Sunday Morning Comics (Two Days Early) - Calvin and Hobbes

I still miss Calvin and Hobbes:

• I like maxims that don't encourage behavior modification.
• Reality continues to ruin my life.
• Weekends don't count unless you spend them doing something completely pointless.
• It's psychosomatic. You need a lobotomy. I'll get a saw.
• I understand my tests are popular reading in the teachers' lounge.
• Where do we keep all our chainsaws, Mom?
• That's the difference between me and the rest of the world! Happiness isn't good enough for me! I demand euphoria!
• As a math atheist, I should be excused from this.
• This one's tricky. You have to use imaginary numbers, like eleventeen ...
• I have a hammer! I can put things together! I can knock things apart! I can alter my environment at will and make an incredible din all the while! Ah, it's great to be male!
• "Do you believe in the devil? You know, a supreme evil being dedicated to the temptation, corruption, and destruction of man?" "I'm not sure that man needs the help."
• Calvin: I'm a genius, but I'm a misunderstood genius. Hobbes: What's misunderstood about you? Calvin: Nobody thinks I'm a genius.
• Calvin : You can't just turn on creativity like a faucet. You have to be in the right mood. Hobbes : What mood is that? Calvin : Last-minute panic.
• "I'm a simple man, Hobbes." "You?? Yesterday you wanted a nuclear powered car that could turn into a jet with laser-guided heat-seeking missiles!" "I'm a simple man with complex tastes."
• "See Any UFOs?" "Not yet." "Well, keep your eyes open, they're bound to land here sometime." "What will we do when they come?" "See if we can sell mom and dad into slavery for a star cruiser"
• "Bad news Dad. Your polls are way down." "My polls?" "You rate especialy low among tigers and six year old white males."
• "Mom's not feeling well. So I'm making her a get well card." "That's thoughtful of you." "See, on the front it says, 'Get Well Soon' ... and on the inside it says,'Because me bed isn't made, my clothes need to be put away and I'm hungry. Love Calvin.' Want to sign it?" "Sure, I'm hungry too"
• "MOM, CAN I SET FIRE TO MY BED MATTRESS?" "No, Calvin." "CAN I RIDE MY TRICYCLE ON THE ROOF?" "No, Calvin." "Then can I have a cookie?" "No, Calvin." "She's on to me."
• Hobbes : "Do you think there's a God? Calvin : "Well somebody's out to get me!"
• "Any monsters under my bed tonight?"
  "Nope." "No." "Uh-Uh."
  "Well there *better* not be, I'd hate to have to torch one with my flamethrower!"
  "You have a flamethrower?"
  "They lie. I lie."
• Hobbes : "It says here that by the age of 6, most children have seen a million muders on television." Calvin : "I find that very disturbing...it means I've been watching all the wrong channels."
• H : "What are you doing?" C : "Being cool." H : "You look more like you're bored." C : "The world bores you when you're cool."
• Calvin: Our top-secret club, G.R.O.S.S.-- Get Rid Of Slimy girlS! Susie: Slimy girls?! Calvin: I know that's redundant, but otherwise it doesn't spell anything.
• I'm looking for something that can deliver a 50-pound payload of snow on a small feminine target. Can you suggest something? Hello...?
• We are a fierce and dirty band of cut-throat pirates! Keep a sharp lookout matey, we dont want any sissy girls on our ship!" "We *dont* like girls???" "Of course not dummy, we're a murderous bunch of pirates, remember?" "Who do we smooch then?"
• "This meeting of the Get Rid Of Slimy Girls club will now come to order. First Tiger Hobbes will read the minutes of our last meeting."
  "Thank you. (9:30) Meeting called to order. Dictator For Life Calvin proposed resoultion condemning the existence of girls. (9:35) First Tiger Hobbes abstains from vote. Motion fails. (9:36) Patriotism of First Tiger called into question. (9:37) Philosophical discussion. (10:15) Bandages administered. Dictator For Life rebuked for biting."
  "Is this a great club or what?"
  "(10:16) Forgot what debate was about. Medals of bravery awarded to all parties."
• "I'm never gonna get married. Are you?" "Hmm...I suppose if the right person came along, I might. Someone with green eyes and a nice laugh, who I could call 'Pooty Pie'." "POOTY PIE?" "Or bitsy pookums." "I think that would affect my stomach a lot more than my heart." "Bitsy pookums I'd say. Yes snoogy woogy, she'd reply..."
• "Do you like being a girl?" "Its gotta be better than the alternative." "Whats it like? Is it like being a bug?" "Like a WHAT?" "I imagine bugs and girls have a dim perception that nature played a cruel trick on them, but they lack the intelligence to really comprehend the magnitude of it."