Awesome

The word "awesome" is overused, unless you're talking about Demitri Martin.

Steven Wright

A Steven Wright quote I heard yesterday:

"I'm having an MRI tomorrow to find out if I'm claustrophobic."

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Just a Joke

Man walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says: "Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache."

His wife is lying in bed and replies: "I think you'll find that's a sheep, you idiot."

The man says: "I think you'll find I wasn't talking to you."

Comedy Texas

Friday night we went to Comedy Texas and saw three great comedians (Saidas Ranade, Dennis Fowler and Ray Barnett). The club is great and the comedians were hilarious. If you're looking for something different to do on Friday and/or Saturday night, this is it. On Thursday night they even have an Open Mic Night.

I can think of dozens of hilarious jokes these guys told that I would love to share with you but they were all of the you have to be there variety. So, you have to trust me on this one. If you ever hear that any of these guys are performing in your area, go see them and, if you live anywhere near Beaumont, give Comedy Texas a try.

How Not To Get Beat Up By The Police

Due to a late night of Tiramusu and Sugar Baby martini's, I present you tonight with some classic Chris Rock. Sorry, Old Horsetail, it's the best I can do tonight. The martini's were just too yummy for me to post anything original. I'm going to bed. Post you tomorrow.

In the meantime, the link is hilarious. I hope it works.

Friday Night Quotes (Two Days Late) - Comedy

There was never yet an uninteresting life. Such a thing is an impossibility. Inside of the dullest exterior there is a drama, a comedy, and a tragedy.
Mark Twain

The Four Levels of Comedy: Make your friends laugh, make strangers laugh, get paid to make strangers laugh, and make people talk like you because it's so much fun.
Jerry Seinfeld

Comedy is very controlling. You are making people laugh. It is there in the phrase 'making people laugh.' You feel completely in control when you hear a wave of laughter coming back at you that you have caused.
Gilda Radner

Our first gig was a battle of the bands. We did 45 minutes of comedy and never played a note - and we won!
Cheech Marin

You must realize that honorary degrees are given generally to people whose SAT scores were too low to get them into schools the regular way. As a matter of fact, it was my SAT scores that led me into my present vocation in life, comedy.
Neil Simon

You can think of Hollywood as high school. TV actors are freshmen, comedy actors are maybe juniors, and dramatic actors - they're the cool seniors.
Owen Wilson

Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.
Peter Ustinov

I'm a classic example of all humorists - only funny when I'm working.
Peter Sellers

In high school, I was the class comedian as opposed to the class clown. The difference is, the class clown is the guy who drops his pants at the football game, the class comedian is the guy who talked him into it.
Billy Crystal

What is comedy? Comedy is the art of making people laugh without making them puke.
Steve Martin

Comedy has to be based on truth. You take the truth and you put a little curlicue at the end.
Sid Caesar

God writes a lot of comedy... the trouble is, he's stuck with so many bad actors who don't know how to play funny.
Garrison Keillor

Life is a tragedy when seen in close-up, but a comedy in long-shot.
Charlie Chaplin

Monty Python was well-known for pushing and breaking comedy taboos and raising a stir. We were also the first show to do cannibalism as a schtick.
Graham Chapman

It's nice to see that look of alarm on the faces of the others.
Graham Chapman

I am also an Emmy winning actress. Except that I gotta tell ya, it was for comedy and I've been practicing for most of my life because every job I've ever had they'd always say the same thing, 'Hey Lauper, what are ya, some kind of comedienne?' Who knew?
Cyndi Lauper

My comedy is different every time I do it. I don't know what the hell I'm doing.
Adam Sandler

I used to see Jim Carrey in comedy clubs and tell him 'This isn't going to get you anywhere. What you're good at is that nice Jimmy Stewart stuff.' Thank God he never listened.
Jane Leeves

Friday Night Standup - Dennis Miller

• A new poll shows that Senator Kerry's support in the South is strongest amongst blacks. Kerry's appeal to Southern blacks is obvious. He is a white man who lives far, far away.
• A recent police study found that you're much more likely to get shot by a fat cop if you run.
• I still feel pangs of remorse over an insidious habit I've had since I was a teenager. About three times a week, I attend estate auctions and make insulting, low-ball bids for prized heirlooms until I'm asked to leave.
• I'm like Bush, I see the world more like checkers than chess.
• If some unemployed punk in New Jersey, can get a cassette to make love to Elle McPherson for $19.95, this virtual reality stuff is going to make crack look like Sanka.
• Police in Washington D.C. are now using cameras to catch drivers who go through red lights. Many congressmen this week opposed the use of the red light cameras incorrectly assuming they were being used for surveillance at local brothels.
• President Bush gave his first-ever presidential radio address in both English and Spanish. Reaction was mixed, however, as people were trying to figure out which one was which.
• Washington, DC is to lying what Wisconsin is to cheese.
• What is guilt? Guilt is the pledge drive constantly hammering in our heads that keeps us from fully enjoying the show. Guilt is the reason they put the articles in Playboy.
• As for what many are calling racial profiling in the aftermath of September 11th, well, get ready to be pissed off, you ACLU-Fucking-Morons, we're dealing with a massive threat and limited manpower, so, you want them to check everybody out equally? Sure, fine okay, but let's at least compromise and put the Swedish dwarf a little further down the list than the Iraqi explosives expert carrying a Belgian passport with more eraser marks on it than Kid Rock's trig final.
• There's a lot of differing data [about global warming], but as far as I can gather, over the last hundred years the temperature on this planet has gone up 1.8 degrees. Am I the only one who finds that amazingly stable? I could go back to my hotel room tonight and futz with the thermostat for three to four hours and I would not detect that difference.
• Sure, the lion is the king of the jungle, but, airdrop him into Antarctica and he's just a penguin's bitch.
• And quit bringing up our forefathers and saying they were civil libertarians. Our founding fathers would have never tolerated any of this crap. For God's sake, they were blowing peoples' heads off because they put a tax on their breakfast beverage. And it wasn't even coffee.
• You know there is a problem with the education system when you realize that out of the 3 R's only one begins with an R.

Friday Night Standup - Jerry Seinfeld

• It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.
• Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.
• The Four Levels of Comedy: Make your friends laugh, Make strangers laugh, Get paid to make strangers laugh, and make people talk like you because it's so much fun.
• There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, "I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked."
• Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end.
• You know you're getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It's like, "See if you can blow this out."
• People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to.
• There is no such thing as "fun for the whole family."
• Can't we just get rid of wine lists? Do we really have to be reminded every time we go out to a nice restaurant that we have no idea what we are doing? Why don't they just give us a trigonometry quiz with the menu?
• Did you ever notice, when you are sitting at a red light, that when the person in front of you pulls up a couple of inches, you are compelled to move up too? Do we really think we are making progress toward our destination? "Whew, I thought we would be late, but now that I am nine inches closer, I can stop for coffee and a danish!"
• Isn't it weird that we drink milk, stuff designed to nourish baby cows? How did that happen? Did some cattleman once say, "Oh, man, I can't wait till them calves are done so I can get me a hit of that stuff."
• My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty, and that's the law.
• The big advantage of a book is it's very easy to rewind. Close it and you're right back at the beginning.
• The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. "Come on, buddy, let's go. You get past me, the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off. I've got the toe clippers right here."
• Would somebody please explain to me those signs that say, "No animals allowed except for Seeing Eye Dogs?" Who is that sign for? Is it for the dog, or the blind person?
  

Friday Night Standup - Groucho Marx

• A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.
• A man's only as old as the woman he feels.
• A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.
• Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.
• Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
• Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.
• From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.
• Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough.
• Go, and never darken my towels again.
• Humor is reason gone mad.
• I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.
• I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.
• I must confess, I was born at a very early age.
• I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
• I remember the first time I had sex. I kept the receipt.
• I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
• I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.
• I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it.
• If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.
• If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again.
• It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.
• Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
• My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something.
• No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early.
• One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.
• Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.
• Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.
• Room service? Send up a larger room.
• She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.
• The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.
• There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, "Yes," you know he is a crook.
• Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.
• Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know.
• When I was young I was amazed at Plutarch's statement that the elder Cato began at the age of eighty to learn Greek. I am amazed no longer. Old age is ready to undertake tasks that youth shirked because they would take too long.
• Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?
• Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.
• Why a four-year-old child could understand this report. Run out and find me a four-year-old child. I can't make head nor tail out of it.
• Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me?
• Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!
• Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse.
• Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough.
• Women should be obscene and not heard.
  

Deer Me

What do you call a blind stag? No eye deer.

What do you call a blind stag with no legs? Still no eye deer.

What do you call a blind stag with no legs and no dick? Still no fucking eye deer.