Thursday, December 13, 2012

Bah Humbug - Hurricane Sandy Benefit

First, lets be happy instead of envious for the attention and the assistance that the northeast is getting.  Good for them.

Second, for everyone upset that their own personal flood, hurricane, farmer, earthquake, fire did not get the same attention that Hurricane Sandy is getting, you need to keep in mind that the government gives the same level of attention, such as it is, to every disaster.  The media attention is directly proportional to the caliber of the celebrity who grew up in the neighborhood of the flood, hurricane, farmer, earthquake, typhoon.

If Bob Geldof, John Cougar Mellencamp or Bruce Springsteen grew up next door to you, chances are pretty good that your personal disaster would have also gotten a kick ass benefit.

So, the next time you have a flood, hurricane, earthquake, fire, mudslide, don't contact your local politician.  Contact your local celebrity.

Saturday, December 08, 2012

Friday, November 09, 2012

Elevator Ghost

Not everyone knows this, but the elevator lobby in my building has sort of a haunted history.  As a person walks up to the elevators, they see someone get on the elevator and the doors close.  The person pushes the button to call another elevator and the doors open on the elevator that just closed and nobody is in there.

This hasn't happened to me in a long time, but it happened to me at lunch today.  When the doors opened and nobody was in the elevator that I just saw someone walk into, I hesitated and then walked in.  As the doors closed I pushed the button for my floor and heard a loud woman's voice in the elevator behind me! 

I freaked out and turned around to see a woman talking on her cell phone as she walked into the elevator from the freight door side.  (One of our elevators has doors in the front and the back.)  I looked at her and shouted, "You scared me!"  She looked at me like I was nuts and said, "Sorry." and continued her telephone conversation. 

Sorry?  You scared the piss out of me and all you can say is "sorry?"  How about putting that cell phone down and helping me clean up all this elevator pee?

Sunday, November 04, 2012

Roy and Dale Doing it Gangsta

I was flipping channels and saw "The Roy Rogers Show" playing on the RFD channel. I put it on for a few minutes and there were Roy and Dale walking around their house cooking and, generally, doing normal household stuff with six-shooters on their hips. So gangster.

Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Message to New York and New Jersey from Southeast Texas

Regarding Hurricane Sandy:
 All of us who have experienced hurricanes and the threat of hurricanes our whole lives understand what the folks in the northeast are going through.

As expected, it appears that the problems associated with living in the path of these storms are being taken more seriously now that a larger population is having to endure the hardships of no power, no water, no services.

I don't care that it took a hit on New York City to gain recognition and, hopefully, promote helpful solutions for people dealing with these storms. Whatever it takes for companies and people to actually work on making life easier after a hurricane instead of just telling people they shouldn't build or live on the coast is fine by me.

Sunday, September 23, 2012

Everybody Has a Camera...Dammit

The above two pictures were taken on the same night of the same trip to New Orleans in March of this year (2012).  I recently used the picture on the left as my Facebook profile picture.  Everyone was being so sweet about the loveliness of it that I started to feel guilty. I felt it was sort of false advertising.  

I admit that I look pretty good for 57 (Oil of Olay), but I don't look as good as that picture on the left. Chins up, margaritas and fortunate lighting can create a lovely illusion.  I'm more a combination of the two pictures.  So, I created the combo picture above and posted that as my Facebook profile picture instead. 

I posted it to remind everyone that in these times when everyone has a camera at their fingertips and we're all constantly being photographed, we should enjoy every minute of a perfectly lighted, accidentally great photo, but we shouldn't be too hard on ourselves for the not so great ones.

We know you don't look like the bad ones and, I hate to tell you, we also know you don't always look like the glamorous ones either.  So, stop untagging and deleting the ones you don't like.  It's all part of who you are and if anyone decides to stop being your friend or not date you because of an unflattering Facebook picture, you're best rid of them anyway.

Thursday, August 09, 2012

"Anger Management"

I quit DVRing "Two and a Half Men" about halfway through the season without Charlie Sheen. On the other hand, I never miss Charlie Sheen's new show. Didn't see that coming.

Tuesday, August 07, 2012

It's not even eight o'clock, yet?

I've babysat my two grand-fabulous-children (ages 5 and 2) the past two days, just during the day, while Jamie had a church function and Cory had training. 

At approximately 7:15 this morning, the dog crapped on the floor. I saw him in the act and he wouldn't stop. I ran to the kitchen to get something to clean it up while hollering at Ava, "Where's Lucas? Keep him away from the hall!" She hollered back, "He's back here with me! He just spilled all my milk on the carpet in the sun room." 

I cleaned up the dog poop and ran to the sun room to clean up the milk the best I could so it wouldn't sour the rug and WOO WEEE (!!!), Lucas had a big stinky gift for grandma in his diaper.

All of this happened in about 10 minutes time. As I changed the stinky diaper, I looked at my watch and thought, "Good grief, it's not even 8 o'clock, yet."

I wasn't going to share this with anyone, because I didn't want Cory and Jamie to think I minded one single minute of watching the kids, but one of the first things Ava told Jamie when she walked through the door was, "Oakley pooped on the floor!"


Monday, July 02, 2012

Don't be afraid. Be happy.

I am completely, totally and obviously an optimist.  Pessimists and people who always look at the dark side of life drive me crazy.  I just want them to be happy...or just happier and it drives me nuts that I can't fix that.

This article (click here) suggests that pessimism is actually a result of fear rather than just plain old negativity.  That changes everything I ever thought about pessimists.  Don't worry, be happy now becomes don't be afraid, be happy.

Also, get over yourself.

Saturday, June 02, 2012

Aggravation Today...and One From Yesterday!

A woman in the parking lot at Sam's saw me waiting for her parking spot and proceeded to stand at the back of her SUV and FOLD the eight shirts she bought in Sam's (while her daughter walked her basket to the basket holding area) before pulling out of the parking space.  If you've ever parked at Sam's, you know that me leaving to find another good parking place was not an option.  Would a court have convicted me for running over her?  I don't think so.

People in Sam's would not move out of my damn way...including Sam's employees.  When I got aggravated at one point and went around a bunch of people who wouldn't move, a lady actually gave me a dirty look.  I got a dirty look because I didn't want to stand around with a bunch of morons who were dumbfounded about clearing a Sam's aisle traffic jam.  Whatever, rude lady.

After checking out at Sam's, I waited in line (6 people in front of me) to buy a Sam's hot dog (always delicious, by the way...hence my willingness to wait...$1.70 for drink and hot dog) and, when I finally got to the front of the line, I was told they were out of hot dogs.  It was lunch time and they were out of hot dogs.  Makes sense, right?

Since I couldn't get my hot dog, I drove to Kentucky Fried Chicken and was told that I get a drink with my meal.  I ordered lemonade and...guess what...they were out of lemonade.  Since I didn't want anything with caffeine due to my aggravation level being already off the charts, I would have told her to forget about giving me a drink, but I had the feeling that would have blown her mind.  So, she gave me water.

Yesterday afternoon at McDonald's, I ordered Chicken McNuggets.  They asked what sauce I wanted.  I said Sweet and Sour.  When I got to the window, the girl said,  "Sorry, we're out of Sweet and Sour.  I gave you ketchup."  She handed me my bag and returned to taking orders.  Uh.  Thanks?  How about one of the other six choices, lady?  Ketchup?

Also in the last two days, people running stop signs and not using blinkers are trying to kill me.  I'm convinced of it.

I'm not leaving my house again until I have to go to work Monday morning.  Maybe my bad mojo will be gone by then.

Tuesday, May 08, 2012

In Defense of Christina Aguilara

Three things I have to say in defense of Christina Aguilera’s bad behavior on The Voice last night:

       1.  Because she thinks everything is about her, Tony Lucca’s performance of a song which included the edited out word “bitch” offended her personally.  She no doubt felt it was directed at her, because everything is about her, and proceeded to prove her point by acting like a bitch the rest of the night.  Texting/tweeting during the judge’s comment portion after one of Tony’s performances?  Classy.

       2.  Sneaking through the audience before the show paying those people to shout “I love you, Christina” must be exhausting.

3.  Her stylist hates her.

Sunday, April 15, 2012

The Road Goes on Forever

WEIRDNESS - Friday night, my sister Terry texted me and asked who sang the song "The Road Goes on Forever."  It's a 1989 song from Robert Earl Keen.  I texted her back saying it was Robert Earl Keen.

Saturday night, as I was leaving my son Cory's house, I still had my radio on NPR from listening to "World Cafe" that afternoon and "THE ROAD GOES ON FOREVER" WAS PLAYING ON THE RADIO!

What are the odds that I would get in my car at that exact moment with my radio on that particular station?  I never hear this song on the radio...ever.  I don't think I have ever heard it on the radio, actually.  Plus, I wasn't listening to a Texas music station or anything like that.  It was KVLU, the local public radio station.

Does anybody else have a connection to this song or have an idea what this weird coincidence/moment of synchronicity might mean.  Spiritually, I do believe that "the road goes on forever" so maybe it's a message from our loved ones who have moved on that the road does indeed go on forever.

Thursday, April 05, 2012

I try to be patient with the old people who still write checks in the grocery store line, because I know when I'm that age and I'm still using my debit card, the young people behind me will be wondering why I'm not using a laser retina implant device to pay for my groceries like everyone else.

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

All You Need is bom bada bom...

Last night my mom and I went to a memorial service for my Aunt Gladys’ sister-in-law.  Although I only saw Aunt Dorothy a few times a year, she always had a big hug for everyone, a warm smile and something funny to say.  During the services, her adult granddaughter spoke and now I know why Aunt Dorothy was such a joy to be around.  Her granddaughter told a few funny stories and then told us she wanted us all to know the three lessons she learned from her grandmother.

Smile More

The granddaughter’s sister went to visit her grandmother and was complaining about this or that.  Her grandmother looked at her and sweetly said, “You’re always complaining about something.  You need to stop complaining so much and decide to enjoy life.  Smile more.  You have a beautiful smile.  You should smile more.”

Never Hate

Aunt Dorothy did not like the word “hate” and nobody was allowed to use it when they were around her.  If someone said, “I hate this pencil.”  She would say, “You do not hate that pencil.  You dislike that pencil.” 

Always Love

Her granddaughter once asked her, “How can you love everybody no matter what they’ve done?  No matter what awful things they’ve done or how they’ve treated people, you’re always kind to them.  How can you treat everyone so nice all the time?”

Aunt Dorothy looked at the baby her granddaughter was holding and told her, “You have to look at everyone as though they’re that baby you’re holding.  When we’re born, we’re pure love and innocence like that baby.  God created us full of love and things happen to people in their life, but that innocent baby is still inside that person.  You have to look for that innocence and see it in everyone you meet.  Look at everyone like God looks at them.”

Rest in Peace

Now, I know why I felt such peace when I would sit next to Aunt Dorothy and listen to her funny stories.  She saw God in me.  She saw God in everyone.  Rest in peace, Aunt Dorothy.  You deserve it.  I strongly dislike that you won’t be around anymore.

Sunday, March 18, 2012


I'm disturbed at how many of my "Draw Something" pictures start out looking like some variation of a penis.

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Magic Man?

I hate it when I've been standing waiting for an elevator and someone rushes up like they're so damn important and RE-pushes the elevator button and the damn elevator opens up like that person has some sort of magic powers. Screw you, elevator.

Friday, February 24, 2012

The Perfect Storm

Last night, I was stopped at a stop sign and two cars were traveling toward each other on the cross street in front of me.  They caught my eye, because they were both really zooming.  As they got closer, I noticed that one of them was a Domino's delivery dude and the other was a Papa John's delivery dude.  As they got even closer, I realized they were both turning onto my street and they were both determined to get onto my street first.

Luckily, Papa John's dude made it to the corner a wee bit faster than Domino's dude and all ended well.  I'm not disappointed that I didn't end up sandwiched between two pizza dudes, but I think it would have made for a really interesting accident report.

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Happy Mardi Gras! Live cams!!

Live cameras from Bourbon Street and Jackson Square!

From the Cat's Meow, we have several views and you can zoom.  Check below the large image for additional views. (Formerly known as the Bourbocam.)

Click here.

From Jackson Square, watch the party from the comfort of your couch.

Click here.

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Valentine's Day Quiz: What is neither a man nor a woman?

Our building laid out a lovely candy spread in the lobby this morning for Valentine's Day.  On the table, along with lots of candies of many sorts, was a pink paper with Valentine's Day "facts."  One of the facts was:

"73% of Valentine Day flowers are bought by men, whereas women buy only 23% of Valentine flowers."

Let's do the math

Lets assume for our calculations that the "flowers" are roses.  According to one website, 110 million roses will be bought for Valentine's Day.

73% + 23% = 96%

73% = men

23% = women

4% = ? (!)

4% of 110,000,000 roses = 440,000 roses

That gives us 36,666 dozen roses bought by people other than men and/or other than women.

Rounding up for flowers given on Valentine's Day which are not roses and rounding down for the showoffs who give more than one dozen roses to their amour, let's just say that 36,666 people who are neither men nor women are giving flowers to their significant other.

That seems like an awful lot of he/shes to me, even for The United States of America.  Does anyone have RuPaul's phone number, because I have some questions?

Saturday, February 11, 2012

Tommy Jordan Video Dad is an Ass

I'm glad this idiot and his daughter made up (according to this update). Almost all of my friends and family think this guy did the right thing. I think his daughter is the way she is, because he is the way he is.

Serve him coffee? Mess up the floor she just cleaned and not apologize or, god forbid, clean it up yourself? Why is she making the bed in the guest room? Who slept there that they can't make up their own damn bed? Ground her for THREE months? He's an ass.

Teach her a lesson about the value of things by destroying a computer?

Her mistake was putting in writing the things that teenagers have said to their friends throughout eternity. I'm sure she'll turn out just fine and she'll raise her kids in the same obnoxious, domineering way that this guy raised her.

Whatever works for them, I guess. It seems to have all worked out fine...until the next outburst...from both of them.

Sunday, February 05, 2012

Still Open for Business

In case anyone was wondering, this blog is still open for business.  It's just on hiatus for lack of dedication by its author.  Slacker.

Today's Ava-isms

In response to "how old are you?" to her Uncle Dan:  Wow!  That's a lot.

Telling a story about what we would do if she got hurt:  Y'all would be saying "Help me Jesus!  Help me Jesus" in her best Medea voice.

In response to meeting Nanny's friends:  Are they going to all get in my face?

At the fountain in Howell's:  "Wait.  What are you going to do?"

Driver's license:  Why do you have that mean look on your face.  Grandma has a funny looking picture in her wallet.  Show 'em grandma.