Friday, March 31, 2006

How Married Can You Get?

I shared a room in New Orleans with my friends Kelly and Clay. That's Clay up there holding the tampons. I'm not sure how long Kelly and Clay have been married but it must be approaching the twenty year mark. This trip showed Clay exactly how married he is.

Saturday morning, Kelly informed us from the restroom that she had gotten a little surprise and needed some tampons. After calling all the women in our group and finding out that no one had any tampons, we called the front desk and found out that the souvenir shop next door to our hotel sold tampons.

Being the wonderful guy he is and not wanting to become divorced just shy of their twenty year (give or take a few years) anniversary, Clay left the hotel in pursuit of tampons and panty liners. After making his purchase, the clerk asked Clay if he wanted a bag. For some reason, Clay said no.

Clay is a laid back guy and walks at a very leisurely pace all the time. I don't think I've ever seen Clay walk faster than a stroll. So, picture Clay, casually sauntering down Bourbon Street at about 10:00 a.m. with tampons in one hand and panty liners in the other.

That's pretty damn married right there.

Miss New Orleans: Doggy Style

We (Laurie, "Jack", Terry, Dan, Steve and Melissa) went to see Little River Band tonight with a Journey tribute band as the opener at Cactus Canyon. I've seen both out at Crockett Street and enjoyed them more out there, not that it wasn't entertaining tonight. I might do a better review tomorrow or I might not.

In the meantime, check out Miss New Orleans: Doggy Style with props to the lovely Jack over at Wang Chi's House of Pancakes.

Word to yo mutha.

Wednesday, March 29, 2006

Caption Wanted

I know I promised more New Orleans stories tonight but when I uploaded this picture to Flickr last night it just screamed for a caption. Check out the guy behind my daughter-in-law's head (click on the picture for a bigger view). I didn't notice he was in the picture until last night.

Give me your best caption.

Tuesday, March 28, 2006

All of my New Orleans pictures are uploaded!

All of my New Orleans pictures are now uploaded. Check out Flickr on the sidebar or click on this link. I shall resume the New Orleans stories tomorrow.

Pictured: Terry, Christi and Melissa doing "something we've never done before at the Cat's Meow."


My dad hasn't been feeling well lately and we received results of the CT scan yesterday which showed "a spot on his pancreas." I apologize to all my family and friends who are hearing about this for the first time by reading it here but we just found out yesterday. I assume the next step will be a biopsy but I will keep you posted.

Edited to add:

A lot of people at work have told me of things that it might be that aren't all that serious so that is good to hear.

Here's my piece of morning advice to you: share your thoughts and feelings with your friends. They will always make you feel better.

Monday, March 27, 2006

Second Set of Pictures Uploaded to Flickr

The second set of pictures from our most recent New Orleans trip have been uploaded to Flicker. You can view them by clicking on the Flickr badge on the sidebar or by clicking this link.

Sunday, March 26, 2006

First Set of New Orleans Pictures Uploaded to Flickr

Check out Flickr over there on the sidebar to see the first set of New Orleans pictures I've uploaded from our recent trip. I'll try to load the rest tonight.

Saturday, March 25, 2006

War of the Worlds?

I just left my mom's house after watching War of the Worlds with my mom, dad, sister and two aunts. When I left my mom's house and turned the first corner, a speeding car came down the street and almost forced me into someone's front yard. "That was weird," I thought.

As I sat at the next stop sign waiting to make my turn onto Dowlen, I saw three cars racing down Dowlen Road right in front of me going well over the 40 mile per hour speed limit. If I had driven out onto Dowlen thinking I could make it before those three yo-yos, I would have gotten creamed. "Strange," thought I.

When I got to the light at Dowlen and Phelan, I took a left and as I drove in front of Burger King, I noticed the three Speed Racers still antagonizing each other and I decided they weren't racing at all. The crazy ass car in the middle was chasing the car in front of him with the third car following in hot pursuit. "Holy crap," said I to no one in particular.

As I took the next right toward my house, nothing happened.

After I took the next left, however, onto a narrow winding two-lane road, I noticed a car in front of me pass another car. I have lived in this town twenty years and driven down that road many times and I have never seen anyone try to pass someone, especially at night. "What the fuck?!" I shouted at my dashboard.

As I drove a short way further, still trying to figure out what the hell was happening on my half-mile drive home from my mother's house, a car coming toward me suddenly turned on his bright lights. I quickly flashed my brights, mostly checking to see if mine were on which might possibly have caused his freakish high beam attack, but mine weren't on. When I flashed him, he turned his off.

I don't know if you've seen Steven Speilberg's version of War of the Worlds lately but after the adrenaline rush of watching that movie (especially with my mom and her two excitable sisters), that was one wild ride home.

Heat Stroke and Jones Country

At dinner last night before the George Jones concert, I suddenly remembered the last time I saw George Jones. It was 1986 and it was Fourth of July weekend. It was also an outdoor concert at what was then known as Jones Country here in East Texas. Do you have any idea how hot it is outside in Texas on the Fourth of July?

However, on the show were the not-yet-famous, Mark Chesnutt, and his band Rimfire, simply known as Rimfire in those days, George Straight and George Jones. We had been following Mark locally for a while and when we found out he was opening for George Straight and George Jones, that was the icing on the cake that prompted the road trip.

I brought my son with me who was five years old at the time. Cory was an active child and, when he sat down beside me and laid his head in my lap mid-way through George Jones' set, I knew we had been in the sun too long. We tried our best to enjoy the show but, by God, it was HOT.

How hot was it? It was so hot that during George Jones' set, the fiddle player threw up on the piano player's back and neither of them missed a note. That's what I call professionals. It was disgusting but it was professional as hell.

Friday, March 24, 2006

We Interrupt Our Regularly Scheduled New Orleans Trip Programming...

Tonight we're going see George Jones and Merle Haggard at Ford Arena here in Beaumont.

Oh, yeah.

Thursday, March 23, 2006

Did I Tell You We Met Steve Buscemi in New Orleans?

Some of you might remember that on our October 2004 New Orleans trip, we saw Juliette Lewis at the Famous Door.

This year, on our last night in New Orleans, the lead singer in the band at the Famous Door announced, "Steve Buscemi is here tonight." He announced it about ten times and I didn't believe him any of the times he said it. As usual, when I see a celebrity in person, I never think it's really them. I've been to Las Vegas about eight times and I've been to New Orleans about fifteen or twenty times. I'm sure I've seen lots of celebrities and maybe even spoke to some of them and never knew it.

My sister, Terry, who isn't the least bit shy about such things went up to Steve Buscemi and started talking to him and swore that it was really him. I snuck a picture of him from my covert position at the end of the stage so I could check it out later. That's the picture below.

After a little forensic dental examination, I compared the teeth on the picture I took of Steve Buscemi to one I found on the web and I would say I'm 99.9% sure that it was actually him.

I suppose this story is a bit anti-climactic for you after my week long blog tease but it was pretty cool for me and, in the end, that's all that matters, isn't it?

Wednesday, March 22, 2006

Pour Some Sugar on Me

Cory, Jame and me at Cafe DuMonde around 2:00 a.m. Friday morning after looking for ghosts down Pirate's Alley.

Now, what was I talking about? Oh, yeah, Steve Buscemi...

Tuesday, March 21, 2006

Have You Ever Seen the Inside of a New Orleans Jail?

On our last night in New Orleans, our group was upstairs at the Cat's Meow. I like being downstairs at the Cat's Meow, but I quickly get bored upstairs. Despite the fact that Christi, Terry and Melissa were forming a pyramid in the corner, I was getting not only bored but restless. About that time, Melissa broke away from the pyramid building and came up to me and asked if I wanted to go down to Bourbon street and catch beads. I said, "Hell, yes."

Once we got down to Bourbon Street, the bead catching lost its allure and we hollered up to our friends on the balcony that we were going to the Famous Door. They hollered back for us to wait for them and they would be right down. We waited about ten minutes...okay, it was more like five seconds...then, Melissa and I sprinted away down Bourbon Street.

When we got to Big Daddy's, the strip club right across the street from our hotel, Melissa and I realized that, although we'd been staying at the same hotel for the last ten or so years, we had never been inside Big Daddy's. How rude of us.

We went inside and watched a few strippers, most of whom were a bit past their prime. We did, however, like Heather and Jasmine. I was going to ask Jasmine if she was wearing makeup on her nipples but I didn't know if that was proper strip club etiquette. After we finished our required one drink minimum, we moved on.

When we got outside, I told Melissa to stand in front of the sign so I could take her picture. All weekend I had been telling people that, no matter how nice a person looks, never give them your camera when they ask, "Would you like to be in the picture, too? Let me take it for you," because they might run away with your camera. So, when the first guy who walked up to me on Bourbon Street, as I was exiting a strip club, asked, "Would you like to be in the picture, too? Let me take it for you." I said, "Sure," and handed him my camera.  Picture above.

The guy who took the picture looked like that big nurse guy on ER and he had a friend with him who also looked normal, relatively speaking. However, they were with the Charles Manson looking guy you can see with me and Melissa in the above picture. They claimed Charles Manson Guy was ER Nurse Guy's brother-in-law. We discussed the weather and such with this trio until the club next door caught my eye: Live Sex Acts. We were intrigued.

As soon as we walked into the club, a woman latched onto Charles Manson. Charles Manson offered to pay the guy "stripper" a dollar to let Melissa "touch it." For the record, a dollar in a live-sex-acts strip club will buy you a nice guy in boxers with a funny little pouch in front that holds "it" who will sit and chat with you.

In case you're wondering what goes on in a club called Live Sex Acts, here it is. There was one stripper in the place who would half-heartedly dance in twenty second increments near the bed on the stage, disappear and reappear to do a little more dancing. Whether the music was playing or not was irrelevant. Then, there was Pouch Guy and Chatty Woman who were sitting with us. That's it.  Three "performers."

I kept asking everyone, "Where are the live sex acts? The sign says live sex acts. I don't see no stinkin' live sex acts." Pouch Guy said, "You can go up there, if you want." I said, "Are those sheets clean? Those sheets don't look clean." Note to self: Next trip, bring clean sheets and Lysol for my Live Sex Acts routine.

As one of the normal guys and I made small talk (he was an entrepreneur...I met several entrepreneurs over the weekend...there are a lot of "entrepreneurs" on Bourbon Street) our conversation turned to football for some reason. These guys were from Philadelphia and Dallas is getting one of their players or something. I said, "Dude, the last time I was excited about football, it had something to do with the Dallas Cowboys...or the Houston Oilers...and Neon Deion...or something."

At that point, my attention was diverted when I overheard Charles Manson ask Melissa if she had ever seen the inside of a New Orleans jail. He followed up that zinger with, "Have you ever robbed anybody?" There we sat with two semi-normal guys, Charles Manson, Chatty Woman (whose outfit had cutouts so her nipples would stick out) and Pouch Guy. It was time for us to make our exit.

Melissa said, "I think it's time for us to leave. My HUSBAND is going to be wondering where I'm at." I said, "Yeah, we're here with about FIFTEEN people and I'm sure they're all out there looking for us." Nobody moved. They all kept sitting there like we were hanging out in someone's living room on a Tuesday night. Finally, Entrepreneur Guy said, "Why are we sitting in here when Bourbon Street is right outside that door?"

To paraphrase Lynyrd Skynyrd, that was the sign we'd been waiting for. They gave us three steps, mister, and we headed right toward the door. When we got outside, Melissa called her husband and we caught up with everyone at the Famous Door. They were annoyed with us for scaring them half to death by disappearing, but also jealous of our adventure.

I told them it was their fault. They know better than to let me or Melissa out of their sight, let alone to let us both out of their sight at the same time. Rookie mistake.

Oh, did I tell y'all we met Steve Buscemi...


Monday, March 20, 2006

Have You Ever Robbed Somebody?

This is the picture we took at Pat O'Brien's Saturday afternoon.

Before our trip, whenever I would watch anything on television about Hurricane Katrina, whether it was PBS or Discovery Channel or Food Network, I would inevitably be crying by the end of it. We've been taking these trips to New Orleans once or twice (sometimes three times) a year for the last twelve years. When you go anywhere that often, you develop as much emotion for the people as you do for the destination.

So, when I would see something on television about the destroyed homes and lives interrupted, I would think of all of the people we've met there who were so kind and funny and full of life. We're the kind of patrons who, as often as not, enjoy the people who work in the stores and restaurants and bars and hotels wherever we happen to be and develop very nice and meaningful one or two hour superficial relationships with whoever happens to be helping us at the time.

The reason I won't be crying anymore when I see those programs on television is because of the sweet restroom lady who we've talked to in the bathroom at Pat O'Brien's a million times and who was still there. She lost everything and is living with her sister but her faith and resilience were palpable and it felt like each time she told her story that maybe the support she felt from everyone who goes in there might be making her a little stronger each day.

I came across people like her throughout my visit: the lady singing as she was straightening rooms in our hotel (I asked her if she was happy cleaning that room as I passed her in the hall and she said with a smile, "Sure am. I have to be somewhere. I just as soon be here."), the ladies who made us toast and English muffins every morning in the hotel restaurant who made you feel like it was your mom asking you what you wanted for breakfast, the people in the parades who I can only imagine what they must be living through.

So, no more tears. If they can suck it up, so can I.

Oh, about that title to this post, tomorrow's New Orleans tale:

Laurie and Melissa go to a strip club and almost join a gang.

Stay tuned.

She's Baaaaa-aaaack!

What a wonderful trip. The French Quarter is definitely open for business. I have at least a month's worth of posts from this trip and over 400 pictures.

I'm not sure if I'll post tonight because I have to go to Lowe's and shop for the stripper pole I'm going to install in my bedroom.

Tuesday, March 14, 2006


This blog is closed until Tuesday, March 21.

Monday, March 13, 2006

Thirty Minute Meals - Forget About It

  1. Cook some Uncle Ben's Ready Rice - 90 seconds
  2. Cook any variety of Bird's Eye Frozen Vegetables with Sauce - 4 minutes
  3. Heat some precooked chicken or beef - 1 minute
  4. Stir it all together.
  5. Eat.

Sunday, March 12, 2006

Sex Offenders in Your Neighborhood

Click on this website and enter your address. The map will show a house icon. That house is your house. The other colored boxes are the homes of sex offenders. If you click on the individual boxes you will see a name and picture of the person along with his crime.

Saturday, March 11, 2006

Fun With Anagrams

This is an automatic anagram generator. Here's how my name plays out...

Laurie Kay Ransonette Anderson
anagrams to
Radiantly keen erroneous Satan

Laurie Kay Anderson
anagrams to
Darkly arouse inane

Friday, March 10, 2006

You Dirty Rat

Rat Squirrel Not Extinct After All
My cousin, Zina, sent along this picture and article about an animal thought to be long extinct. She thought it would go nicely with the other weird animal posts on this blog. By George, I think she's right.

Thursday, March 09, 2006

Fresh Baked: Burner Brownies

It occurred to me a couple of days ago that I grew up in the 70's and never (that I know of) ate marijuana brownies. Then, I began to wonder, exactly how would one go about making such a thing? As you might have guessed, there are lots of sites out there that will tell you just how to do that. I won't link to those sites here because I think you should work for your buzz.

Evidently, cooking with marijuana involves combining the marijuana with butter and straining through cheese cloth and various other kitchen/cooking type activities. One site advises that you and your guests wait an hour after eating a brownie (or cookie or piece of cake - there are lots of ways to cook with marijuana) because the buzz is different and even experienced pot smokers might not recognize that they are already high before grabbing for that next treat.

So, Google on Garth, or, if you prefer, YAHOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!

Here's a poll:

Wednesday, March 08, 2006

The Mighty Boosh

I love it and I don't know why. (You can watch it on BBC America if you live on the wrong side of the pond.)

Tuesday, March 07, 2006

Sufferin' Succotash

Beaumont's Least Greatest Lover

On the local news tonight was the story of a 15 year old boy looking for love in all the wrong places.

His misguided escapades began at 12:17 a.m. when police were called to a home here in Beaumont where the daughter of the homeowner woke to find the partially dressed young man in her bedroom. When the girl screamed, her mother chased him out of the house.

At 12:34 a.m. police were called to another home in the next block where an elderly woman, who had fallen asleep on her couch, woke up to find the boy kneeling in front of her saying he wanted to sleep with her. She told the reporter that all she could see were huge round glasses staring at her. She was able to fight him off and wrestle a pair of scissors from him. After being man-handled by granny, the boy fled the premises.

At approximately 12:45 a.m., the police received a third call from a nearby house where the homeowners noticed someone trying to break into their house. Unable to gain entry, the sex crazed teenager moved on.

Two minutes later, at 12:47 a.m. police received a call from another neighbor who reported hearing glass breaking. Casanova's luck had finally run out. Police caught him inside the home and arrested him.

The boy gets points for perseverance.

Monday, March 06, 2006

How to Talk to a Human

My friend Susan at A Silly Man sent me an e-mail tonight which included a link to a website with information on how to get past the recorded messages when you phone a company so that you can speak directly to a real person (

The strange thing about receiving this e-mail tonight is that I was in desperate need of this list Saturday morning. My upstairs toilet quit working and I was freaking out because I didn't know if I had a plumbing emergency on my hands or just some mysterious broken toilet part. All toilet parts are mysterious to me.

When I called my home warranty company, it was exactly like that guy on the television commercial where you have to say words instead of punching numbers on the telephone's keypad. When the voice asked for my street name, I was tempted to say "Big Boy" but I resisted.

When I got to the end of all of the voice prompts and was not given the choice to talk to a person, I became frantic. By answering the question, "Are any of your systems completely disabled?" with the word "No", I was told that I would be contacted by a technician on Monday and the call disconnected. Monday!

I was finally able to speak to a real person by calling the number you have to call to purchase a new home warranty. That nice lady told me that every company has a word you can say to get past the recordings and, if you don't know that word, all you have to do is remain completely silent through all prompts. When you are completely silent, the system assumes you might be handicapped in some way and sends you to a human.

I'm still waiting for my toilet to be fixed but, if I need to talk to a human type person about it, I know the super secret password.

Sunday, March 05, 2006

Mardi Gras - Mondo Kayo

My friend, Tim, over at Tim's Nameless Blog has a wonderful post up today about he and his family marching in Mardi Gras this year in the Mondo Kayo group. (The picture above isn't him. It's just something I got off of Google Images.)

Saturday, March 04, 2006

Pregnancy Belly Art

I saw an ad in our local newspaper for Mommy and Me belly casts. I thought, "Surely, this isn't what I think it is." Surely, it was. The pictures below are from Mommie and Me Molds.

Here is another site with more examples and a photo of a lady in the plaster mold, pre-decoration.

Feel free to blast me for having this opinion but I find this to be one of the most disturbing and tasteless trends to come down the pipe in a long time. Are these people actually hanging these things on the walls in their homes? Perhaps, they're using them as salad bowls or potpourri holders.

The thought of my pregnancy outie being on display for all to see for posterity is bad enough but to have it painted and decorated, with pink flamingos, no less, or NASCAR (?!), is nightmare inducing, therapy required territory.

Friday, March 03, 2006


My Ramone's stuff already came in! Look for that hat on the Bourbocam in a couple of weeks.

The Reason I Fell Asleep Before Posting Last Night

Madam Rita's Seduction
Coat martini glass with Hershey's chocolate syrup then fill with:
Vanilla Vodka
Godiva Dark Chocolate Liquer
Bailey's Irish Creme
White Cream de Cocao

Wednesday, March 01, 2006

More Keyword Help

In order to assist people who arrive here through various and sundry keyword searches, from time to time I will try to provide an answer to what I interpret the question might be from the search phrase found in my stat counter.

For obvious reasons, the most popular search phrases for this blog for the past few days have been every conceivable combination of the words: boobs, New Orleans, Bourbon Street, breasts, tits, naked and Mardi Gras. For those search phrases, I feel that no explanation is needed and I am also certain that after they hit this blog, they moved along rather quickly.

Here are some other recent search phrases (which are exactly as I found them in my stat counter) which brought people here:
  1. smelly people with big hats - Sounds a lot like my Aunt Hilda but I need more information.
  2. teenage girls who fight their mother - Cage match or trailer park? Once again, I need more info.
  3. miss vibration 5 - This would be the upgrade from Miss Vibration 4. Miss Vibration 5 includes a clutch and a kick starter.
  4. tittie miss - Popular beauty contest created after the failures of Tittie Ms., Tittie Mrs. and Tittie Mr.
  5. her mom's car out - Out of gas? Out of town? Out of the garage? I'm not sure what you're looking for on this one but it's a safe guess that you should put mom's car back in.
  6. bouncer assaulting customers - It happens and it ain't pretty.
  7. miss canada vs miss new orleans - Lorna vs. Laurie? I think I could take her.