What did you expect?

With the disclaimer that there's no excuse for intentional rudeness and that this isn't directed to anyone I know, I'm confused by people who choose to present themselves in a non-conformist way (lots of tattoos and/or piercings, biker-ish, gangster-ish, unusual hair colors or styles, etc.) being surprised when people prejudge them based on their appearance. 

Wasn't it your intention for people to see you as a rebel/non-conformist/gangster, etc.? 

I'm not saying it's okay that anyone prejudge another person. I'm just saying that sometimes people are reacting to the image that is intentionally presented...by you.

Black Friday - Shop on!

I'm not a Black Friday type person, but people are so judgy, judgy toward the people who are. For some of the Black Friday shoppers, that IS how they spend their family time and it's been a family tradition long before it was labeled "Black Friday." Sure, there are crazies out there, but there are crazies everywhere. 

We also need to consider the fact that not everybody likes their family, so, there's that.

Some Black Friday shoppers just have such competitive personalities, that they can't help themselves. So, shop on, you crazy diamonds (Pink Floyd reference). I'm staying in my pajamas.

Low T - Get over it

"I have low testostrone, there I said it."

That's the opening line for one of those annoying Androgel commercials.  Men have always made jokes about women and menopause.  Now, they discover they also have hormone issues as they age and it's all "Yeah?!  So what?!  You wanna say something about it?"

They can't even call it "male menopause."  They have to give it a name in an attempt to disguise their insecurity about their lowered hormone level.

I imagine this pitch meeting by the Mad Men who came up with this marketing campaign:  "Let's not mention testosterone or, God forbid, male menopause.  How about 'Low T?'  Yeah, that's it. That's suitably evasive."

"That's when I talked to my doctor.  He gave me some blood tests.  Showed it was 'Low T.'  That's it. It was a number."

It wasn't just "a number," fella.  It was LOW testerone.  Get over yourself.

Rules of Me

Line Dancing

If I haven’t stood up to run to the dance floor with you when your favorite line dance starts playing, that means either (a) the song isn’t doing it for me or (b) the alcohol hasn’t kicked in.  Do not try to drag me to the dance floor with you.  That will only succeed in making me look like an asshole, which I mostly try to avoid.

Leader of the Band

Telling me to “STAND UP!!” … “CLAP YOUR HANDS!!” … “GET MOVING!!”… isn’t going to make me stand up, clap my hands or get moving.  Your constant instructions harsh my buzz and piss me off.  Leave me alone while I chillax and stop trying to be the boss of me.  Bossy performers give me flashbacks to the nuns in church:  stand up…sing…sit down…kneel.   Nuns are big buzz harshers.

Bah Humbug - Hurricane Sandy Benefit

First, lets be happy instead of envious for the attention and the assistance that the northeast is getting.  Good for them.

Second, for everyone upset that their own personal flood, hurricane, farmer, earthquake, fire did not get the same attention that Hurricane Sandy is getting, you need to keep in mind that the government gives the same level of attention, such as it is, to every disaster.  The media attention is directly proportional to the caliber of the celebrity who grew up in the neighborhood of the flood, hurricane, farmer, earthquake, typhoon.

If Bob Geldof, John Cougar Mellencamp or Bruce Springsteen grew up next door to you, chances are pretty good that your personal disaster would have also gotten a kick ass benefit.

So, the next time you have a flood, hurricane, earthquake, fire, mudslide, don't contact your local politician.  Contact your local celebrity.

Everybody Has a Camera...Dammit

The above two pictures were taken on the same night of the same trip to New Orleans in March of this year (2012).  I recently used the picture on the left as my Facebook profile picture.  Everyone was being so sweet about the loveliness of it that I started to feel guilty. I felt it was sort of false advertising.  

I admit that I look pretty good for 57 (Oil of Olay), but I don't look as good as that picture on the left. Chins up, margaritas and fortunate lighting can create a lovely illusion.  I'm more a combination of the two pictures.  So, I created the combo picture above and posted that as my Facebook profile picture instead. 

I posted it to remind everyone that in these times when everyone has a camera at their fingertips and we're all constantly being photographed, we should enjoy every minute of a perfectly lighted, accidentally great photo, but we shouldn't be too hard on ourselves for the not so great ones.

We know you don't look like the bad ones and, I hate to tell you, we also know you don't always look like the glamorous ones either.  So, stop untagging and deleting the ones you don't like.  It's all part of who you are and if anyone decides to stop being your friend or not date you because of an unflattering Facebook picture, you're best rid of them anyway.

Don't be afraid. Be happy.

I am completely, totally and obviously an optimist.  Pessimists and people who always look at the dark side of life drive me crazy.  I just want them to be happy...or just happier and it drives me nuts that I can't fix that.

This article (click here) suggests that pessimism is actually a result of fear rather than just plain old negativity.  That changes everything I ever thought about pessimists.  Don't worry, be happy now becomes don't be afraid, be happy.


Also, get over yourself.

I try to be patient with the old people who still write checks in the grocery store line, because I know when I'm that age and I'm still using my debit card, the young people behind me will be wondering why I'm not using a laser retina implant device to pay for my groceries like everyone else.

All You Need is Love...bom bom bada bom...

Last night my mom and I went to a memorial service for my Aunt Gladys’ sister-in-law.  Although I only saw Aunt Dorothy a few times a year, she always had a big hug for everyone, a warm smile and something funny to say.  During the services, her adult granddaughter spoke and now I know why Aunt Dorothy was such a joy to be around.  Her granddaughter told a few funny stories and then told us she wanted us all to know the three lessons she learned from her grandmother.

Smile More

The granddaughter’s sister went to visit her grandmother and was complaining about this or that.  Her grandmother looked at her and sweetly said, “You’re always complaining about something.  You need to stop complaining so much and decide to enjoy life.  Smile more.  You have a beautiful smile.  You should smile more.”

Never Hate

Aunt Dorothy did not like the word “hate” and nobody was allowed to use it when they were around her.  If someone said, “I hate this pencil.”  She would say, “You do not hate that pencil.  You dislike that pencil.” 

Always Love

Her granddaughter once asked her, “How can you love everybody no matter what they’ve done?  No matter what awful things they’ve done or how they’ve treated people, you’re always kind to them.  How can you treat everyone so nice all the time?”

Aunt Dorothy looked at the baby her granddaughter was holding and told her, “You have to look at everyone as though they’re that baby you’re holding.  When we’re born, we’re pure love and innocence like that baby.  God created us full of love and things happen to people in their life, but that innocent baby is still inside that person.  You have to look for that innocence and see it in everyone you meet.  Look at everyone like God looks at them.”

Rest in Peace

Now, I know why I felt such peace when I would sit next to Aunt Dorothy and listen to her funny stories.  She saw God in me.  She saw God in everyone.  Rest in peace, Aunt Dorothy.  You deserve it.  I strongly dislike that you won’t be around anymore.

Draw...something

I'm disturbed at how many of my "Draw Something" pictures start out looking like some variation of a penis.

The Perfect Storm

Last night, I was stopped at a stop sign and two cars were traveling toward each other on the cross street in front of me.  They caught my eye, because they were both really zooming.  As they got closer, I noticed that one of them was a Domino's delivery dude and the other was a Papa John's delivery dude.  As they got even closer, I realized they were both turning onto my street and they were both determined to get onto my street first.

Luckily, Papa John's dude made it to the corner a wee bit faster than Domino's dude and all ended well.  I'm not disappointed that I didn't end up sandwiched between two pizza dudes, but I think it would have made for a really interesting accident report.

Valentine's Day Quiz: What is neither a man nor a woman?

Our building laid out a lovely candy spread in the lobby this morning for Valentine's Day.  On the table, along with lots of candies of many sorts, was a pink paper with Valentine's Day "facts."  One of the facts was:

"73% of Valentine Day flowers are bought by men, whereas women buy only 23% of Valentine flowers."


Let's do the math

Lets assume for our calculations that the "flowers" are roses.  According to one website, 110 million roses will be bought for Valentine's Day.

73% + 23% = 96%

73% = men

23% = women

4% = ? (!)

4% of 110,000,000 roses = 440,000 roses

That gives us 36,666 dozen roses bought by people other than men and/or other than women.

Rounding up for flowers given on Valentine's Day which are not roses and rounding down for the showoffs who give more than one dozen roses to their amour, let's just say that 36,666 people who are neither men nor women are giving flowers to their significant other.

That seems like an awful lot of he/shes to me, even for The United States of America.  Does anyone have RuPaul's phone number, because I have some questions?

MTV is 30 years old? When did that happen?

While conversing with friends on Facebook, it came to my attention that MTV is 30 years old this year.  I remember hearing about that, but I don't remember freaking out about it like I am right now.

It occurs to me that teenagers today might be thinking the music of 1981 is as ancient as we thought the music of 1941 was when we were teenagers.

Are they looking at Rod Stewart, Bananarama and Pat Benatar the same way we looked at Bing Crosby, The Andrews Sisters and Judy Garland?

It Could Be Worse

Sometimes I look around and think it's amazing there aren't more crimes considering how many criminals there are and that there aren't more car accidents considering how many dumbass, distracted and just plain bad drivers there are, not to mention the sheer volume of automobiles on the road.

When something bad happens we tend to think, "If they had only been fives seconds earlier..." or "If they had only been five seconds later..."  The same principle applies to good things, but we usually don't know how close we were to disaster.

We should be thankful every day for crimes that don't happen, for accidents that don't occur and for good timing that we don't even realize we've experienced.

3 Things About Death and Taxes

I have nothing to say about taxes, but here are three indisputable facts about death that I've been pondering lately:

1.  Every animal, fish and person that was alive 150 years ago is dead.  All of them.  Every single one of them is gone, except for maybe a couple of koi fish, bowhead whales or giant tortoises.  150 years.  That's really not that long ago.  That's 1861.  Every animal, fish and person that was alive at the beginning of the civil war is gone.  Dunno.  Sayonara.

2.  There are two options when it comes to death.  We either die or we live long enough to see everyone else bite the bullet along the way.  Neither of these are pleasant options, but they are what they are.  Period.  That's life, or the lack thereof, in its most basic terms.

3.  I can't remember what number three was, but it was equally profound.

The Sweet Spot

EDIT:  Since I wrote this post, my two sisters have passed away.  Bonnie passed March 20, 2014 from oral cancer and my sister Terry passed away seven years to the day after I wrote this post, November 19, 2018, from pneumonia.


When people are in their early adulthood, they're so wrapped up in the big questions of life that they might not appreciate the little things.  They're so caught up in thoughts of school and work and "Will I ever get married?" and "Will I ever get a job?" and "Will I ever have kids?" that they might not look around and appreciate the right here, right now.

When you get to be an olden person like me, you look back and realize that those years were filled with most (if not all) of your grandparents, all of your siblings, all of your parents, all of your friends' parents, all of your cousins, most of your aunts and uncles and great-aunts and great-uncles and even some of your great-grandparents.  That's the sweet spot.  Part of you knows it won't always be that way, but another part of you takes it all for granted, because you think you have all the time in the world.

Everybody, not just the early adult-ers, needs to look at right here, right now and realize that you are in your own special sweet spot.  Right here, right now you have who you have.  Love them and cherish them, because it can change in a heartbeat.

Thank God, thank Buddha, thank whoever you believe in, thank your lucky stars for everyone you love and for everyone who loves you and God bless us everyone.

Happy Thanksgiving.

I passed by a fried chicken restaurant yesterday and there was a smiling cartoon chicken outside the restaurant holding up a sign with the specials for the day written on it. That  seemed to me to be highly inappropriate. A chicken shouldn't be pimping out the delicious fried meat of his fellow species.

Self Examination

There's nothing like a beautiful sunshine-y morning to make you open up the blinds, let the sun pour in and ask yourself, "Holy shit.  When's the last time I dusted this rat hole?"

If I was a cop...

...I would spend all day searching for assholes who run stop signs.  Then, I would stop the asshole, turn off my cop-car-camera and slap the piss out of him.  Then, I would turn my cop-car-camera back on and give the asshole the largest possible ticket allowed by law.  Then, I would go to court on the day that the asshole tries to tell the judge (a) that he didn't run a stop sign and (b) that I slapped the piss out of him.  Then, I would tell the judge, "Throw the book at the fucker!"

Then, I'd probably have to get another job, but it would be so worth it.


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I am a Cyber Bitch

Last week I was involved in an event which required coordinating people from Austin, Lake Charles, Hawaii and points local to meet at a specific location at a specific time. 

This morning, through a brief e-mail exchange, two of my chick friends and I were able to take the first steps in fulfilling our destiny to stalk...I mean...to meet...Adam Levine in September at The Woodlands.

Do you have any idea how complicated it would have been to accomplish these tasks without e-mail?  Without Facebook?  I'm sure that you do. 

I have a friend who is not on Facebook, who does not "do texting" and who constantly informs me, "I never read my e-mail."  It gets on my last nerve any time I have to contact that woman for anything.  Did you hear/read what I just said/wrote?  It annoys me to have to pick up a teeny tiny cell phone, punch a few numbers and say actual words in my actual voice to a dear friend.

I'm such a cyber bitch.


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