-y, self-indulgent kind of mood):

  • Closer
  • Garden State
  • Sideways
  • Napoleon Dynamite

I'm going to put on a pot of coffee and have me a little film festival. The last time I tried to watch Napoleon Dynamite, it put me straight to sleep; hence, the pot of coffee. If the mood strikes me, I'll post reviews, but don't hold your breath on that one.

Off to Work

I'm going in to work today. I know it's Saturday but things are getting very busy again and I just can't face this stuff on Monday morning. When I tore the page on my desk calendar before I left work yesterday, I swear this is what it read:
  • I’m only going to dread one day at a time. Charles Schultz

It shall be my new mantra.

Two Things I Forgot to Mention

Two things I forgot to mention about last night:
  • At some point, I was standing right in front of the DJ booth and this chick runs off the dance floor straight toward me at top speed with fire in her eyes. Turns out, the DJ had just asked a trivia question and was giving away some sort of prize. Scared me to death. I thought she had mistaken me for someone who killed her dog or something.

  • As Bonnie and I were walking to the restroom, she said something to me and I stopped, took half a step back to talk to her and almost bumped into a guy who was standing there with his girlfriend. I didn't come close to touching him. 99% of men would have grabbed me, smiled real big and said *whoops* or something equally colorful. This asshole said, "EXCUSE ME!" very loudly and very rudely with this horribly mean look on his face. I have a rule to stay away from assholes and drunks in bars but it took everything I had to not go back over there and ask him what his problem was. Had he never been in a bar before? If you're going to sit in a chair right by where people are walking, in a bar, you're going to get jostled a bit. I assumed he was wanting to pick a fight with someone, but a girl?! What an idiot.

Earl Thomas Conley Review

This is one of my reviews done while intoxicated in which, if I make no errors, I f**king rock. Please do not compare it to Wang Chi's brilliantly written, presumably sober, reviews of Al Stewart concerts.

Baby Sis, Bonnie, is here to assist me. She has a bad case of the New Orleans hiccups but she is endeavoring to persevere. However, she is currently watching George Harrison and Eric Clapton sing Tax Man on VH1 Classics so she isn't being of much help.

Tonight, Bonnie and I saw Earl Thomas Conley (ETC - I call him ETCetera) at Wild Bill's. Earl looked f**ked up but he sounded great. However, his stage banter sounded disturbingly similar to Boomhauer of King of the Hill.

Bonnie and I staked out a position stage left, beside the hot lead guitar player. Second lead guitar was sporting a semi-mullet and beared an uncanny resemblance to Travis Tritt. The drummer, however, had a sexy Johnny Lang sort of vibe going on and I immediately fell in love (lust). He was my focal point for the evening. (The bass player and the keyboard player were on the other side of the stage so I have no comment on those guys. )

I thought Earl sounded wonderful, even from our unfortunate choice of non-geometrically (speaker wise) positioned vantage point. However, the Jagermeister shots might have had something to do with our impression of Earl's vocals. Plus, Bonnie had an additional shot of Tuaca so she thought it was all good.

It was a great crowd and we danced our @$$es off. Sometimes, country rocks. The sad part is that I know that tonight's concert will somehow get mixed up in my brain with the Pat Green concert and the John Conlee concert and the Charlie Robison concert and the Johnny Lee concert and all of the other honky tonk concerts I've seen. Well, for tonight anyway, I'm happy.

Goodnight and sweet dreams.

Friday, May 20, 2005

Tonight's Plans and Boy Toy Update

Beaumont has done it to me again. Lately, there's so much good music playing around here, I'm forced to choose between equally good entertainment options. Tonight, Earl Thomas Conley at Wild Bill's trumps Wayne Toups and the Cam Pyle Band out at Crockett Street. Sorry, Cam. See you next month.

I sure hope Bonnie doesn't win any tickets again tonight forcing me to seduce another 30 year old guy. Of course, I'm willing to make that sacrifice for my little sister...because it worked out so well last time. I've had a couple of comments and e-mails asking me if the guy ever called so I'll share what happened if anyone is still curious.

He did call at 5:30 p.m. but I had called t.o.d. (time of death) on the date at 4:00 p.m. At 4:00 p.m., I had two options. I could either shower and get ready for the concert or get comfortable. I chose to get comfortable. There is nothing worse than getting all dressed and poufed and perfumed and just sitting and waiting.

When he called at 5:30 p.m., I told him I had been outside all day (partially true) and that since I hadn't heard from him, I assumed he had changed his mind. I fully expected him to say, "Okay, no problem." I wasn't upset at all and I thought he probably already had someone lined up for the other ticket. However, he seemed totally shocked. He didn't say a word for a while then he said, "I lost your number and just found it." I said I was sorry again and he just sat there. It was horrible. I felt (and still feel) kind of bad about it. I sure hope he went to the concert.

Friday Night Standup - Jerry Seinfeld

  • It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.
  • Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.
  • The Four Levels of Comedy: Make your friends laugh, Make strangers laugh, Get paid to make strangers laugh, and make people talk like you because it's so much fun.
  • There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, "I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked."
  • Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end.
  • You know you're getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It's like, "See if you can blow this out."
  • People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to.
  • There is no such thing as "fun for the whole family."
  • Can't we just get rid of wine lists? Do we really have to be reminded every time we go out to a nice restaurant that we have no idea what we are doing? Why don't they just give us a trigonometry quiz with the menu?
  • Did you ever notice, when you are sitting at a red light, that when the person in front of you pulls up a couple of inches, you are compelled to move up too? Do we really think we are making progress toward our destination? "Whew, I thought we would be late, but now that I am nine inches closer, I can stop for coffee and a danish!"
  • Isn't it weird that we drink milk, stuff designed to nourish baby cows? How did that happen? Did some cattleman once say, "Oh, man, I can't wait till them calves are done so I can get me a hit of that stuff."
  • My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty, and that's the law.
  • The big advantage of a book is it's very easy to rewind. Close it and you're right back at the beginning.
  • The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. "Come on, buddy, let's go. You get past me, the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off. I've got the toe clippers right here."
  • Would somebody please explain to me those signs that say, "No animals allowed except for Seeing Eye Dogs?" Who is that sign for? Is it for the dog, or the blind person?

Singing Drummers

My radio just woke me up to Don Henley singing In the Long Run. Singing drummers amaze me. Don Henley, Levon Helm, Phil Collins, Dave Clark, how do you do that?

Thursday, May 19, 2005


Today, I was driving home from a long, crazy day at work, contemplating murder. I watch all of those murder stories on Court TV and you’d be amazed at how cheap it is to hire someone to kill someone. I saw a show the other day with a guy on it who hired a guy to kill his ex-wife for $5,000. I remember thinking, “Is that all it costs? I can come up with $5,000.” It sort of scared me that I thought that but, it was good information to have. Just in case.

The person I wanted to murder today was a total stranger. I was stopped at a stop sign when a guy in a huge-ass truck, talking on his cell phone, nearly took off the whole left side of my poor little Toyota as he turned the corner. As he passed me, within inches of my driver’s side door, he looked down at me, looked straight into my eyes...and smiled. He actually looked down upon me from above and smiled. I wanted to kill him. I didn’t want to hurt him. I didn’t want him to get a ticket. I-wan-ted-to-kill-him! I could come up with $5,000.

Wednesday, May 18, 2005

That Was Embarrassing

Embarrassing Moment Number 1 -

If a tree falls in the woods and no one is there to hear it, does it make a sound? If you do something embarrassing and no one sees you, is it still embarrassing? I say the answer to both questions is yes.

The first law office I worked in had identical offices for each secretary and attorney. I hadn't been working there very long and I was constantly worried that I would screw something up and bankrupt the entire firm. So, I was always preoccupied. One day, I was returning from the kitchen and walked into my office. I sat down in my chair and noticed that the radio was on and wondered who the hell had turned it on. Gradually, I looked around and noticed that other things weren't quite right. I slowly leaned back in the chair and looked into the attorney's office to my right and that's when I realized I had walked into the wrong office.

Although the offices were structurally the same, each secretary was allowed to decorate her office any way she liked and this office looked nothing at all like my own office. If a normal person walked into the wrong office which didn't have her furniture or any of the usual office crap that we accumulate in it, she would take half a step, look around and quietly mumble to herself (dumbass!) and walk out. Not me. I walked into the office next door to mine, sat down and didn't realize what I had done until I heard the radio. I still wasn't sure where I was until I looked into the attorney's office.

And, that was when I was young!

Embarrassing Moment Number 2

Tuesday, May 17, 2005

Only for you Rik

My blogging friend Rik who lives in Italy left a comment on the scary Burger King commercial post that he had never seen one of those commercials since he lives overseas. I warn you. Be sure you're up on all your meds before you watch the clip.

Someone else left a comment saying that the horribly horrific Burger King sounds even creepier than he looks. I don't think I've ever heard him speak. Of course, that's probably because I either (a) change the channel immediately or (b) go into a seizure induced catatonic state.

You've been warned. I accept no liability for your eventual inevitable dementia. I found a clip on this page. It's about halfway down the page. You can't miss it.

Monday, May 16, 2005

At Least It Wasn't Me

After work last Thursday, I went to my credit union to deposit my paycheck. I had pulled in a little far from the kiosk and I thought, "God, please don't let me drop the cylinder when I try to put it back." For some reason, God cooperated, I didn't drop the cylinder and I drove on to Walgreen's to pick up a prescription.

I decided to go through the drive-thru there also. It has two lanes and there were four of us there, two at the windows and two of us behind those guys. I was daydreaming and kind of watching the cars in front when the guy on the right reached out of his window, retrieved the cylinder, removed his prescription, reached back out of the window to replace the cylinder and dropped it. Better him than me, I thought.

Not only did he drop the cylinder, it rolled under his brand new big-ass manly Texas-type truck. Not only that, part two, when he tried to open his door to get out of his truck, there was barely enough room for him to get out so he had to squeeeeeze out of the door in a very awkward and unmanly sort of way.

When he was finally able to get out of the truck, he bent down and tried with all his heart to reach the cylinder but it had rolled too far under his truck. The poor thing had to squeeeeeze back into his truck and drive up a short way, get out of the truck, smile sheepishly at the lady in line behind him, pick up the cylinder and replace it in the kiosk.

Then, horror of horrors, the lady in line behind him shouted at him. She wasn't being a bitch. She knew him! As if the whole incident wasn't humiliating enough, the person right behind him knew him and had seen the whole thing.

I wonder if she blogged it.

Sunday, May 15, 2005

Scarier Than Pope Satan


Posted by Hello

Boy Toy Update

It's 4:00 and the *boy toy* hasn't called regarding the Willie concert this evening so I'm calling that a no-show. Top 10 possible reasons he didn't make the call:

Reason number 10(a): He lost my number.

Reason number 10(b): I accidentally gave him the wrong number. My bad.

Reason number 9: The girlfriend he allegedly broke up with 2 weeks ago is not aware of the fact that they are broken up and will be in my seat in Section V watching Willie. Enjoy.

Reason number 8: He's a goofball.

Reason number 7: He never saw me in the daylight and he never saw me before he had consumed a few cocktails so he's fearing *coyote ugly syndrome*, especially since I'm an *older woman*. (If you'll pardon my arrogance, the joke's on him on that one.)

Reason number 6: The fact that he spent $80 for the tickets didn't impress me enough to have sex with him Friday night so he's thinking his chances would have been pretty slim tonight also. (Good guess.)

Reason number 5: He forgot about the concert (see Reason number 8).

Reason number 4: Family emergency (*Uh, my dog died?*)

Reason number 3: Previously mentioned *former* girlfriend (see Reason number 9) kicked his ass when she heard about the hot babe he was hustling Friday night. (That would be ME, people. Stop laughing.)

Reason number 2: The friend who was with him Friday night has threatened to blackmail him with said *former* girlfriend and the friend will be sitting in Section V enjoying Willie tonight.

Reason number 1: The rocket scientist lost the tickets.

Saturday, May 14, 2005

Shitty Blog Club

I am a proud member in good standing of the Shitty Blogs Club. I am currently lobbying for Blog of the Month for May because I really like the button (see below). My platform is that I will tell all my friends that the button means that my blog is *the shit* rather than *shitty* which makes me a liar as well as a shitty, if consistent, blogger.

Our shitmaster has instructed that if we want to be considered as Shitty Blog of the Month for May, we must pimp the Shitty Blogs Club. So here it is.

(By the way, if this post has offended you, tough shit. I mean, excuse my French.)

Posted by Hello

Going up my stairs. I just knew you were dying to see this view. Posted by Hello

The view to the right as you walk into my house. Posted by Hello

The water stain is right above the red chair against the wall by the stairs. Posted by Hello

The Sky is Falling

Before I went out last night, I glanced up at the ceiling in my living room and noticed the sheetrock was peeling and there was a big water stain right under where my bathtub sits upstairs. This can't be good. I keep thinking of the movie The Money Pit.

To contrast my dilapidated ceiling, I have also posted other pictures of my lovely living room. Plus, I just like seeing into other people's houses. Maybe some of you will post pics of your living rooms (with or without water stains).

*Pic* Posted by Hello

Urban Cowboy 25th Anniversary

We went out last night to the Dixie for the 25th Anniversary Party of the release of the Urban Cowboy. My sister, Bonnie, called a bunch of people she used to hang out with at The Palace, The Texas Swing and Wild Bills here in Beaumont back in the late 70's and early 80's. The Dixie had the movie playing on the monitors. They had bull riding contests and they had dance contests.

I had a great time and met a 30 year old man who fell madly in love with me. (It might have been madly in lust, but that still counts, doesn't it?) Twenty-five years ago, when I was 24, I would have been intrigued by that. Last night I was just confused. Today, I'm still confused. Sunday, he's taking me to see Willie Nelson with tickets he bought from Bonnie after she won the Urban Cowboy trivia contest.

Either that or I hallucinated the whole thing. I better call Bonnie.

Friday, May 13, 2005

Friday Night Standup - Groucho Marx

  • A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.
  • A man's only as old as the woman he feels.
  • A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.
  • Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.
  • Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
  • Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.
  • From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.
  • Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough.
  • Go, and never darken my towels again.
  • Humor is reason gone mad.
  • I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.
  • I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.
  • I must confess, I was born at a very early age.
  • I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
  • I remember the first time I had sex. I kept the receipt.
  • I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
  • I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.
  • I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it.
  • If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.
  • If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again.
  • It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.
  • Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
  • My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something.
  • No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early.
  • One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.
  • Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.
  • Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.
  • Room service? Send up a larger room.
  • She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.
  • The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.
  • There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, "Yes," you know he is a crook.
  • Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.
  • Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know.
  • When I was young I was amazed at Plutarch's statement that the elder Cato began at the age of eighty to learn Greek. I am amazed no longer. Old age is ready to undertake tasks that youth shirked because they would take too long.
  • Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?
  • Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.
  • Why a four-year-old child could understand this report. Run out and find me a four-year-old child. I can't make head nor tail out of it.
  • Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me?
  • Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!
  • Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse.
  • Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough.
  • Women should be obscene and not heard.

Thursday, May 12, 2005

Are You Sirius?

On the way home from work today, I heard a commercial for Sirius satellite radio...on the radio. Wouldn't that be like turning to your husband and saying, "I like you and everything honey, but I'm phasing you out for someone who doesn't talk so much. Here, carry this sign around advertising for my new boyfriend who will render you obsolete."

Wednesday, May 11, 2005

Me and the Daily Show with Jon Stewart

The Daily Show with Jon Stewart did a piece last night about blogs and they mentioned the site of Skippy the Bush Kangaroo. Last month, that very blog linked to me. It was for one post only, but still! That's one degree of separation between me and The Daily Show. Yeah, baby!

My Imitation of Tara Reid (and a Big Ass Moose)

The moose picture and Tara Reid mention (along with the link below showing her left boob) are only to trick the men into reading this post about my mammogram today. (Who am I kidding? You guys went straight to the Tara boob link, didn't you?)

Before I left the office to go to the clinic for the dreaded smushing, one of my friends said she didn't think it was fair that she should have to pay full price for a mammogram since her boobs are so small. This reminded me of my first mammogram. The clinic called me a day or so after the test and informed me I had to go back in, which scared the hell out of me. It turned out that my boobs were so big and dense (a lovely word), that they needed to use the bigger machine. It reminded me of Roy Scheider in Jaws: We gotta get a bigger boat!

Now, for my imitation of Tara Reid on the Red Carpet. (Don't click there, yet. I'm not done.) Before the mammogram, I was put in a little room and told to strip from the waist up and put on one of your standard issue hospital gowns with the opening to the front. They then handed me a clipboard with the same patient history sheet I have to fill out EVERY DAMN TIME I go back for a mammogram. I was having a hell of a time keeping my right boob in the gown while balancing the clipboard and trying to write the SAME DAMN INFORMATION I've written on that wretched clipboard for the last ten years.

I finally gave up and sat there with one boob hanging out while I wrote. I didn't even give a crap. I had been there an hour and a half while my work piled up back at the office and, if anyone walked into that room, they were going to get a great big eyeful of boob. It would have made it all worth my time just to see the look on some old lady's face. However, I got called in for my squishing before anyone came in. Maybe next time.

Okay, now you can go look at Tara's boob.

*Pic* Posted by Hello

Tuesday, May 10, 2005

Just In Time for Summer

*Meth Lab* Posted by Hello

Mock Fest '77

Beaumont, Texas is having a stadium rock festival called Rock Fest '77 (also called RockFest 77) featuring the Rolling Stones, Pink Floyd, AC/DC and Led Zeppelin. With the exception of the Led Zeppelin tribute band that will be playing, I have seen all of these guys and they put on fantastic shows. For details, check out this expertly researched article by Wang Chi. You can also go here for details.

Monday, May 09, 2005

Robert Plant on David Letterman

I planned to be in bed long ago but when I heard Robert Plant was going to be on Letterman, I had to stay up.

I think it's impossible to compare rock groups and I could never pick a favorite between The Beatles, The Rolling Stones and Led Zeppelin, though people are always asking each other those sorts of questions. It would be like trying to compare REM to Nirvana to the Red Hot Chili Peppers. It can't be done. All that being said, I lean ever so slightly toward Led Zeppelin if I were forced to pick between them and the Stones and the Beatles.

I'm still awake 30 minutes after Letterman ended because I'm a little depressed. When did Robert Plant start looking like Gene Wilder? I don't know if watching my DVD of The Song Remains the Same will make me feel better or worse.

To quote D'yer M'ker: Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh...

What Was That?

I was quickly walking across the lobby this morning when my shoe suddenly made a fart noise on the wood floor. I kept walking because, as usual, I was in a hurry. I was about ten steps past the receptionist desk when I realized that the receptionist (actually it was one of our young file clerks) probably thought I farted and that I kept walking without saying anything out of embarrassment.

I started to go back and tell her that I hadn't farted and that my shoe had made the noise on the wood floor when I realized that if I actually had farted, that would have been exactly what I would have told her. By the time I thought it all through, I was back at my office and the receptionist had probably already called or e-mailed at least a couple of people with the bodily function news flash.

If she did spread the word, I hope my little shoe fart was a bright spot in their otherwise uneventful day. I exist to bring joy to others in whatever disgusting way I can. It's a gift.

Sunday, May 08, 2005

Deer Me

What do you call a blind stag? No eye deer.

What do you call a blind stag with no legs? Still no eye deer.

What do you call a blind stag with no legs and no dick? Still no fucking eye deer.

Kiss my...

Bonnie, mom and I went out to lunch yesterday to a great little cafe in Old Town before doing our Mother's Day shopping. (Terry stayed home with a sore shoulder to rest up for the big day.) The lunch was delicious but, for reasons that will become obvious, I promised the waitress I wouldn't name the restaurant.

Our poor waitress was the only waitress there and she was waiting on us and four other tables in one dining room and a party of about forty in the other dining room. She kept apologizing to us and we kept telling her not to worry about it because we weren't in a hurry and it was a beautiful day and, in so many words, we basically didn't give a sh**.

Eventually, we were the only people in the little dining room and the waitress said, "Did you tike the lea?" instead of "Did you like the tea?" (It was raspberry and really good, as was the bread pudding, but I digress.) I said, "I've been doing that all day. I asked mom and Bonnie if they wanted to come to the Ted Romato today instead of the Red Tomato." (That's not the real name of the restaurant, by the way, but, if you know Beaumont restaurants, I probably just gave it away.)

The waitress said, "I have to tell y'all a story. I have a roommate who has small children and I'm not used to watching my language. One day, I told a friend of ours to 'kiss my ass' but realized that I couldn't say that around the kids. So, I regressed forward (brief interruption: she really said regressed forward which I thought was hilarious by itself) and tried to decide what I would tell him the next time he pissed me off. I decided I would tell him to 'kiss my tush' or 'kiss my butt.' However, the next time he made me mad, I instead said, 'Kiss my bush.'"

She didn't mention whether or not she's still allowed to speak around the kids.

Saturday, May 07, 2005

Happy Mother's Day, Mom!

My mom was a stay at home mom to four kids until I was about to graduate from high school and my little sister was twelve years old. She had worked at the church (St. Joseph Catholic Church on Procter Street) typing the weekly bulletin and various other secretarial type things for many years and decided it was time for a full-time, paying job.

She enrolled at Stilwell Technical Center in Port Arthur in the Office Education Program in 1974 at the age of 38 and upon graduation went to work at Texaco Credit Union. She worked there for over twenty years and was teller supervisor for many of those years.

Of course, neither of those jobs were her most interesting or most challenging. She also sewed (and still sews) all of my dad's clown suits and character costumes (he is also The Nutty Professor and a wizard of some sort). She has helped my dad create magic tricks and one time, they even made a ventriloquist's dummy. The puppet's name was Root-Toot. (I didn't like Root-Toot. He had big scary eyes and he *slept* in an old brown suitcase. You can imagine how I feel about those damn Chucky movies.)

I called the house the other day and she and dad were laughing. I asked what they were doing (a dangerous question for grown children to ask their retired parents who are home alone all day, but I did it without thinking) and she said that dad was showing her a new trick. In some families, that might be a euphemism for sex, but not my family. I'm sure the trick was a real humdinger involving multi-colored scarves and pulling things out of things and...wait a minute....

Happy Mother's Day, mom!

We love you,
Laurie, Cory and Jamie

(The picture above is from the same batch of pictures as the one of me and my dad and my sister in front of the Christmas tree with my broken leg. If you look in the upper left corner, you can get a tiny glimpse of me in my big-ass wheelchair.)

*Mom and Dad* Posted by Hello

Friday, May 06, 2005

Sunday Morning Comics (Two Days Early) - Calvin and Hobbes

I still miss Calvin and Hobbes:
  • I like maxims that don't encourage behavior modification.
  • Reality continues to ruin my life.
  • Weekends don't count unless you spend them doing something completely pointless.
  • It's psychosomatic. You need a lobotomy. I'll get a saw.
  • I understand my tests are popular reading in the teachers' lounge.
  • Where do we keep all our chainsaws, Mom?
  • That's the difference between me and the rest of the world! Happiness isn't good enough for me! I demand euphoria!
  • As a math atheist, I should be excused from this.
  • This one's tricky. You have to use imaginary numbers, like eleventeen ...
  • I have a hammer! I can put things together! I can knock things apart! I can alter my environment at will and make an incredible din all the while! Ah, it's great to be male!
  • "Do you believe in the devil? You know, a supreme evil being dedicated to the temptation, corruption, and destruction of man?" "I'm not sure that man needs the help."
  • Calvin: I'm a genius, but I'm a misunderstood genius. Hobbes: What's misunderstood about you? Calvin: Nobody thinks I'm a genius.
  • Calvin : You can't just turn on creativity like a faucet. You have to be in the right mood. Hobbes : What mood is that? Calvin : Last-minute panic.
  • "I'm a simple man, Hobbes." "You?? Yesterday you wanted a nuclear powered car that could turn into a jet with laser-guided heat-seeking missiles!" "I'm a simple man with complex tastes."
  • "See Any UFOs?" "Not yet." "Well, keep your eyes open, they're bound to land here sometime." "What will we do when they come?" "See if we can sell mom and dad into slavery for a star cruiser"
  • "Bad news Dad. Your polls are way down." "My polls?" "You rate especialy low among tigers and six year old white males."
  • "Mom's not feeling well. So I'm making her a get well card." "That's thoughtful of you." "See, on the front it says, 'Get Well Soon' ... and on the inside it says,'Because me bed isn't made, my clothes need to be put away and I'm hungry. Love Calvin.' Want to sign it?" "Sure, I'm hungry too"
  • "MOM, CAN I SET FIRE TO MY BED MATTRESS?" "No, Calvin." "CAN I RIDE MY TRICYCLE ON THE ROOF?" "No, Calvin." "Then can I have a cookie?" "No, Calvin." "She's on to me."
  • Hobbes : "Do you think there's a God? Calvin : "Well somebody's out to get me!"
  • "Any monsters under my bed tonight?"
    "Nope." "No." "Uh-Uh."
    "Well there *better* not be, I'd hate to have to torch one with my flamethrower!"
    "You have a flamethrower?"
    "They lie. I lie."
  • Hobbes : "It says here that by the age of 6, most children have seen a million muders on television." Calvin : "I find that very disturbing...it means I've been watching all the wrong channels."
  • H : "What are you doing?" C : "Being cool." H : "You look more like you're bored." C : "The world bores you when you're cool."
  • Calvin: Our top-secret club, G.R.O.S.S.-- Get Rid Of Slimy girlS! Susie: Slimy girls?! Calvin: I know that's redundant, but otherwise it doesn't spell anything.
  • I'm looking for something that can deliver a 50-pound payload of snow on a small feminine target. Can you suggest something? Hello...?
  • We are a fierce and dirty band of cut-throat pirates! Keep a sharp lookout matey, we dont want any sissy girls on our ship!" "We *dont* like girls???" "Of course not dummy, we're a murderous bunch of pirates, remember?" "Who do we smooch then?"
  • "This meeting of the Get Rid Of Slimy Girls club will now come to order. First Tiger Hobbes will read the minutes of our last meeting."
    "Thank you. (9:30) Meeting called to order. Dictator For Life Calvin proposed resoultion condemning the existence of girls. (9:35) First Tiger Hobbes abstains from vote. Motion fails. (9:36) Patriotism of First Tiger called into question. (9:37) Philosophical discussion. (10:15) Bandages administered. Dictator For Life rebuked for biting."
    "Is this a great club or what?"
    "(10:16) Forgot what debate was about. Medals of bravery awarded to all parties."
  • "I'm never gonna get married. Are you?" "Hmm...I suppose if the right person came along, I might. Someone with green eyes and a nice laugh, who I could call 'Pooty Pie'." "POOTY PIE?" "Or bitsy pookums." "I think that would affect my stomach a lot more than my heart." "Bitsy pookums I'd say. Yes snoogy woogy, she'd reply..."
  • "Do you like being a girl?" "Its gotta be better than the alternative." "Whats it like? Is it like being a bug?" "Like a WHAT?" "I imagine bugs and girls have a dim perception that nature played a cruel trick on them, but they lack the intelligence to really comprehend the magnitude of it."

Styx Photos

Local photojournalist, Mark Hancock, has some great pictures of the Beaumont Styx concert on his sight.

Thursday, May 05, 2005

Now That's a Snake

Why do the men always look so happy in these pictures?

Posted by Hello

Turkey Hair

Turkey Hair - Morning hair that is flat in the back from sleeping on it but still high on the top from hairspray and teasing because the hair was not brushed before going to bed.
Example (and origination of the term): The video, that dad took Thanksgiving morning 1973 at 5:00 a.m., of mom putting the Thanksgiving bird in the oven showed mom's turkey hair.

A few weeks ago after work, some of us went to Chula Vista for $2 margaritas. The margaritas and the food were very good. We sat on the patio which was shaded and had a wonderful breeze blowing through. It was a nice leisurely change of pace from the crowds downtown.

After a couple of hours and a couple of margaritas, it was time to head home for American Idol. On the way home, I noticed a guy in the car next to me checking me out. After two margaritas, I was feeling the love. At the next stop light, I casually looked over at him and smiled. He smiled back and sped away from the light.

After he pulled away, I pulled down my visor to see just how good I was looking and there it was. The wonderful breeze on the patio had given me a disturbingly huge case of turkey hair.

Can you feel the love?

Wednesday, May 04, 2005

The Best Advice You'll Get Today

As a public service, I am giving you the following advice absolutely free:
  • Never yawn as you walk into a public restroom.

Today, I made the mistake of absentmindedly yawning as I walked into the restroom at the office. Big mistake. I know you men probably think that ladies' restrooms are all roses and lilacs and softly scented lotions and creams. I'm here to tell you, it ain't.

I stopped mid-yawn but had already inhaled a huge mouthful of fonk (fonk is like funk only worse). I was considering spraying my throat with one of the fifteen cans of Lysol in there but thought better of it.

The reason there is so much Lysol around is that, a few weeks ago, we had some sort of weird epidemic at the office. Fortunately for the firm, it hit all of us over the weekend. We didn't know until we got to work on Monday that twelve of us had come down with some sort of stomach virus over the weekend. They scoured the kitchen, put anti-bacterial gel dispensers all over the office and, literally, six cans of Lysol in each of the restrooms.

You would think that stink-butt would have sprayed a little before she high-tailed it out of there.

Tuesday, May 03, 2005

Poor Pitiful Me - Continued

A couple of days ago, I posted a picture of me and my dad and my sister in front of the Christmas tree with my broken leg and I promised I would elaborate. That elaboration follows.

First, however, I have to apologize to all of my cousins and my cousins' children and my cousins' grandchildren. For the last 45 years, every time a child in this family even looks like they're thinking about jumping in a bed, they hear the inevitable words, "You'll break your leg. Laurie broke her leg and she was in the hospital for weeks!" Unlike the little boy in The Christmas Story ("You'll shoot your eye out, kid."), they know this is no idle threat. We have pictures.

In the fall of 1958, I had just turned 3 years old, my sister (who is one year and one week younger than me) had just turned 2 years old and my mom was six months pregnant with my brother. She and my dad had gone out for a rare and well-deserved evening ALONE and left us with my grandmother, grandfather and uncle.

Not long after my parents left, my sister and I went to play in my uncle's room. My Uncle Wayne is only six years older than me and on rare occasions, he would allow us in his room. We were not, however, allowed to touch any of his stuff. So, to entertain ourselves, we all started jumping in the bed. You've heard the saying, "It's all fun and games until someone gets hurt." I can testify to that.

At some point in the festivities, I jumped out of the bed and landed on the floor and began wailing. I had broken my left thigh. My uncle picked me up and put me back on the bed. (Give him a break, he was only 9 years old.) By comparison, the previosly mentioned wailing was but a whimper. Until very recently, I didn't realize that everyone thought I had broken my leg by falling ON the bed rather than OFF the bed. No one knew Wayne had picked me up and put me back in the bed.

My poor grandmother came running into the room but I don't remember many details after that until the ride to the hospital. I was in the hospital in traction for two weeks in a cast from the waist down. When I was discharged from the hospital, I had to live in a wheelchair for six weeks. It was this huge contraption that actually laid down. (I have more pictures but they're at mom's. I'll post them later.)

I healed up just fine physically and emotionally and grew into the maniac you see (read?) before you. I list below some of the memories I still have of my ordeal. Keep in mind that I was only three but I remember this stuff distinctly. Think about that the next time you do something stupid in front of your toddlers.

I remember:
  • Sitting on someone's lap in the car on the way to the hospital and crying because I knew we had to go over a railroad track.
  • The balloons someone gave me that we hung on the bed.
  • Having to wear a diaper in the hospital and I was was so humiliated that I would take it off and throw it on the floor.
  • Watching The Invisible Man on the television in the hospital room with my dad and my mom fussing at him for letting me watch a horror show and me telling her that it was okay because I liked it. (I still love old horror movies.)
  • My sister always wanting to get in the wheelchair with me and my mom would let her. That pissed me off.
  • The wheelchair was too big to fit through the kitchen door so I had to stay in the living room while they were all in there. I especially remember them cooking pancakes and I couldn't be in the kitchen with them. That made me sad.
  • The doctor whistling the whole time he was removing my cast with this huge, horribly loud saw. I was crying my head off and he just kept trying to make me laugh. It didn't work, bless his heart.
  • The scars on my ankle and the front of my leg from the sores made by having a cast on my leg for six weeks.

There's the whole story as promised. I'll post more pictures later.

Monday, May 02, 2005

The Perfect Job

My work life seems to be on a six year rotation. That isn't by choice. It just seems to be some sort of life pattern I was born with.

  • 1974 - 1980: Receptionist/insurance clerk for ophthalmologist office
  • 1980 - 1986: Stayed home with my son 3 years then went to 3 years of paralegal school while working as ophthalmic assistant
  • 1986 - 1992: Paralegal/Legal Secretary
  • 1992 - 1999: Law office manager (I know that's 7 years but I stayed one year too long. If I would have left at 6 years, I would have saved myself a lot of misery.)
  • 2000 - 2005: Paralegal/Docket Clerk

As you can see, it's time for me to start thinking about my next career. I love my current job but if the universe has different ideas for me, who am I to argue? On my way home from work today, I heard about the perfect job.

The City of Beaumont has hired two people to maintain all of the street signs in the city. From what I gathered, these people will drive around the city repairing and replacing worn out street signs. This appeals to me for several reasons:

  • I would be my own boss, just driving around town looking for crappy street signs.
  • I would be outside all day. I realize that some days would be too hot and some days would be too cold but, if I'm out and about on my own, nobody is going to know if I slip back to my vehicle to cool off/warm up.
  • The work doesn't sound like it involves climbing anything.
  • There would be no stress. Surely, no one knows where the crappy signs are or how many crappy signs are out there so there wouldn't be any deadlines to get them all fixed because that would be impossible.
  • I would have job security as long as little bastards own pellet guns and baseball bats for vandalizing signs and screwdrivers for stealing signs with their girlfriend's names on them.
  • I could eat lunch wherever and whenever I want every day because I would be sure to fix a sign near my restaurant of choice for the day.
  • There are ten Sonic's in this town so I would always be near a Strawberry Limeade or a Cherry Dr. Pepper.

Hey, at least I have a plan.

Madonna's Tiny Penis

One of my friends just e-mailed me that she dreamed she did it with Bo Bice last night. That reminded me that last night I dreamed I did it with Madonna. She had a really tiny penis.

Sunday, May 01, 2005

Think Happy Thoughts

Saturday night we celebrated my Aunt Gladys' birthday with a big dinner party at Sanderson's in Nederland. The food was great and, if you're ever in the area, you should give it a try.

In honor of Aunt Gladys, I would like to tell you a story about how she and my mom almost drove into the canal in Port Arthur with all of us kids in the car. Just your typical Southeast Texas Saturday afternoon.

Port Arthur, Texas, where we grew up, has a man-made island called Pleasure Island which was formed when the canals were dredged to build a seawall. At one time, the island had a ballroom and swimming pools and a carnival but by the mid-sixties, it was just another place to go crabbing.

Crabbing for my family involved my mom and two of her sisters taking eight kids, ranging in age from 2 to 12, either to the slippery seawall or to a muddy riverbank with string, raw chicken necks, a couple of nets and a couple of ice chests at daybreak. You'll notice that I didn't mention life jackets. Somehow, (no doubt by the grace of some very busy guardian angels) we survived. By noon, we would be finished crabbing and we would all go to my grandpa's house where we would boil the several dozen crabs we had caught and sit outside and eat them. Good times.

On the day of our adventure, my mom was driving and Aunt Gladys was in the front seat. My cousin Alan was sitting on Aunt Gladys' lap and my little sister Bonnie was probably sitting in the middle in the front. In the backseat were me, my sister Terry, my brother Stuart and my other cousin David. This passel of children ranged in age from around 2 to 12 with me being the oldest. Alan was about 3 years old.

When we got to the intersection on the island where we would ordinarily turn left to go home, my mom noticed other people going right. We had never taken the right turn before and for some reason on this particular day, my mom and my aunt decided it would be a good day to see what was on the other side of the island. Mom took a right and followed the two other cars thinking the road would loop around to the other side of the island and eventually take us back to the bridge which would take us back to the Port Arthur mainland.

As we drove deeper and deeper into the marsh, we kids began to get scared. The usual cacophony of, "he farted" or "he's looking at me" or "you stink" was replaced with the more quiet, "where are we" and "the road is too skinny" and "Mom, where are we going?"

Mom and Aunt Gladys tried to keep things upbeat but we could tell things weren't going well as they quietly discussed how the road appeared to be eroding as we drove on it which we kids had already noticed. If we looked out of the window on the passenger side, it seemed we were looking straight down into the canal.

To make matters worse, one of the younger kids made a poopy in his pants and it was a big stinky one. Alan started crying and we all told him to think happy thoughts.

When he kept crying, Aunt Gladys told him, "Alan, think of Mickey Mouse."

Alan said, "Okay."

When he kept crying, my aunt said, "Alan, are you still thinking of Mickey Mouse?"

He said, "Yes."

She said, "Then why are you still crying."

Alan said, "Because, I'm thinking of Mickey Mouse being killed."

In my twisted family, this of course caused hysterical laughter. Since we were only driving about 5 miles per hour, my mom stopped the car, got out and ran up to the total strangers in front of us. She told them she wasn't driving one foot more and would he drive the car past the narrow patch of road which he did.

Just another day in paradise.

Blog Comments

I wrote this comment on Old Horsetail's blog regarding his post regarding comments. Still with me? People are always wondering about each other's commenting strategies and since I've gotten so many new blogging friends, this is how mine has evolved to this point:
  • Regarding comments, I also have a growing list of blogs that I want to read every day and just don't have time. My strategy now is that I read them all one day a week (usually Saturday or Sunday) and that's when I comment (where appropriate, as you say). Since I'm only corresponding one day a week with you guys, I started answering the comments on my blog also. I don't know if anyone comes back to read them but I enjoy doing it.

By the way, if you aren't reading Old Horsetail, yet, go there now. He's hilarious.