Saturday, July 08, 2006

In Laurie's (and Jen's and Destiny's) Brains - Hallsnark Cards

A year or so ago, there were five of us at work who would e-mail each other occasionally during the day if something was on our little minds. We would solve all problems (real and imagined, physical and emotional) and then go on with our day. Three of the girls, including Jen, have left the firm but Fav File Clerk and I continue our e-mail connection with Jen. Friday, Jen was having to deal with a difficult co-worker and, from suggestions on little notes to leave on the offender's desk, we progressed to imaginary greeting cards.

Disclaimer: We do not hate our ex-es, their families or friends. We are not lesbians. We don't think Jewish people are going to hell. We are not dangerous anarchists. These are politically incorrect. These have no basis in fact in our real actual lives. (Those that were easily recognizable pertaining to actual people were hilarious and, for our own protection, will not appear here.) We ARE probably going to hell.

Outside: Happy Birthday, asshole! Thought you should know…
The bad news: Someone pisses in your coffee every morning.
The good news: They’re on steroids so your fast ball should improve.

Outside: You’ve eked out another long year with us assholes.
Inside: Isn’t it about time for you to kick the bucket? Happy birthday, you crotchety bitch.

Outside: You’ve made it another year.
Inside: Now I have to hunt down that hit man for my money back. Have a great birthday, coozeball.

Outside: Happy Birthday to my ex-husband’s lovely new wife.
Inside: Better you than me.

Outside: Happy Birthday to my ex’s best loser, asshole friend.
Inside: May you rot in hell with your fucking low-life, fuck-tard, dope-head buddy. Have a nice day.

Outside: Happy Birthday to my Best Guy Friend’s New Girlfriend!
Inside: Yeah, I fucked him.

Outside: Happy Birthday To My Lovah’s Sick-Ass Perverted Best Friend
Inside: Oh, yeah. They’re real and they’re fantastic.

Outside: Merry Christmas, Rabbi!
Inside: You do know you’re going to hell, right?

Outside: Happy Birthday to the bitch that slept with my boyfriend.
Inside: Eat shit and die.

Outside: Happy Birthday to the bitch that slept with my husband.
Inside: I have some ointment you’re going to need.

Outside: To the man I want to have babies with
Inside: Shoot me up with some man juice!

Outside: To the guy I slept with sometime in July last year…
Inside: We have been invited to appear on the Maury Povich show. Happy Father’s Day.

Outside: My eggs are getting older, your sperm is getting colder
Inside: Knock me up now, before I hit you with a boulder

Outside: To my ex boyfriend’s new girlfriend
Inside: I taught him that thing you like

Outside: To the man I married…
Inside: …we’ve been invited to appear on the Maury Povich show. Happy Father’s Day…sort of.

Outside: To my boss on my last day
Inside: I sabotaged the…oops, gotta go. See you in hell, dickhead.

Outside: To my lesbian lovah
Inside: It’s been great, It’s been like a song, I love you dearly, but I need me some schlong.

Outside: Happy Birthday, mother.
Inside: You changed my diapers when I was a tot; But, change your diapers, I will not. Pick a home already.

Outside: I’m sorry I have to break up with you.
Inside: But, size does matter. Ask your brother.

Outside: Happy Anniversary to my other half.
Inside: Pack your shit, I want a divorce.


Jen T. (that's me) said...

Bahaha! We are so funny!

Lorna said...

Just getting caught up---I've been on your site for about 20 minutes, and I'm a) in love and lust b) on a search for a huge doobie c) all caught up on celebrities and d) contemplating a new career as a birthday jingle-writer. You're so inspiring!

cindybindy said...

hahaha. when you get to hell, save me a seat :) those were hilarious.

Laurie said...

Jen - Tres clever.

Lorna - Then, my work here is done.

Cindy - We sure do miss Davie but I know you do, too. Did you watch Rock Star? That wild crazy chick that sang Nirvana reminded me of a good way. :)

Peter said...

Outside: Happy Birthday to the bitch that slept with my husband.
Inside: I have some ointment you’re going to need.

They are all great but that's my fav.

Popeye said...

Those are damn, damn funny. You could make a little money on these. . .

Laurie said...

Peter - Thanks! I didn't say who wrote what in the post because each one inspired the next. However, my ego won't let me pass up the opportunity to tell you that one is mine.

Laurie said...

Popeye - I'll settle for a job on Letterman or the Daily Show. :)

Shelli said...

Glad I stopped by your site today! You are funnier than h*ll! Laughing my a** off!

Laurie said...

Shelli - :)

TOM said...

Very funny!!!!

Laurie said...

TOM - Thanks!

Renee said...

Those were fucking awesome! I am crying tears of laughter here! You fucking ROCK!!

Laurie said...

Renee - Wow, thanks.