Friday, December 30, 2011

Second New Years Resolution

Drivers who cut in front of me even though there was nobody behind me and they could have waited 1.3 seconds to pull out after I passed and who then drive 10 m.p.h. slower than me shall be dealt with swiftly and with "extreme prejudice."  Patent pending.

Thursday, December 29, 2011

First New Years Resolution

I resolve to mow down anyone attempting to enter an elevator before I have successfully exited said elevator.


Sunday, December 25, 2011

My Christmas Story Theme

As I sat and watched my son and daughter-in-law play Santa this Christmas Eve with "A Christmas Story" playing in the background,  I remembered that the first time I saw "A Christmas Story," my son Cory was four years old which is the same age that his daughter is now.  That was 27 years ago.  How the hell did that happen?

Saturday, December 24, 2011

House on Skull Mountain

Back in the '70s growing up in Port Arthur, Texas, there was a movie theater that had about five screens and all movies cost $1 to see.  The screens weren't much bigger than today's home television sets with the largest being about one third the size of a normal movie theater screen.

Right now, I'm sitting on my couch in my very own living room watching the fabulously awful 1974 "House on Skull Mountain."  I'm watching it on a television set not much smaller than the smallest screen at the Golden Tri Cinema.  Weird.  These are exactly the kinds of movies we used to see there:  lots of Burt Reynolds, Bruce Lee and B-horror movies.

They also ran some mainstream movies there about a month after they left the real theaters.  There were always technical problems, bad film stock issues (the copies shown at the Golden Tri had already been viewed hundreds and hundreds of times by the time they made it there) and out of sync or non-existent sound.  Of course, with no cable television or VCRs back then, it was the only way to see a movie, if you didn't want to (or couldn't afford to) pay full price.

Hey, look!  It's Lionel Jefferson!


Friday, December 23, 2011

MTV is 30 years old? When did that happen?

While conversing with friends on Facebook, it came to my attention that MTV is 30 years old this year.  I remember hearing about that, but I don't remember freaking out about it like I am right now.

It occurs to me that teenagers today might be thinking the music of 1981 is as ancient as we thought the music of 1941 was when we were teenagers.

Are they looking at Rod Stewart, Bananarama and Pat Benatar the same way we looked at Bing Crosby, The Andrews Sisters and Judy Garland?

Thursday, December 22, 2011

December 21, 2011

We're one year away from Mayan-Hold-Onto-Your-Asses Day.  So, to paraphrase Prince, "Party like it's one more year until Mayan-Hold-Onto-Your-Asses Day."

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Heaven Looks Like Lafayette?

Last night, I dreamed about my dad who passed away in 2009.  It wasn't one of those dreams where it feels like a visitation.  It was just a crazy dream.  However, my mouse did stop working when I began to type this post, so who knows?

I was in the kitchen of a house I had never been in before when Tim Romero (an old classmate who wasn't even a very close friend of mine, so I don't know why he was in the dream) came in and said, "Hey, Laurie.  Your dad is in the living room."

I said, "That's weird!  I didn't think I'd be able to talk to him again so soon!"

Dad came into the kitchen and he had a small black mustache.  I asked, "Dad, what are you doing here?"

"I got tired of working all those double shifts," he said. "So, I'm living in Lafayette and have another family."

"Hmmmm," I said.  "Does mom know?"

"Sure, she knows.  She was in on it," dad said.

So, I guess heaven looks a lot like Lafayette?  With another family?  Good luck with that, dad, because I'm sure they won't be nearly as fun as we were.  Tell them your first oldest daughter says, "Hey."

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

My Little Mouth of Horrors

I went to the dentist this morning because a filling was falling out and was feeling fragile. (Alliteration. Impressed?) The dentist got all up in my grill. (Actually, it was a back tooth, so I suppose you'd say he got all up in my left rear panel.)

The good news is that the awful numbing is finally wearing off. The bad news is that the awful numbing is wearing off. The tooth itself doesn't hurt, but I feel like I have too many teeth in my mouth and my jawbone joints on both sides are painin' me.

Sunday, December 18, 2011

Party Like They're Still Here...Because They Are

This Christmas, I want you all to party and celebrate and lose your little minds as though everyone you've ever lost is still here.

Dance and sing like dad is still playing DJ on the old stereo and smile like he's still in your face with that damn video camera.

Picture yourself having a highball with Grandma Ransonette, some chicken and dumplings with Granny and dancing a Cajun waltz with Grandpa Courville.  Have a third piece of pie in honor of Grandpa Ransonette and Uncle Wayne.

Chase the kids around the room like Uncle Marty, treat yourself to a beer with Alan and Ray and try to learn to speak Bulgarian like Melissa.

Party like they're all still here, like they're all still watching you, like they're all still enjoying the festivities, because they are.  I promise you, they are.

Merry Christmas Week, everyone!

Saturday, December 17, 2011

It Could Be Worse

Sometimes I look around and think it's amazing there aren't more crimes considering how many criminals there are and that there aren't more car accidents considering how many dumbass, distracted and just plain bad drivers there are, not to mention the sheer volume of automobiles on the road.

When something bad happens we tend to think, "If they had only been fives seconds earlier..." or "If they had only been five seconds later..."  The same principle applies to good things, but we usually don't know how close we were to disaster.

We should be thankful every day for crimes that don't happen, for accidents that don't occur and for good timing that we don't even realize we've experienced.

In Ava's Brain

During bath time when I was babysitting my 4 year old grand-fabulous-daughter Ava the other night, she started squeezing all the water out of her baby brother Lucas's bath toys.  She said, "I need to do this to get all the cow-dew out of them."

"Cow-dew?"  I asked.

"Yeah,"  she said.  "Cow-dew.  Look!  See that black stuff!  Cow-Dew!"

"Oh.  That's mildew."  I said.

"Yeah," Ava said.  "Mildew."

*  *  *

Tonight when I was babysitting Ava, she was telling me about rehearsing for her Christmas program.  

"The teacher kept asking us to be quiet and we tried to be quiet, but sometimes we kept talking," she told me.

"You know you have to listen when the teacher says to be quiet, right?"  I asked.

"Yes,"  she said.  "One time the teacher came and sat by us on the pubes so we would be quiet."

Since she goes to a Methodist preschool, I'm going to assume she meant pews instead of pubes and leave it at that.

*  *  *

Sunday, December 11, 2011

3 Things About Death and Taxes

I have nothing to say about taxes, but here are three indisputable facts about death that I've been pondering lately:

1.  Every animal, fish and person that was alive 150 years ago is dead.  All of them.  Every single one of them is gone, except for maybe a couple of koi fish, bowhead whales or giant tortoises.  150 years.  That's really not that long ago.  That's 1861.  Every animal, fish and person that was alive at the beginning of the civil war is gone.  Dunno.  Sayonara.

2.  There are two options when it comes to death.  We either die or we live long enough to see everyone else bite the bullet along the way.  Neither of these are pleasant options, but they are what they are.  Period.  That's life, or the lack thereof, in its most basic terms.

3.  I can't remember what number three was, but it was equally profound.

Wednesday, December 07, 2011

Not Guilty

This morning, I used the very last drop of my Gucci Guilty free sample.  Santa, if you've got an extra $70 could you hook me up?

Tuesday, December 06, 2011

Valley of My Couch

What a wonderfully awful movie.  Not a bad way to spend a Tuesday night.