Tuesday, July 31, 2007

A little something to take the edge off my Sopranos addiction withdrawals

Jack, here's another reason for you to get cable. Click here for a better review than I could have written. While you're getting cable, be sure to get the DVR, too. The commercials on AMC will drive you nuts.

Just cleaning up a little karma

Acquiring the bad karma
A couple of months ago, I went to Best Buy and, when the cashier told me my total, I thought it was a little low but thought I must have stumbled upon a bargain. When I got to the car, I noticed that I hadn't been charged for a $20 item.

My initial reaction wasn't "hot damn, good for me." It was, "Dammit, I have to walk back in there and tell them." But, laziness won out and I didn't go back into the store. I felt bad about it all the way home until I opened the item and it was broken. While that eased my guilt a little, I could still feel the dark cloud of bad karma hanging over my head.

Cleaning up the bad karma
When I was balancing my checkbook Sunday, I noticed that my car dealership had charged my debit card $3.94 for a $49.94 oil change and wheel alignment. I called the dealership Monday and had to talk to three different people before anyone fully understood I was trying to GIVE them money.

Now, my karma is all even again. Namaste.

Monday, July 30, 2007

Worst Interviewer Ever

Watch this all the way to the end. You don't want to miss seeing the interviewer squint at the teleprompter and say the wrong television network in her signoff.

Sunday, July 29, 2007

Eww, Eww That Smell

Last week we had a special day at the office. One of the girls was giving free spa treatments at lunch time while one of the partners was serving lox and bagels in the other conference room with some smoked salmon he caught on a recent Alaska fishing trip.

I'll give you a moment to consider the combination of those two odors.


. .

. . .

Several hours after lunch a co-worker who works in that area of the building came into my office obviously distressed.

She said, "Something has GOT to be done. It smells like hoochies in a whore house over there! No, no! I'm not kidding! It smells like bath day at the nursing home! I can't stand it!"

I wonder if they make a Febreze for that.

Saturday, July 28, 2007

The Two Coreys - Feldman and Haim

The Two Coreys premieres tomorrow night (Sunday, 7/29) on A&E. I have my DVR set. Here's a clip.

What Really Happens to Child Stars

Add to My Profile | More Videos

Happy Birthday, Dad!

My dad's birthday was yesterday. Here is a little retrospective on some previous dad posts.

Dad Honored by Sertomas

Christmas Dad

Repeat After Me

Phone Message

Garage Sale

Did I Mention?

Thursday, July 26, 2007

Why do they sound so surprised?

The following stories were on the national news tonight and were presented with great emotion and oh so serious faces.

1. People with bad credit who were given home loans are defaulting on those loans in record numbers.
Why is this a surprise? They even did a segment on how to avoid foreclosure. A whole segment? Barring tragic circumstances, I can wrap up avoiding foreclosure in one sentence: Borrowers, don't borrow more money than you make and lenders, don't loan outrageous amounts of money to people with bad credit.

2. Terrorists are planning to attack the United States.
Yes. Yes, they are. This is what they do. This is the only thing they do. They blow things up and they plan to blow things up.

3. Alberto Gonzales might have committed perjury.
Might have? Might have? Alberto Gonzales can't even tell the truth convincingly.

3. (a) Oh, and by the way, the president stands behind him. That's another little "no shit" moment on the nightly news for you.

4. Cat is harbinger of death.
Okay, this one was good. To watch the video, click here.

Wednesday, July 25, 2007

Christmas 1962

I stole this picture from my sister Bonnie's MySpace page. I've mentioned before that dad is a professional clown and, among other things, a professional Santa's helper.

That's dad up there with Terry, Bonnie, Stuart and me.

Aren't we adorable?

Dark Chocolate Covered Espresso Beans

My name is Laurie.

I am addicted to dark chocolate covered espresso beans.

I would join a 12-step program, but my hands are too jittery to dial a phone.

Plus, I don't wanna.

Haiku to the Chocolate Covered Espresso Bean
Bitter little bean
Covered in creamy chocolate...
Lightning for my brain.

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

The Host is Right: Drew Carey Plinko This

After three decades of teasing my grandfather and then my mother about their addiction to The Price is Right and being certain that I would not share the same genetic affliction, CBS goes and makes Drew Carey the next host of the crack cocaine of game shows.

I like Drew Carey. He cracks me up. So, if I ever retire, which is not bloody likely, look for me to be sitting on the couch at 10:00 a.m. every day pricing whatever Drew's pushing in 2030.

Sunday, July 22, 2007

Ask and you shall receive...

Here are more pictures of Miss Ava at 9 days old. The first picture is of Ava's first time to play with one of her toys. Watching over her are mom, dad and "Brother Dog" Oakley.

Be sure to check my Flickr badge on the sidebar for more pictures. You can also click here if you can't find the badge.

A few shots of Oakley...

This one's for Great-Fabulous-Aunt Terry...

This one's for Carly...

My friend Carly and I are totally addicted to our Nintendo DS Lites. This is Cory testing his brain age while holding Ava. He's multi-talented.

Thursday, July 19, 2007

Water Spout in New Orleans Over Lake Ponchartrain Right Now!

My friend Jen T. who works in Baton Rouge just e-mailed me these pics sent to her by paralegals working in downtown New Orleans. Click here for a link to the news story.

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

A nice post about car repairs? Yes...really.

Some sheetrock on the ceiling of my garage fell and scratched up the side of my car. I called my insurance company on a Friday and they immediately put me on the phone with their recommended body shop which gave me an appointment for the following Monday morning.

I dropped off my car Monday and walked across the lobby to the rental car place and rented a car. My insurance guy called me every day to give me updates and my car was ready this afternoon, just two days later. It took about fifteen minutes to pick up my car and drop off my rental.

Everyone from beginning to end could not have been nicer and more accommodating and my car looks great. The purpose of this post is so that, if anyone Googles any of these companies and ends up here, they'll know that I highly recommend them.

Insurance: Progressive
Car Rental: Enterprise
Auto Body Shop: Collision & Classics, 550 IH 10 South, Beaumont, Texas (409) 842-2324

I have had occasion to use Progressive and Enterprise in the past and their service is always outstanding. Nobody wants to deal with car repairs, but when everything goes so smoothly, it sure helps ease the aggravation.

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

Ava Adventures - Part 3: The Delivery

At around 9:30 or 10:00 Thursday night, Jamie's step-dad came out of the labor room and said, "They're ready for you. They're going to start the pushing."

I said, "Me?"

He said, "Yeah."

This had not been previously discussed. I knew that Jamie's mom and Cory would be in the room for the delivery but we never talked about me being in there. After everything was over, Jamie told me, "You just had to be in there. You just had to be."

If I haven't mentioned it, yet, Cory and Jamie were amazing throughout the whole day. Cory seemed like he had been birthing babies his whole life and Jamie was a real trooper through about seventeen hours of labor.

When I got in the room, the nurse told Jamie's mom to stand on one side and hold Jamie's right leg and told Cory to stand on the other side and hold Jamie's left leg. She told me to stand behind Cory. This was perfect for me. Since I had basically been sedated for Cory's birth and have never even watched a video of an actual birth, I thought that was the safest place to be in case I toppled over or something.

The nurse was amazing and told everyone their duties. My duties were to remain upright at all times. That wasn't as easy as it sounds. A couple of times, I had to assume the position of a catcher behind home plate. It wasn't that I felt faint, I just felt better squatting down for a moment.

Cory turned around and I assured everyone I was okay. I told them I was just sort of hyperventilating because I was reflexively breathing like Jamie. The nurse said that was very common which made me feel better. Once I realized what I was doing, I concentrated on not being an idiot and amazingly felt better. After that, it was all about the baby.

From where I was standing I watched the expressions of the doctor (a beautiful Middle Eastern woman) and the fabulous nurse for indications of how Jamie was doing with her pushing. Every time Jamie would push, they would smile and tell her how great she was doing. I knew all was good.

At one point, the nurse looked at me standing over to the side behind Cory and said, "I didn't mean you had to stay back there the whole time."

"Oh, I'm doing just fine," I said. "You knew exactly where to put me."

After pushing for about 45 minutes, it was time for Ava to make her grand entrance. The doctor said, "It's a girl." Lisa and I hollered, Cory and Jamie kissed, the doctor placed Ava on Jamie's chest and Cory cut the cord.

Quickly after that, Ava was handed over to the nursery nurse for weighing and measuring and all that other stuff she does under the watchful eye of Jamie's mom and I. We just couldn't quit saying how beautiful she was. When we turned back to Jamie, the doctor was doing all the things she needed to do for Jamie.

Lisa and I started discussing the people who were waiting out in the waiting room and talking about who should go tell them and were talking about calling them with our cell phones when Jamie said, "Cory, you want to go out there and tell everybody?" Duh! We were so excited, we almost stepped on Cory's big moment.

When Cory came back from telling everyone, Lisa and I went out to the waiting room and were promptly sent back to the delivery room to take pictures. Duh, number two. We hadn't taken any video or pictures.

That gets you all caught up, I believe. Just another day in paradise.

Monday, July 16, 2007

More pics then read Ava Adventures - Part 2

Ava Adventures - Part 2: The Wait

I know I teased you with promises of the birthing stories; however, we must first revisit The Wait. Jamie and Cory had to be at the hospital for 5:00 a.m. They asked that everyone else arrive around 8:00 a.m. so they could get settled in. The induction began shortly after 5:00 a.m. and Miss Ava was born at 11:18 p.m. I'll let you do the math.

The maternity floor at the hospital has two waiting areas right across from each other. One is a more private area with about eight chairs, a Coke machine and a television. The other is out in the open and has another eight or so chairs. We, more or less, covered both areas (me, Terry, Katie, Jamie's sister and brother-in-law, Jamie's mom and step-dad, Jamie's dad and step-mom and Jamie's other sister and her two young sons.) We all took turns in the labor and delivery room with Cory and Jamie. However, those of us not in the labor room, were mostly settled into the more private room.

As the day went on, people would come and go to the labor/delivery room with updates and news for those in the waiting room. Then, someone else from the waiting room, would go back to the labor/delivery room to stare at Jamie. When not staring at Jamie, we mostly sat around and read or played Nintendo (both adults and children) and raided the vending machines. One of our main topics of conversation involved the pork chop dinner in the vending machine downstairs. Nobody had the nerve to try it. We did, however, consider buying it, dissecting it and sending it off to the lab.

The later it got, the more delirious everyone became.

  • Around 9:00 p.m., after twelve hours of waiting and worrying, Jamie's 8 year old nephew began to give everyone massages and did a great job of it.

  • When people would come into "our" waiting room to buy a drink from "our" Coke machine, we would strike up random conversations with them and then mock them when they left.

  • We discussed wrapping our t-shirts around our heads and peeing into our empty Coke bottles like that guy on Man vs. Wild (we had the television on The Discovery Channel all day).

  • We told Jamie's nephew that he could probably make some good money offering massages to other people waiting for babies to be born.

  • Being 8 years old, he took us literally and asked a man passing by "our" waiting room if he wanted a massage.

  • We're fairly certain that an announcement made over the speaker system was directed at one of our party after said party began offering rides in a wheelchair he found outside of the labor/delivery room.

Shortly after the wheelchair incident, I was summoned to the delivery room after being told that "the pushing is about to begin."

Tomorrow: Ava Adventures - Part 3: The Delivery

Saturday, July 14, 2007

Ava Adventures - Part 1

After a quick stop at Sonic for supper, my sister Terry, her daughter Katie and I left Beaumont Tuesday evening and headed to Houston. We checked into our Best Western hotel. It wasn't the "best" anything but it was our home for the next three days. Thanks to the loan of a bottle of Febreze from Cory and Jamie and after warming convenience store muffins in the microwave, we were pretty sure the next tenants would walk in and say, "Ah, muffins." We walked in and said, "What's that smell? Smells like pee."

Wednesday morning, Jamie was supposed to get to the hospital at 7:00 a.m. for her induction. We were going to meet them at the hospital at 9:00 a.m. Cory called me around 8:00 a.m. and said we had been pushed back to at least noon and for them to call back at that time before going to the hospital. As mentioned in a previous post, we were actually pushed all the way to Thursday.

So, we went to see the new Harry Potter and had an absolutely delicious lunch at Lupe Tortilla's before splitting up for nap time. After naps, Katie and I went back to Cory and Jamie's house. Sonic was again the winner for dinner time and, after Katie said she just wanted a corn dog, corn dogs became the theme of the evening. (See the picture on the previous post.) While eating our Sonic supper, we sat around and watched Ghost Hunters. Then, everyone went to their designated sleepy-time spots and went to bed.

Part 2 tomorrow:
"I don't know nothin' 'bout birthin' no babies."
(Yep, I was in the delivery room.)

Friday, July 13, 2007

Finally!! Pictures!!

Ava Allyse

Born: 7/12/07 at 11:18 p.m.

7 lb. 6 oz.

21 in. long

Isn't she beautiful?!

Sitting on the floor in the lobby of the hospital with Ava's very first birthday presents from Grandma Honey, Great Aunt Terry and Great Cousin Katie

Cory, Jamie and Ava

Cory, Jamie and Ava

Ava and Grandma Honey

To be continued...stories beginning tomorrow.

For more pictures, click here.

Thursday, July 12, 2007


Hello everyone. Baby sis here. The new Grand-fabulous mother just called. We have a baby girl. She was born at 11:18 pm. 21 inches. 7 lbs 6 oz. Laurie says she gorgeous and has dark curly hair. Everyone fine but sleepy. Including, new mom and dad and everyone that was there with them.

Laurie will be back with more details soon

Good night

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

"Not Yet"

As you might recall, when my son or daughter-in-law call me, the first words out of their mouths must be "not yet" if it isn't baby time. Jamie was supposed to be induced this morning, but the hospital called and told her to wait until noon and call again because too many natural births came in ahead of the inductions.

So, we all went to see the new Harry Potter movie. At noon, from the movie, Jamie called the hospital and they told her to call back at 2:30 p.m. At about 1:00 p.m., her sister texted her from the house saying that she should come to the hospital at 5:00 a.m. tomorrow.

So, we went to eat Mexican food.

Updates tomorrow...maybe.

Monday, July 09, 2007

Let's Waste Some Time

A Great "Oh, Crap" Moment

I was waiting for an elevator after working late one evening and, when the doors opened, there was a cleaning cart. You know the cart. It's the one the cleaning people use that has all their supplies on it. It was all alone in the elevator.

As I got on the elevator, I smiled to myself because I knew that, somewhere in the ten story building, a cleaning person stood patiently waiting for their cleaning cart to come back to them. There are four elevators, so all they could do was stand there on whatever floor they were on when their cleaning cart made its great escape and wait for it to return.

I was so amused by the cleaning cart on the empty elevator that I didn't notice that I got on an elevator that was going up instead of going down. When the door opened two floors above my floor, there stood the cleaning lady.

I said, "Hey! Lose something?"

She didn't find the whole situation nearly as amusing as I did.

Sunday, July 08, 2007

Recent Keyword Activity Here

Below are some recent keyword searches that directed people to this blog. I have left out the more filthy ones. There are some really strange people out there and some of them, accidentally, ended up here. At least, I hope it was by accident.

There have been funnier ones that these, but I can't remember what they were and I didn't write them down. I'm going to start keeping an ongoing list. Some of the funniest I've seen have been from evidently non-English speaking people who are trying to search for something phonetically. Poor bastards.

  • accidentally shipped 10 jager shot dispensers (I wonder why this is a problem.)

  • why are farts funny? (Let me count the ways.)

  • can you fly on a plane with a pelvic fracture (Why would you want to?)

  • how put my picture in my cap (Huh?)

  • weird stuff your girlfriend can do (More importantly, what weird stuff can YOUR girlfriend can do.)

  • can't drive without my family picture in my pocket! (Obviously, a big problem. Notice the exclamation point.)

  • new orleans, female pubic hair (Oddly specific.)

  • lyrics 'time passenger' al stewart (Time PASSAGES.)

  • waitress fart (Check please!)

  • laurie jagger (My secret is, evidently, out.)

  • Susan's fat ass (I have never, specifically, specified anyone's--except maybe my own--fat ass on this blog. With apologies to my cousin Susan and Susan in St. Paul, I found this one particularly funny.)

Saturday, July 07, 2007

Baby News and Internet Problems

I'm having internet issues so I'm going to make this quick.

If Jamie hasn't had my new grand-fabulous-baby before next Wednesday, she will be induced. I promise to post about it as quickly as I can but I don't know if I'll have internet access while I'm in Houston since I'll be staying in a hotel near the hospital rather than at their house.

Bye, bye, bye!!!

Flight of the Conchords

I have a new favorite show on HBO. It's called Flight of the Conchords. Here are a few videos.

Thursday, July 05, 2007

Babies Laughing

Anybody know a good handyman?

This morning I hit my garage door opener so I could put some trash out before leaving for work. The garage door partially opened and, suddenly, stopped. When I looked up, I noticed it was caught on a piece of sheetrock that had somehow loosened from my ceiling. I pushed the button for the garage door to go down which it did. Unfortunately, the sheetrock came down also...on my car.

Let's recap, shall we:
  • Front gate is sticking badly and the handle is pulling loose from the board it's attached to.
  • Glass on porch light is busted which I still haven't replaced since Hurricane Rita.
  • Storm door fell off of its hinges as I tried to open it last Saturday.
  • Sheetrock fell from ceiling in garage this morning.
  • Car is scratched from falling sheetrock.
  • My electric stapler at work just went totally berserk.
Oh, well, it could always be worse.
  • The sticky gate prevents pizza guys from bringing me fattening pizzas.
  • The busted porch light was the ONLY damage I had from Hurricane Rita.
  • The glass on the storm door didn't break and put my eye out.
  • The sheetrock didn't fall on my head.
  • The car only has minor scratches on the side which would have been a lot worse (including dented) if I had parked the car differently.
  • The electric stapler didn't succeed in its attempted assault on my index finger.
I'll post pictures tonight.

Wednesday, July 04, 2007

Cadillac Slim's

Beaumont is getting a new bar. Click on the post title to go to their MySpace page and read all about it. Sounds interesting.

Tuesday, July 03, 2007

My Brain Has an Age

I bought myself a present. It's the Nintendo DS Lite. I also bought the game Brain Age which is supposed to make me smarter.

When you first play the game, it tells you how old your brain is. My brain is 80 years old. However, my alter ego LuLu has a brain age of 55. I knew that bitch was smarter than me.

Sunday, July 01, 2007

Vaginas and such

I have a friend who recently had some surgery done on her girly parts. Before she was taken into surgery, the doctor came into her room and asked if she had any questions. She had been told by another friend that, after this particular procedure, she shouldn't swim or sit in a bathtub for at least a week. Since she had plans to go to the lake a couple of days after the surgery, she asked the doctor about swimming and sitting in a nice warm bath.

With her mom and dad standing on either side of her bed, the doctor didn't hestitate to tell my friend, "Oh, sure, it'll be fine to swim or take a bath. A lot of people think a vagina is this big huge hole that just sucks everything up into it. It doesn't. The walls collapse. Nothing can get up there."

Taking their shocked silences as disbelief, the doctor went on, "No, really. That's true."

When the doctor left the room, my friend's dad said, "Your doctor has an interesting...um..."

"Bedside manner?" my friend asked.

Her dad said, "Yeah, interesting."