Friday Night Standup - Jerry Seinfeld

• It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.
• Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.
• The Four Levels of Comedy: Make your friends laugh, Make strangers laugh, Get paid to make strangers laugh, and make people talk like you because it's so much fun.
• There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, "I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked."
• Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end.
• You know you're getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It's like, "See if you can blow this out."
• People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to.
• There is no such thing as "fun for the whole family."
• Can't we just get rid of wine lists? Do we really have to be reminded every time we go out to a nice restaurant that we have no idea what we are doing? Why don't they just give us a trigonometry quiz with the menu?
• Did you ever notice, when you are sitting at a red light, that when the person in front of you pulls up a couple of inches, you are compelled to move up too? Do we really think we are making progress toward our destination? "Whew, I thought we would be late, but now that I am nine inches closer, I can stop for coffee and a danish!"
• Isn't it weird that we drink milk, stuff designed to nourish baby cows? How did that happen? Did some cattleman once say, "Oh, man, I can't wait till them calves are done so I can get me a hit of that stuff."
• My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty, and that's the law.
• The big advantage of a book is it's very easy to rewind. Close it and you're right back at the beginning.
• The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. "Come on, buddy, let's go. You get past me, the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off. I've got the toe clippers right here."
• Would somebody please explain to me those signs that say, "No animals allowed except for Seeing Eye Dogs?" Who is that sign for? Is it for the dog, or the blind person?