Me, New Orleans and Jagermeister

Today, one of my friends told me she had her first Jager Bomb (Jagermeister and Red Bull) the other night. This prompted me to tell her, in great detail, one of my favorite New Orleans stories.

In March of 1995, I took my third trip to New Orleans. It was one of our medium sized trips (only thirteen people). Saturday afternoon, some of the women needed naps and outfit changes and some of the men wanted to rest a while before beginning the evening. My brother, my sister-in-law, my sister's brother-in-law and I weren't in the mood for such pleasantries. We told everyone, "We're going in here," and pointed to the nearest bar to where we were standing. "Come find us later."


"In Here" turned out to be the world famous Famous Door. On the stage was a band that was playing the best dance music we had ever heard. Each song was better than the last song. As soon as we walked in the door, we were approached by people who were in there pushing the Jagermeister. If you did a shot, you got stuff. We thought, "What the hell." Heaven knows we didn't quite have enough plastic Hand Grenade glasses, go cups, beads, yada, yada, yada.

So...

We did shots. We got clackers.

We danced.

We did shots. We got t-shirts.

We danced.

We did shots. We got hats.

We danced.

Did I mention it was 4:00 in the afternoon? I didn't mention that?

By the time everyone came back to the Famous Door a few hours later, we were covered in Jagermeister crap and blitzed to our eyeballs. We were best friends with everyone in the bar. My brother was playing the conga drum with the band and someone (it might have been me) had started a conga line to some Jackson 5 song. We were a sight to behold.

(What do you do with Jagermeister souvenirs? Give them to the children when you get home, of course.)

I'll be the first to tell you, Jagermeister is not a tasty shot. It tastes a lot like a bad dose of Vicks 44 cough syrup. However, if you're in the mood to jumpstart your night, Jager Bomb, baby, Jager Bomb.

The Vespa Has Been Stolen!!!

About a year ago, a guy who works at the same building as me started driving a Vespa to work and I fell in love with it and did this lovely post about my love.

Yesterday, some sorry, low-life, dickless, spineless, brainless, good-for-nothing thugs stole the Vespa.

For those of you in the area who read this blog, here's a description of the aforementioned sorry, low-life, dickless, spineless, brainless, good-for-nothing thugs:

• White Ford F-150
• two hispanic men
• Front license plate bent to make it somewhat unreadable
• Beat-up bed (work truck) with tools

The Reflex

I just heard a Duran Duran song on my XM radio. I’m groovin’ with the 80’s this morning. Every time I hear a Duran Duran song now, I think of the poor bastard who chose to sing a Duran Duran song on the very first elimination night on Rock Star Supernova.

When the guy told Supernova he had chosen to sing a song by Duran Duran, Jason Newsted (formerly of Metallica) looked like he was either having a massive stroke or had just gulped down a Blizzard. I knew that poor guy was toast.

Random Question

I took a Claritin-D for my allergies this morning and feel like a million bucks. Here's the question...

Were my allergies making me lethargic or is the Claritin-D making me high?

"We Are Not Okay"

On the one year anniversary of Hurricane Katrina, here are some links and a Google search for you:

• Tim's Nameless Blog
• NOLA Live
• "We Are Not Okay"

I'll Have the Double Spicy Mongolian Beef, Please

I finally got my air conditioner repaired today and the temperature in my house is below 80 for the first time in about two weeks. A few days (between freon charges until the new unit came in), it was 90 in here.

About 2:00 a.m. Saturday morning, at one of those points in time between being asleep and being awake, I had the thought that I might actually die from lack of oxygen. All of my windows are doublepaned and have no screens. I was too afraid that a lizard or bird would join me in my bed to open them.

As I sit here all refreshed and happy (thank God for my home warranty), I recall that I continued to eat spicy food even though it was so hot in here. I'm also wondering about why the cuisine of tropical areas is spicy while the food from colder climates is bland by comparison.

I'll be right back...

After a brief Google, I have found out that the theory is spicy food increases your body temperature so you feel cooler because your body temperature is more equalized with the temperature surrounding you. Spicy food also makes you sweat which cools the body as the perspiration evaporates.

Another site theorizes that people in hotter climates are drawn to spicy foods because those foods stimulate appetite and gastric juices which is important since heat can be an appetite suppressant.

Here's a link to the Hot Sauce Blog that my cousin Zina sent me several months ago.

Yum.

Redneck Women - Watch it to the End

I feel sorry for the Paris Hiltons and Donald Trumps of the world who don't have the opportunity to enjoy the company of friends and relatives like these women. I'm not being sarcastic. Nobody has fun like a redneck woman.

Nobody kicks ass like a redneck woman either. You should remember that if you happen to see occurrences such as these live and in person. If you laugh a little too much, she might open up a can of redneck woman whupass and you won't know what hit you.

Dog Lov-ah

My blogging friend from France found a picture of Tommy Lee making out with Gilby Clark's dog on the last Rock Star episode.

Online Movie Guide

Have you ever wanted to watch a movie but with hundreds of channels to choose from, you just knew you were missing the exact thing you were in the mood for. This might help.

Go to the online version of TV Guide (www.tvguide.com) and click on the Movies heading. Under the movies heading, choose Big Movie Guide. This will give you a grid which you can search by Date, Title, Time, Network, Year and 4 Star Rating.

Groofy

I accidentally typed “groofy” in response to an e-mail a little while ago instead of “groovy.” I think “groofy” is a much better fit for me.

Groofy.

Yeah, groofy.

FREE ADVICE!

YOUR PURSE IS DISGUSTING!
Don’t put your purse on your kitchen counters or anywhere you are going to have a meal. Think about all the places you put your purse. The bottom of it is full of disgusting germs. I’m sure you’ve received this warning by e-mail but it bears repeating, especially if there is any possible chance that I will ever eat at your house.

CHECK YOUR ENGINE!
If your “check engine” light goes on, AutoZone (and possibly other car part stores) have the little gadget that can check it for you until you can get your car into a repair shop or back to the dealer who sold you the piece of crap.

BUY THE WARRANTY!
I highly recommend those home owner warranty programs. I’ve kept mine up since purchasing my townhouse three years ago and it has paid for itself every year. My air conditioner is broken right now (…can’t…breath…) and the warranty people are going to install a whole new unit.

Treadmill Dance Routine

This is one of the coolest things I've ever seen. Thanks to P. J.'s Planet.

Ah, Pluto. We hardly knew ye...

Pluto isn't a planet?! Bullshit!

If Mrs. Robinson in first grade at Travis Elementary School in Port Arthur, Texas in 1961 (and every science book and teacher since then) told me Pluto is a planet, then Pluto is a planet, dammit!

What I Want to Be When I Grow Up

Jim Rockford was cool.

So was Shaft, John Shaft.

I think I want to be a private dick (shut yo’ mouth).

Take It Easy

There's a little place down the road from my office called Easy's. Their specialties are tapas and martinis. I've had a few martinis there (the Pink Diamond was very good) and a few appetizers. I've never had an actual meal there. I hear they make a great burger although most of their menu is more non-traditional, at least by Southeast Texas standards. (You can check out the menu online.)

Some of my friends have asked me to join them for this tonight:

Wednesday Night Jam Night
Wednesday nights have developed into an informal jam session on the patio. If you've been here, you've probably sat in. If not, please join us. Jim and Sandra lead the way. Patti knows the words to every song. Everyone brings their guitars, harmonicas, bongo drums and voices and we all sing and play and meet new friends. Chris will be announcing different drink specials during the night and we'll be staying opened until 11pm so we can get in that last song – or two.

Sounds like fun. I hope I don't wuss out. I wonder if I have a Monster in the refrigerator.

Easy's
2325 Calder (between 7th & 8th)
Beaumont, TX 77702
(409) 832-2600

Lunch
Tuesday Thru Friday • 11:00am - 2:00pm

Dinner
Tuesday Thru Thursday • 5:00pm - 10:00pm
Friday And Saturday • 5:00pm - Midnight

Easy Hour Drink Specials
Tuesday Thru Friday • 5:00pm - 7:00pm

I learned a new word today...

Can you say diphallus? I knew that you could...


Indian man wants op to remove extra organ

Sat 19 Aug 2006 3:49 AM ET

NEW DELHI, Aug 19 (Reuters) -
An Indian businessman born with two penises wants one of them removed surgically as he wants to marry and lead a normal sexual life, a newspaper report said on Saturday.

The 24-year-old man from the northern state of Uttar Pradesh admitted himself to a New Delhi hospital this week with an extremely rare medical condition called penile duplication or diphallus, the Times of India said.

"Two fully functional penes is unheard of even in medical literature. In the more common form of diphallus, one organ is rudimentary," the newspaper quoted a surgeon as saying.

The surgery was expected to be challenging as both organs were well-formed and full blood supply to the retained penis had to be ensured to allow it to function normally, he added. The newspaper did not disclose the identity of the man or the hospital to protect the patient's privacy.

There are about 100 such reported cases of diphallus around the world and it is known to occur among one in 5.5 million men, the newspaper said. It is caused by the failure of the mesodermal bands in the embryo to fuse properly. The mesodermal bands are one of three primary layers of the embryo from which several body parts are formed.

Frampton and Seger

THEN...

NOW...

Petition to Save Invasion

I've just found out that Invasion, one of my favorite programs from last season, has been canceled. I noticed that one of the actors who portrays one of the main characters was being featured on the commercials for another program and realized something was up.

Here is a link to a petition to save the program. I doubt that it will have any affect on ABC's decision but it might encourage a cable network to pick it up or something.

You can also click on the banner below to go to a Save Invasion website...

When the Levees Broke

Spike Lee's documentary about Hurricane Katrina and New Orleans premiers on HBO this Monday and Tuesday 7:00 CT.

Anthony Bourdain in Lebanon

Monday night's episode of No Reservations (Travel Channel - 9:00 CT) will be the episode he filmed in Lebanon.

Lovely Lunch

Davetta, Laurie and Jen T. Enjoying a Lovely Lunch

Why It's Going to Be a Good Day

• I'm meeting Jen T., Fav File Clerk and Davetta for lunch. We haven't all been together since Jen T. and Davetta left Fav File Clerk and I for greener employment pastures.
• Today is my niece's 15th birthday. Happy Birthday, Katie. Her dad is cooking BBQ and we're having a big backyard bash.
• We'll either continue the evening creating cocktails in the backyard or venture out to Crockett Street where Vallejo, Image 6 and 9 Station Drive are playing tonight.

However, the number one reason it's going to be a good day...

• I woke up at 6:00 a.m. in a panic because I thought I overslept and REALIZED IT WAS SATURDAY! Oh, happy day!

A Ghost Story and a Poll

One of my first blog posts was about the ghost experience my son and I had many years ago. I created a poll to see how many of you have seen ghosts. Off you go...

Banu Gibson and Lutcher Theater

Last night, I joined some friends for a concert at the Lutcher Theater in Orange, Texas. It’s a beautiful theater and they’ve recently done a major upgrade on the sound system. Since I’ve only been to the Lutcher one other time, I’m not qualified to tell you if the sound is vastly improved although the Head-Lutcher-Dude-In-Charge says it is.

The performer last night was Banu Gibson and The New Orleans Hot Jazz. The music was technically excellent but a little antiseptic for my tastes. Could it be that I’ve become so accustomed to tribute bands and up-and-coming local musicians that I’m immune to the charms and talents of more polished musicians?

Sometimes, I'm such a redneck.

My New Favorite Animal

THE BLUE FOOTED BOOBY

(Click here for more info)

In Laurie's Brain - You're Fired Hallsnark Cards

Outside:
We all wish you much luck and happiness as you begin your new career…

Inside:
…somewhere else.

You’re fired.


Outside:
Nice job on the new project.
It really caught the attention of our competitors…

Inside:
…and their copyright attorneys.

You’re fired.


Outside:
Greetings, to one of our friendliest employees!

Inside:
Contrary to popular opinion, blow jobs are not part of our customer service policy.

You’re fired.


Outside:
Our deepest sympathies on your latest episode of (circle all that apply):

migraine
female trouble
sinus trouble
back trouble
car trouble
“It’s NOT a hangover, I swear” symptoms (nausea, headache, diarrhea, increased sensitivity to assholes)
another sick relative
another dead relative

Inside:
DO THE MATH:

Number of sick days accrued

MINUS

Number of sick days used

DIVIDED BY

Our tolerance for bullshit

EQUALS

You’re fired.


Outside:
Welcome to the Guns, Guns, Guns family!

Inside:
Unfortunately, we have been informed that your employment here violates the conditions of your parole.

We’re sure that the omission of your parole status on your application was purely unintentional.

By the way, we hear Cupcakes, Cupcakes, Cupcakes is hiring.


Outside:
Dear former employee…

Inside:
You came to work late.
You drank on the job.
You called me a bitch.
I called you a slob.

You always were high.
Of pot you did reek.
You called me a twat.
I called you a freak.

You said you would sue
And that made me laugh.
I still have your pee.
So, just kiss my ass.

Caliente!

One of my office friends just came in here and looked at my XM radio and looked at me and said, “What are you listening to?”

I said, “Caliente!”

She said, “Why?”

I said, “Because it reminds me of when I’m in a Mexican restaurant and I’m well into my second margarita and I get up to go to the restroom and the loud Mexican music is playing and all I hear on my way to the restroom are people laughing too loud and talking too loud (tequila, you know) and I wonder if I’m walking straight or if people are looking at me thinking, ‘That girl is drunk!’ Then, while I’m washing my hands in the restroom, I’m kind of dancing to the Mexican-Salsa-Spanish music. Then, I walk back to my table and the whole process starts over again.”

She said, “Hmmm,” and left.

Now, I’m hungry.

Scary/Disgusting Words

Maybe it’s because I’m from Teeeeex-uuuuuuuuhs and, according to other folks, we taaaawk funny but the word Hezbollah just doesn't roll off my tongue.

My mouth wants to pronounce it Hez-BO-luh, like e-BO-la.

Hez-bo-LAH just doesn’t feel right.

On another note, I put the word Ebola on top of my list of the world’s scariest/most disgusting words:

• Ebola
• chancre
• pus
• ooze
• phlegm
• maggot
• carbuncle
• sucking chest wound
• Bubonic plague
• Dengue fever
• Incubus
• Succubus
• Nosferatu
• necrophilia
• living dead
• toenail fungus
• infected armpit hair
• anal fissure
• necrotizing fasciitis
• greenish, foul smelling, foamy discharge

Aren't you glad you stopped by today?

Sam's Club and Me

I'm giving one of those Mary Kay makeup parties at my house this Friday evening and there is no better place to purchase seemingly homemade appetizers and dips than Sam's. Don't scoff at my Mary Kay party. I still have to make a trip to Spec's, my favorite liquor store. My prediction is that we will not only be quite beautiful and moisturized by about 9:30 p.m. Friday night, we will also be quite sauced.

Since my employer recently quit paying for extra Sam's Club memberships on their corporate card, I had to purchase my own membership for the first time in years. Did you know that membership will now cost you $40? I didn't.

I guess I'll be converting one of my upstairs closets to a pantry so I can take full advantage of buying in bulk. It's the only way I can imagine that I'll get my $40 worth in the next year. Well, that and I plan to eat lunch there at least once a week by appearing interested in what the sample ladies are dishing out.

Found on Miss Cellania's Blog

Which Deadly Sin Is Yours? Lust You crave the pleasures of the body. Your lustful desires make you crave more of what you know is good. Find out your Deadly Sin at Quizopolis.com

Blog Reviews

A few weeks ago, I noticed on my stat counter that I was getting a few hits from a blog called Frog My Blog. It's a blog that reviews other blogs. It was a new blog at the time and I was one of the first blogs they reviewed. I've given them a couple of weeks to get going before I give my opinion on their little endeavor.

Here's their review of my blog (unsolicited, by the way):

Do You Know What It Means to Miss New Orleans? Uh…no. Not really.

I’m assuming this blogger was displaced by Hurricane Katrina. She appears to be in Texas but really wants to go back to New Orleans. It was my understanding that N.O. was being rebuilt fairly successfully, so if you really want to go that bad…

I don’t like the template. The notepad look is too…yellow. Damn, that’s a long sidebar, most of which is pretty unnecessary.

I wasn’t very high on this blog from first glance. The title and first post came across as kind of whiny, and a bad template will ruin a first impression. I was going to give 0 bugs, or just 1 for the Kinky Friedman ad.

However, I then came across the Hallsnark Cards and laughed in spite of myself. 2 more bugs for you. I think you should go into business.

It isn't a very nice review which is mostly based on the following: (1) she is indifferent to New Orleans and their plight, (2) incorrect assumptions about me (all she had to do was read the profile) and (3) she didn't like the yellow legal pad template. She laughed at the Hallsnark Cards "in spite of" herself meaning she had decided to not like the blog at first glance.

I don't expect everyone to like my blog or to care that it exists at all. However, that isn't the point of this post. The reason I decided to write anything at all is because of their reviews of other people's blogs. They seem obsessed with clean sidebars and fancy templates over content.

Blogs are a personal expression of what YOU want to put out there. Who cares if the grammar is lousy or if your interests are considered uninteresting by some people or that you like to put blinky things on your sidebar? Just keep writing and expressing yourself. Any act of self-expression is art and nobody has the right to suggest you change your self-expression in any way.

These people need to stop trying to sanitize the blogosphere and turning it into one big generic "clean" Wordpress template containing whatever they consider to be relevant writing on whatever they consider to be relevant subjects.

Whew. I feel better. Was that too whiny?

Edited to add:

Old Roses just left me a comment asking if the review had been removed. After checking, I find that the review has indeed been removed. I guess the reviewers didn't like being reviewed. Isn't that interesting?

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

This show is hilarious. I just discovered it (thanks Carly) but the website says the season finale is next week. If you have an opportunity to catch up on the episodes, do it. I have to catch up myself. It's on FX on Thursday nights.

Update on My Dad

Recent tests show that after several chemo treatments, my dad's tumor has already shrunk by 1/5th which is very good news. He's also getting a lot of his energy and his appetite back. Go dad!

FYI, he will continue to have chemo treatments every other week for two hours until December. He hasn't been sick at all from the chemo (at least he hasn't said anything) and he even still has his hair.

Classic TV Sex Party - Part 2

The comments on the previous post are already hilarious. Be sure you read them...and add your own either here or there.

Sudie Girl suggests we come up with some bedroom conversations between the couples. You can also leave those either here or there. Her script between The Professor and Pinky Tuscadero is classic.

Larry Jones reminds us that June Cleaver and Fred Sanford will get along just fine since June speaks jive.

My Baby Sis likes the idea of the power that would be created between Endora and Thurston Howell, III.

I, personally, was intrigued by the cosmic pairing of Archie Bunker and Louise Jefferson. Now, that could be one wild bedroom scene in any number of ways.

Any other ideas? Don't be shy folks. You know these characters as well as you know your own families. Get freaky with me.

Meet the Flintstones

Back in the Swinging Sixties, sexually adventurous couples would go to swinger parties where the men would put their car keys in a hat. At some point in the evening, after much alcohol had been consumed and much marijuana had been smoked, the hat would be passed around and the women would pick a set of keys. The woman and the owner of whichever set of keys she selected would then get down and get funky with their bad selves. According to Wikipedia, there are still versions of this activity happening today involving dorm room keys. It’s good to see today’s youngsters carrying on the lovely old traditions of their grandparents.

A while back, I surfed past an episode of Married…With Children shortly after watching a little bit of All in the Family and wondered what would happen if, for some reason, Archie Bunker hooked up with Peg Bundy. So, I wrote some classic television character names down on pieces of paper, put them in a hat and played Classic TV Key Party. I lead a full and fascinating life.

Below are the couplings exactly as I pulled them out of the hat. We must make two assumptions: Marcia Brady is 18 years old and cartoon characters can have sex with real people. I make no assumptions or disclaimers as to the sex life of The Flying Nun.

Keep in mind that, if this were real life, the Classic TV Woman would have pulled a set of Classic TV Keys out of a Classic TV Hat and she and her Classic TV Stud would have then gone to a bedroom or into the swinging swimming pool and they would have had wild Classic TV Sex alongside some of these other Classic TV Couplings. I’m thinking the Beverly Hillbillies mansion and cement pond would have been perfect. Go Granny.

Here is how they would arrive at the party:
Al and Peggy Bundy
Archie and Edith Bunker
Barney Fife and Thelma Lou
Andy Taylor and Helen Crump
Howard Sprague and Aunt Bee
Howard and Marion Cunningham
Arthur "Fonzie" Fonzarelli and Pinky Tuscadero
Barney Miller and Murphy Brown
George and Louise Jefferson
Jack Tripper and Chrissy Snow
Mr. Furley and Janet Wood
Stanley and Helen Roper
Darren and Samantha Stephens
Major Nelson and Jeannie
Thurston and Lovey Howell
The Professor and Ginger Grant
Gilligan and Mary Ann Summers
The Skipper and Endora
Ted Baxter and Mary Richards
Lou Grant and Sue Ann Nivens
Ward and June Cleaver
Eddie Haskell and The Flying Nun
Oliver and Lisa Douglas
Jed Clampett and Granny
Jethro Bodine and Elly May Clampett
Herman and Lily Munster
Gomez and Morticia Addams
Keith Partridge and Marcia Brady
Marshall Dillon and Miss Kitty
Ricky and Lucy Ricardo
Fred and Ethel Mertz
Fred Sanford and Aunt Esther
Rob and Laura Petrie
Fred and Wilma Flintstone
Barney and Betty Rubble
George and Jane Jetson

Here are the Key Party Pairings:
Al Bundy and Samantha Stevens
Archie Bunker and Louise Jefferson
Barney Fife and Elly May Clampett
Andy Taylor and Morticia Addams
Howard Sprague and Mary Ann Summers
Howard Cunningham and Sue Ann Nivens
Arthur "Fonzie" Fonzarelli and Peggy Bundy
Barney Miller and Aunt Esther
George Jefferson and Ginger Grant
Jack Tripper and Marion Cunningham
Mr. Furley and Lovey Howell
Stanley Roper and Miss Kitty
Darren Stephens and Marcia Brady
Major Nelson and Betty Rubble
Thurston Howell, III and Endora
The Professor and Pinky Tuscadero
Gilligan and Laura Petrie
The Skipper and Granny
Ted Baxter and Chrissy Snow
Lou Grant and Lily Munster
Ward Cleaver and Wilma Flintstone
Eddie Haskell and Lisa Douglas
Oliver Douglas and Murphy Brown
Jed Clampett and Jane Jetson
Jethro Bodine and Mary Richards
Herman Munster and Aunt Bee
Gomez Addams and Janet Wood
Keith Partridge and Edith Bunker
Marshall Dillon and Ethel Mertz
Ricky Ricardo and Helen Roper
Fred Mertz and Jeannie
Fred Sanford and June Cleaver
Rob Petrie and Lucy Ricardo
Fred Flintstone and Helen Crump
Barney Rubble and Thelma Lou
George Jetson and The Flying Nun

Current Terror Alert

Elmo: Flights from the UK

Ernie: All commercial flights

Bert: Everything else

Pictures Added to Flickr

I've added the pictures from the weekend to Flickr. You can click here or on the Flickr badge over there on the sidebar.

Kyoto Japanese Grill - Beaumont, Texas

(CLICK HERE FOR UPDATED POST WITH MENU)

A month or so ago, I saw a new sign added to the big Kroger sign on Phelan Boulevard which read “Kyoto Japanese Restaurant.” I made a u-turn, nearly taking out three cars, to get into the parking lot in an attempt to find the restaurant. However, it was nowhere to be found. Finally, last week, I glanced over at the shopping center and there was a flashing “Open” sign in the front window of the shop right next to Kroger. I made a u-turn, nearly taking out only two cars this time, and drove up to the flashing “Open” sign.

The décor is more similar to eating establishments found downtown than in a grocery store strip mall. It’s very narrow and has 20 foot ceilings with painted exposed pipes and charming Japanese lanterns and scarves for decoration. It’s definitely more of a café than a restaurant.

My first question of the owners, which was the actual reason for the life threatening u-turns, was whether or not they would be serving sushi. The answer was yes. Beaumont has only two other restaurants which serve sushi, one of which is only open for dinner and neither of which are in the path of my drive home.

For now, until they build the sushi bar, Kyoto is serving a limited menu. The current choices are miso soup, salad, three kinds of fried rice (chicken, shrimp or vegetable) and various meat and seafood dishes (choices include chicken, shrimp, scallops, sirloin steak or ribeye steak) which are served with vegetables and fried rice.

I ordered the chicken and scallop combination and it was quite good. The chicken was tender and the scallops were fresh. They were cooked in a sauce that wasn’t particularly flavorful but it wasn’t bad either. I don’t know if all of the dishes are cooked in the same sauce but I do know there were no sauce choices given on the menu. Since I got my food to-go, I wasn’t able to ask.

I’ll definitely be back to check out the sushi and the other menu items. The owners and the staff were very nice and the atmosphere was pleasant. I hope they do well. You should go there and tell them Laurie sent you. They won’t know who you’re talking about but, what the hell, right?

Kyoto Japanese Grill
3851 Phelan Boulevard
Beaumont, Texas
(409) 838-9888
(409) 838-9882

Hours:
Sunday - Thursday 11:00 a.m. - 9:30 p.m.
Friday - Saturday 11:00 a.m. - 10:00 p.m.

In Laurie's Brain - After the Vacation

You know your teenagers had too much fun while you were out of town if…

…your bed is made but the pattern on the bedspread is upside down.

…they have developed an unusual interest in whether or not the cable television bill has come in.

…your non-teenage children suddenly have extra spending money and the teens are being really nice to them.

…the house is cleaner than when you left.

…your Vicodin is missing.

…there is MORE beer in the refrigerator than when you left.

…you come home early from work one day and your teenage son is mowing the neighbor’s lawn...for free.

…you can’t find your favorite bong.

A Delicious Weekend

I just got back from bringing mom and dad to Alvin to see Cory and Jamie's new house. We had fabulous BBQ at Joe's in Alvin Saturday night and today we went to the Houston Downtown Aquarium and ate at the Aquarium Restaurant. The food was absolutely amazing and Cory and Jamie and I had delicious...what else?...margaritas.



I don't know if it was the margarita at lunch but, at the first exhibit, I saw this sign and, at first glance, I thought it said "Stupid Bass."



I'll be posting all of the pictures on Flickr tomorrow evening but, for now, here are several I particularly liked...

In Laurie's Brain...Vacation Tips

Before I hit the road for a couple of days, below are a few vacation tips I made up for you.


You might want to cancel your reservations if...

…your children (especially the teenagers) are way too happy you’re leaving.

…two days before you leave, your beachfront hotel calls to give you a free upgrade if you promise you aren’t the evacuatin’ type.

…you just saw your hotel on the television program America’s Scariest Most Gruesomely Haunted Unexplained Hotels.

…you Google toxic dump and your destination city is the number one hit.

…your parents are way too happy you’re leaving.

…you have to cancel a semester of college and two surgeries to cover the cost.

…your reservation confirmation letter is handwritten…in crayon.

…your airline can’t afford security so they have a “Bring Your Own Weapon” policy.

…your boss is way too happy you’re leaving.

…Anthony Bourdain won’t even eat there.

…veteran embedded reporters are begging to tag along saying they’ll bring their own flak jackets.

In Laurie's Brain - Hurricane Season Fortune Cookies

As tropical depression Chris meanders toward the Caribbean Sea, my mind turns toward our current hurricane season, such as it is...

Hurricane big blow job with no happy ending.
Lucky numbers: 69-6-9-96-0-0-0-0-0-0…

Evacuation like constipation. Nothing go anywhere fast.
Lucky Color: Brown

When pecan tree fall on house, people go nuts.
Lucky Shoe: Right one

Hole in roof, like hole in head. Who needs it?
Lucky Month: Not September…or August…or October…

When waters rise, wise man no flushy.
Learn Chinese: Poo Poo Platter

You will have blue tarp on roof for 269 days.
Lucky Numbers: What lucky number? You no lucky.

In Laurie's Brain - More Hallsnark Cards

According to my stat counter, someone arrived at this site by doing a search for "Happy Anniversary to my Ex." I looked back at my Hallsnark Cards post and realized that I didn't create any that fit that category. How foolish of me.

So, off we go...

Outside:
Happy Un-Anniversary, My Un-Beloved Ex-Darling
Inside:
I hope you’re as happy as I am that I no longer have to put up with your shit.

Outside:
Happy 5-Year Divorce-Anniversary
Inside:
I finally paid off your credit card debt.
You may now rot in hell with a clear conscience.

Outside:
Happy Anniversary to My Ex-Husband
Inside:
Thanks for dumping me.
Sex without all the pleading and crying is SO much better.

Outside:
Happy Anniversary to my Ex-Wife
Inside:
You suck, but my new girlfriend sucks better.

Outside:
Happy Ex-Anniversary, Bitch.
Inside:
(blank – I’m sure you’ll think of something appropriate to say.)

Outside:
Happy Anniversary to my Ex-Wife
Inside:
You slept with the gardener.
You slept with the pool man.
You made my life hell,
As only you can.

Outside:
Happy Anniversary to my Soon-to-Be-Ex-Husband and his Gold Digger Mistress
Inside:
Bank Austria Cayman Islands
Account Number 17*32****89***7
Now, who’s the stupid bitch?

In Laurie's Brain - Haiku

I love Haiku...

Car salesman person,
Why must you scream like a fool?
Your face annoys me.

Fear of a big storm
Ironically makes me crave
Pat O. Hurricanes.

Mr. Mel Gibson
Oh, what shall become of you?
Must you act the fool?

Oh, the baby newt!
Why was it in my bathroom?
I killed the fucker.