Sunday, December 31, 2006

Happy Birthday, Janice (a/k/a Poodles)!

Monday is Janice's birthday so Janice, Bonnie, Amy and I went to Frankie's for wonderful Italian food and a couple of bottles of wine. From there, we went to the TEN lounge on Crockett Street for Pama-tini's and Sugar Baby martinis.

The martinis eventually led to a round of drunk phone calls and you should all be glad you aren't in my cell phone directory. For those of you who are in my cell phone directory, I think I completed one call successfully and promptly handed him off to Janice. The rest of you have a missed call from me so...uh...Happy New Year!

Saturday, December 30, 2006

Good Grief

For the second time in one week, I just put both of my contact lenses in the same eye. What the hell?

Happy Birthday, Phil, Texas Style!

Last night was the surprise birthday party of my sister Terry's husband's brother Phil. His girlfriend Trish told him they were going to the birthday party of someone else and we all showed up at his favorite bar. Phil has lived in Kountze for a long time now and has developed a deep and abiding love for a little bar called Laverne's and I know why. Everyone cooked a bunch of food (chicken wings, sandwiches, red beans and rice, two cakes) and it was all delicious.

Here's our little group: Front row: Elda, Phil, Susan; Middle row: Terry, Christi, Trish, Laurie; Back row: Dan, Jimmy.

Notice my bottle of Tanqueray Sterling vodka on the table. Any bar that lets me bring my own bottle is a friend of mine.

Did I mention that Phil has a piglet? Someone shot the mother while hunting and distributed the piglets to interested parties. That's her up there in the little pink dress. The plan is to fatten her up and eat her, little pink dress notwithstanding. Any bar that lets livestock roam freely is a friend of mine.

Did I mention it was raining? It wasn't just raining, it was pouring. Sheets and sheets and sheets of rain on an unpaved and muddy parking lot. Any bar that doesn't mind that you're tracking mud in all over the place if a friend of mine.

Did I mention that the lights went out about twenty minutes after we got there? Phil went to WalMart and bought candles. One of the men pulled his pickup truck to the front door and shined his lights in so we could have a little light on the food tables. One of the guys stood his flashlight on the floor aimed at the disco ball for a more festive affect.

For weirdness, the song on the jukebox that was playing when the lights went out was Credence Clearwater Revival "Put a Candle in the Window." I swear I'm not making that up. When the music came back on, I SWEAR TO YOU, the second lyric we heard was " long as I can see the light." It was beyond surreal.

To add to the surreality of the night, the lights were out for about an hour and a half and, when they came back on, the television began televising news coverage of the execution of Saddam Hussein which occurred an hour or so later.

At about 10:30 p.m., Jimmy decided it would be a good idea to go to a club "...about five miles north of my house" which had live music but, because of Hardin County liquor laws closed at midnight. So, we drug our soggy asses outside, sloshed across the parking lot and headed toward Silsbee.

We got there at about 11:00 p.m. and exited the car in more driving rain in another unpaved parking lot. The band playing was Chris Johnson and Cheap Whiskey and they made me remembered why I used to listen to country music.

Oh, and the Neches Club also let me bring in my own bottle so they're my friend, too.

Soon, it was time to go, and, in more driving rain, Dan got us safely home.

I love a good adventure and this night was full of them. I do love Texas.

(More pictures here.)

Friday, December 29, 2006

Farewell, Year Old Friend

Goodbye, my faithful Daily Show With Jon Stewart America (The Calendar) 2006. You have been on my desk a whole year and watched me endure varied and sundry varieties of bullcrap, crappity crap and even, occasionally, some good crap.
Some days you made me laugh, some days you made me think and some days you did both. Mostly, though, you made me think of that gorgeous, smart, funny, scrumptious Jon Stewart every single day.

I’m going to miss you, but it’s a new year. It’s time for you to step aside and let The Far Side take watch over me for 2007. Hasta la vista, baby.

(Please tell me I’m not the only person who gets sentimental every December while unceremoniously throwing my trusty desk calendar into the trash can.)

Note to God

Dear God,

A nice little thunderstorm from 3 to 5 a.m.-ish is a wonderful thing. You should do that more often, especially at the beach. Thanks.



(Pic Googled from here.)

Thursday, December 28, 2006

The Facts of Life...and Death

Christmas Eve night, as usually happens, my parents and aunts and uncles migrated to my mom's living room, the rest of the men and teenagers gravitated to the game room and the rest of us found ourselves in the den sort of watching A Christmas Story but mostly just bullshitting about this and that.

For reasons I can't remember, we started talking about the unpredictability of life, or more precisely, the unpredictability of death. It was just your normal Ransonette/Courville festive holiday conversation.

We talked about how people shouldn't be afraid to live their lives the way they want and that people shouldn't be hesitant to take great leaps of faith when the moment strikes them because a person could...

"...walk out the door and get hit by a bus!"

"...drop dead while they're sleeping!"

"...fall into a hole!"

Then, I said, "Or, I could walk over to the fireplace right now and pick up that fireplace poker right there and smack Cindy across the back of her head."

At first, there was silence.

Then, people got into the spirit of the conversation.

"That's true!"

"Yeah, just like that, Cindy would be deader than a post. Dead"

"Just like that. BAM!"

"When the cops get here, because the parents would no doubt call the police," I said, "You guys would just say, 'Oh, she's dead alright, but, it's okay ossifer, Laurie was just trying to make a point about the unpredictability of life, or more precisely, the unpredictability of death.'"

I really shouldn't drink vodka.

Wednesday, December 27, 2006


Last night, the whole damn family went to Tokyo for some sushi and teppanyaki grilled food and fun. (More pictures here.) If you haven't been to the new Tokyo, yet, you must go. The place is just gorgeous. It's also just as crowded (if not more so) as the location out by the mall. The new Tokyo Japanese Steakhouse and Sushi Bar is located on the Interstate 10 access road across the highway from Sam's near Acapulco Mexican Grill and Cantina and Outback Steakhouse. Quite the international stretch of highway we have there.

By the way, guess who can suddenly use chopsticks. That's her up there in the front with her sisters and brother. I have this weird kind of brain that, if I just leave it alone, it will usually work things out on its own. My whole life, I have been unable to coordinate chopsticks no matter how hard I tried. Last night, out of the blue, I was actually eating rice and PICKING UP TEPPANYAKI ONIONS with chopsticks.

Now, if you'll excuse me, my brain and I need to have a little conversation about piano playing and novel writing.

Tuesday, December 26, 2006

Dirty Money

About a week ago, I opened my wallet and discovered I had somehow accumulated about twenty one-dollar bills. My wallet was so fat I couldn't close it. It was like, one day I had a couple of twenties and the next day I had a wallet full of ones.

The scary part is, I don't know where all the ones came from. Could I possibly have a multiple personality disorder thing going on and I'm actually Laurie (me), LuLu (the stripper) and Lennie (the serial killer)?

Speaking of strippers, do the one dollar bills they accumulate go directly back into commerce? When I opened my wallet at Jack in the Box this morning, I wondered, "Suppose I am LuLu the Stripper and these ones were in my g-string last night. Now, I'm paying for my breakfast with nasty g-string money which will be put into the cash register and given as change to the soccer mom in the SUV right behind me."

I would like to make the following proposal. When people go into a strip club, they should be required to exchange their one dollar bills for Stripper Money. At the end of the night, the strippers would exchange their Stripper Money (which is all sweaty, and...well, you know) for real, relatively non-nasty, money.

Now, that I've figured out what should be done with LuLu's stripper money, I need to work on Lennie's problem of misplacing all of Laurie's good butcher knives.

Monday, December 25, 2006

Merry Christmas Day!

Merry Christmas again! I put some new pictures on Flickr. You can click here to see them. I'm off to Houston for the rest of the holiday and probably won't post again until Wednesday night.
Laurie, Cory and Jamie

Friday, December 22, 2006


I'm not sure when I'll be posting or when you'll be reading so Merry Christmas everybody!

Thursday, December 21, 2006

The Way We Were

"Your girl is lovely, Hubbell."

Damn, I love that movie.

Man Shoots Seven-Legged Hermaphrodite Deer

My friend Carly sent me this article last week because she knows I like weird animal stories. At the time she sent it to me, there were no pictures out on the internet. Since that time, photos of the actual deer have been posted.

None of the pictures, however, do justice to what I had pictured in my head...

Wednesday, December 20, 2006

In Laurie's Brain - Rhonda the Redneck Nail Tech

This is for Jen's comment on my previous post. I wrote her a little ditty I like to call...

Rhonda the Redneck Nail Tech

You know Shelli and Sheila

and Cindy and Ellen

Linda and Lisa

and Mitzi and Helen.

But do you recall

The most famous nail tech of all?

Rhonda the redneck nail tech

Had a nasty Texas drawl.

And if you ever heard it

It would make your skin just crawl.

All of the other nail techs

Used to sneer and mock her voice.

They only let poor Rhonda

Do the nails of ugly boys.

Then the richest man in town

Said to her one day,

"Rhonda with your shirt so tight

Won't you do my nails tonight?"

Then all the nail techs loved her.

But she told them "Kiss mah ass."

Rhonda the redneck nail tech

Married into oil and gas.

By Laurie Anderson

In Laurie's Brain - My Christmas Carols

Deck the Halls (and Slap Oates Around a Little, Too)
Seals and Crofts

Gabba, Gabba, Ho, Ho, Ho
The Ramones

Jingle Do-You-Wanna-See-My Balls (‘Cause I’ll Show Them to You)
Jim Morrison

I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Clause
The love child of Jerry Garcia and his favorite Deadhead

Grandpa Looks Like He Got Run Over by a Reindeer
The grandchildren of Keith Richards

Little Drummer Boys – A Tribute
Duet by Led Zeppelin and The Who

The IRS is Coming to Town
Willie Nelson

Silencer Night
Tony Soprano with background vocals by Big Pussy

Jingle Bell Rock Lobster

Twelve Wives of Christmas
Rod Stewart

Feliz Navidad and Leave Me Alone, I Have a Green Card
Legal Aliens

Joy to the World (Well, Not the WHOLE World)
Donald Rumsfield

White (Sands) Christmas
Jimmy Buffett

Blue (Water) Christmas
Jimmy Buffett

O, Come On Marianne Faithfull!
Mick Jagger

Frosty, The Duff Beer
Homer Simpson

Rhonda the Redneck Nail Tech
Kellie Pickler

Please Come Home for Christmas
New Orleans to Everyone

By Laurie Anderson

Tuesday, December 19, 2006


As I was eating a Lindt Lindor Truffle a while ago, I read the back of the bag and it said one serving is three pieces.

So, I ate two more pieces.

Don't want to piss off the chocolate gods.

Monday, December 18, 2006


I just got back from seeing Foreigner at a Christmas party. Yeah, I'm just that cool. It was fantastic and I'm deaf as a post because we stood right by the stage in front of what I thought was a monitor but turned out to be a speaker. What? Did you say something?
Here is Jack's more better post about the concert.

My First Crush

That's Peter Noone of Herman's Hermits. I even still remember his whole name: Peter Blair Dennis Bernard Noone and he had the most beautiful blue eyes. He was my first crush and also my first rock and roll album purchase. Next came 45's (children, ask your parents) of the Beatles, Rolling Stones and the Supremes. The rest is music trivia history in my poor overcrowded brain.

Hey, I was only 9. If I had any snap at that point, I would have fallen in love with Bob Dylan's words. I repeat...I was only 9.

Sunday, December 17, 2006

What High School Clique Would You Hang Out With?

Swiped from my niece's MySpace. You have to adjust if you're not in school anymore but if you cast your memory back a little(or a lot), it should work. It sure nailed me.

You scored as Geek/Nerd. Haha! ok. go computer geeks!





Emo Kid
















What Highschool Clique Do You Belong To?
created with

Saturday, December 16, 2006

Get Thee Behind Me, Santa...I mean, Satan

I woke up early this morning because I fell asleep on the couch last night while trying to watch March of the Penguins. Evidently, reading foreign subtitles aren't the only thing that puts me to sleep no matter how good the movie is. Morgan Freeman's soothing voice rocked me to sleep like a tiny little baby under my warm feather comforter.

I was supposed to be killing time before meeting my sister out at Crockett Street to join her and some of her work buddies for their Christmas Festivus but Morgan Freeman fucked that up. Since I fell asleep so early, I also woke up early. I tried to stay in bed but that didn't work so I got up around 7:00 a.m and began wandering around the house instead of doing something constructive.

I did a little of this and I did a little of that before sitting at my computer to read some blogs, answer e-mails, play some solitaire, work a Sunday New York Times crossword and just, generally, screw around. That all went to hell when a loud BANGGGGGGGGGGGG shook my whole house at around 8:30 a.m.

"Holy, shit," I thought. "What the hell was that?"

It was too early to call my family to see if they heard anything so I went outside to see if there were any other neighbors outside checking out the scene. ("Checking out the scene" is "groovy talk" to you young folks.) Nobody was outside, so, I could only assume something blew up or fell down inside my townhouse. I cautiously walked back inside.

I went out to the garage and checked the hot water heater and opened my garage door. I checked out the roof, both front and back. No Santa. I was really hoping for Santa.

I came back in the house and opened all my closets expecting, no hoping, to find a fallen shelf because my big fear was that my new air conditioner had blown up in my attic. All of my closets were fine and, after turning on my air conditioner then my heater, that seemed to be fine, too.

So, here I am, three hours later. I still haven't done anything constructive but, my house hasn't burnt down or anything so I consider that a damn good morning.

I watch a lot of movies and television shows about hauntings and when they drive the evil spirits out, sometimes a loud bang is heard. Maybe, when I said my morning prayers today, I finally drove Satan out of here. Now that would be a productive morning.

Friday, December 15, 2006

The Fruitcake Lady

My friend Elizabeth sent this to me. I hadn't thought about The Fruitcake Lady in a long time. She recently passed away.

From Wikipedia article:

Marie Rudisill died in Hudson, Florida on November 3, 2006, at the age of 95, just before the publication date of her latest book, Ask the Fruitcake Lady: Everything You Would Already Know If You Had Any Sense, on November 7. The November 8, 2006 broadcast of the Tonight Show included a tribute composed of highlights from her segments on the show, including one in which she cooked with (and was hugged and kissed on the cheek by) Tom Cruise.

Thursday, December 14, 2006

Synchronicity and Serendipity

I sometimes confuse serendipity with synchronicity and vice versa. According to a search of a few of the online dictionaries, these words are defined thusly:

Serendipity – Good luck in making fortunate discoveries by accident
Synchronicity – Coincidence of events that seem to be meaningfully related

Some could go on and on debating Carl Jung and his theories on the underlying order of the universe. Not that anyone would be surprised, but I, of course, completely believe in an underlying order of the universe.

Here is an experiment in synchronicity I want you to try, with or without smoking pot. (Sure, I smoked pot in the 70’s but I definitely didn’t NOT inhale.) Turn on a television program, preferably cartoons, and put on some music in the background. I guarantee you will be amazed at the synchronicity between the audio and the video.

How does this prove synchronicity, you ask? It doesn’t.
What does this have to do with serendipity, you wonder? Nothing.
Has Laurie gone completely off her nut, you worry? To quote The Magic 8 Ball, "Signs point to, yes."

Wednesday, December 13, 2006

You're SO Weird!

I've been tagged by Grimm to give you six weird things about me. I had a little trouble at first until I put myself in my sisters’ heads and thought about all the times they have said to me, “You’re weird.” Once I did that, it was easy and I couldn’t stop at six.

1. I can talk like Donald Duck.

“You’re weird!”

2. I can cross one eye at a time.

“You’re weird!”

3. I hate to wear shoes when I’m indoors.

“You’re weird!”

4. I rarely, how shall I put this, pass gas (either direction). I can count on one hand the amount of times I’ve burped out loud. This might not be a big deal in your family, but, in mine, it’s a constant source of amazement.

“You’re weird!”

5. My house and my office always look neat but every cabinet, drawer and closet is a mess.

“You’re weird!”

6. No matter how long I'm gone on vacation, I read all of the newspapers I missed when I get home.

“You’re weird!”

7. I'm a little bit psychic but have no control over it whatsoever. However, it makes me eerily good at Trivial Pursuit.

“You’re weird!”

8. Reading or laying on the couch at less than a 45 degree angle puts me straight to sleep. Ergo, I have to watch foreign sub-titled movies in increments. I tried to watch Seven Samurai last night and fell so deeply asleep that I woke up three hours later. It took me three sittings to finish Cyrano.

“You’re weird!”

9. I sleep so soundly that I have literally slept through a train wreck less than half a block from my house.

“You’re weird!”

10. I’ve seen a ghost. I moved two weeks later.

“You’re weird!”

11. I used to be able to name all of the previous top ten contestants on each season of American Idol. This season, however, the little man who lives in my brain decided “enough is enough” and erased that memory bank.

“You’re weird!”

12. If I don’t wash my face before I go to bed, it bugs me…a lot.

“You’re weird!”

13. I’m an annoyingly cautious driver.

“You’re weird!”

14. I was anorexic in high school. This was, and still is, a big deal in my “healthy” eating Cajun family.

“You’re weird!”

15. I have a really high tolerance for pain. (I think it has something to do with lots of broken bones, sprains, bad shoulders, two kidney stones, countless gall bladder attacks and a partridge in a pear tree.)

“You’re weird!”

16. I’m a pretty good country western dancer but I am also very clumsy and a total klutz (see sprains and broken bones above).

“You’re weird!”

17. I used to think I was afraid of heights and roller coasters and anything that goes fast but I’ve decided instead that I’m afraid of falling off of heights and roller coasters and anything that goes fast.

“You’re weird!”

18. For some reason, I think stair rails are the most germy things in the world.

“You’re weird!”

19. If I consume too much Aspartame (NutraSweet) I have BIG problems with my memory.

“You’re weird!”

20. I think cockroaches, especially the flying ones, are the vilest thing on earth. I hate them worse than spiders, snakes, rats and yes, even frogs.

“You’re weird!”

21. I have a horrible voice but I love to sing but only when I’m alone.

“You’re weird!”

22. Although I’m a big hard rock/punk/new wave fan, I love Barry Manilow, The Carpenters and Bread.

“You’re weird!”

23. Although I can drink more than the average woman my size without being drunk, on occasion, I have had to be driven home and put to bed after only two or three drinks. This even happened in New Orleans once.

“You’re weird!”

24. My feet and/or my fingers tap when music is playing, even television commercials and background music in movies. I usually don’t even know I’m doing it. I absolutely cannot listen to Cajun music without my feet going crazy.

“You’re weird!”

25. Sometimes I talk in my sleep. Actually, it’s more like crying and screaming. For some reason, people find this disturbing.

“You’re weird!”

26. I can’t believe I came up with 25 of these!

“You are SO weird!”

I'm supposed to tag six other people but I prefer to let you choose. If you do the six weird things, leave us a note in the comments with a link to your blog or just leave us your six (or more) weird things about you in the comments.

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

Fig This

I’ve been listening to the five XM Radio Christmas stations (contemporary, traditional, country, classical and crazy) for a couple of weeks now and I’ve come to the conclusion that there are five or six actual Christmas songs and those five or six songs are repeatedly performed by approximately 3,623 different artists. I’ll let you do the math.

I’m not yet tired of all of this jolliness but I can sense a change in my tolerance level approaching. Every time I hear, “Oh bring us a figgy pudding…we won’t go until we get some…so bring some out here…” I get a little tense. If a bunch of people were standing on my porch screaming, “HEY, BRING ME SOME GOT DAMN FIGGY PUDDING RIGHT NOW AND WE AIN’T LEAVING UNTIL YOU DO,” they’d get some extra special figgy pudding along with a bright red Santa boot shoved up their collective asses.

Now, get off damn my porch, you bunch of fig heads.

Monday, December 11, 2006

Sugar Biscuit

I stopped at Great China on my way home because I was hungry for spring rolls and hot and sour soup. While I waited for my order, I noticed a hand-written sign that said:
Sugar Biscuits 10 for $2.50
Maybe it's because I'm from The South, but, I wouldn't mind being called "Sugar Biscuit."
"Hey, Sugar Biscuit, while you're up, bring me a beer."
Now, that's just sweet.

How Many Are There of You?

As I continue my trend of lazy blogging, here's something else I found on Serena Joy's blog. (She has a very interesting sidebar.)

There are 532 Laurie Andersons. However, using my maiden name of Ransonette, there are 0 people with my name because they don't have Ransonette in their database.

Now, aren't we special?
LogoThere are:
people with my name
in the U.S.A.

How many have your name?

Sunday, December 10, 2006

What Christmas Ornament Are You?

From Serena Joy...

You Are a Snowman

Friendly and fun, you enjoy bringing holiday cheer to everyone you know!

How Well Do You Know Laurie Quiz - Part 2?

Click on the title to take the quiz. Results so far...

Susan in St. Paul 100 (!!!!!!)
Wang Chi 90
Missy 90
Ruby (mom) 80
Bonnie 80
Katie 60
Kim 60
Cory 50
Serena Joy 40
Carly 40
Jen 40
Melissa 40
Zina 40
Sophmom 30
Jack 20
Lorna 20
Roger 20

  • My mom and sister Bonnie did a good job.
  • My niece Katie continues to know her Aunt Honey oh so well.
  • Serena Joy did very well considering she's only been a blogging friend for a couple of months.
  • Jack and Lorna, I'll make the next quiz simpler for you guys. Perhaps, ten questions about my eye and hair color?
  • Wang Chi, you know me so much better than Jack. (Wang's results only show on my main quiz page visible through a link I have put in the comments. Don't know why.)
  • Sophmom, at least you did better than Jack.
  • Carly and Jen, obviously we don't talk about me nearly enough.
  • Susan in St. Paul got a 100 ON BOTH QUIZES!!!
  • Roger! A 20?! Dude!! How could you possibly think the ****** is my favorite New Orleans hotel? Hahahahahahaha!!!!!!! (On a positive note, so far, you are the ONLY one who got the Barbie doll question right.)
  • Melissa, at least you did twice as good as Roger. Good guess on the boobs.
  • Cory, my beautiful, beautiful son. Good guessing. :)
  • Kim, good job sister-in-law.
  • Zina, you're in the majority with a 40.
  • Missy, you did better than almost everyone...even Melissa and Roger. ;)
Click here to take the first quiz.

Click here to see the post about the first quiz.

Results of first quiz:
Susan in St. Paul 100
Wang Chi 100
Terry G 90
Vikki C 90
Bonnie 80
Katie 80
Lorna 70
Her Mom, Ruby 70
Cousin Susan 70
Roger 70
Shelli 70
Cory 70
D. B. Cooper 60
Carly 60
Zina 60
Melissa 60
Jamie 60
Christian 60
Steve and Peg 60
Jen 50
Christi S. 50
Poodles 50
Jack 40
Sophmom 40
Cindy 40
JustMe 40
Neil 20

Saturday, December 09, 2006


Click on the title.
Go ahead. I double dog dare you.
(After you do that, click on my picture at 25 Peeps. You can click on the others, too.)

Friday, December 08, 2006

The Gang Who COULD (accidentally) Shoot Straight

I live in an overwhelmingly predominantly blue collar area. A couple of days ago, a robbery took place in one of the smaller, even more overwhelmingly predominantly blue collar areas of southeast Texas. Arrests have been made and more are arrests are expected.

The thing that makes this particular burglary unusual is the amount of the haul. The take is estimated at over 4 million dollars. A couple of guys broke into a house, grabbed some jewelry, coins, credit cards and a safe and hauled ass. The jewelry was real and the safe was filled with cash and securities.

It's possible that these guys knew exactly who they were robbing and what they were after. I, however, prefer to think they were looking to score a couple thousand dollars worth of merchandise to feed their meth habit and now face felony charges and significant jail time.

I think I have my screenplay.

Thursday, December 07, 2006

Happy Birthday to The Man

Back in the day, I was madly in love with Larry Bird. Today is his 50th birthday so I caught bits and pieces of a tribute show on one of the 562 sports channels I evidently have and never watch. The shooting!! The passing!! Amazing!!

Basketball is, by far, my favorite sport to watch in person. I was a huge television fan of the sport when Larry Bird was playing.

As I watched the tribute show tonight, I was surprised at the Celtics players I could still name: Ainge, McHale, Parrish. Damn, those guys were fun to watch.

30 Rock

I love this show. At first I just sort of liked it but now I love it. I don't know if the show actually got better or if I've been hypnotized by Alec Baldwin but it just cracks me up. A recurring bit on tonight's show concerned the fact that one of the main characters had made a movie called "Rural Juror."
Say it out loud.
"Rural Juror"
An hour later and I'm still laughing out loud every time I try to say it.
"Rural Juror"

The Longest Three Minutes of Your Life

I got home from work Tuesday night and my computer was acting weird. Really weird. Really, really, bad weird. I was getting messages and warnings I had never seen before. The more I tried to fix it, the weirder it got. I finally had only one choice: the dreaded reboot. The computer wouldn’t even do a normal shutdown. I had to turn it off…at the power switch. Cue the scary music: Dum, dum, dum, dummmmmmm….

Suddenly, my social life, which is e-mail dependent, passed before my eyes. I envisioned the total collapse of my personal financial system which recently, after many hours of creating spreadsheets, online banking data entry and beautifully rendered Microsoft Money graphs, has gone paperless and check-free. (Those graphs by the way, show that I spend a delightfully obscene amount of money on “entertainment” and “dining out” and mainly at establishments on Crockett Street. I should probably do something about that. Nah, maybe next year.)

After pushing the power button for the computer to come back on, I waited.

“This is taking too long.”

“It doesn’t usually take this long.”


“Okay, that screen looks famili…what the fuck was that?”


“Okay, there you go. Come on, you can do it.”

“That doesn’t usually sound like that.”

“Cra…oh, wait, it’s okay.”

“Gotdammit! What the hellllll?! Name me?! What the fuck does that mean?”


“Okay, here we go.”


“Okay, okay, okay, there they are.”

“This is taking too long. It’s all gone! Gone! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!”

“Oh, wait. It’s okay. There’s my e-mail. I have internet.”

“It’s okay. It’s all going to be okay.”

“I love you Mr. Computer.”

“I’m sorry I called you a gotdammotherfuckingpieceoffesteringdogcrap.”

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

Pretty Boy Jefferson Jackson

John Lee Hooker

My cousin Zina sent this to me a couple of months ago. Follow the instructions below for the genuine thrill that comes with discovering your blues name.

I'm either Pretty Boy Jackson (if we use Anderson) or Pretty Boy Jefferson (if we use Ransonette).

  • From the first list, take the name using the initial of your first name.

  • From the second list, do the same with your middle name.

  • From the third, use the first letter of your surname.
First List
N=Peg Leg
X=Fat Boy

Second List
S=Bad Boy

Third List

Tuesday, December 05, 2006

Grimm Hits the Big Time

My newest blogging friend, Grimm, (that's him up there with his wife and daughter) left a comment on my last post that he didn't realize that all you have to do to "hit the big time" is to be written about in this amazingly amazing special blog of mine.
He also said he would add that to his goals for 2007. So that he can get the 2006 tax deduction which all persons mentioned in this blog receive, I thought I would help him reach his goal in 2006 rather than have to wait until 2007.
Don't say I never did anything for you, Grimm, my man.
Tax return instructions - Form 1040:
Put the $5,000 "I Was Written About in Laurie's Blog" deduction on Line 26a of your 2006 Tax Return. Most people spend a relatively short time in federal prison for taking the deduction. You're welcome.

Monday, December 04, 2006

How Could I Forget?!

I was just looking at my stat counter and noticed the IP of the company where my sister’s brother-in-law works with a guy named Jeremy.

I almost forgot to post that Poodles and Jack and I went to a wonderful Christmas party Friday night and to a wonderful after-party after the wonderful party and at the first wonderful party Jeremy was there. He told me to be sure to post that I saw him at the party because he and Jimmy would be reading the blog and he wanted Jimmy to see that he made it to the big time and was written about by the one and only me.

Here you go, Jeremy! Enjoy.

(By the way, that’s Jeremy, on the right, and Jimmy, to his very immediate left, on the back row in the picture above...taken at a different function...looking like they’re kind of sweet on each other…not that there’s anything wrong with that.)

Bubbles Wine

Nomad, my only known blogging friend in France, mentioned in my Drinking Primer post that she likes "bubbles wine." "Bubbles wine" makes me think of Champagne and, if you will indulge me for a moment, I promise not to write any more alcohol related posts this week.

I hate the taste of Champagne.

I hate the headache of Champagne.

I hate the bubbles of Champagne.

I hate drinks that contain Champagne.

On New Year's Eve when everyone gets that little tiny plastic flute of Champagne (I go to only the classiest of New Year's Eve parties), I quickly follow my Champagne toast with a great big swallow of any of the 2,969 adult beverages I do like.
At my little sister's wedding, they toasted with Cuervo Gold rather than Champagne. Like I said, we're a classy bunch.

Sunday, December 03, 2006

Bah Humbu...oh, wait...never mind.


I started my Christmas shopping today and it was a schizophrenic day of Christmas spirit. I pretty much found everything I was looking for today at Target. I love Target. As I was leaving, the lines were ridiculously long.

"Bah humbu..."

"I can take you on Register 9," said the helpful young man.

"Score!" thought I.

Merry Christmas, everyone!

As I was slowly backing out of my parking place, after carefully looking both ways, I hit something. This was much more than a bah humbug moment. Since I couldn't see any cars behind me, I just knew I had hit a child. I don't drive an SUV but I've seen all of the investigative reports lately and I am justifiably terrified that I'm going to run over something important, be it man or beast.

However, keeping with the theme of the post,

"Bah humbu..."

I pulled back into my parking spot listening for horrifying screams and heard none. Preparing to exit my car to find out what the hell I hit, I looked in my rear-view mirror again and saw a dumbass pulling out of the space across the parking lot aisle from me. Obviously, this particular brand of dumbass hadn't looked to see that I was backing out BEFORE HIM (otherwise, I would have seen him when I started backing out), didn't realize (or didn't care) that he had hit me (okay, maybe we hit each other) and calmly drove away. I was so happy that I hadn't hit a living man nor beast, I drove away, too.

"Merry Christmas, everyone!"

I stopped at Hallmark to do a little more shopping before I headed home and found everything I was looking for that I had seen in the little catalog they had so graciously sent to my house. When I went to check out, one cashier was doing a gift wrap while the other cashier was "helping" a lady decipher the Dead Sea Scroll which was her layaway account. I stood there at least ten minutes. I didn't want to leave because I had pretty much cleaned out one little section of their store and I was afraid that if I came back later, they wouldn't have anymore of the treasures I just had to have.

"Bah humbu..."

When I finally did check out, I was told that, by using my Hallmark Gold Card, I had received an $8.00 credit. Oh, how I do love a bargain.


Saturday, December 02, 2006

Brief Programming Note

The Christmas party season has begun. It's also high school football playoff season. The two worlds are colliding. It's 3:00 a.m. and I have to get up in about 5 hours to go to a playoff game in Houston in 40 degree weather. Laugh if you will my northern friends, but to me, that's COLD!

The Christmas party I just got home from was great but I'll be paying for it tomorrow...uh...make that today.

Ho, ho, ho.

Friday, December 01, 2006

A Laurie Drinking Primer

When Laurie indulges in:

Smirnoff Ice – Makes me want to sit and talk.

Vodka – Makes me think people are being mean to me. In my brain, I’m constantly thinking “Fine!” like Cissy on Urban Cowboy. I almost got into my first bar fight while drinking vodka tonics.

Gin – Makes me giggly. One night Bonnie and I were both drinking gin and tonics and we laughed at everything and everybody. Bonnie and I have that affect on each other anyway. On gin, you can multiply that by a thousand.

Wine – Makes me feel silly and smart at the same time.

Tequila – Makes me a loud, happy, dancing machine.

Rum – Makes me mellow.

White Russians/Black Russians – For some reason, this is the only drink that makes me have holes in my memory. I remember about 80% of the night but there are big holes in the evening that are only verified photographically. Something about the vodka and Kahlua mixture I guess. (This is a Laurie/Melissa drinking together favorite.)

Jagermeister – Multiply the tequila affect by about twelve.

Whisky – Unless someone can remind me of a cocktail I’ve indulged in that contains any sort of whiskey, I have no idea on this one.

Beer - I've only had one full beer in my life and that was a few months ago. I'm guessing the affect would be a lot like my Smirnoff Ice buzz.

Mixing any of the above - The results are various and unpredictable. Add a headache to the hangover.

Thursday, November 30, 2006

43 Things

Yesterday when I was Googling...uh...researching Pho, I came across a site called 43 Things. This might be old news to some of you but I'll attempt to explain it anyway.

The entry page to the site has tags showing other people's goals. For those of you who don't know what tags are, they are words of various sizes. On 43 Things, the bigger the font of the word, the more people who submitted that particular goal. You can also do a word search to find a particular goal.

The way I arrived at the site was from a Google search which picked up "Pho" because someone had entered the following goal:

I can totally relate.

There were several goals related to "Pho." My favorite:

Wednesday, November 29, 2006

How Not to Eat Pho

I went to a local Vietnamese restaurant alone yesterday evening. I had never eaten there before and, before I exposed other people to the restaurant, I wanted to try it myself. The restaurant is called Pho Four Seasons and is located on College Street here in Beaumont.

According to Southeast Texas Food and Restaurants , they have wonderful spring rolls. So, I ordered some spring rolls and a bowl of pho (pronounced “fuh?” as though it were a question). The spring rolls were probably the best I’ve ever eaten. The pho, however, should be served with an instruction manual. I’ve eaten at Vietnamese restaurants before but this was the first time I had ordered pho which seemed like the thing to do since the restaurant has pho in its name.

Before I went to the restaurant, I Googled pho to see exactly what pho is. After skimming several articles, I wrongly assumed that pho is simply a sort of noodle soup. This is partially true. It is a broth and it has noodles in it. I ordered the beef variety and I didn’t hate it but I didn’t love it either.

The waiter brought me a Jethro Bodine size bowl filled with broth, beef strips, meatballs, onions, cilantro (I think) and noodles. The pho broth was the color of old dishwater and the beef was an interesting variety of shades of gray. Along with this huge bowl, I was given a side plate with jalapenos, mint (still on a rather large branch), bean sprouts and limes. I was hesitant to add anything because I wanted to experience the pho on its own rather than a Laurie-ized/American-ized/Cajun-ized version.

Besides not knowing how to add my fixings to my pho, I had a coordination problem just trying to eat the stuff. The noodles are very long and all you’re given to work with is a deep Asian spoon and chopsticks. I am chopstick challenged so I fought with the spoon and the noodles and the beef valiantly consuming about one fourth of my pho before I got tired of fooling with it and gave it up for the night.

If I had done more research before going to the restaurant, I would have found out that you are supposed to eat the pho with two hands. With one hand, you scoop up broth and other goodies while picking up the noodles with the chopsticks and gracefully adding them to the broth and goodies on your spoon.

I also found out that I shouldn’t have been afraid that I would taint my pho by mixing in whatever ingredients I thought might be good. According to a couple of websites, pho is like a hamburger or a pizza or even a bowl of gumbo. You’re supposed to garnish it in whatever way you like including using hot sauce, soy sauce and/or hoisin sauce along with the things given to you on the side plate of goodies.

Now, I understand why Anthony Bourdain always has locals with him when he’s trying out a cuisine which is new to him or eating a still beating cobra heart or choking down a recently deceased tree frog. Some things should not be done alone.

Pho Four Seasons
3690 College Street
Beaumont, Texas
Closed Monday
Tuesday – Saturday (10:30 – 9:00)
Sunday (10:30 – 5:00)

Tuesday, November 28, 2006


The good news: The Hobbit is going to be made into a movie.
The bad news: Peter Jackson won’t be directing.

Fore-Casting…(if these guys directed):

Quentin Tarantino
Bilbo Baggins – Joe Pesci
Gandalf – John Travolta
Gollum – Christopher Walken

Stephen Spielberg
Bilbo Baggins – Danny DeVito
Gandalf – Sean Connery
Gollum – William Shatner

Tim Burton
Bilbo Baggins – Christina Ricci
Gandalf – Johnny Depp
Gollum – Beetle Juice

Clint Eastwood
Bilbo Baggins – Gene Hackman
Gandalf – Clint Eastwood
Gollum – Clyde the Orangutan

Spike Lee
Bilbo Baggins – Whoopie Goldberg
Gandalf – Morgan Freeman
Gollum – Wanda Sykes

Rob Reiner
Bilbo Baggins – Billy Crystal
Gandalf – Tom Hanks
Gollum – Gilbert Gottffied

Mel Gibson
Bilbo Baggins - Jesus
Gandalf - God
Gollum – Satan

Monday, November 27, 2006

Ball of Confusion

Below are some people who I sometimes get confused in my head. (The list got longer than I thought and I got lazy so I quit checking the spellings.)

Jimmy Fallon
Chris Kattan

Juliette Lewis
Martha Plimpton

Rachel Weisz
Keira Knightley

Bill Pullman
Bill Paxton

Mandy Patinkin
Kevin Kline

Lisa Hartman
Heather Locklear
Donna Mills

Jessica Hahn
Donna Rice
Fawn Hall

Mira Sorvino
Gwyneth Paltrow

Kim Cattrall
Kate Capshaw

Vic Morrow
Van Heflin

Christine Lahti
Allison Janney

Natasha Kinski
Isabella Rosallini

Ray Stevens
Jim Stafford

Dylan McDermott
Dermot Mulroney

K. C. and the Sunshine Band
Kool and the Gang

Bruce Dern
Bradford Dillman

80's Hair Bands

Rachel Ward
Kelly LeBrock

Ned Beatty
Charles Durning

Lawrence Fishburn
Morgan Freeman
Danny Glover
Samuel L. Jackson

Huggy Bear

Chris Rock
Chris Tucker

Bruce Boxleitner
Perry King

Veronica Hamel
Connie Selleca


Spike Jonze
Barry Pepper
Viggo Mortensen

Michael Clarke Duncan
Ving Rhames

Jack Warden
Jack Weston
Jack Albertson

Luke Perry
Jason Priestley

Leah Thompson
Sarah Jessica Parker
Mary Louise Parker
Mary Stuart Masterson
Jennifer Jason Leigh

Annabell Sciorra
Mary Elizabeth Mastrantonio
Linda Fiorentino
Laura San Giacomo
Lorraine Bracco

Melissas Joan Hart
Sarah Michelle Geller

Irene Dunne
Myrna Loy
Claudette Colbert
Carole Lombard

Sunday, November 26, 2006

Room for more turkey?

Highlights from an article in the New York Daily News:

  • He may have played nerdy eighth-grader Samuel (Screech) Powers in the sitcom "Saved by the Bell." But former TV geek Dustin Diamond can now take his place with Colin Farrell, Tommy Lee and Kid Rock as the star of his very own sex tape.
  • Everyone who remembers Diamond as a lovable putz is in for a shock once they see a 40-minute video in which he engages in a kinky three-way with two women, sources tell us.
  • We can't get too graphic here, but word is that the action includes some bodily functions and an act known as a "Dirty Sanchez."
  • The sex vid's working title is "Saved by the Smell."

Saturday, November 25, 2006

Roxanne Drinking Game

I'm not a big fan of drinking games because, as a professional drinker, I know what happens if I don't drink at my own pace and I've never needed help with that.

However, from a reliable source, comes this drinking game which has evidently been around a while but which I had never heard of. The reliable source tells me that this drinking game should be played at the very beginning of the evening because it's a good ice breaker and it gets everyone loosened up for the rest of the festivities.

Everyone chooses whether or not they will drink each time Sting says either Roxanne or "red light" while the song Roxanne plays. Listen to the song right now. I bet you'll be surprised how many times Sting says "red light."

Friday, November 24, 2006

Lazy Day Post - I Danced With A Mexican Because That's How I Roll

I'm sure a lot of you have gotten this by e-mail but the results my friends have sent me cracked me up. So, off we go...

Pick the month you were born:
January------I kicked
February-----I loved
March--------I smoked
April--------- I dry humped
May---------- I choked on
June----------I murdered
July-----------I did the Macarena with
August--------I had lunch with
September----I danced with
October-------I sang to
November-----I yelled at
December-----I ran over

Pick the day (number) you were born on:
1 ------- a birdbath
2 ------- a monster
3 ------- a phone
4 ------- a fork
5 ------- a Mexican
6 ------- a gangster
7 ------- my cell phone
8 ------- my dog
9 ------- my best friends' boyfriend
10 ------- my neighbor
11 ------- my science teacher
12 ------- a banana
13 ------- a fireman
14 ------- a stuffed animal
15 ------- a goat
16 ------- a pickle
17 ------- your mom
18 ------- a spoon
19 ------- myself
20 ------- a baseball bat
21 ------- a ninja
22 ------- Chuck Norris
23 ------- a noodle
24 ------- a squirrel
25 ------- a football player
26 ------- my sister
27 ------- my brother
28 ------- an I-pod
29 ------- a permanent marker
30 ------- a llama
31 ------- A homeless guy

Pick the color of shirt you are wearing:
White ---------- because I'm cool like that
Black ---------- because that's how I roll
Red ---------- because the voices told me to
Blue -----------because I'm sexy and I do what I want
Green ---------- because I hate myself
Purple ---------- because I'mcool
Yellow ---------- because someone offered me 1,000,000 dollars
Orange ----------because I hate my family
Pink ----------because I am not a homosexual
Brown ----------because I was high
Grey ----------because I was drunk
Other ----------because I'm a ninja
None ---------- because I can't control myself

Thursday, November 23, 2006

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

Classic Game-age

As most classic rock fans, I play the game of name-that-tune-in-three-notes-or-less in my brain every time a classic rock or classic pop song comes within my music hearing radar range. (Who remembers the Amana Radarrange? Anyone? Anyone?) In the case of “Frampton Comes Alive” or Cheap Trick “Live at Budokan”, I don’t even need a note. Just the crowd noise gives those away.

However, there are two bands I never recognize and my brother-in-law takes great joy in that fact because name-that-tune-in-three-notes-or-less is a very competitive game. The two bands that stump me every time are Blue Oyster Cult and Emerson, Lake and Palmer. I used to have the same problem with the Moody Blues but I bought their greatest hits and now I can smackdown on some Moody Blues three-notes-or-less game-age.

I’m already listening to holiday music on my XM radio at work. A little while ago, some song played which I thought was the Moody Blues. However, it was Greg Lake. It seems that any permutation of ELP kicks my three-notes-or-less ass.

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

Naughty Words That Make Me Smile


silly bitch


doo-doo head


fart blossom

popcorn fart



any word with fuck stuck in the middle of it

shit storm

assy (Example: She sure was acting assy today.)


shit sandwich



Monday, November 20, 2006

One Step Forward, Two Steps Back, One Step Closer to Heaven

Today, I wanted to buy a Visa gift card as a birthday gift. Sounds simple doesn’t it? I didn’t want to spend my whole lunch hour driving to my own bank so I strained my brain all morning trying to think of the location of the nearest bank to my office.

One step forward:

I’ve worked in this building a total of twelve years and it took me several hours to remember there’s a bank in the lobby.


Two steps back:

I called the bank in the lobby and spent about five minutes punching buttons until I was ultimately disconnected for performing the major faux pas of pressing zero.


One step forward:

I called my bank and found out they sell Visa gift cards and the service charge is relatively inexpensive.


Two steps back:

After driving across town to my bank, things were going pretty smoothly until my teller-in-training and her trainer went to the vault to retrieve my gift card and found out everyone was locked out of the vault.


Several karma steps forward:

I made a few good karma points by stepping aside and letting other customers go ahead of me while I patiently waited for the vault to be opened thirty minutes later.

Peace, love, groovy, Woodstock.

Sunday, November 19, 2006

I Told You I Don't Have an Accent

What American accent do you have?
Your Result: The Midland

"You have a Midland accent" is just another way of saying "you don't have an accent." You probably are from the Midland (Pennsylvania, southern Ohio, southern Indiana, southern Illinois, and Missouri) but then for all we know you could be from Florida or Charleston or one of those big southern cities like Atlanta or Dallas. You have a good voice for TV and radio.

The South
The Inland North
The Northeast
The West
North Central
What American accent do you have?
Take More Quizzes

Saturday, November 18, 2006

It Has Begun

After months of procrastination, I finally started cleaning out closets. Actually, I cleaned out nothing. When I started opening boxes and containers, they were so filled with memories I couldn't throw anything away.

I have things I've saved since I was in elementary school and there was no way I was going to part with my 26 year-old son's first pair of flip-flops, Michael Jackson belt or Pink Panther stuffed toy.

Instead, I just rearranged the closet. The only things I threw away were empty boxes I had saved in case I needed to return something if it turned out to be defective. It looks much better and, having gone through all the containers, I don't feel guilty anymore about the closet being so full.

I heard a line in a movie (or a television show or I read it in a book) that applies to my day today: It's not the work that slows you down. It's the memories.

Maybe, I'll have better luck with the hall closet...

Back So Soon?

I solved my computer issues by removing Trendmicro PC-Cillin 2007 from my computer. Luckily, it was a free trial version so I'm not out any money. I've been using PC-Cillin for several years with no problem but I'm evidently not the only person who has had problems with the the 2007 version.

I looked around the internet to see what else was out there for antispyware and antivirus protection but each program had people who loved it and people who hated it. After the nightmare I've had the last two days with the PC-Cillin program, I decided I didn't want any of them.

My solution? I have decided to put all my eggs in one basket and downloaded the Microsoft Windows Live OneCare antivirus/antispyware/firewall system. I also downloaded Internet Explorer 7 and everything seems to be running a lot smoother than it was even before I tried to upgrade my PC-Cillin.

People like to fret about whether or not Microsoft is trying to take over the world, but, this morning, I don't care. If Bill Gates was here right now, I'd kiss his ass.

Friday, November 17, 2006

Dream Post and Posting Post

This morning right before I woke up for the day, I was dreaming that the son of one of my co-workers was showing me his art/science project which consisted of a messy bathroom with a toilet filled with toilet paper. I told him he couldn’t leave it like that without leaving a note because someone would clean the bathroom and flush the toilet and, then, his science project would be gone.

Just then, Pauline Porizkova came floating gracefully into the bathroom and that’s when I realized my clock radio was playing the wonderful Cars song “Drive” and I had overslept.

Posting note for my stalkers…I mean, my most loyal readers:
I updated my virus protection program last night and between the time my old program was down and my new program was up, I somehow got spyware on my computer and it is moving at a snail’s pace, sort of like Tim Conway when he acts like that old man. Until I can fix the problem, I won’t be posting because that would eventually result in me throwing the computer out the window and there would be all that glass to clean up and everything. Read some archives if you’re desperate for a Miss New Orleans fix.

Thursday, November 16, 2006

The Hoodia Post

I’m on the 10-Day Green Tea Hoodia diet courtesy of a lovely display at CVS and on a co-worker’s recommendation. The feeling I get after taking a capsule is sort of like the delightful buzz I get when I down a Monster energy drink while I’m on steroids when my shoulder is bothering me.

Yesterday morning at about 10:00 a.m., when I felt like my head was going to spin off my shoulders, I realized I drank a Starbucks double shot espresso before I took the Hoodia capsule. Let’s do the math, shall we? Green Tea Hoodia has 150 mg of “natural” caffeine. Starbucks double shot espresso has 120 mg of caffeine. That’s 270 mg of caffeine consumed in a twenty minute timeframe by one little 140 pound woman. One cup of strong coffee has about 60 mg of caffeine. Can you say wacky on the junk?

I started feeling somewhat normal around 1:00 p.m. and took another Hoodia. Other than feeling pretty peppy and having the sensation that my eyes were open really wide, I felt fairly normal. Even if I don’t lose any weight, I’m enjoying the buzz. Who knows, I might actually clean out those damn closets this weekend.

I Went to Courville's and All I Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt

Actually, I got a lot more than this fantastic t-shirt. The gumbo was delicious on this chilly night and the music was hotter than the gumbo. I was going to write a review as soon as I got home but I knew I wanted to post pictures of the t-shirt and properly link to all the amazing performers so, I fell asleep on the couch in my office watching Letterman instead.

For the real review, go to Wang Chi's House of Pancakes where Jack will tell you all about it. It was without a doubt one of the best shows I have ever seen anywhere. I feel like I got a glimpse of Waylon, Willie and Tompall Glaser in the days right before they released The Outlaws in 1976. To add extra spice to the musical gumbo, these guys were hilarious.

Big John Mills even had his little tiny dog with him that wandered around through the crowd during the show. So, while eating gumbo and watching an 8-man acoustic jam, I was also petting a dog. Man, I love Texas.

I've never wished I had my camera with me so badly. Well, that's not true. Today, one of the women in my office put a blue Walmart bag on her head with the front fastened back with paperclips, like barrettes, because the vent in her office was blowing on her head. But, tonight was a close second. I sure missed some great picture taking opportunities.

Dang nabbit.

(For some reason Blogger keeps blocking out the bottom of the t-shirt. The name that isn't showing is Ryan James.)

Wednesday, November 15, 2006


I was going to do a post about the Hoodia pills I'm taking right now but the power went out here at the office over the lunch hour and I have plans for this evening. Hoodia tomorrow. In the meantime, by way of Looking for Dave...

You are The Wheel of Fortune

Good fortune and happiness but sometimes a species of intoxication with success

The Wheel of Fortune is all about big things, luck, change, fortune. Almost always good fortune. You are lucky in all things that you do and happy with the things that come to you. Be careful that success does not go to your head however. Sometimes luck can change.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

Weird Thought for the Day

As I was showering the other morning (all of my best ideas and strangest thoughts occur in the shower), I thought about how paralyzed with indecision I would be if I suddenly woke up in someone else’s body. We take for granted all of the little idiosyncrasies we have pertaining to the physical and emotional upkeep of ourselves.

Emotionally speaking, for the most part, most of us generally know how to talk ourselves back off the ledge when we’re teetering on dangerous ground. However, what if you were forced to use someone else’s brain encumbered by a lifetime of their emotions and experiences both good and bad? Trying to harness someone else’s feelings would be difficult but, on a practical level, what about the physical stuff? What if I woke up and I was suddenly a man? I wouldn’t know where to begin to deal with all of that…stuff…down there.

So, those are the two biggies: other people’s emotions and genitals of the opposite sex. But, what about the practical stuff? You might have to put yourself on a whole new toenail clipping regimen. You wouldn’t even know which foods you like or dislike until you tried to eat a rutabaga and puked on someone’s shoes. You might not know you were allergic to peanuts until you woke up standing at the Pearly Gates asking St. Peter what the hell happened.

How does this new body react to caffeine? Alcohol? From years of experience, I know exactly how much I can drink in what timeframe after eating how much food. It’s a delicate balance involving equations and logarithms and the metric system. I don’t always follow my own carefully set guidelines but I know precisely what the consequences will be if I don’t. What if I woke up in the body of a lightweight that got smashed after one glass of wine? Sure, I’d save a lot of money but I’d also miss a lot of encores and late night breakfasts.

What about shampoo? Do I need a conditioner? Do I have dandruff? Which toothpaste and deodorant works best on my particular dental work and pits? Do I need the extra soft Charmin or is my bum just as happy with the bargain stuff?

I spend a lot of time in the shower.

Monday, November 13, 2006

They Got Me Again

Last Monday, I was enjoying one of my favorite new shows this season, Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip when I suddenly became filled with a feeling of dread. It was an intense episode with John Goodman and emotional performances by everyone on the cast.

At about 9:45 p.m., I glanced at the clock and wondered, "Wow, how are they going to wrap this up in 15 minutes?"

At 9:50 p.m., I thought, "Man, I've seen CSI pull a twist in the last minute and a half of an episode but, I don't see that happening here."

At 9:55 p.m., reality began to sink in and my denial began to fade.

At 9:58 p.m., my heart sank as the dreaded words appeared on the screen...

To Be Continued

Sunday, November 12, 2006

An Amazing Statistic

Three out of four persons polled (Jamie, Cory, Bonnie, Laurie) do not find sock monkeys to be one of the creepiest, scariest, freakiest toys known to man.

One out of four persons (me) hates them.

Bonnie, Jamie and I attended the annual Nutcracker Market at Reliant Stadium today. Between all the "cute" frog stuff and "adorable" sock monkeys everywhere, delightfully pointed out to me by Bonnie and Jamie, I'm sure I will not be dreaming of sugarplums dancing in my head tonight.

Saturday, November 11, 2006

I Finally Found My Calling

My sister Bonnie and I are in Houston this weekend visiting my son and daughter-in-law. They both had to work this morning so Bonnie and I got up early and worked their neighborhood garage sale for them.

I've finally found the perfect outlet for my OCLSC (obsessive compulsive lifestyle choice). I am the perfect garage sale organizer and sales person.

If you'd like to hire me, please call me at 1-800-SLM-YSHT or e-mail me at

Thursday, November 09, 2006

Two Possible Solutions for Dealing With Loud Cellphone Talkers

Pain Killers Recalled

Eleven million bottles of acetaminophen have been recalled because they contain metal shavings.

If a person has to ingest metal shavings, I suppose in combination with pain killers would be the preferred method.

See ya!

Tomorrow is Fav File Clerk's last day here at the office. She's moving on to bigger and better things (and an office with lots more men).

In the immortal words of Davetta when Jen T. left, "I'm going to miss you, you little shit."

Wednesday, November 08, 2006

Faith Hill and Carrie Underwood

You've probably seen this but I keep going back to YouTube and watching different versions of it. There's one where the guys watching it say, "Rewind, dude. Did you see that?"

Faith Hill's people said yesterday that she was just kidding and that she didn't know the camera was on her. I think they could have come up with a better story than that. She might have forgotten the camera was on her but professional entertainers always know when they're on camera.

Some of the public are saying Faith is upset that Carrie won and she didn't. I, personally, don't think Faith was necessarily upset that she didn't win. She was just shocked that Carrie won. I'm sure Carrie would be the first to say that it was a real shocker.

I prefer Faith's honest reaction (own it, girlfriend) to the usual nice smiley clapping. Of course, with all the flack Faith Hill is getting for this, I definitely understand the smiley clapping reaction choice.

Tuesday, November 07, 2006

More Weirdness

I stopped at Great China on my way home to buy myself some hot and sour soup and some spring rolls. This was my fortune...

This is what the UPS guy just left on my front porch...

If it flies...

As I was driving to work this morning, I found myself behind a Suburban, otherwise known in these parts as a Texas Cadillac. On the bottom left of the rear window, I noticed one of those stickers which has the name of a child and their chosen sport. I would like to see the name of a child with some math equations under it, but I digress.

As I pulled up behind the Suburban at a stoplight, I got a better look at the sticker. It had two birds in flight on either side of the words, “If it flies, it dies.” That seemed a bit all-inclusive to me, even for Texas. Surely, they wouldn’t shoot a pelican or Superman. What about The Flying Nun or The Greatest American Hero?

Did the Greatest American Hero fly? I don’t remember. I have a sore throat. I think I have a fever. Now, my head hurts. I need to go lie down for a minute. I bet I dream about frogs. Stupid frogs.

Monday, November 06, 2006


Last night, I dreamed my house was infested with frogs. They started out small and then they got larger and larger until they were about the size of a kitten. I had to pick them up and throw them out the door to get rid of them, crying and groaning in disgust the whole time. The more I threw out, the more there were.



Sunday, November 05, 2006

My Evil Side is Showing

I'm the person in our group who likes to go early to a club to get the best table, geometrically speaking, for view and sound and, if I can swing it, restroom proximity. (I scored big on the restroom thing at Courville's last time, not so big on view or sound though.) While I wait for everyone else to arrive, I drink and chit-chat with the staff and watch all the other poor suckers come in looking for a good place to sit.

Where's the evil in that, you ask? I especially like to watch the people who come in two hours after me who look at me and my primo table like I'm a pork chop sandwich and they haven't eaten in a week. That makes me happy. I actually had one girl ask me last night, in a somewhat snotty tone as I sat with my three saved chairs, "Are people SITTING with you?"

I wanted to say, "Yes, dear. They're invisible and they don't like you either," but I didn't.

Last night I got an unreasonable amount of joy out of watching several different couples wander around aimlessly trying to find a place to park their derrieres. I had to feel bad for the men because their martini glass carrying dates did not look pleased that they were going to be standing all night. Granted, it was Jive Train and every chair and table in the place was taken by 8:30 p.m. but I still felt superior to the rabble below me and my excellently perfect table.

See what I mean? Evil.

Saturday, November 04, 2006

Sean Homecoming

Even though I've quit having birthdays, somehow, my niece and nephews just keep getting bigger and bigger. This is my nephew Sean before his homecoming dance this year. He's so handsome! I don't know the girl but she's a cutie.

Enjoy the slideshow of my brother and his family. I just noticed I don't have Kim in any of the slideshow pictures so here is one of her. (She was probably the photographer in most of the slideshow pics which came from e-mails from her.)