Monday, January 31, 2005


*Pic* Posted by Hello

Bless You

I saw an old Murphy Brown episode the other night and Miles said a line that I have always remembered and often quote when I’m around sick people and I've been around a lot of sneezing and hacking and coughing people lately.

In the episode, Miles has the flu and right after he sneezes and blows his nose he looks in his handkerchief and says, “Oh, God. I think that's the part of my brain that does long division.”

Sunday, January 30, 2005

Happy Birthday, Andrew!

Happy Birthday, Andrew! Go Cocks!

Chris LeBlanc Band

Last night Terry and Dan and I went to Antone's and saw Chris LeBlanc. By the way, that's pronounced la-blon here in Southeast Texas. We Cajuns don't take offense that Matt LeBlanc insists on unsilencing the C out there in California. However, if you you call a LeBlanc la-blank in Louisiana or Southeast Texas, you're on your own and you can't say I didn't warn you.

Chris and his band play original music and outstanding covers of Beatles (Let It Be, Back in the USSR), Hendrix, Allman Brothers, Lynyrd Skynyrd, Elton John (Rocket Man), Inxs and Creedence to name a few. However, I don't want to give the impression that they are a simple cover band. Chris' outstanding guitar playing and singing make their versions individual masterpieces which stand on their own.

I leave you with the lyrics to Simple Man which Chris sang amazingly last night and the words of which have been running through my head all morning. I hope I'm not violating any copyrights by doing this but if I am, you are all accomplices. Have a nice day and see you in court.

Simple Man by Lynyrd Skynyrd
(gary rossington - ronnie vanzant)

Mama told me when I was young
Come sit beside me, my only son
And listen closely to what I say.
And if you do this
It will help you some sunny day.

Take your time... don’t live too fast,
Troubles will come and they will pass.
Go find a woman and you’ll find love,
And don’t forget son,
There is someone up above.

And be a simple kind of man.
Be something you love and understand.
Be a simple kind of man.
Won’t you do this for me son,
If you can?

Forget your lust for the rich man’s gold
All that you need is in your soul,
And you can do this if you try.
All that I want for you my son,
Is to be satisfied.

Boy, don’t you worry... you’ll find yourself.
Follow you heart and nothing else.
And you can do this if you try.
All I want for you my son,
Is to be satisfied.

*Pic* Chris LeBlanc Posted by Hello

*Pic* Chris LeBlanc and his band at Antone's Posted by Hello

The Sisters

Posted by Hello

After we saw Chris LeBlanc at Antone's we went over to the Black Cat to see Radi and her sister Anna who was in town from California.

Saturday, January 29, 2005

Blogging Defined

My blogging friend Lorna up in Canada left the following comment on one of my posts in response to another nice comment left by a new visitor. This was too good to leave in the comments section where it might not be read. Enjoy.

As a Friday to Thursday night blogsurfer, I contend that this is a life. I get to enjoy great conversation, walk out on stuff I find boring, hope people listen to me, and it's just like an old-fashioned cocktail party except I don't have to get dressed up (too bad, I have sparkly things) and there's no hangover. I always look for Laurie at the bar--some things you can always count on; I get to choose the background noise---right now it's Ray Lamontagne and I can pour my own.

Friday, January 28, 2005

Friday Night Standup - Lawyer Variety

Don't Look Now
A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick.

"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom."

He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened.

Finally the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But, you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put to you that you have a reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty."

The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and they pronounced a verdict of guilty.

"But how?" inquired the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door."

The jury foreman replied, "Oh, we looked, but your client didn't."

Bears (and Lawyers) in the WoodsTwo lawyers walking through the woods spotted a vicious-looking bear. The first lawyer immediately opened his briefcase, pulled out a pair of sneakers and started putting them on.

The second lawyer looked at him and said, "You're crazy! You'll never be able to outrun that bear!"

"I don't have to," the first lawyer replied. "I only have to outrun you."

You Want the Bad News...
A man was summoned to his attorney’s office. "Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?" the lawyer said.

"Give me the bad news first."

"Your wife found a picture worth a million dollars."

"That’s the bad news?" laughed the man. "I can’t wait to hear the terrible news."

"The terrible news is the picture is of you and your secretary."

See What Brown Can Do For You

Posted by Hello

Thursday, January 27, 2005

Looking Through the Beer Goggles of Love

My blogging friend Deek (if you aren't reading him at Blog of Funk, you're missing out) recently wrote a post about thinking himself handsome (in a mind over matter sort of way) and it made me think of beer googles, or, in my case, Smirnoff Ice goggles.

My sisters and my friends are constanly pulling me away from what I perceive to be fascinating conversation with an incredibly handsome man. It has become a habit of mine to now ask my keepers early on, "Is he normal?" or "He's cute isn't he? He has all his teeth...and most of his hair."

It's just that I'm easily impressed and easily amused when I've had a few cocktails. This can, understandably give a man the impression that I am (a) impressed and/or (b) amused which isn't really fair to him since, in reality, I am probably neither. I'm just drunk which makes me smile a lot.

The side effect that Deek's post reminded me of is a less frequently mentioned symptom of beer (Smirnoff Ice) goggles. That would be the inverse beer (Smirnoff Ice) goggle effect. Not only do we find members of the opposite sex more attractive than they really are, but we actually begin to think we are the shizzle and could give Angelina Jolie a run for Brad Pitt's money.

I have a few pieces of advice for you before your next evening out on the town:
  1. Designate a driver,
  2. Designate a keeper, and
  3. Whatever you do, don't piss off your keeper. They hold your romantic fate for the evening in their hands. A pissed off keeper can lead you straight into the waiting arms of Ms. Psycho-Bitch-From-Hell or Mr. What-Was-I-Thinking.

The Wedding Party

Darlene and Jerry surprised everyone and got married Friday in New Orleans before the rest of us got there. Pictured: Shannon, Mary Beth, Jerry, Darlene, Laurie

Posted by Hello

Shannon, Mary Beth and Laurie at Pat O'Brien's Posted by Hello

The whole group at Margaritaville.

*Pic* Posted by Hello

Wednesday, January 26, 2005

Ain't Nothin' But a (Blue Suede) Hound Dog

My friend Shannon’s son Zachary is in the first grade. When she got home yesterday, he had been playing outside with the dog. He was filthy and muddy and the lower part of his face around his mouth was a lovely shade of blue. I pictured something like what a vampire would look like if it attacked a Smurf.

Deciding to overlook Zach’s Technicolor mouth and general dirt incrustation, Shannon went outside. In the backyard, she saw their dog which was obviously not well in the same bright blue sort of way.

Shannon asked, “Zach, what’s wrong with Ben?”

“Well,” Zach offered, “The water hose is all the way in the front yard and I knew Ben was thirsty and, let’s just say, I found out you can’t give Blue Gatorade to a dog.”

Weird Idol Voodoo

Call me a dork but I love American Idol. Actually, it’s worse than that, I’m obsessed. My family and friends know I will not pick up the phone during an episode so they don’t even try to call. Even with all the brain cells I've murdered, I can still name the final twelve from the last two seasons. I know. Dork. Shut up.

Last night, American Idol was in New Orleans (one of my favorite programs in one of my favorite places – it was almost more than I could bear) and there was one particular segment that was very cosmically weird for me. As you all know, I just got back from New Orleans and we stayed at The Inn on Bourbon, my home away from home.

In the segment, Ryan Secrest was interviewing one of the performers about his parents, while standing on Bourbon Street. The contestant was explaining how his parents met while working in separate clubs on Bourbon Street which were on opposite corners of the street from each other. The first thing the guy pointed out was The Inn on Bourbon which is on the corner opposite from the two clubs. When the cameras went back inside to show the guy’s audition, guess what he sang. Go ahead, guess.

He sang, “Do You Know What It Means to Miss New Orleans?”!! Is it possible that I'm the center of the universe as I always suspected?

Tonight, American Idol is in Las Vegas, my second favorite city. If anything freaky happens, I’ll let you know. Don’t call me, I’ll call you…after the show.

Tuesday, January 25, 2005

From my calendar at work...

A common mistake people make when trying to design something completely foolproof is to underestimate the ingenuity of fools.

A Message to the Camera Shy: Get Over It

Camera shyness is a foreign concept to me. My family and usual traveling companions are such camera hogs that I am always taken aback by the whole hand-in-front-of-the-face-don’t-take-my-picture attitude.

Some people photograph well and some people do not. Some are actually more attractive in photos than in person. I hate to be the person to burst some bubbles but some of you aren’t as cute as you think you are. There are others who take horrible pictures but are attractive in person. All of which doesn’t amount to a hill of beans. I take a horrible picture but I smile as big as I can and no one seems to notice the fat cheeks, beady eyes, triple chins or big nose.

My message to the camera shy:

We take pictures of you because we like you and we want a memory of spending time with you. No one gives a sh** or even gives any consideration to how you look. If it’s a particularly unattractive shot of you, we will laugh at the absurdity of the photo, not at you personally. Everyone knows you don't really look like that in person.

From now on, I will not argue with any of you if you don’t want your picture taken. You look a lot more ridiculous cowering and hiding and scowling than if you put a big smile on your face and showed the world your true personality. But, if that’s how you want it, I will politely ask you to step aside while I take the picture of everyone else. There will be no more begging, no more pleading, no more don’t-take-my-picture theatrics.

You will almost certainly be unintentionally included in some of the more candid shots but that’s tough cookies. Please try to suck it up and, for posterity’s sake, try to look like you’re having fun.

Monday, January 24, 2005

First New Orleans Story - January 2005 Trip

Posted by Hello

Before I left for New Orleans, I got an e-mail from a fellow blogger, Seven. He lives in New Orleans and we decided to meet up since we would both be in the French Quarter Saturday night. It was amazing to meet someone I only knew from his stories on his blog. He was a very nice guy and we visited for a while, watched some crazy karioke at the Cat's Meow and then made our goodbyes before venturing into the wilds of Bourbon Street.

If you have a chance, check out his blog. This guy has had a fasciniting life. Bye, Seven! It was nice to meet you and I'll e-mail you before we make our next trip.

*Pic* Posted by Hello

*Pic* Posted by Hello

I'm Back

Got back from New Orleans last night with only enough time to unpack before watching Desperate Housewives and Boston Legal. I will post pictures and stories later.

I didn't kill all of my Sea-Monkeys after all. I have about 30 babies.

I'm at work now so I'm giving you this quick post my sister, Terry, sent me Friday. This happened to them Thursday evening at Crazy Jose's Mexican restaurant. (Her kids are Elliott 20, Alec 18 and Katie 13.)

"We were at Crazy Jose's last night. Alec had one of those big Queso chips. He asked,"Who wants the rest of this?" Elliott and Katie both said "I do!". So he gave it to Elliott who was sitting next to him. Elliott took the chip and held it up to break it in half. As he held it up Alec said, "Body of Christ".


Friday, January 21, 2005

Zap Posted by Hello

Thursday, January 20, 2005

See You On The Bourbocam!

I'm going to New Orleans for a couple of days. Please don’t break into my townhouse while I’m gone. Gladys Kravitz next door (we share a wall) and her 3 dachshunds will be watching the house and those mutts (including Gladys) bark at anything. She would be more than thrilled to throw someone’s pointy ass in jail.

Plus, the joke would be on you since the only things I own of any value are my new camera and my car, both of which are going with me. My computer is 5 years old and my television is 15 years old. You’d be laughed out of the pawn shop and disavowed as a quality burglar if you tried to get money for my valuables (and I use the term lightly).

Peace out, look for me on the Bourbocam and post you on Monday.

Wednesday, January 19, 2005

Where You Can Be You

Communicating online is a strange phenomenon. Whether it's through blogging or e-mail or instant messaging, without realizing it you create a mental picture of the person you're communicating with. If it's someone you know, you picture their smile (or frown) as they write to you. You see their eyes. You sense their familiar mannerisms as you read their words.

If it's someone you've only met online, whether through business or pleasure, the physical characteristics in your mind's eye may be imaginary but through the mental connection you've developed with that person you can still visualize them sitting at their computer working or laughing or crying as they communicate and share their thoughts and feelings.

Perhaps that's why it's always so surreal to me when I go to someone's house or office and see their writing area for the first time. It's the area where they share their most personal inner thoughts with friends and family and sometimes virtual strangers. It's the space where they have laughed at so many jokes sent by relatives and co-workers. It's where they pay their bills and view their porn and read their religious chain e-mails. It's where they download music and do homework and play online games with people from all over the world.

The area within a few feet of a person's computer, whether at work or at home, is a very personal and individual space and, yet, many characteristics are universal. Some people have snacks. Some of us have Sea-Monkeys. Occasionally, there is an emply coffee mug or soft drink can. There are usually a lot of PC games in various degrees of completion, many of which never made it much past the intro screens. You almost always find lots of little pieces of paper with passwords and login names and web addresses to check out.

It's like looking behind the curtain at Oz or as though a magician has lifted the veil of secrecy. Something that has always been only a product of your imagination is real and tangible and right in front of you.

And it usually needs dusting.

DA Confronts Jury Pool from Hell

This news article is hilarious. It's a brief summary about what happened to an attorney in Tennessee while trying to pick a jury.

Defense attorney Leslie Ballin called it the "jury pool from hell." The group of prospective jurors was summoned to listen to a case of Tennessee trailer park violence.

Right after jury selection began last week, one man got up and left, announcing, "I'm on morphine and I'm higher than a kite."

When the prosecutor asked if anyone had been convicted of a crime, a prospective juror said that he had been arrested and taken to a mental hospital after he almost shot his nephew. He said he was provoked because his nephew just would not come out from under the bed.

Another would-be juror said he had had alcohol problems and was arrested for soliciting sex from an undercover officer. "I should have known something was up," he said. "She had all her teeth."

Another prospect volunteered he probably should not be on the jury: "In my neighborhood, everyone knows that if you get Mr. Ballin (as your lawyer), you're probably guilty." He was not chosen.

The case involved a woman accused of hitting her brother's girlfriend in the face with a brick. Ballin's client was found not guilty.

Tuesday, January 18, 2005

The Fruitcake Lady

There are two kinds of people. There are Letterman people and there are Leno people. I think Jay Leno is a nice guy but I don't think he's funny. Funny is a very personal thing and he just doesn't do it for me. Nice, yes. Funny, no. I prefer smartass Letterman.

Therefore, I had never heard of the Fruitcake Lady. You have to click on the link (that's an order) and watch some of these videos. She is my new idol.

Emergency Sea-Monkey Sex Bulletin

This is an emergency Sea-Monkey Sex Bulletin. Three of the Sea-Monkeys in Carly's perverse little colony are currently engaging in an oddly beautifully executed menage-a-trois.

We now return you to your regularly scheduled blog surfing.

Elevator Etiquette

Okay, everyone, pay attention now. Running for an elevator when the door is closing is the height of arrogance.

People who do this are basically saying to everyone on the elevator, “Hey wait for me. Look at me, I’m running. I can’t possibly wait 30 more seconds for the next elevator. You must all wait. Wait, wait, wait for me. Now everyone move over so I can squeeze into this tiny space with my purse and my lunch and my big-ass bag full of God knows what.”

I love to look at them and pretend like I’m trying to punch the open button and shrug helplessly like I’m an idiot who just can’t figure out which button to push as I casually push the close button. I am the queen of non-confrontational confrontation.

Sea-Monkey Update

Carly’s Sea-Monkeys finally parted. Shortly, thereafter, however, two of them (we’re assuming two males) started fighting. They fought all afternoon and when we got here this morning, one of them (the winner we suppose) was having sex with the already pregnant female! Carly’s got a regular Sea-Monkey hippie commune over there. Bunch of briney perverts.

Regarding my own Sea-Monkeys, I fed them last night for the first time and I think I overfed them. Before feeding it looked like I had hundreds in there, now I only see one! Carly says I used the wrong end of the feeding spoon. I didn’t even know there were two ends. Dammit! She says the same thing happened to her but she ended up with the four who are now valiantly and somewhat immorally trying to repopulate her tank. I’ll check things out when I get home. I’m quite sad. I’m a Sea-Monkey murderer!

Monday, January 17, 2005

You've Seen It Before - Now You're Seeing It Here

  • Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
  • Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
  • I'm not a complete idiot. Some parts are missing.
  • I have a degree in liberal arts; do you want fries with that?
  • A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
  • A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
  • They call it PMS because "mad cow disease" was already taken.
  • He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.
  • A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
  • Ham and eggs. A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
  • I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.
  • They told me I was gullible .. and I believed them.
  • Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.
  • I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure
  • It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.
  • Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?

    Last but not least:
  • Most plans are just inaccurate predictions – Ben Bayol

Sea-Monkey Sex...Or Is It?

This morning Carly's Sea-Monkey's are still attached. I looked up Sea-Monkey mating habits and now find that it's possible that these two Sea-Monkeys are actually fighting instead of mating.

One of them keeps ramming the other one's head into the side of the tank. So, is this their form of banging their heads on the heardboard or is one Sea-Monkey trying to knock the other one silly so he can have all the Sea-Monkey love in Carly's little tank to himself?

Would You Convict Me?

This morning as I was trying to turn into the parking lot at work, a girl was standing in the middle of the entrance looking around, first to the left, then to the right, smiling, back to the left, again to the right, TALKING ON HER CELL PHONE!

I should have run her over. No court in the land would have convicted me.

Sunday, January 16, 2005

AC/DC and Rolling Stones at Antones (Well, Sort of)

Friday night we saw one of my favorite tribute bands at Antones. It was the one and only Hell's Bells, a tribute band to AC/DC. As usual, they were wonderful.

Next up is Satisfaction on February 4, a Rolling Stones tribute band. I've seen these guys once and they were also excellent.

If either of these groups play anywhere near wherever you are, you should have a listen.

New Orleans in the Snow

Someone forwarded these pictures to me of New Orleans in the snow (December 2004). They are absolutely beautiful.

St. Charles Avenue Posted by Hello

Pontalba Building Posted by Hello

Old Metarie Cemetary Posted by Hello

Jackson Square Posted by Hello

Grave Top Posted by Hello

Canal Street Posted by Hello

Audobon Park Posted by Hello

Saturday, January 15, 2005

United Bloggers of America

I found this on Seven's blog. I'm going to put it on my sidebar... if I can figure out how. Feel free to do the same...if you can figure out how. Posted by Hello

Wild Monkey Sex - Update

When we left the office Friday afternoon, Carly's Sea-Monkeys were still going at it. Chris doesn't think they're having sex. He thinks they're just "stuck". Same difference if you ask me.

My own Sea-Monkeys are thriving. They're about three weeks younger than Carly's herd (gaggle, swarm, school?). They're about the size of a comma (,) and they're swimming frantically around the tank. There seem to be hundreds of them and Carly tells me that my little tank can only support life for about a hundred adult Sea-Monkeys.

Now, I'm in a panic. How am I going to count Sea-Monkeys?

"1-2-3...oh, I already counted you...1-2...damn it!! Stop moving around you little bastards! 1-2...26-27-28...F**k!!!"

Sea-Monkey Habitat

*Pic* Sea-Monkey Habitat Posted by Hello

*Pic* Sea-Monkey Habitat Posted by Hello

Holy Psycho Bitch Driver, Batman!

Someone sent me an e-mail joke Thursday and on Friday, the joke actually (partially) happened to me on my way to work.

I was driving down Phelan Boulevard approaching the Maury Meyers Overpass. Immediately after the overpass, I have to make a left turn so I checked behind me and there was a van in the left lane at least two car lengths behind me. I pulled into the left lane and immediately checked my rearview mirror again and the van was right on my ass. I mean, you couldn't have put a telephone book between our bumpers, that's how close she was. The speed limit on the overpass is 35 miles an hour and there's usually a motorcycle cop on the other side pulling over speeders so I always go the speed limit.

Psycho bitch driver evidently thought I was jacking with her by going slow so, big surprise, she whips around me on the right (I gave her my patented below-window-level-shoot-the-finger as she roared by) and then she cut right in front of me leaving the same telephone book sized space between our bumpers. God, I never wanted that policeman to be on the other side of that bridge so bad in my life which, of course, he wasn't.

As she whipped in front of me, I looked at her bumper, which seemed to be six inches in front of my face. That's when I saw it: a chrome Jesus fish! Very christian of you, lady. Do you shake your fist and shout at the minister when his sermon goes too long? Do you cut people off on your way to Communion? Do you take the last piece of pie at the covered dish supper? I bet you do.

Here's the joke:
A man is being tailgated by a stressed-out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turns yellow, just in front of him. He does the honest thing, and stops at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection. The tailgating woman hits the roof and the horn, screaming in frustration as she misses her chance to get through the intersection with him. Still in mid-rant, she hears a tap on her window and looks up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer orders her to exit her car with her hands up. He takes her to the police station where she is searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a cell. After a couple of hours, a policeman approaches the cell and opens the door. She is escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer is waiting with her personal effects. He says, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping the guy off in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me to Sunday School' bumper sticker, and the chrome plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk... Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car."

Friday, January 14, 2005

Friday Night Stand Up


An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.

The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly."

The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"

The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... the one that's red and has thorns."

"Do you mean a rose?"

"Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"

A Dog's Reminders to Himself
  1. The mailman and garbage collector are not stealing our stuff.
  2. I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.
  3. I will not roll my toys behind the fridge, behind the sofa or under the bed.
  4. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur BEFORE entering the house.
  5. I will not eat the cats' food, before they eat it or after they throw it up.
  6. I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in the house when I am about to get sick.
  7. I will not throw up in the car.
  8. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc. just because I like the way they smell.
  9. "Kitty box crunchies", although they are tasty, are not food.
  10. I will not eat any more Kleenex, napkins or newspapers and then redeposit them in the backyard after processing.
  11. The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.
  12. I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them.
  13. I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red ones, or my people will think I am hemorrhaging.
  14. When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it's raining outside.
  15. We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.
  16. I will not steal my mom's underwear and dance all over the backyard with them.
  17. The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are mom & dad's laps.
  18. My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
  19. I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for mom's drivers license and car registration.
  20. I will not play tug-of-war with dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.
  21. I will not eat mint flavored dental floss out of the bathroom garbage and walk around with a string hanging out of my butt.
  22. I will not use "roll around in the dirt" as an option after just getting a bath.
  23. Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is not an acceptable way of saying hello.
  24. I will not hump on any person's leg just because I thought it was the right thing to do.
  25. I will not fart in my owners face while sleeping on the pillow next to their head.
  26. I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt across the carpet.
  27. The toilet bowl is not a never ending water supply and, just because the water is blue, it doesn't mean it is cleaner.
  28. I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch when company is over.
  29. Suddenly turning around and smelling my butt can quickly clear a room.
  30. The cat is not a squeaky toy so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it's usually not a good thing.

Wild Monkey Sex

Carly’s Sea-Monkey’s are mating right now! (She has hers here at the office. I keep mine at home because I would stare at them all day if I had them up here.)

She called me to come see them and I had to casually walk over there when every fiber of my being was shouting, “Run!” (No running in the office, please, and put down those scissors!) When I got there, Hondo (only 3 weeks old, the slut) was engaging in something with one of the other Monkeys. Whatever they’re doing looks more oral than genital, however, but who the hell knows. We’re not sure if it’s 69 but it’s at least 6. Sea-Monkey foreplay we assume.

Wild Monkey Sex updates will follow as events warrant.

Thursday, January 13, 2005

My Embarrassing Tipping Experience

I recently read a blog post in which the author wondered if you should tip the guys who do the detail work when you have your car washed. That post made me think about my own tipping habits and reminded me of one of my most embarrassing moments.

As for my tipping habits, I'm a very good tipper. I go to New Orleans and Las Vegas a lot and this is where I learned that being a generous tipper keeps everyone happy. It's an ideal symbiotic relationship. The person receiving the nice tip is happy (I'm not saying an outrageously huge tip, just a little extra), my glass is never empty and I always have plenty of clean towels.

Now, for my embarrassing experience. Until my hairdresser changed shops, she worked in one of the high end salons here in Beaumont. I loved going to that place and I miss it now that she's in a smaller shop. In the larger salon, there was great music, lots of stylists and lots of people everywhere. When you were called for your appointment, one of the many shampoo persons would shampoo you for the stylist. The shampoo included a wonderful five minute head massage. Oh, yeah. It was great. I always tipped the shampoo person a couple of bucks because that's what my mama taught me.

One day, I was called back for my shampoo by a young, good looking, very stylish guy. He gave me the usual shampoo with the wonderful five minute head massage which became a ten minute head and shoulder massage. Oh, man. When it was done, I tried to give the guy the tip. He looked at me, kind of smirked, patted me on the shoulder and said, "Oh, that's okay." It was very strange and made me feel oddly uncomfortable.

When I told my daughter-in-law what had happened, she asked me what the guy looked like. She said, "You tried to tip, Leonardo Da Vinci." (Not his real name, but you get my drift.) I had tried to tip the owner of the salon! The Master Stylist himself! There I sat in my Saturday morning t-shirt, non-designer jeans and no-name tennis shoes trying to give two bucks to one of the richest men in Beaumont. (He owns several of these salons.)

Of course, I have no shame. I kept going to the salon because total and utter humiliation is a small price to pay for a good haircut.

Wednesday, January 12, 2005

Because Lauren Challenged Me...

My newest blogging friend, Lauren, says I have to do this so here I go. For those of you who are bored by this sort of thing, move along and I'll post you tomorrow.

  1. 3 names you go by: 1. Laurie 2. Lo-Lo (Aunt Gert and Uncle Henry call me this. I'm not sure why and they're on different sides of the family.) 3. Aunt Honey (my niece and all my nephews)
  2. 3 screen names you have: 1. lauriea776 2. landerson1 3. lauriean
  3. 3 things you like about yourself: 1. Easy going 2. I like all kinds of music 3. I'm easily entertained by the mundane
  4. 3 things I dislike about myself: 1. Judgmental 2. Overly cautious 3. Inhibited
  5. 3 parts of your heritage: 1. Cajun French (mom's side of the family) 2. Cajun French (dad's side of the family) 3. Attakapa Indian (a little bit on mom's side)
  6. 3 things that scare you: 1. Heights 2. Bugs 3. Snakes
  7. 3 of your everyday essentials: 1. Anti-wrinkle cream 2. Write at least one post in my blog 3. Sleep, sleep, sleep
  8. 3 things you're wearing right now: 1. Pajama pants 2. Jive Train long sleeve t-shirt 3. Slipper socks that look like ballet slippers.
  9. 3 of your favorite bands/artists: 1. Allman Brothers 2. Led Zepplin 3. Steely Dan
  10. 3 of your favorite songs at the present: 1. Anything by Jason Mraz 2. Anything by Maroon 5 3. Anything by Cold Play
  11. 3 things you want in a relationship (love is a given, and I will add in great sex and honesty) : 1. Humor 2. Intelligence 3. Trust
  12. 2 truths and a lie (no particular order to keep you guessing): 1. I love New Orleans 2. I love Las Vegas 3. I hate to fly
  13. 3 physical things about a love interest that appeal: 1. Smiles a lot 2. Nice eyes 3. Smells good
  14. 3 things you just can't do: 1. Ride roller coasters 2. Sing (doesn't stop me though) 3. Eat peas
  15. 3 of your favorite hobbies (blogging isn't a hobby, it's an addiction): 1. Reading 2. New York Times Sunday Crossword Puzzle (it's a hobby because it takes me all week) 3. Computer games (Sims, Civilization, Age of Emires, stuff like that)
  16. 3 things you want to do badly right now: 1. Watch CSI New York in about 2 minutes 2. Continue reading Lord of the Rings 3. Go to bed
  17. 3 careers you are considering: 1. Writer (from my fabulous townhouse in the French Quarter) 2. Writer (from my fabulous beach house on Crystal Beach) 3. Writer (from my fabulous suite in Las Vegas)
  18. 3 kids names (either boy or girl): 1. Cory (my son) 2. Jamie (my daughter-in-law) 3. Carly (what I was going to name Cory if he was a girl)
  19. 3 things you want to do before you die: 1. Go to New York City 2. Go to California 3. Go to Europe
  20. 3 people who have to take this quiz now: 1. Astrid 2. Tracey 3. Jen

Tuesday, January 11, 2005

*Pic* Sea-Monkeys: The Box Posted by Hello

The Perfect Pet

I don't have pets. I like animals in theory. In practice, however, they are destructive, they are messy, they are demanding, they are expensive and they stink.

I am so self-centered and self-indulgent that I don't even have plants because that would be one more thing to fuss over and dust and feed and water.

I have, however, made the plunge into pet ownership on a level I can deal with. I have bought Sea Monkeys! Not just any Sea Monkeys, mind you. I bought The Amazing Live Sea-Monkeys Executive Set. In about ten minutes, I will give them the gift of life. Of course, if their little tank gets dirty, they're getting flushed.

Sayonara, monkey boy.

Who's That Girl?

There used to be a club here in Beaumont called Main Street. It was one club but it consisted of three different venues. One was a country bar, one was a karioke bar and the other was a dance club. My sisters and I have different tastes in music and one night Bonnie wanted to go to the country bar but I wanted to stay in the dance club. Because they were bored and probably trying to ditch their husbands, Melissa and Terry went with Bonnie to the country bar across the way.

Bonnie had imbibed a few cocktails so she was thinking she was looking pretty cute and that she was just about drunk enough to do a really smooth Electric Slide. As Bonnie was perfecting one of her more intricate moves, she stepped on her own foot and fell flat on her ass. (I sure wish I had seen that.)

Melissa, being a good friend, punched Terry and said, "Oh my God! Do you think she's okay?"

Terry said, "I don't know. Maybe."

"Go help her!" Melissa choked out between waves of laughter.

Terry said, "Hell no! People will know she's with us!"

Monday, January 10, 2005

She Thinks Her Tractor's Sexy

This morning I overheard one of the attorneys ask his paralegal why she was limping. Her reply was, “I hurt my leg getting on my tractor.”

I was going to end this post with the statement: Nowhere but Texas. However, when I thought about it, I realized that there are probably lots of states with tractor-driving paralegals. But, I’ll bet you dollars to donuts, by God, that we have more of them per law firm than any other state.

Yeah, I’m braggin’.

Sunday, January 09, 2005

Journey Tribute Band Experience

We (Laurie, Terry, Bonnie, Dan, Steve, Alfa) went to Antone's last night and saw a Journey tribute band. After further investigation, I've found out that this tribute band is actually a sideline for a band from Houston called Stride (

I have a bad habit of prejudging bands before they play their first note. Before they even started, I noticed a lot of posturing by the lead singer (very Steve Perry-ish) and I also noticed that the lead guitarist was wearing leather pants. I immediately decided I'd be ragging on these guys all night long. It's not nice, I know, but that's me.

I can't remember what song they opened with but within about three bars, I decided lead guitarist guy could perform butt-naked if he wanted and lead singer guy could posture his ass off with the best of them. I never saw a Journey concert but this guy's voice was amazing. The lead guitarist, keyboard guy and drummer were all, individually, great musicians. Sorry to use a worn-out cliche but, they rocked.

When you listen to music with Dan and Steve, it's like having your own little VH-1 Behind the Music episode presented just for you. I had no idea that Journey was the result of two former Santana members (Gregg Rolie and Neal Schon) forming a band. The bass player also had an amazing voice and, according to Dan, he was singing the Journey songs that Gregg Rolie sang. I remember in the 80's that people would criticize the Steve Perry version of Journey saying that Journey had become nothing but a Steve Perry backup band and now I know what they were talking about. I still love the Steve Perry version though.

To make the night even more perfect, there was a group of 20-something people there who I imagined as my own personal "Brat Pack" placed in front of me for my entertainment. They weren't annoying or irritating so I enjoyed spying on their little dramas. These guys must have been kids when Journey was rocking on MTV but they were loving it. I'm sure some of the love was chemically enhanced but it was fun to watch nonetheless.

By the way, Carly, in case I forget to tell you, A. J. was there and he says hi.

*Pic* Dan, Terry, Radi, Laurie at the Black Cat Posted by Hello

Saturday, January 08, 2005

Saturday Morning Fashion Statement

*Pic* Posted by Hello

Yes, I get my eclectic fashion sense from my dad.