Penis Enhancement Anyone?

I was cleaning out my junk e-mail earlier and saw one with a subject line for "penis enhancement." I deleted it and moved on to the next e-mail.  As I was deleting the next e-mail, it occurred to me how nonchalantly I had deleted the "penis enhancement" e-mail. 

There was a day when stumbling across pictures of gynecological views of lady parts while doing an innocent search for bing cherries or seeing the word penis in my e-mail in-box would have possibly shocked me or at least made me hesitate.  Not anymore.

I Google through the images of penises and va-jay-jays without thought or hesitation until I find what I'm looking for.  I delete e-mails with subject lines that would send your grandmother screaming from the room without a hint of shock or embarrassment.

My apologies to all of you who happened upon this blog post while actually searching for penile enhancement tools or gynecological views of lady parts.  Keep searching.  Trust me, they're out there.

It's Not What You Think

Laurie: You want some?

Nameless guy friend: Sure.

Laurie: Give me your hand.

Nameless guy friend: Have you sucked it?

Laurie: Ew! No!!

Nameless guy friend: You should. It's hotter that way.

Laurie: This one's hard.

Nameless guy friend: You have to squeeze it.

Shut My Mouth

As I was walking into my office building this morning, I noticed a construction worker type guy looking at me. I smiled at him and thought he looked familiar. He smiled back and I suddenly realized why he looked familiar and stopped myself just before I said...

"You remind me of my gynocologist!"

Mad Men Season Premiere

Mad Men season premiere this Sunday, 7/27/08, on American Movie Classics. Take off your girdle, grab a scotch and a pack of smokes and turn off the phone. Don Draper. Mmmmmmm...

I'd Rather be a Mitch (Morning Bitch)

I recently read an article about how to wake up refreshed and ready to enjoy your day. I'd rather be unfreshed. Thanks, anyway.

• Note good things to come - write yourself a note about something good that's going to happen the next day and put it by your alarm clock.

Why it won't work for me:

My lunch plans will not make me one bit happier about having to get out of bed.

• Keep a cool bedroom.

Why it won't work for me:

Already do it. Still not happy about getting out of bed. What else you got?

• Surround yourself with color.

Why it won't work for me:

How do bright colors help my mood through tightly shut lids?

• Put flowers by your bedside.

Why it won't work for me:

Smelling flowers all night will make me have bad dreams about funerals and tragic '70s teen dances wearing huge sickeningly sweet smelling corsages.

• Don't hit the snooze button.

Why it won't work for me:

Don't hit the snooze button? Bite me. The snooze button is one of God's greatest inventions.

• Visualize your day.

Why it won't work for me:

Isn't visualizing my day the main reason I don't want to get out of bed?

• Drink a big glass of water.

Why it won't work for me:

Okay, this one might work because I'll have to get up to pee...eventually.

• Let the light in.

Why it won't work for me:

Light? Please, I could sleep on the sun. Light. Hah!

• Rub yourself awake - massage your face.

Why it won't work for me:

Wouldn't I have to be awake to massage my own face?

• Have sex.

Why it won't work for me:

Never, never, never wake me for sex. Never wake me for anything. In fact, if the house is on fire, gently take me by the hand and lead me outside. Do not, under any circumstances, actually speak to me. I'll wake up...eventually.

Sex and the Kitties

My blogging friends Grimm and Leslie are having a kitten problem. Here's a video Leslie made. Oh, and read their blogs. They're hilarious.

Louisiana senate panel approves bill allowing castration for sex offenders

by Ed Anderson, The Times Picayune

Tuesday April 08, 2008, 1:04 PM

BATON ROUGE -- A Senate committee today took the first step toward giving judges the authority to order sex offenders to undergo physical or chemical castration.

The Judiciary C Committee unanimously passed Senate Bill 144 by Sen. Nick Gautreaux, D-Abbeville, to give a judge the option to order medroxyprogestrone acetate, or MPA, to be administered to a first time sex offender. On a repeat violation, the judge must order the treatment for a specific time if a medical expert agrees the treatment can help the offender.
The offender can opt for physical castration on a first or second offense if he agrees to the surgery and a judge concurs.

Gautreaux said the state does not currently allow either type of castration. He said one or both forms of the procedure can help sex offenders lower their sex drive and possibly keep them from committing future sex crimes.

Gautreaux said either type of castration would be in addition to the jail time a judge orders the offender to serve. The castration cannot reduce the sentence or replace it, Gautreaux said.

"This does not make it easy on the sex offender," Gautreaux said.

The committee also approved Gautreaux's Senate Bill 143 to prohibit anyone convicted of a sex offense from wearing a mask, hood or costume to hand out candy or gifts on Halloween to children under 18. The bill was amended to prohibit the distribution of gifts by a sex offender who may or may not wear a costume at other times of the year, such as Easter and Christmas.

A violator could get at least six months and up to three years in jail with the first six months to be served behind bars.

Both bills must now be debated by the Senate.

Ed Anderson can be reached at eanderson@timespicayune.com or (225) 342-5810.

Permalink

Eliot Spitzer's Favorite Mistake

This is Ashley Alexandra Dupre a/k/a Ashley Rae Maika DiPietro. She is Eliot Spitzer's hootchie of choice. Here is her MySpace page.

My only thought on the matter is this: If I have to pay $30 (!!!!) to fill up my Toyota ($30...a Toyota!!!!), I think it's only fair that a millionaire, hypocrite politician should have to pay $1,000 an hour for sex.

Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Your Zip Code

I can't remember how I found this website, but I think it's fascinating. It's called Citi-Data.com. Type in your zip code and prepare to be amazed.

Some information about my zip code:

• 18 registered sex offenders live here


• charitable contribution deductions $4,964


• "likely" homosexual households: gay men 0.2%, lesbian 0.4%


• median number of rooms in houses or condos 5.9

More Keywords

Recent keyword searches that brought people to this blog:

Excuse me? You were looking for what?

• arkansas tooth pick penile bone


From Bryan, Texas, where I suppose this is a problem:

• can you carry leatherman in car


The word you're looking for is "recipe."

• marijuana brownie receipt


• chow mein receipt


• tater tot receipt (twice!)


Marital woes:

• why he farts at night


• my wife never loved me


Charles or Marilyn? I don't suppose it matters really. Either way, you're creepy.

• how to look like manson


Butt?

• rectal thermometer sex (Note: I get at least one search for this every day.)


• serpository (Note: That would be "suppository" to you.)


Automotive:

• turn the key car i hear click click click


This one could be interpreted in a couple of different ways.

• best female asshole of the year


Troublemaker?

• cap theater guns noise making

In Laurie's Brain: A Gyno Visit...in a Pear Tree

Sing this to the tune of "The Twelve Days of Christmas." Seriously, sing it out loud. Your co-workers won't mind. Truly they won't.

At the fifth door, the twelfth floor
my gyno said to me
Hop on this table right here.

At the fifth door, the twelfth floor
My gyno said to me
Put on this gown
And hop on this table right here.

At the fifth door, the twelfth floor
My gyno said to me
Please disrobe,
Put on this gown
And hop on this table right here.

At the fifth door, the twelfth floor
My gyno said to me
Let’s see those boobs.
Please disrobe,
Put on this gown
And hop on this table right here.

At the fifth door, the twelfth floor
My gyno said to me
Any S – T – D- s?
Let’s see those boobs.
Please disrobe,
Put on this gown
And hop on this table right here.

At the fifth door, the twelfth floor
My gyno said to me
How is your sex life?
Any S – T – D- s?
Let’s see those boobs.
Please disrobe,
Put on this gown
And hop on this table right here.

At the fifth door, the twelfth floor
My gyno said to me
Are you having mood swings?
How is your sex life?
Any S – T – D- s?
Let’s see those boobs.
Please disrobe,
Put on this gown
And hop on this table right here.

At the fifth door, the twelfth floor
My gyno said to me
How much do you weigh?
Are you having mood swings?
How is your sex life?
Any S – T – D- s?
Let’s see those boobs.
Please disrobe
Put on this gown
And hop on this table right here.

At the fifth door, the twelfth floor
My gyno said to me
You need a bone scan.
How much do you weigh?
Are you having mood swings?
How is your sex life?
Any S – T – D- s?
Let’s see those boobs.
Please disrobe,
Put on this gown
And hop on this table right here.

At the fifth door, the twelfth floor
My gyno said to me
I see vaginas.
You need a bone scan.
How much do you weigh?
Are you having mood swings?
How is your sex life?
Any S – T – D- s?
Let’s see those boobs.
Please disrobe,
Put on this gown
And hop on this table right here.

At the fifth door, the twelfth floor
My gyno said to me
I play golf with your new boss.
I see vaginas.
You need a bone scan.
How much do you weigh?
Are you having mood swings?
How is your sex life?
Any S – T – D- s?
Let’s see those boobs.
Please disrobe,
Put on this gown
And hop on this table right here.

At the fifth door, the twelfth floor
My gyno said to me
Please sign this waiver.
I play golf with your new boss.
I see vaginas.
You need a bone scan.
How much do you weigh?
Are you having mood swings?
How is your sex life?
Any S – T – D- s?
Let’s see those boobs.
Please disrobe,
Put on this gown
And hop on this table right here.

More Keywords

Below are some of the keyword phrases that people typed into a search engine and, somehow, ended up at this blog. Whenever I've posted unusual keyword searches in the past, someone always leaves a comment asking how to find out what keywords people used to find their blog. I use Statcounter which counts visitors to my page and also lists keyword searches. Statcounter is free and easy to add to your blog. It's located at www.statcounter.com.

On to this edition of strange keyword searches:

Some just don't make sense to me...
unexpected night quotes
appetizer in a hat
what do the jcpenney dishes say on the back

Some are self-explanatory...
brent coon & associates sucks (By the way, this one came from someone at Brent Coon & Associates)
andy barney helen thelma lou on couch naked
ex girlfriends show up at husbands class reunion (Why would this surprise anyone?)

Some are sad:
what to do when you miss a friend

Some are sad and funny at the same time:
i want to leave my smelly husband

Some are probably trying to settle an argument:
re-propose to wife vow renewal?

Some will never find what they're looking for because they can't spell:
serpository
heardboard sex

Well, if you put it that way...

I accidentally opened a spam e-mail this morning from someone named Merle who I thought might be Peter in Australia's sister. It obviously wasn't from Merle in Australia...

Experience the boost in your sex life with Penis Enlarge Patch. We promise that after trying Penis Enlarge Patch you dick wont look like overly boiled sausage.

Keyword Search

My keyword search log which shows how people arrived at this blog through search engines has been boringly normal lately. Most of my hits are for people looking for the lyrics to the song of the same name as the title of this blog or for information on local restaurants. Disturbingly, I've been getting a lot of hits for "Charles Manson" since I did the post earlier this week in which I mentioned his name.

Today, however, people arrived at this blog through this strange smorgasborg of search phrases:

• you live in new orleans when daniel greens
• do you know what it means to miss new orleans chart
• do evil spirits smell
• cartoons/ fatten up to put in pie
• new orleans la homemade video of people have sex at work
• you know you from new orleans when daniel greens
• new orleans most wanted
• do you know what it means to miss new orleans?
• if you know what i mean to miss new orlean

Do evil spirits smell? I don't know and who the heck is Daniel Greens? I wonder if he's the guy having sex at work in New Orleans.

Do I LOOK like Charles Manson?

Saturday I went to the beach to rent a cabin for my vacation in April. When I got to the real estate office, I told the lady which dates I needed and which cabins I was interested in. Those of you who know me are correct in assuming that I had my notebook, file folder and clipboard with me so we were able to hit the ground running.

When I told the lady I was interesed in a particular cabin, she looked at me and said, "That one is very basic."

She said this to me in the same way that Tony Soprano would tell someone, "You don't want to use that waste removal contractor."

I told her that my family liked the pictures because it has a pool table and she repeated in the same monotone, slightly threatening voice, staring right into my eyes, "It's very basic."

A man who was there at the same time, looked at me and said, "It's a guy thing. They always want the one with the pool table."

The real estate lady shot him a look that said, "Mind your own business, buster."

She looked back at me and I said, "Okay, let's scratch that one off then."

She then gave me the keys to the three cabins from my list that weren't rented for the week I wanted and which met her, evidently, high standards of beach cabin rental ethics.

When I got to the first cabin, I noticed that there was an SUV parked under the cabin. I assumed it was someone on the beach who just decided to park their car under this particular beachfront cabin. I was wrong.

I climbed the stairs and walked around on the deck for a minute when, suddenly, the front door of the cabin opened. Standing there was an extremely surly 40-ish-year-old woman. Who can be unhappy at the beach, I ask you?

I said, "Oh, hi! The lady at S_____'s told me no one was staying here. I'm thinking about renting this cabin in April."

She just glared at me. She glared. At ME.

I said, "I'm sorry. Is this your cabin? The lady must not have known you were here."

"It's not my cabin and she knew we were here. I paid her, " she scowled.

Being as sweet as I could, I walked over to her and tried to look inside the cabin and said, "Do you mind if I just peek at the living area right here? I won't walk in."

She blocked the door like I was Freddy Krueger trying to murder her and everyone inside. Behind her, I could see two women, one sitting at the kitchen table and one sitting on the couch. There was no wild-drug-sex party going on which would have at least explained her lousy attitude at being so rudely interrupted.

I, suddenly, did have a very real desire to go all Charles Manson on her ass but I just said, "Thanks, anyway, bitch." (I didn't really say that.)

The good news is that I got my cabin and now I'm ready for the Stingaree Music Festival which is being organized by Hayes Carll. Yeah, that's right. I didn't tell any of you, my faithful readers, about it until I had MY cabin rented.

You didn't know I could be so sneaky, did you?

Room for more turkey?

Highlights from an article in the New York Daily News:

• He may have played nerdy eighth-grader Samuel (Screech) Powers in the sitcom "Saved by the Bell." But former TV geek Dustin Diamond can now take his place with Colin Farrell, Tommy Lee and Kid Rock as the star of his very own sex tape.
• Everyone who remembers Diamond as a lovable putz is in for a shock once they see a 40-minute video in which he engages in a kinky three-way with two women, sources tell us.
• We can't get too graphic here, but word is that the action includes some bodily functions and an act known as a "Dirty Sanchez."
• The sex vid's working title is "Saved by the Smell."

Weird Thought for the Day

As I was showering the other morning (all of my best ideas and strangest thoughts occur in the shower), I thought about how paralyzed with indecision I would be if I suddenly woke up in someone else’s body. We take for granted all of the little idiosyncrasies we have pertaining to the physical and emotional upkeep of ourselves.

Emotionally speaking, for the most part, most of us generally know how to talk ourselves back off the ledge when we’re teetering on dangerous ground. However, what if you were forced to use someone else’s brain encumbered by a lifetime of their emotions and experiences both good and bad? Trying to harness someone else’s feelings would be difficult but, on a practical level, what about the physical stuff? What if I woke up and I was suddenly a man? I wouldn’t know where to begin to deal with all of that…stuff…down there.

So, those are the two biggies: other people’s emotions and genitals of the opposite sex. But, what about the practical stuff? You might have to put yourself on a whole new toenail clipping regimen. You wouldn’t even know which foods you like or dislike until you tried to eat a rutabaga and puked on someone’s shoes. You might not know you were allergic to peanuts until you woke up standing at the Pearly Gates asking St. Peter what the hell happened.

How does this new body react to caffeine? Alcohol? From years of experience, I know exactly how much I can drink in what timeframe after eating how much food. It’s a delicate balance involving equations and logarithms and the metric system. I don’t always follow my own carefully set guidelines but I know precisely what the consequences will be if I don’t. What if I woke up in the body of a lightweight that got smashed after one glass of wine? Sure, I’d save a lot of money but I’d also miss a lot of encores and late night breakfasts.

What about shampoo? Do I need a conditioner? Do I have dandruff? Which toothpaste and deodorant works best on my particular dental work and pits? Do I need the extra soft Charmin or is my bum just as happy with the bargain stuff?

I spend a lot of time in the shower.

That's Obscene!

Did you know that it’s illegal to possess, promote, or sell obscene material in the State of Texas? Did you also know that, in Texas, obscene material includes all that stuff you can buy at “fun parties?” I’ve been to a couple of those “fun parties.” I used to pretend I was enjoying myself but not anymore. There are some things I just don’t want to know about the sex lives of my family and friends. When I do go to one of those parties, I cower in the corner and pray nobody notices me as they discuss the quality and quantity of their orgasms and pass around devices and creams and some items that look just plain dangerous.

Back to the topic of the Texas definition of obscenity, what a person uses when she is in a self-satisfying sexual state of mind should be between her and Johnny Depp or , if she's in a particularly scary self-satisfying sexual state of mind, between her and Keith Richards. Certainly any accoutrement used between couples of any sexual orientation shouldn’t be under a Texas judge’s jurisdiction unless the judge happens to be part of the proceedings, so to speak

According to a news story yesterday, undercover Beaumont Narcotics and Vice officers went into three local businesses and purchased allegedly obscene items and then presented them to a judge who ruled that they were obscene. I would have liked to have heard the clerk’s conversations when the undercover persons left their shops, “Did you see what that dude bought? He didn’t even look like a freak. He looked like a cop or something.” Or, “Oh, my God! That woman just bought enough dildos to vibrate a small country.”

Sure, I heard that the shops that were raided sell butt plugs and other similarly exotic accessories but, if those items aren’t used at the corner of Dowlen and Phelan or under the clock at Parkdale Mall I don’t see where it’s the business of society at large.

The scariest part to me is, according to Lt. James Clay, Beaumont Police, "Everyone that works there can be charged. The owners can be charged because it's based on possession, promotion and sale. The clerk is responsible for the sale and the owner is responsible for purchasing the items and putting them in the store."

That means all of those arrested, including sales clerks, could be found guilty of violating obscenity laws and could face up to one year in jail and a $4,000 fine. Now, that's obscene.

Two Year Blog--aversary

My cousin Zina just pointed out to me that the two-year anniversary of this blog passed without nary a mention from me. Although you'll find posts dated prior to 10/4, those were just made to upload pictures and such. My first official post was on 10/4 and it was, appropriately, about New Orleans. I won't link to it so that you will be forced to peruse my prolific and entertaining archives. You don't have anything better to do today, right?

To all my longest blogging friends: Lorna, Wang Chi, JenT., Deek, Old Horsetail Snake, Se7en, Lauren in Lafayette (wherever you are...hope you're well), Astrid and Abby and Mark at Falafel Sex, it's been great fun.

To all my newer blogging friends, to quote Danny DeVito in Throw Mama From the Train, "Remember, a writer writes, always." This is one of the best modes of direct brain to brain communication I can think of and I love it. Keep writing even if you stop blogging.

Edited to add: I went back to see what I posted on 10/4/06, the actual anniversary, and it's the post about my dad being in remission and Pamy calling him "The Tumor-nator." That's appropriate, I think.

Orle Sex Anyone?

Someone arrived at this blog by doing a Yahoo search for "orle sex." After doing my own Yahoo search for "orle sex," I discovered the person was directed here because of the "orle" in the world Orleans and because of the "sex" in my post where I mention Falafel Sex.

I don't know if the searcher was an adult with a spelling malfunction or, possibly, a child who heard the term "oral sex" used by adults and, although they aren't old enough to know how to spell oral, they were clever enough to do a Yahoo search.

When I was in high school, our spanish speaking friends loved to throw around dirty phrases in spanish and then laugh at us because we didn't know what they were saying. So, it's possible that a non-english speaking person overheard the phrase "oral sex" and wondered what all the fuss was about and decided to hit Yahoo.

The confusion could have been avoided if the searcher had done a Google search. Google helpfully asks, "Did you mean: oral sex?"

Always, Mr. Google, always.