Friday Night Standup - Groucho Marx

• A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.
• A man's only as old as the woman he feels.
• A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.
• Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.
• Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
• Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.
• From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.
• Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough.
• Go, and never darken my towels again.
• Humor is reason gone mad.
• I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.
• I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.
• I must confess, I was born at a very early age.
• I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
• I remember the first time I had sex. I kept the receipt.
• I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
• I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.
• I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it.
• If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.
• If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again.
• It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.
• Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
• My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something.
• No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early.
• One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.
• Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.
• Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.
• Room service? Send up a larger room.
• She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.
• The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.
• There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, "Yes," you know he is a crook.
• Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.
• Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know.
• When I was young I was amazed at Plutarch's statement that the elder Cato began at the age of eighty to learn Greek. I am amazed no longer. Old age is ready to undertake tasks that youth shirked because they would take too long.
• Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?
• Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.
• Why a four-year-old child could understand this report. Run out and find me a four-year-old child. I can't make head nor tail out of it.
• Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me?
• Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!
• Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse.
• Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough.
• Women should be obscene and not heard.