Steven Wright

A Steven Wright quote I heard yesterday:

"I'm having an MRI tomorrow to find out if I'm claustrophobic."

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Son, I said, Son...

Inspired by a lively e-mail exchange this afternoon, I present you with Foghorn Leghorn quotes. (I fell asleep on the couch at 7:30 p.m. tonight and my brain is mush. This is the best post I can muster but I guarantee it will make you smile.)

• That boy is about as sharp as a bowlin' ball.
• Son, I said Son...
• I say!, I say!, The boy is bozerk!!
• Clunk enough people and we'll have a nation of lumpheads.
• Nice girl, but about as sharp as a sack of wet mice.
• That woman's as cold as a nudist on an iceberg.
• She reminds me of Paul Revere's ride - a little light in the belfry.
• Gal reminds me of the highway between Ft. Worth and Dallas - no curves.
• As bare as a cooch dancer's midriff.
• Hey boy, you cover about as much as a flapper's skirt in a high wind.
• That kid's about as sharp as a pound of wet liver.
• If the kid don't stop talkin' so much he'll get his tongue sunburned.
• Well, barbeque my hamhocks!
• That dog's as subtle as a hand grenade in a barrrel of oat meal.
• That boy's as strong as an ox, and just about as smart.
• Look sister, is any of this filtering through that little blue bonnet of yours?
• You're doing a lot of choppin', but no chips are flyin'.
• I've got this boy as figgity as a bubble dancer with a slow leak.
• You look like two miles of bad road.
• That boy's just like a tattoo...gets under your skin.
• I-I-I know what you're gonna say son. When two halves is gone there's nuthin' left - and you're right. It's a little ol' worm who wasn't there. Two nuthins is nuthin'. That's mathematics son. You can argue with me but you can't argue with figures. Two half nuthins is a whole nuthin'.
• Lookit here son, I say son, did ya see that hawk after those hens? He scared 'em! That Rhode Island Red turned white. Then blue. Rhode Island. Red, white, and blue. That's a joke, son. A flag waver.
• You're built too low. The fast ones go over your head. Ya got a hole in your glove. I keep pitchin' 'em and you keep missin' 'em. Ya gotta keep your eye on the ball. Eye. Ball. I almost had a gag, son. Joke, that is.
• Okay, I'll shut up. Some fellas have to keep their tongues flappin' but not me. I was brought up right. My pa used to tell me to shut up and I'd shut up. I wouldn't say nothin'. One time darn near starved to death. WOULDN'T TELL HIM I WAS HUNGRY!!
• Fortunately, I keep my feathers numbered for just such an emergency!
• Pay attention, boy! I'm cuttin' but you're not bleedin'!
• Mutts - ah say - mutts is nuts!
• I don't this kid's got all his marbles. Shakes his head when he means yes and nods when he means no.
• That boy's so dumb, he thinks a Mexican border pays rent!
• I don't need your love to keep me warm, Widow Hen. I have my BANDAGES to keep me warm!
• A sensitive mind won't stand being picked on.
• The dawg's busier than a centipede at a toe-counting contest.
• Hey Dawg! I've come to bury the hatchet! Ha, ha. Not in your pointed head, Boy. I've come to give a present.
• The snow's so deep, the farmers have to jack up the cows so they can milk 'em!
• OH that woman Gotta mouth like an outboard moter, All the time putputputputputput!
• That boy's as timid as a canary at a cat-show.
• I need, I say, I need a pointer, and that dog's got just the head for it. Pointed, that is.
• Go away, boy! Or I'll spank you where the feathers are thinnest.
• What'ya doin' with a pump, boy? Diggin' for oil? You're crazy, boy. There's no oil within 500 miles of here. Geology of the ground's all wrong. Even if there WAS oil you'd need a drill not a tire pump.
• Speakin' of figures. I put 2 and 2 together and come up with a 4-legged, smart alec mutt!
• I sais, now I said, pay attention boy!

Friday Night Standup - Several Weeks Late (I've Been a Bit Distracted)

• If you ever see me getting beaten by the police, put down the video camera and come help me.--Bobcat Goldthwait
• Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches.--Jim Carrey
• Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery. Don't eat pork. I'm sorry, what was that last one?? Don't eat pork. God has spoken. Is that the word of God or is that pigs trying to outsmart everybody?--Jon Stewart
• I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.--Elayne Boosler
• I'm half-Italian and half-Polish. So I'm always putting a hit out on myself.--Judy Tenuta
• Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?--John Mendoza
• Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp.--Bob Ettinger
• I don't know what's wrong with my television set. I was getting C-Span and the Home Shopping Network on the same station. I actually bought a congressman.--Bruce Baum
• I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be. But I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners.--Jeff Stilson
• Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.--Sue Murphy
• The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you.--Rita Mae Brown
• Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.--Jerry Seinfeld
• I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her.--Ellen DeGeneres
• USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.--David Letterman
• If God doesn't destroy Hollywood Boulevard, he owes Sodom and Gomorrah an apology.--Jay Leno
• A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. 'You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too.'--Jake Johansen
• I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.--Lily Tomlin
• The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. 'Come on, buddy, let's go. You get past me, the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off. I've got the toe clippers right here.' --Jerry Seinfeld
• Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fishburger and I realize, Oh my God....I could be eating a slow learner.--Lynda Montgomery
• Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography. --Paul Rodriguez
• And always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said, 'A truck!' --Emo Phillips
• My mother always told me I wouldn't amount to anything because I procrastinate. I said 'Just wait.' --Judy Tenuta

Sino...Synu...Cinno...Words that Mean the Same Thing

A synonym is a word you use when you can’t spell the word you first thought of.
Burt Bacharach

Some Nice Quotes

• I walked a mile with pleasure; she chatted all the way, but left me none the wiser for all she had to say. I walked a mile with sorrow and never a word said she but oh the lessons that I learned when sorrow walked with me. Author unknown
• The time to repair the roof is when the sun is shining. John F. Kennedy
• Pretend that every single person you meet has a sign around his or her neck that says, 'Make me feel important.' Mary Kay Ash
• Sometimes we stare so long at a door that is closing that we see too late the one that is open. Alexander Graham Bell

And one funny quote off of a t-shirt:

• I gave that man the thinnest years of my life.

Friday Night Standup (Two Days Late) - A. Whitney Brown

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.

That is the saving grace of humor, if you fail no one is laughing at you.

The past actually happened but history is only what someone wrote down.

I'm not an athiest. How can you not believe in something that doesn't exist? That's way too convoluted for me.

My Grandmother told me that there was a passage in the bible that says, "It is better to spill your seed in the belly of a whore, than to spill it on the ground." So, I tried both. And the bible's right! It's way better. That's one of the reasons they call it the good book.

Waterboarding -- that's what America does to its prisoners now. Dunking them in water until they confess. Of course, you have to remember -- we uncovered a lot of witches that way. So, credit where credit is due.

There are a billion people in China. It's not easy to be an individual in a crowd of more than a billion people. Think of it. More than a BILLION people. That means even if you're a one-in-a-million type of guy, there are still a thousand guys exactly like you.

Friday Night Quotes - Insomnia and Sleep

Several months ago, I hurt my shoulder and was on a pretty high dosage of steroids for about a week. One of the side effects I was dreading was insomnia. I love to sleep. I love naps. I can sleep late, take a nap and still be fast asleep by 10:00 p.m. if I like.

The problem is, I also like to stay up late. I love watching television all night or reading all night or being out and about all night or writing all night. I guess I'm a sleep schizophrenic. Since I've never suffered from insomnia, I didn't know what to expect from the Prednisone.

My dread soon turned to delight as I found I could get by on about four hours of sleep. Instead of barely being able to keep my eyes open at 10:30 p.m., I stayed up until 2:00 or 3:00 a.m. I loved having all that extra time added to the end of my day. Since the steroids also energized me, I didn't suffer from fatigue the next day.

Alas, my reign as Queen of the Night was shortlived and I'm back to needing about eight hours of sleep a night to really feel alert the next day. I miss the feeling of being awake and doing things while everyone else is asleep. It's like a sneaky little secret. So, tonight I have rounded up quotes about sleep and insomnia.

Sweet dreams.

If you can't sleep, then get up and do something instead of lying there worrying. It's the worry that gets you, not the lack of sleep. ~Dale Carnegie

No day is so bad it can't be fixed with a nap. ~Carrie Snow

People who say they sleep like a baby usually don't have one. ~Leo J. Burke

It's at night, when perhaps we should be dreaming, that the mind is most clear, that we are most able to hold all our life in the palm of our skull. I don't know if anyone has ever pointed out that great attraction of insomnia before, but it is so; the night seems to release a little more of our vast backward inheritance of instincts and feelings; as with the dawn, a little honey is allowed to ooze between the lips of the sandwich, a little of the stuff of dreams to drip into the waking mind. I wish I believed, as J. B. Priestley did, that consciousness continues after disembodiment or death, not forever, but for a long while. Three score years and ten is such a stingy ration of time, when there is so much time around. Perhaps that's why some of us are insomniacs; night is so precious that it would be pusillanimous to sleep all through it! A "bad night" is not always a bad thing. ~Brian W. Aldiss

Dawn: When men of reason go to bed. ~Ambrose Bierce

Life is something that happens when you can't get to sleep. ~Fran Lebowitz

It's a cruel season that makes you get ready for bed while it's light out. ~Calvin

Most people do not consider dawn to be an attractive experience - unless they are still up. ~Ellen Goodman

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps. ~Author Unknown

The bed is a bundle of paradoxes: we go to it with reluctance, yet we quit it with regret; we make up our minds every night to leave it early, but we make up our bodies every morning to keep it late. ~Charles Caleb Colton

There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast. ~Author Unknown



Insomnia is a gross feeder. It will nourish itself on any kind of thinking, including thinking about not thinking. ~Clifton Fadiman

Sleep is a symptom of caffeine deprivation. ~Author Unknown
A flock of sheep that leisurely pass by
One after one; the sound of rain, and bees
Murmuring; the fall of rivers, winds and seas,
Smooth fields, white sheets of water, and pure sky -I've thought of all by turns, and still I lie
Sleepless...~William Wordsworth, "To Sleep"
If a man had as many ideas during the day as he does when he has insomnia, he'd make a fortune. ~Griff Niblack
A ruffled mind makes a restless pillow. ~Charlotte Brontë
Nothing cures insomnia like the realization that it's time to get up. ~Author Unknown
The worst thing in the world is to try to sleep and not to. ~F. Scott Fitzgerald
O bed! O bed! delicious bed! That heaven upon earth to the weary head.~Thomas Hood, Miss Kilmansegg - Her Dream
Without enough sleep, we all become tall two-year-olds. ~JoJo Jensen, Dirt Farmer Wisdom, 2002
All men whilst they are awake are in one common world: but each of them, when he is asleep, is in a world of his own. ~Plutarch

Then, the cool kindliness of sheets, that soon
Smooth away trouble; and the rough male kiss
Of blankets....~Rupert Brooke, "The Great Lover,"

I'm not asleep... but that doesn't mean I'm awake. ~Author Unknown
When you have insomnia, you're never really asleep, and you're never really awake. ~From the movie Fight Club, based on the novel by Chuck Palahniuk
In its early stages, insomnia is almost an oasis in which those who have to think or suffer darkly take refuge. ~Colette
There are twelve hours in the day, and above fifty in the night. ~Marie de Rabutin-Chantal

Steven Wright Quote

I heard that in relativity theory, space and time are the same thing. Einstein discovered this when he kept showing up three miles late for his meetings.

Steven Wright

Theory of Stupid-ivity

Do you ever wonder how some people make it through life on a day to day basis? You know the people I’m talking about. Everything they do is backward or dangerous or just plain stupid. My dad's favorite quote:

God looks after small animals and dumbasses.

Friday Night Quotes and Moving Day

This weekend, we're moving my son and daughter-in-law to Houston. That might sound like work to you but in my family, it's just another opportunity to get together and create bedlam and mayhem. Hilarity will no doubt ensue. Someone will absolutely, positively, without fail, do something so stupid, so ridiculous, so unexpected that we'll be talking about it for years.

In honor of my dys-FUN-ctional family, tonight's quotes are about laughter.

• We cannot really love anybody with whom we never laugh.
  Agnes Repplier
• The more you find out about the world, the more opportunities there are to laugh at it.
  Bill Nye
• Laughter gives us distance. It allows us to step back from an event, deal with it and then move on.
  Bob Newhart
• Total absence of humor renders life impossible.
  Colette
• Laughter is by definition healthy.
  Doris Lessing
• The most wasted of all days is one without laughter.
  e e cummings
• If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you're old.
  Edgar Watson Howe
• Laugh at yourself first, before anyone else can.
  Elsa Maxwell
• You cannot be mad at somebody who makes you laugh - it's as simple as that.
  Jay Leno
• If we couldn't laugh, we would all go insane.
  Jimmy Buffett
• He deserves Paradise who makes his companions laugh.
  Koran
• One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you.
  Larry Gelbart
• Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.
  Lord Byron
• The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter.
  Mark Twain
• He who laughs, lasts.
  Mary Pettibone Poole
• You don't stop laughing because you grow old. You grow old because you stop laughing.
  Michael Pritchard
• Laughter is inner jogging.
  Norman Cousins
• I was irrevocably betrothed to laughter, the sound of which has always seemed to me to be the most civilised music in the world.
  Peter Ustinov
• You can't deny laughter; when it comes, it plops down in your favorite chair and stays as long as it wants.
  Stephen King "Hearts in Atlantis"
• Laughter is the closest distance between two people.
  Victor Borge
• Laughter is the sun that drives winter from the human face.
  Victor Hugo
• Among those whom I like or admire, I can find no common denominator, but among those whom I love, I can: all of them make me laugh.
  W. H. Auden

Saturday Night Quotes - P. J. O'Rourke

• A hat should be taken off when you greet a lady and left off for the rest of your life. Nothing looks more stupid than a hat.
• After all, what is your host's purpose in having a party? Surely not for you to enjoy yourself; if that were their sole purpose, they'd have simply sent champagne and women over to your place by taxi.
• Always read something that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.
• America wasn't founded so that we could all be better. America was founded so we could all be anything we damned well pleased.
• Anyway, no drug, not even alcohol, causes the fundamental ills of society. If we're looking for the source of our troubles, we shouldn't test people for drugs, we should test them for stupidity, ignorance, greed and love of power.
• Children from the age of five to ten should watch more television. Television depicts adults as rotten SOB's, given to fistfights, gunplay, and other mayhem. Kids who believe this about grownups aren't likely to argue about bedtime.
• Children must be considered in a divorce, considered valuable pawns in the nasty legal and financial contest that is about to ensue.
• Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely.
• Even a band of angels can turn ugly and start looting if enough angels are unemployed and hanging around the Pearly Gates convinced that all the succubi own all the liquor stores in Heaven.
• Even very young children need to be informed about dying. Explain the concept of death very carefully to your child. This will make threatening him with it much more effective.
• Every government is a parliament of whores. The trouble is, in a democracy, the whores are us.
• Family love is messy, clinging, and of an annoying and repetitive pattern, like bad wallpaper.
• Feeling good about government is like looking on the bright side of any catastrophe. When you quit looking on the bright side, the catastrophe is still there.
• Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.
• Gossip is what you say about the objects of flattery when they aren't present.
• Government proposes, bureaucracy disposes. And the bureaucracy must dispose of government proposals by dumping them on us.
• Humans are the only animals that have children on purpose with the exception of guppies, who like to eat theirs.
• I am a journalist and, under the modern journalist's code of Olympian objectivity (and total purity of motive), I am absolved of responsibility. We journalists don't have to step on roaches. All we have to do is turn on the kitchen light and watch the critters scurry.
• I like to think of my behavior in the sixties as a "learning experience." Then again, I like to think of anything stupid I've done as a "learning experience." It makes me feel less stupid.
• I suppose I should get a VCR, but the only thing I like about television is its ephemerality.
• If government were a product, selling it would be illegal.
• If you are young and you drink a great deal it will spoil your health, slow your mind, make you fat - in other words, turn you into an adult.
• If you say a modern celebrity is an adulterer, a pervert and a drug addict, all it means is that you've read his autobiography.
• Never be unfaithful to a lover, except with your wife.
• Never fight an inanimate object.
• Never wear anything that panics the cat.
• Social Security is a government program with a constituency made up of the old, the near old and those who hope or fear to grow old. After 215 years of trying, we have finally discovered a special interest that includes 100 percent of the population. Now we can vote ourselves rich.
• Staying married may have long-term benefits. You can elicit much more sympathy from friends over a bad marriage than you ever can from a good divorce.
• The Clinton administration launched an attack on people in Texas because those people were religious nuts with guns. Hell, this country was founded by religious nuts with guns. Who does Bill Clinton think stepped ashore on Plymouth Rock?
• The Democrats are the party that says government will make you smarter, taller, richer, and remove the crabgrass on your lawn. The Republicans are the party that says government doesn't work and then they get elected and prove it.
• The mystery of government is not how Washington works but how to make it stop.
• The proper behavior all through the holiday season is to be drunk. This drunkenness culminates on New Year's Eve, when you get so drunk you kiss the person you're married to.
• The weirder you're going to behave, the more normal you should look. It works in reverse, too. When I see a kid with three or four rings in his nose, I know there is absolutely nothing extraordinary about that person.
• There is only one basic human right, the right to do as you damn well please. And with it comes the only basic human duty, the duty to take the consequences.
• There's one more terrifying fact about old people: I'm going to be one soon.
• What use is it to endure the Dutch Rubs and Indian Rope Burns that are politics if you can't obtain mastery over people and give them noogies back?
• Whatever it is that the government does, sensible Americans would prefer that the government does it to somebody else. This is the idea behind foreign policy.
• When buying and selling are controlled by legislation, the first things to be bought and sold are legislators.
• You can't get rid of poverty by giving people money.

Sunday Morning Comics (Two Days Early) - Calvin and Hobbes

I still miss Calvin and Hobbes:

• I like maxims that don't encourage behavior modification.
• Reality continues to ruin my life.
• Weekends don't count unless you spend them doing something completely pointless.
• It's psychosomatic. You need a lobotomy. I'll get a saw.
• I understand my tests are popular reading in the teachers' lounge.
• Where do we keep all our chainsaws, Mom?
• That's the difference between me and the rest of the world! Happiness isn't good enough for me! I demand euphoria!
• As a math atheist, I should be excused from this.
• This one's tricky. You have to use imaginary numbers, like eleventeen ...
• I have a hammer! I can put things together! I can knock things apart! I can alter my environment at will and make an incredible din all the while! Ah, it's great to be male!
• "Do you believe in the devil? You know, a supreme evil being dedicated to the temptation, corruption, and destruction of man?" "I'm not sure that man needs the help."
• Calvin: I'm a genius, but I'm a misunderstood genius. Hobbes: What's misunderstood about you? Calvin: Nobody thinks I'm a genius.
• Calvin : You can't just turn on creativity like a faucet. You have to be in the right mood. Hobbes : What mood is that? Calvin : Last-minute panic.
• "I'm a simple man, Hobbes." "You?? Yesterday you wanted a nuclear powered car that could turn into a jet with laser-guided heat-seeking missiles!" "I'm a simple man with complex tastes."
• "See Any UFOs?" "Not yet." "Well, keep your eyes open, they're bound to land here sometime." "What will we do when they come?" "See if we can sell mom and dad into slavery for a star cruiser"
• "Bad news Dad. Your polls are way down." "My polls?" "You rate especialy low among tigers and six year old white males."
• "Mom's not feeling well. So I'm making her a get well card." "That's thoughtful of you." "See, on the front it says, 'Get Well Soon' ... and on the inside it says,'Because me bed isn't made, my clothes need to be put away and I'm hungry. Love Calvin.' Want to sign it?" "Sure, I'm hungry too"
• "MOM, CAN I SET FIRE TO MY BED MATTRESS?" "No, Calvin." "CAN I RIDE MY TRICYCLE ON THE ROOF?" "No, Calvin." "Then can I have a cookie?" "No, Calvin." "She's on to me."
• Hobbes : "Do you think there's a God? Calvin : "Well somebody's out to get me!"
• "Any monsters under my bed tonight?"
  "Nope." "No." "Uh-Uh."
  "Well there *better* not be, I'd hate to have to torch one with my flamethrower!"
  "You have a flamethrower?"
  "They lie. I lie."
• Hobbes : "It says here that by the age of 6, most children have seen a million muders on television." Calvin : "I find that very disturbing...it means I've been watching all the wrong channels."
• H : "What are you doing?" C : "Being cool." H : "You look more like you're bored." C : "The world bores you when you're cool."
• Calvin: Our top-secret club, G.R.O.S.S.-- Get Rid Of Slimy girlS! Susie: Slimy girls?! Calvin: I know that's redundant, but otherwise it doesn't spell anything.
• I'm looking for something that can deliver a 50-pound payload of snow on a small feminine target. Can you suggest something? Hello...?
• We are a fierce and dirty band of cut-throat pirates! Keep a sharp lookout matey, we dont want any sissy girls on our ship!" "We *dont* like girls???" "Of course not dummy, we're a murderous bunch of pirates, remember?" "Who do we smooch then?"
• "This meeting of the Get Rid Of Slimy Girls club will now come to order. First Tiger Hobbes will read the minutes of our last meeting."
  "Thank you. (9:30) Meeting called to order. Dictator For Life Calvin proposed resoultion condemning the existence of girls. (9:35) First Tiger Hobbes abstains from vote. Motion fails. (9:36) Patriotism of First Tiger called into question. (9:37) Philosophical discussion. (10:15) Bandages administered. Dictator For Life rebuked for biting."
  "Is this a great club or what?"
  "(10:16) Forgot what debate was about. Medals of bravery awarded to all parties."
• "I'm never gonna get married. Are you?" "Hmm...I suppose if the right person came along, I might. Someone with green eyes and a nice laugh, who I could call 'Pooty Pie'." "POOTY PIE?" "Or bitsy pookums." "I think that would affect my stomach a lot more than my heart." "Bitsy pookums I'd say. Yes snoogy woogy, she'd reply..."
• "Do you like being a girl?" "Its gotta be better than the alternative." "Whats it like? Is it like being a bug?" "Like a WHAT?" "I imagine bugs and girls have a dim perception that nature played a cruel trick on them, but they lack the intelligence to really comprehend the magnitude of it."

Friday Night Standup - Tina Fey

• Harvard Medical School study has determined that rectal thermometers are still the best way to tell a baby's temperature. Plus, it really teaches the baby who's boss.
• An interim government was set up in Afghanistan. It included two women, one of whom was Minister of Women's Affairs. Man, who'd she have to show here ankles to to get that job?
• At the request of the Catholic Church, a three-day sex orgy to be held near Rio de Janeiro was cancelled last Friday. So instead I spent the weekend cleaning my apartment.
• I like to crack the jokes now and again, but it's only because I struggle with math.
• If you want to make an audience laugh, you dress a man up like an old lady and push her down the stairs. If you want to make comedy writers laugh, you push an actual old lady down the stairs.
• In a study, scientists report that drinking beer can be good for the liver. I'm sorry, did I say "scientists"? I meant "Irish people."
• Most of the time you're too busy to think about it. But every now and then you say, 'I work at "Saturday Night Live," and that is so cool.
• President Bush gave a rousing speech to the United Nations General Assembly. Afterward, in a touching show of support, every foreign dignitary shook hands with the president and smiled warmly as he mispronounced their names.
• President Bush unveiled his new economic stimulus plan this week. It was reported that if the plan passes the president himself would save $44,000 in taxes, Dick Cheney would save $327,000, and you could afford to take the whole family down to Burger King to pick up job applications.
• Researches reported that they developed a "self-healing" plastic that repairs itself if cracked. The plastic will change the way airplanes are built and medicine is practiced. In a related story, Joan Rivers will never die.
• The New York Post quoted Senator Hillary Clinton saying that she would never run for President, declaring "That is not something I'm going to be doing. "Which in Clinton talk means "I will be President in three years."

Friday Night Standup (Sort Of): Dan Quayle Quotes

• If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure.
• Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child.
• Welcome to President Bush, Mrs. Bush, and my fellow astronauts.
• Mars is essentially in the same orbit . . . Mars is somewhat the same distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe.
• What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is.
• The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century.
• I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy - but that could change.
• One word sums up probably the responsibility of any vice president, and that one word is to be prepared.
• Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things.
• I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future.
• The future will be better tomorrow.
• We're going to have the best-educated American people in the world.
• People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and have a tremendous impact on history.
• I stand by all the misstatements that I've made.
• We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a part of Europe.
• I am not part of the problem. I am a Republican.
• I love California, I practically grew up in Phoenix.
• A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.
• When I have been asked during these last weeks who caused the riots and the killing in L.A., my answer has been direct and simple: Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame.
• Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having it.
• We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur.
• For NASA, space is still a high priority.
• Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children.
• It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.
• [It's] time for the human race to enter the solar system.

Friday Night Standup - Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey

• Once while walking through the mall a guy came up to me and said "Hey, hows it going?". So I grabbed his arm and twisted it up behind his head and said "Now whose asking the questions?"
• When I was in the 3rd grade, a bully in school started beating me up every day. At first I didn't say anything, but then I told dad. He got a real scared look on his face and asked if the bully had a big dad. I said I didn't know. But he still seemed scared. And just a few days later we moved to a new town. Dad told me that if anyone picked on me, not to fight back. Unless I knew the kid didn't have a dad or the dad was real small. Otherwise just curl up in a ball.
• One thing vampire children are taught is, never run with a wooden stake.
• If you want to be the most popular person in your class, whenever the professor pauses in his lecture, just let out a big snort and say "How do you figger that!" real loud. Then lean back and sort of smirk.
• If you work on a lobster boat, sneaking up behind people and pinching them is probably a joke that gets old real fast.
• I think college administrators should encourage students to urinate on walls and bushes, because then when students from another college come sniffing around, they'll know this is someone else's territory.
• Sometimes life seems like a dream, especially when I look down and see that I forgot to put on my pants.
• Marta was watching the football game with me when she said, "You know, most of these sports are based on the idea of one group protecting its territory from invasion by another group." "Yeah," I said, trying not to laugh. Girls are funny.
• I think my new thing will be to try to be a real happy guy. I'll just walk around being real happy until some jerk says something stupid to me.
• Of all the imaginary friends I've had, I don't think there was one that I didn't end up having to kill.
• If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, forget em', cause, man, they're gone.
• When Gary told me he had found Jesus, I thought, Yahoo! We're rich! But it turned out to be something different.
• Probably the saddest thing you'll ever see is a mosquito sucking on a mummy. Forget it, little friend.
• Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he's carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he's carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet. And also, you're drunk.
• To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a hand?" you can say, "Sorry, got these sacks."
• The memories of my family outings are still a source of strength to me. I remember we'd all pile into the car - I forget what kind it was - and drive and drive. I'm not sure where we'd go, but I think there were some trees there. The smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever sport we played. I remember a bigger, older guy we called "Dad." We'd eat some stuff, or not, and then I think we went home. I guess some things never leave you.
• If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."
• One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said, "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.
• If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's real embarrassing if someone tries to kill you.
• If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and your friends are all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were swimming.
• When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us. It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear.
• If they ever come up with a swashbuckling school, I think one of the courses should be laughing, then jumping off something.
• When you're riding in a time machine way far into the future, don't stick your elbow out the window, or it'll turn into a fossil.
• I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then, when somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go, "What was THAT?!"
• Ambition is like a frog sitting on a Venus Flytrap. The flytrap can bite and bite, but it won't bother the frog because it only has little tiny plant teeth. But some other stuff could happen and it could be like ambition.
• When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges.
• We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me.
• I wish outer space guys would conquer the Earth and make people their pets, because I'd like to have one of those little beds with my name on it.
• If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one of those small pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think how stupid war is, and while they are thinking, you can throw a real grenade at them.
• I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.
  
  

Saturday Night Standup

From Big Wacko:

• I was a bank teller. That was a great job. I was bringing home $450,000 a week.--Joel Lindley
• I went to the 30th reunion of my preschool. I didn't want to go, because I've put on like a hundred pounds.--Wendy Liebman
• My favorite animal is steak.--Fran Lebowitz
• I know what men want. Men want to be really, really close to someone who will leave them alone.--Elayne Boosler
• I wanted to make it really special on Valentine's day, so I tied my boyfriend up. And for three solid hours I watched whatever I wanted on TV.--Tracy Smith
• I'll tell you how to beat the gambling in Las Vegas. When you get off the airplane, walk right into the propeller.--Henny Youngman
• If God had wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates.--Jay Leno
• I guess I just prefer to see the dark side of things. The glass is always half empty. And cracked. And I just cut my lip on it. And chipped a tooth. --Janeane Garofalo
• I took my parents back to the airport today. They leave tomorrow.--Margaret Smith
• I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck. But my lawyer thinks he can get me five.--Steven Wright
• Women now have choices. They can be married, not married, have a job, not have a job, be married with children, unmarried with children. Men have the same choice we've always had: work, or prison.--Tim Allen
• The 1960s were when hallucinogenic drugs were really, really big. And I don't think it's a coincidence that we had the shows then like The Flying Nun.--Ellen DeGeneres
• In the beginning there was nothing. God said, "Let there be light!" And there was light. There was still nothing, but you could see it a whole lot better.--Ellen DeGeneres
• A man on a date wonders if he'll get lucky. The woman knows.--Monica Piper
• Yesterday I was walking down the street wearing my eyeglasses and all of a sudden my prescription ran out.--Steven Wright
• I'm not a good lover, but at least I'm fast.-- Drew Carey
• Life is anything that dies when you stomp on it.-- Dave Barry
• Before I met my husband I'd never fallen in love, though I've stepped in it a few times.-- Rita Rudner
• I'm sitting on top of the world, and I've got hemorrhoids.-- Rodney Dangerfield
• Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery. Don't eat pork. I'm sorry, what was that last one? Don't eat pork? Is that the word of God, or is that pigs trying to outsmart everybody?-- Jon Stewart

Friday Night Standup - Yakov Smirnoff

• Homosexuality in Russia is a crime and the punishment is seven years in prison, locked up with the other men. There is a three year waiting list.
• In America you can always find a party. In Russia the party always finds you.
• In Russia we only had two TV channels. Channel One was propaganda. Channel Two consisted of a KGB officer telling you: Turn back at once to Channel One.
• In Russia, if a male athlete loses he becomes a female athelete.
• Many people are surprised to hear that we have comedians in Russia, but they are there. They are dead, but they are there.

Yakov Smirnoff website

Friday Night Standup (Saturday Morning Version) - Love and Marriage

• I'm a terrible lover. I've actually given a woman an anti-climax.-- Scott Roeben
• I'm still going on bad dates when by now I should be in a bad marriage.-- Laura Kightlinger
• My classmates would copulate with anything that moved but I never saw any reason to limit myself.-- Emo Philips
• You can't put a price tag on love but you can on all its accessories.-- Melanie Clark
• To attract men I wear a special perfume. It's called New Car Interior.-- Rita Rudner
• If men could get pregnant, abortion would be a sacrament.-- Florynce Kennedy
• A guy knows he's in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days.-- Tim Allen
• I've been on so many blind dates I should get a free dog.-- Wendy Liebman
• The big difference between sex for money & sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less.-- Brendan Francis
• I can't remember the last time we made love. She says, "Well I can - and that's why we're not."-- Rodney Dangerfield (& wife)
• Male sexual response is far brisker & more automatic. It is triggered easily by things like putting a quarter in a vending machine.-- Dr. Alex Comfort
• Studies have found a number of mechanical devices increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL convertible.-- P.J. O'Rourke
• Politics is the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.-- Ronald Reagan
• Shopping is better than sex because if you're not satisfied after shopping, you can exchange it for something you really like.-- Adrienne Gusoff
• When a man and woman are trying to have sex, he will often climax before she is ready. Sometimes before she is, technically, in the room.-- Dave Barry
• The pleasure is momentary, the position ridiculous and the expense damnable. (His Lordship commenting on sex)-- Lord Chesterfield
• I date this girl for two years and then the nagging starts:"I wanna know your name !"-- Mike Binder
• I'm a Double Bagger. My husband puts a bag over my face to make love. Then he puts one on his in case mine falls off.-- Joan Rivers
• If the authorities warn you of the dangers sex, there is an important lesson to be learned: Do not have sex with the authorities.-- Matt Groening
• My wife is a sex object. Every time I ask for sex, she objects.-- Les Dawson
• There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination, you can overcome that.-- Lewis Grizzard
• Sex is like art. Most of it is pretty bad, and the good stuff is out of your price range.-- Scott Roeben
• I'd like to meet the person who invented sex. First of all, just to say "THANKS !!!" But more importantly, to see what they're working on now.-- George Carlin

Friday Night Standup (Saturday Version) - Johnny Carson

• Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place.
• For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off.
• Happiness is your dentist telling you it won't hurt and then having him catch his hand in the drill.
• I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the day he killed himself.
• I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing.
• If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.
• If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam.
• New York is an exciting town where something is happening all the time, most unsolved.
• When turkeys mate they think of swans.

Friday Night Standup: Mitch Hedberg (Part One)

*Pic* Mitch Hedberg

• I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
• I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.
• The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
• I got an ant farm. Them fellas didn't grow shit.
• I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
• Last week I helped my friend stay put. It's a lot easier than helping someone move. I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load shit into a truck.
• I got my hair highlighted, because I felt some strands were more important than others.
• I had a stick of Carefree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.
• I want to be a race car passenger: just a guy who bugs the driver. "Say man, can I turn on the radio? You should slow down. Why do we gotta keep going in circles? Can I put my feet out the window? Boy, you really like Tide."
• I got in an argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent. That's a bad place for an argument, because I tried to walk out, and had to slam the flap.
• I type a 101 words a minute. But it's in my own language.
• I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. It's not the photographer's fault. Bigfoot is blurry. And that's extra scary to me, because there's a large, out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside. Run. He's fuzzy. Get outta here.
• My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She made it half way. She's an actress, she just never gets called to the set.
• I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it