Sunday, August 29, 2010

Monday, August 23, 2010

The Real Reason I've Gained 10 Pounds in the Last Year


For some reason, I decided to look at my online banking statement for the past 12 months and sort it alphabetically. 

I expected to be disgusted with myself for the number of entries to, appalled to see the money I've spent at the Hallmark Gold Crown store near my house and surprised by the number of trips to Sam's Wholesale Club.  Imagine my amazement at seeing the absurd amount of entries for Kroger (groceries), Sonic, McDonald's, and various and sundry bars and restaurants throughout southeast Texas and southwest Louisiana.  Holy crap. 

I'm one person.  One.  Why does one person need so much food?  Granted, I've been known to pick up a few tabs here and there, especially if mom and my kids are with me, but damn.  I shudder to think how beautiful my IRA would look if I had put all that food money toward my retirement bottom line instead of toward my waistline. 

From this day forward, no more restaurants, no more bars, no more eating out.  I will buy only fresh produce, dairy and meat and will cook every meal. 

-  -  -  -  uh  -  -  -  -

Never mind.  Who needs to retire, anyway?

Monday, August 09, 2010

More Time With the Giga Aunts

Aunt Hazel, Aunt Gladys, Aunt Delores, my mom Ruby

About ten years ago my two sisters, sister-in-law and I took my mom and three of her sisters to New Orleans.  My brother said, "You each have one to look out Giga Pets."  Since then, we still refer to them as Giga Aunts when four or more of them (there are five sisters) are together.

Saturday, I went with mom and three of her Giga Sisters to Delta Downs casino.  As usual, it was an educational experience.

***  Aunt Gladys told us about being pulled over by a highway patrolman who walked up to her car and when he came to her window, he looked at her and smiled.  She asked why he was smiling and he said, "You're wearing the same perfume my grandmother used to wear."  He let her go with a warning.

***  She also told us that her grandson's first day of work "will be yesterday."  Interesting time concept there.

***  It's always fun when the oldest sister is around, because the other sisters still find out things they didn't know about their childhoods.  One topic of conversation was the origin of their names: 
  • My mom Ruby was named after the town prostitute.
  • Aunt Delores was named after Delores Del Rio, because when their mom was in labor the men were sent to the movies and when their dad got back from the movies he informed everyone that the new baby girl's name was going to be Delores.  Period.  No discussion.
  • Aunt Hazel was named after a boat grandpa saw one time.
  • Aunt Bernice was named Bernice because the mid-wife didn't know how to spell Eunice.
  • Everyone thought long and hard, but nobody knows where Aunt Gladys got her name.  Aunt Gladys is the youngest.  Maybe grandpa and grandma said, "I'm glad this is the last one."  Glad this.  Gladys.  Get it?  Never mind.
Nobody won any money, but spending time together made us all winners.

Thursday, August 05, 2010

According to Delta Downs, I am a senior citizen...

Exactly one month from today, I will qualify
for the "Senior Buffet" at Delta Downs
racetrack and casino.


Tuesday, August 03, 2010

Aunts and Uncles of Walmart

Sunday afternoon (after the roast beast and before the joy ride to Port Arthur) I introduced my aunts and uncle to the People of  My mom had received some of the Walmartians by e-mail and had shown the e-mail to them the night before.

I said, "You ain't seen nothin', yet.  There's a whole website full of those folks."

This particular set of relatives (Aunt Gladys - 63, Aunt Hazel - 65, Mom - 75,  Aunt Bernice - 77 and Uncle Henry - 80) are ultra-hip for their respective ages due to the fact that their children (my siblings and cousins) are uber-cool. 

We try to keep them up on the latest trends.  We give them e-mail accounts.  We get them addicted to Facebook.  For all their worldly pop-culture coolness, however, they weren't prepared for the glory that is the People of Walmart.

"Oh, my God!"

"What the hell?!"

"Doesn't she have a mirror?  Who let her leave the house like that?"

"His ass is sticking out.  His entire ass!"

"I'd like to pour spackle into his crack.  Idiot."  (That was Uncle Henry.)

"Can't she feel the breeze?  She has to feel the...she's not wearing underwear!  AAGGHHH!!!"

"Good lord!"

"Is that a man or a woman?"

"It's a woman.  Look at her boobs.  Are those boobs?  I don't know anymore.  I think they're boobs."

My uber-cool work for the day?  Done.

Monday, August 02, 2010

I've Lost a Beautiful Blogging Friend

A couple of years ago, I met Teresa Burns because she commented on a blog post I made.  We both live in the same town, but never made time to get together although we spoke of it through comments and e-mails often.  Shortly after Teresa started her blog in 2008, she found out she had ovarian cancer.

She wrote occasionally about her cancer battle, but not exclusively.  She had a life, after all, which included a beautiful daughter and a loving husband.  If you'd like to read her courageous blog posts, click here.

God bless you and your family, Teresa.  I know you will be missed.