Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Whatever, Martha

There's a television network called "Fine Living" which I rarely watch. However, while I was scrolling through the on-screen guide tonight, I noticed a show about hauntings was going to play later. So, I went ahead and switched over early and accidently found a great show.

These two women were sitting on couches and ragging on Martha Stewart. Eventually, I realized that one of the women (the blond in the video below) is Martha Stewart's real actual daughter. Perfect.

Monday, October 27, 2008

I've Only Got an Hour Dang Nabbit!

After over thirty years of trying to get things done in the confines of a one hour lunch break, I've gotten used to competing with retirees, non-working parents and their children and rich lunch ladies for restaurant tables, a place in line at the bank and space on the roads.

I understand that humans tend to want to eat mid-day. I do it myself. So, I've learned which restaurants can get us in and out in an hour even if they're busy. If I have bank business, I leave the office early or late so I can avoid the crowds.

While I was running errands over my lunch hour last week, I decided to vote. The line was at least twenty people deep and fully half of the people in line were not on a lunch hour.

Would somebody tell me why, if you have all damn day long to vote, or do anything for that matter, would you go to the polls or do anything at all between noon and one when it's going to take at least twice as long as if you did it any other time? I don't get it.

Sunday, October 26, 2008

Thursday, October 23, 2008

Granny Ghost


In a couple of weeks, my mom, sister, cousin, two friends and the daughter of one of the friends will be going to the Stanley Hotel in Estes Park Colorado for a Ghost Hunting trip with Darkness Radio, Jason Hawes and Grant Wilson of TAPS and other well known personalities in the paranormal field.

My mom recently had back surgery and has occasional bouts of insomnia. She called me yesterday concerned that her insomnia might be a problem when we’re on our trip.

“I’m worried my walking around in the middle of the night might bother people,” mom said. “Maybe I should get a separate room.”

I said, “We’re only going to be there a few days. It’s no big deal. You won’t bother us.”

“You don’t understand,” she said. “I’m afraid that if I walk out into the hall so I won’t bother you guys, someone’s going to think I’m a ghost and start screaming and wake up the whole hotel or hit me over the head.”

“Mom,” I said, “It’s going to be a hotel full of ghost hunters. Ghost hunters don’t scream and hit ghosts over the head. If anyone thinks you’re paranormal or something, they’re going to try to communicate with you. Just tap once for ‘yes’ and twice for ‘no’ and you should be okay.”

“What if somebody takes a picture of me thinking they're getting a picture of a ghost?” mom asked.

“Crap, I hadn’t thought about that,” I said. “I can see us all sitting in the evidence review session and up pops a picture of you on the slideshow screen in your granny gown. We’ll have to pretend like we don’t know you.”

“Thanks a lot.”

“No problem.”

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

What I didn't know about my brother's Halloween costume

When my brother e-mailed me the picture of him in his Playboy Bunny costume, he neglected to tell me that his wife went to the party as Hugh Hefner!!

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Sloth Guy

When I was working the door at a local bar a few weeks ago, a couple of young guys came in. One was normal and the other one was not only weird, but totally f*cked up.

The normal one said, “Do you want to see his ID?”

“Yeah,” I said, “In fact, I want to see your ID, too.”

I checked normal guy’s probably-fake ID and turned to weird guy. Weird guy was standing there with his eyes half closed and doing something weird and snake-ish with his tongue. He would slowly open his mouth and run his tongue along the back of his front teeth, then close his mouth again. Normal guy told weird guy, “She wants to see your ID.”

Weird guy said, “Okay, just a minute.”

I looked at normal guy, normal guy looked at me, then we both looked back at weird guy.

Eventually, weird guy slowly pulled out his ID, all the while doing that weird thing with his tongue. Of course, the ID was from Georgia and I couldn’t find the birth date on it, which really didn’t matter because it was no doubt fake and I’m not the police nor the bar owner, so I really didn’t see much point in making a big deal about it since the bar obviously didn’t have anybody capable of ejecting anyone anyway.

If I was this bar's first line of defense, they obviously didn’t give much of a sh*t about little technicalities like underage drinking or letting f*cked up people into the bar anyway. I found out later that, supposedly, I had also let someone into the bar who was carrying a gun. I guess I was supposed to bring along my own personal metal detector, too.

Next order of business for my two odd little patrons was to collect the $5 cover charge from them. I gave back weird sloth guy's ID and said, “$5.” Normal guy paid me his cover charge, then we both looked back at weird guy who said, “Okay, just a minute.”

Normal guy and I both stared at weird snake tongue guy until he slowly took out $5 and handed it to me, still doing the tongue thing. Finally, off they went to enjoy the lovely music and frosty cold adult beverages.

Several hours later, normal guy came back up to me and said, “Have you seen my friend?”

I said, “That guy who kept doing that thing with his tongue?!”

He said, “Uh. I don’t know. Yeah…I guess.”

(How could he have possibly not noticed the tongue thing?)

I said, “Sorry, haven’t seen him.”

Normal guy said, “Well, I’m trying to find him so I can bring him home.”

“Good plan,” says I.

Weird guy eventually came in from outside through a door that is normally used only by employees. When he came back in, he was smoking a cigarette. Somebody told him he couldn’t smoke inside, he did the snake-tongue thing, said “Okay, just a minute,” and his friend led him outside and, hopefully, directly to rehab.

Monday, October 20, 2008

My brother's Halloween costume

My brother is the one on the left. He and the other people in the picture are the senior high Sunday school teachers. He felt it important that I mention that.

Friday, October 17, 2008

The "I Told You to Quit F*cking With Me" of the Year Award

Friday, October 17, 2008

Associated Press

LUCKNOW, India —

A woman chopped the head off a man who allegedly tried to attack her and then paraded the head through a market in northern India, police said Friday.

Police arrested the woman late Thursday after receiving calls from frightened witnesses who reported a blood-soaked woman holding a severed head was walking through the village, said police officer Ram Bharose.

The woman, 35, told police she had gone to a nearby forest to cut grass for fodder for her cattle when a man attacked her from behind.

"In a bid to save her dignity she beheaded him with a sickle," Bharose said, adding that the woman had bite marks on her neck and cheek.

The woman also told police that the man had been harassing and stalking her for three months and she had no regrets about killing him, he said, adding that she would probably be charged with culpable homicide.

The incident took place in Makkapurva village, some 125 miles southeast of Lucknow, the capital of Uttar Pradesh state.

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Earworm

For some reason, this video can't be embedded "by request," but it's a heck of an earworm.

Click here.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Some Sites I Stumbled Upon Tonight

Click here to enter Your Amazing Brain.

Click here for "Sarah Palin As President."

Click here to see all kinds of stuff get microwaved.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

New Television Season

I like this show...



I like this show...



I freakin' LOVE this car (as seen on My Own Worst Enemy)...

Monday, October 13, 2008

Save the Old Quarter in Galveston


FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE


Contact: Abbey Luckenbach Texas


830-997-3224 x 29


abbey@luckenbachtexas.com


http://www.myspace.com/savetheoldquarter


http://www.oldquarteracousticccafe.com/


Radio Free Texas and Concert for the Coast Benefit Presents


“Save the Old Quarter Acoustic Café”


Fredericksburg, Texas -


On Sunday, October 26th, Radio Free Texas along with notable members of the Texas music community will host a “Save the Old Quarter Acoustic Café” benefit. In September, Hurricane Ike destroyed the historic Galveston venue and later this month musical friends of Old Quarter will gather to raise money for owner Rex “Wrecks” Bell to rebuild in an all-day event.


Austin’s Band of Heathens will headline the benefit at Luckenbach Texas, another of Texas' historic music venues.“Wrecks’ Old Quarter is a unique listening room that we’ve enjoyed playing for a number of years," said Gordy Quist of the Band of Heathens. "Few people have taken so much interest in seeing artists grow as Wrecks has, and it seems that few venues exist specifically for the love of song as the Old Quarter. Hopefully we can help Wrecks get the place up and running again.”


Some of the performers who have offered to donate their time to this event include Gary P Nunn, Ray Wylie Hubbard, Owen Temple, Jason Eady, Adam Caroll, The Gougers, Liz and Lincoln, Quincy Harper, Susan Gibson, The McKay Bros and more. The event will run from noon until 8PM and will include a silent auction, exclusive merchandise and opportunities for patrons to give donations. All proceeds from the event benefit the Old Quarter and rebuilding efforts.


This show is part of the overall Radio Free Texas "Concert For The Coast" (http://www.concertforthecoast.com/) event which will include concerts at more than a dozen venues with over 100 artists held simultaneously throughout Texas.“It is very important to Cheatham St. Warehouse and Luckenbach Texas to help The Old Quarter in this manner," said Abbey, Event Manager for Luckenbach. "There are very few truly historical LIVE music venues left. Each of the venues have helped raise or spawn a unique type of Texas Music, The Old Quarter had Townes, Cheatham St. had George Strait, Luckenbach is home to Jerry Jeff Walker, Willie and Waylon. The relationships, careers and tremendous history that these LIVE music venues represent cannot be reproduced anywhere.”


The Old Quarter Acoustic Café and owner Rex “Wrecks” Bell has hosted the likes of Townes Van Zandt, Lightnin’ Hopkins, Blaze Foley, Lyle Lovett, Guy Clark, and many more. The club took on nine feet of water from Ike’s surge. Although the building remains, everything inside was completely lost including Wrecks’ collection of musical memorabilia. Bell, a musician himself, played bass guitar for Townes Van Zandt, Lightnin’ Hopkins, and Lucinda Williams. Having been a vocal supporter of many Texas musicians early in their careers, the outpouring of support and numerous offers to lend a hand to help Wrecks rebuild has, at least in central Texas, culminated in this special event at Luckenbach.


Sponsored by Cheatham St Warehouse, Luckenbach Texas, Shiner Beer, The Band of Heathens and Friends


**All proceeds to help rebuild the Old Quarter Acoustic Café in Galveston, TX**

Edited to add:

Click here for information on Beaumont venue for "Concerts for the Coast."



Sunday, October 12, 2008

Thomas Jefferson High School Last Homecoming Video

This is my high school. I'm still trying to find out how to get a copy of the whole video. If any alumni want a copy, I'll let you know what I find out.


Find more videos like this on TJHS - Yellow Jackets Alumni

Saturday, October 11, 2008

Friday, October 10, 2008

Et tu, NPR?

I was listening to NPR this morning on my drive to work and the Market Watch segment came on. As I listened to their description of how markets all over the world are headed straight down the crapper, the announcer introduced a new segment in which a reporter travels the United States questioning people about their views on the economy.

I like to listen to NPR in the morning because their voices are so soothing. No matter what the crisis, their words and tone are always serious, yet never dire. They're never overly dramatic like those idiots at Fox News.

I almost wrecked my car when the soothing announcer said the title of the new on-the-road segment:


Holy f*ck.

Wednesday, October 08, 2008

Hayes Carll Houston Chronicle Article

Click here to read a Houston Chronicle article about Hayes Carll and the Bolivar Peninsula.

Tuesday, October 07, 2008

Nooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I ran out of cash last Friday and never had time to stop and get more. No problem since I have my trusty debit card. It's like a little cash security blanket.

I had to go to Kohl's last night which is right by my credit union, so I pulled into the ATM lane to get some cash. I put my card in backwards and it got stuck, but I was able to pull it back out. That is what we writers refer to as foreshadowing. I turned the card around, reinserted it and THE MACHINE KEPT MY CARD! WTF?!

I pulled out and sped into the still open drive-thru lanes where the "helpful" teller told me that the credit union does not service that ATM (once again, WTF?!) and I would have to go inside and get a new card. Of course, by now the lobby was closed.

Ergo, I have no cash. I have no debit card. I can't buy gas. I can't buy fast food. I can't get cash without actually getting out of my car, walking into a grocery store, standing in line and writing a check. I had to purchase birthday presents last night on my Mastercard which I paid off last month, so I don't even get to receive a Mastercard statement showing a zero balance which I was really looking forward to.

I love my debit card. I miss you debit card, my trusty companion.

Rat bastard ATM machine.

Monday, October 06, 2008

Top Ten Things to Keep in Mind if Your Friend Asks You to Work the Door at a Bar

1. If someone, probably underage, OFFERS you their ID, it’s probably fake.

2. Most probably-fake IDs offered by probably-underage persons are from out of state and it will take you forever to locate the birth date on the ID, which doesn’t matter anyway since it’s probably not that person’s ID.

3. Drunk men shouldn't mess with the wives of the members of the band.

4. The amount of conversation from patrons paying their cover charge is directly proportional to the amount of cleavage you have showing.

5. Don’t make eye contact with “Earl.”

6. “The Management” will tell you to watch for smokers (no smoking allowed in Beaumont bars), don’t let people leave with alcohol and be sure to check IDs and mark the hands of people who are too young to drink.

7. Tell “The Management” you are not a bouncer. You are working the door because “The Bar” requires “The Band” to provide the person to take the money and because you enjoy chatting and messing with people when they come in. You are not an employee of “The Bar” and, if they want somebody to police the clientele, they should hire a bouncer.

8. The guy that shows up after midnight selling “tamales” gets in free.

9. When your girlfriends notice a commotion and see people leaving in a hurry and decide to follow the crowd outside, all you can do is look at the guys (who were smart enough to NOT go outside) and say, “They’re gonna get shot.” The guys will look back at you, shrug and say, “Prob-ab-ly.”

10. There will be one asshole who is too cheap to pay the $5 cover and will tell you, “We’re running the sound.” No, you aren’t douchebag. I’m working the door. You think I don’t know the sound guy? He probably thinks he already spends enough money on booze, so he shouldn’t have to pay the $5 cover. What the prick-head doesn’t realize is that the cover charge goes to the band, not the bar. You aren’t clever, cheap-ass. You’re a douche.

Friday, October 03, 2008

Earworm

A co-worker got this song stuck in my head this morning, so you must all suffer.

Wednesday, October 01, 2008

Africom

Africom is:
a. a new line of hair products for African Americans
b. a sci-fi convention held in Botswana
c. a
Unified Combatant Command of the United States Department of Defense that is responsible for U.S. military operations in and military relations with 53 African nations - an area of responsibility covering all of Africa except Egypt. (according to Wikipedia)

Am I the first person to hear about this? This quote from the Wikipedia article bothers me the most:

"In mid 2006, Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld formed a planning team to advise on requirements for establishing a new Unified Command for the African continent. In early December, he made a recommendation to President George W. Bush, who authorized the new command on the same day Rumsfeld left office."

Somebody read the Wikipedia article for me, summarize it, give me some warm milk and chocolate chip cookies, rub my back and tell me everything will be okay, everything will be okay, everything will be okay...