No means no

A word of advice to all wait staff and, in particular, to the nice waitress who waited on us at Chili's today: Obviously, your manager told you to push the margaritas.  Perhaps, he actually did tell you that he would buy you a steak dinner if you sold enough margaritas. 

Even though we politely refused several times, you kept offering them anyway. Please keep in mind that you might be standing at the table of a person or persons in recovery or who possibly cannot drink alcohol.

That wasn't the case at our table, but you need to keep this in mind. When people say, "No, thank you," drop it. 

No means no.

.

Aaagggh...my thumb!

Tonight I had dinner with an old friend at a new restaurant.  This was my second time at Major League Grill and I can officially recommend it.  The food is a bit pricey, but not unreasonably so considering that all of the entrees and appetizers my friends and I have ordered have been truly fantastic.

We had a few drinks (64 beers on tap Saturday, 36 beers on tap tonight...not sure what that was all about...and 100 beers bottled...or something).  I had a margarita and a bananananana colada which were both terrific.

My friend had a beer called a Delirium Tremens which according to some guy who came up to our table is the "Best Beer in the World."  I said, "How do you know that?"  He said, "It was written on the box."  I told him that anybody can write anything on a box and he went away.  Nevertheless, it was one helluva beer (8.5% alcohol content and amazingly tasty), so this discovery required a trip to Spec's.

At Spec's a/k/a The Most Funnest Liquor Store in the World, the Delirium Tremens shelf was of course empty, being the "Best Beer in the World" and all, so my friend special ordered some.  I'm going to be keeping my eye on that shelf. 

I also saw a container of $500 a bottle tequila, tequila in a gun bottle, tequila in a rifle bottle and a bottle of Crystal Head Vodka which I had totally forgotten has something to do with Dan Aykroyd.

What does all this have to do with my thumb?  When I got home, I was very excited to find that my 3D glasses had come in.  Yes.  I actually ordered and paid for 3D glasses.  I'm tired of searching my entire house for the 3D glasses that I know are here somewhere, but I can never find during Super Bowls and MTV Movie awards and things like that, when they suddenly spring 3D events on me and I don't have the appropriate eyewear.

As I was opening the box of my 3D glasses treasures with my box cutter, I cut the sh*t out of my thumb.  Luckily, a margarita, bananananananan colada and part of a Delirum Tremens beer has dulled the pain and I seem to have stopped the bleeding.

Tomorrow is another day, Scarlet.  I'll worry about that thumb tomorrow.

Something I Stumbled Upon

Candy Corn Shooters

While we're on the subject of Halloween...

Ingredients
Oranje Van Gogh Vodka
Banana Liqueur
Coconut Rum
Orange Curacao
Cream
Grenadine
Whipped Cream

Preparation
Combine Combine Oranje Van Gogh Vodka and Banana Liqueur into a mixer with ice. Shake and pour into the bottom of the shot glass.

Combine Coconut Rum, Orange Curacao, Cream, and dash of Grenadine (for color). Shake in shaker with ice and gently layer on top using a spoon.

Top with whipped cream.

Or an easier recipe...
1 part Licor 43® liqueur
1 part Orange Curacao liqueur
1 part cream

Carefully layer on top of each other to resemble the halloween candy. First the Licor 43, then the Orange Curacao, then finally the cream.

Where I'll be Halloween night...

My new favorite beer

Introduced to me by the man who bought the very first beer

that I ever finished three whole years ago.

I've been drinking beer for three years? Time sure flies when you're drinking beer.

Things you think you learned while you were drinking, but didn't

I was out with friends the other night when the subject came up about limits on the number of marriages a person can have in Texas. I had never heard of such a thing and argued that there was no way in hell that the government of any state would or could dictate how many times a person can get married.

I was outnumbered. Several people thought the number of allowed marriages was between four and five marriages per person. As expected, I Googled it.

There are no limits on the number of marriages a person can have in any state. Here is the official Wiki Answer:

In the US, no state has a limit on the number of times you can get married, other than...you can only be married to one person at a time.

Lent is o-v-e-r, OVER

For Lent, I gave up margaritas, eating out for lunch and shopping.

Today I went to Amazon.com and bought:






Then, I e-mailed my friend Judy and made lunch plans for Wednesday.

Then, I went to Best Buy at lunch today and bought:





Then, I met Jack and Poodles and Nanny Ron for margaritas after work and made more plans for lunch Tuesday.

Ah, tequila. Nectar of the gods.

More pictures from the Thomas Jefferson March 2009 Monthly Alumni Gathering

About six months ago a girl from my high school started a MySpace type website for everyone who ever graduated from Thomas Jefferson in Port Arthur. At some point, somebody suggested everybody get together from time to time. I said, "Why not?" and the Monthly Alumni Gatherings were born. We had a great time this month and here's the proof as seen through the camera lens of the fabulous Nadia.

EDITED TO ADD:
Click here for another fabulous slideshow from Julie Devillier.

What the cool people do until closing time after everybody else goes home...

It started with a blank piece of paper and an ink pen left behind by the waiter...

Then, the doodling began. Are you left handed or right handed? Is it a pig or a horse in the hole in the yard? So many questions...


Then, Bonnie tried to spell Led Zeppelin. We tried Zepelin, Zeppellin, Zepelin. Then Cammie wrote Eagles, then I wrote Rush, then...

...then...no duplications allowed, by the way, and there's no such thing as Graham Funk Railroad.

The cool people: Kenneth, Lori, Laurie, Arthur,Bonnie,Cammie.

Tomorrow, pictures of more cool people.

And you thought I couldn't do it

A week or so ago, I did this post and there were doubters (Steve) who thought I wouldn't be able to conquer such an intensive schedule of events. With the exception of "The Rat Pack" which Mary Beth and I never got around to and Mardi Gras and the February alumni gathering which haven't happened, yet, I rocked them all.

All of Dick's bands (Badfaith, Longneck Road, Madison Monroe) were terrific, as usual. Ray Wylie Hubbard was great in the newly remodeled Courville's. Check out the Courville's schedule for upcoming shows.

As fantastic as all of that was, the highlight of my week was the discovery of the band I saw tonight. Evidently, they've been around a couple of years, but I had never seen them before. The band is called Simple Logic and the lead singer is the best I've ever seen locally and I've seen lots and lots and lots of incredible local talent in my day.

His covers of Maroon 5, John Mayer, Jason Mraz, Eric Clapton, Train, Dishwalla, Matchbox 20 and so many others that I can't even remember were perfection. Then, as if all that weren't enough, to top it all off, he did Marvin Gaye's "Let's Get It On."

Upcoming: Kinky Friedman at Courville's and Simple Logic opening for Billy Bob Thornton's band at Whiskey River. I'll keep you posted.

Also: Thank you, Beaumont, for being non-smoking. Four bars in four nights would not have been nearly as enjoyable drenched in smoke.

Bar/Club/Cafe recommendation: You should check out the Logon Cafe. Good food, nice people, interesting beer and wine selection. Ever had a Hoegardden beer or a Tercos Malbec wine? You can get both at the Logon and I highly recommend the turkey melt.

The Kind of Post That Makes George B. Jealous (not George Bush)

Saturday, February 7 - Aunt Hazel 65th Birthday Party!

Sunday, February 8 - Benefit for my cousins (see post below)

Tuesday, February 10 - "The Rat Pack" @ Julie Rogers Theater

Wednesday, February 11 - Badfaith (*) @ The West Bar & Grill

Thursday, February 12 - Ray Wylie Hubbard @ Courville's

Friday, February 13 - Southern Embers and Longneck Road @ Logon Cafe (*)

Saturday, February 14, Simple Logic with Madison Monroe @ Logon Cafe (*)

February 20, 21 and 22 - Mardi Gras Port Arthur (*)

Tuesday, February 24 - Mardi Gras @ The Star Bar on Crockett Street

Saturday, February 28 - Monthly TJ Alumni Gathering @ The Star Bar on Crockett Street

(*) My friend Dick is in all these bands.

Giant Squid Kisses and Octopus Hugs

This past Saturday night was our monthly all-alumni high school gathering which I began insisting people attend about three months ago and which has become a rousing success. If you're fortunate enough to have friends you've known for over 30 years (and in some cases, your whole life), you know that the standards for acceptable behavior are very low when you're all together, especially if alcohol is involved.

Saturday I was standing around minding my own business, when I was waved over to a group of people to have my picture taken. Looking back, I remember them having unusually big grins on their faces, but I just thought they were really, really happy to have me join them in a picture. Did I mention I was drinking?

When I got to the group, they said, "Stand by, Jay." I stood by Jay, posed for the picture with my lovliest smile and Jay kissed me on the cheek. I started to walk away and he said, "Let's take another one. You're supposed to kiss me." The request for a second picture should have tipped me off to a possible setup, especially since the grins of the people behind the photographer (*) were growing even larger, but it didn't. Did I mention I was drinking? I did?


I posed once again with my lovliest smile and was kissed again my Jay...with an overwhelming amount of tongue and wetness. Everybody laughed their asses off. It was, as I had not suspected, a setup. I did mention I had been drinking, right?

I did my best to keep my lovely smile on my face and not freak out like Lucy when Snoopy would kiss her. For hours after the smooch sneak attack, I visualized Jay's tongue as something akin to the giant squid I had recently seen on the National Geographic Channel.

I walked back over to my friend, Brent, and said, "I just got French kissed by Jay. It was very wet. They took a picture. Now, I'm going to have to pay Luke for that picture. I need to wipe my face. They took a picture. There's a picture."

"Don't worry," Brent said. "The picture will only cost you about two bucks."

"Yeah." I said.

"Of course, the negative is probably going to cost about fifty."

(*) The photographer is our classmate Luke who takes pictures at clubs and sells them back to us. Clever bastard.

Monthly All Alumni Gathering

Missile Toe

Johnny Elton's wife, Johnny Elton, me, Kenneth, my sister Terry, Christel, my sister Bonnie and Cammie

Me, Terry, Johnny Elton and Bonnie (Johnny is a neighborhood friend who we've known since we were kids. He was so proud of the fact that he danced with all three "Ransonette girls" that he had to have a picture. It was also his birthday. Happy Birthday, Johnny!!)

We had our third Thomas Jefferson Port Arthur all alumni gathering last night at the Star Bar on Crockett Street and it was a huge success. We had well over a hundred alumni and guests there and everybody had a great time.

The Star Bar has recently reopened after being shut down for several months and it looks terrific. There's a "VIP room" with couches and a television and a private bar, a ping pong table, another bar and lots of other groovy stuff.

Best of all, my prayers to the party gods have been answered and the Star Bar hosts karaoke on Saturday nights. They're the only place I know of in all of our little corner of southeast Texas that hosts karaoke on a weekend night.







We had dinner at Pancho Villa's Mexican Kitchen which used to be Rio Rita's. The food was delicious except that Kenneth had issues with the color of his cheese or something. The margaritas were strong, but weren't as good as others I've had. I hope they expand their margarita menu. I miss my Grande Supremas.

Click here for a slideshow which includes a video. The video is dark, but it's my sister Terry and our friend Kenneth singing Mustang Sally.

Sloth Guy

When I was working the door at a local bar a few weeks ago, a couple of young guys came in. One was normal and the other one was not only weird, but totally f*cked up.

The normal one said, “Do you want to see his ID?”

“Yeah,” I said, “In fact, I want to see your ID, too.”

I checked normal guy’s probably-fake ID and turned to weird guy. Weird guy was standing there with his eyes half closed and doing something weird and snake-ish with his tongue. He would slowly open his mouth and run his tongue along the back of his front teeth, then close his mouth again. Normal guy told weird guy, “She wants to see your ID.”

Weird guy said, “Okay, just a minute.”

I looked at normal guy, normal guy looked at me, then we both looked back at weird guy.

Eventually, weird guy slowly pulled out his ID, all the while doing that weird thing with his tongue. Of course, the ID was from Georgia and I couldn’t find the birth date on it, which really didn’t matter because it was no doubt fake and I’m not the police nor the bar owner, so I really didn’t see much point in making a big deal about it since the bar obviously didn’t have anybody capable of ejecting anyone anyway.

If I was this bar's first line of defense, they obviously didn’t give much of a sh*t about little technicalities like underage drinking or letting f*cked up people into the bar anyway. I found out later that, supposedly, I had also let someone into the bar who was carrying a gun. I guess I was supposed to bring along my own personal metal detector, too.

Next order of business for my two odd little patrons was to collect the $5 cover charge from them. I gave back weird sloth guy's ID and said, “$5.” Normal guy paid me his cover charge, then we both looked back at weird guy who said, “Okay, just a minute.”

Normal guy and I both stared at weird snake tongue guy until he slowly took out $5 and handed it to me, still doing the tongue thing. Finally, off they went to enjoy the lovely music and frosty cold adult beverages.

Several hours later, normal guy came back up to me and said, “Have you seen my friend?”

I said, “That guy who kept doing that thing with his tongue?!”

He said, “Uh. I don’t know. Yeah…I guess.”

(How could he have possibly not noticed the tongue thing?)

I said, “Sorry, haven’t seen him.”

Normal guy said, “Well, I’m trying to find him so I can bring him home.”

“Good plan,” says I.

Weird guy eventually came in from outside through a door that is normally used only by employees. When he came back in, he was smoking a cigarette. Somebody told him he couldn’t smoke inside, he did the snake-tongue thing, said “Okay, just a minute,” and his friend led him outside and, hopefully, directly to rehab.

Top Ten Things to Keep in Mind if Your Friend Asks You to Work the Door at a Bar

1. If someone, probably underage, OFFERS you their ID, it’s probably fake.

2. Most probably-fake IDs offered by probably-underage persons are from out of state and it will take you forever to locate the birth date on the ID, which doesn’t matter anyway since it’s probably not that person’s ID.

3. Drunk men shouldn't mess with the wives of the members of the band.

4. The amount of conversation from patrons paying their cover charge is directly proportional to the amount of cleavage you have showing.

5. Don’t make eye contact with “Earl.”

6. “The Management” will tell you to watch for smokers (no smoking allowed in Beaumont bars), don’t let people leave with alcohol and be sure to check IDs and mark the hands of people who are too young to drink.

7. Tell “The Management” you are not a bouncer. You are working the door because “The Bar” requires “The Band” to provide the person to take the money and because you enjoy chatting and messing with people when they come in. You are not an employee of “The Bar” and, if they want somebody to police the clientele, they should hire a bouncer.

8. The guy that shows up after midnight selling “tamales” gets in free.

9. When your girlfriends notice a commotion and see people leaving in a hurry and decide to follow the crowd outside, all you can do is look at the guys (who were smart enough to NOT go outside) and say, “They’re gonna get shot.” The guys will look back at you, shrug and say, “Prob-ab-ly.”

10. There will be one asshole who is too cheap to pay the $5 cover and will tell you, “We’re running the sound.” No, you aren’t douchebag. I’m working the door. You think I don’t know the sound guy? He probably thinks he already spends enough money on booze, so he shouldn’t have to pay the $5 cover. What the prick-head doesn’t realize is that the cover charge goes to the band, not the bar. You aren’t clever, cheap-ass. You’re a douche.

Crockett Street Rumor

Several of the venues on Crockett Street here in Beaumont are closing for 60 days and will re-open under new management or with a new lease agreement or with a new tenant/tenants or something. Those of us on the outside will never know the real reasons and I don't really care about the real reasons.

(Note to new management: Start booking decent bands at Antone's again, have a jazz happy hour EVERY DAY at the TEN martini/cigar bar and open up an after-hours diner, a brew pub and a karaoke bar and your nightlife people will be happy. If you manage it right, they will come.)

The Smoking Ban

One thing we are certain about is that the closings are not because of the smoking ban which Beaumont enacted last year. Some naysayers from the surrounding towns are enjoying saying "Ah-ha! I told you this would happen." However, according to the Beaumont Enterprise, restaurants and bars in Beaumont have not been hurt by the ban and most continue to prosper and profits have increased since the smoking ban. The bars that did go out of business "because of the smoking ban" probably didn't do enough to accomodate their smokers with lovely outside smoking facilities.

A note to those nasty negative folks from Beaumont's outlying areas who proudly say, "We never go out in Beaumont anymore since the smoking ban. Serves you right that all your bars and restaurants are closing!" Beaumont doesn't miss you and guess what. If I might join you for a moment in your insane generalizations, we folks here in Beaumont don't go to your towns anymore either where we have to sit in stinky smoke filled restaurants and bars.

The Rumor

I'm trying to start the rumor that Landry's has bought the entire Crockett Street complex (ala Kemah), but it's not catching on. Work with me people.

An Opening Line that Does Work

In a previous post, I gave you a couple of examples of what occasionally goes through my mind on a typical night out with my friends, when we don't have any men with us. In the comments on that post, I mentioned one of the strangest things a guy ever said to me. He walked up to me at an AC/DC tribute band show, sort of hovered over me for a bit then said, "You look like a lawyer." Uh. Thanks?

Now, I'll give you an example of an opener that made a table full of women smile. It was Thanksgiving weekend about five years ago. A guy walked up to our table of five women, looked at us and said, "I'm not here to pick anybody up, I don't want to sleep with anybody, I've been divorced two weeks and I just want to dance."

Of course, the fact that he was hilarious and a great dancer did help his cause and he became a good friend (until he found someone he DID want to sleep with). Are you guys out there shaking your heads saying honesty doesn't work? Try it and get back to me. I'll wait.

Scientists Use Pig Bladder to Regrow Man's Fingertip

On the news the other night, I saw an amazing story about doctors who used a powder made from pig bladders to regrow a guy's fingertip. It regrew his fingertip...fingernail and all...IN FOUR WEEKS. What the hell?

He joked and said that,while the rest of his body is 68 years old, his fingertip is 2 years old. Even though I'm a bit concerned about a possible future shortage of pork if this thing catches on, I have hopes that one day, some pig bladder wielding doctor will sand down my face, sprinkle magic pig bladder dust all over it and I'll have soft, peachy baby's behind skin staring back at me from my triple magnified lighted makeup mirror.

I guess I can sacrifice some of my BLTs and pulled pork BBQ sandwiches in the name of science. I wonder if John Wayne Bobbitt is already standing outside a clinic somewhere begging for a brand spanking new pig bladder induced penis.

Since you stopped by, here's an extra little treat for you. Pop over to this site for the recipe for a Pork Martini.

After an entire lifetime of being a non-beer drinker...

...I've found another beer I like.