Not Good

A couple of days ago, during our lunch hour, Carly and I were looking for the Saturday Night Live video of the Sanjaya spoof on her computer. While searching for that video, we came across the Justin Timberlake Christmas video which is a lovely little ditty about dicks in boxes. Both videos are below.

(At the mention of dicks in boxes, those of you who didn't click on the second video when I first posted it rushed over there, didn't you?)

Now I have a problem. Actually, I have two problems. The first problem is, since I watched the video, the slightest thing will cause that song to run through my head and I'm afraid I'm going to accidentally start singing it out loud ("It's my dick in a box.")

The second problem is, every time I open the door to go to Carly's part of the office, all I can think of is dicks in boxes. It's getting really hard (no pun intended) to come up with excuses to explain why I have a big smile on my face every time I open that door.

Bless me father for I have...sinned?

I have a confession or two to make regarding my Lenten giving-things-up plan. I haven't done as well this year as I did last year. However, last year I gave up one thing and didn't cheat. This year I gave up three things and cheated twice. That's not so bad, is it?

I gave up drinking; but On St. Patrick's Day, I drank ONE Long Island Tea. Hey, if you're going to bust a promise to God, you might as well go big, right? It didn't get me drunk, so I'm not really sure it counts. Actually, I didn't even get a buzz. I also gave up shopping, but I bought this over the weekend along with $50 worth of karaoke CDs.

I still have two weeks of Lent to go and I'm going to muddle through. Here's my shopping list for the first opportunity I have to do some shopping right after I get back from a week at the beach which will, no doubt, include about six weeks worth of alcohol. Hmmm, that's about the length of Lent, isn't it? I guess I didn't buy much Heaven time with this little show of devotion after all.

• Elliott Yamin's new CD
• more karaoke CDs
• Perfume: Escape, Euphoria
• sandals
• summer clothes
• weights
• shredder
• DVD-R/VHS for my DVR machine
• one of those cool car battery jumpers you plug into your cigarette lighter
• fireproof box (I FINALLY GOT MY PASSPORT!!)
• electric drill/screwdriver (I have some remodeling to do)
• electric toothbrush (mine bit the dust...BIT the dust...get it?)
• charger for my new cell phone (my son gave it to me...I didn't buy it)
• leather case for my new phone
• big ass trip to SAM'S!
• browse my Amazon.com shopping cart and buy more stuff

Come on Easter!

American Idol

What a strange year this is.

• Last week I didn't like Phil or Gina at all and this week they were both very good.
• Don't hate me, but I give Sanjaya props for not cowering at all the ridicule he must undoubtedly know he's receiving and come out with a six inch high ponytail mohawk.
• Since Sanjaya is obviously bulletproof and, as Simon so aptly said, in his own universe, I think Chris Sligh will be the one to go home this week.

New This Week in Wolfgang's Vault

• Lou Reed Bottom Line 05/11/1977
• James Taylor Berkeley Community Theatre 05/29/1970
• The Animals Chance 09/07/1983
• Jefferson Airplane Fillmore Auditorium 10/16/1966
• Joan Armatrading Bottom Line 04/05/1977
  

Don't Say I Didn't Show You Something

While Carly and I were looking for this:



We found this:

Ghost Hunters Radio!

From a MySpace bulletin I received this morning:

• Beyond Reality with Jay and Grant! A new on-air LIVE radio show with Jason Hawes and Grant Wilson from TAPS and the SciFi Channel's Ghost Hunters. A lively show full of the paranormal from angles you've never heard before.


• We will be live, unedited and able to take YOUR CALLS! Funny, controversial, education and sometimes downright weird.Tune in to AM 630 WPRO every Saturday night starting April 21st from 8-10pm EST! Or catch the internet stream here. Don't miss it!

They also have a magazine.

Lucky Me!

I just received a piece of junk e-mail saying, "We have approved your loan!" Hot damn! It's good to know that total strangers are willing to loan me money even before I ask them for it.

That's even better than the one I received a few weeks ago from a lovely person named "Splashing Twat" who was offering me excellent prices on erectile dysfunction medications. I would think that someone named "Splashing Twat" would know all about that sort of thing.

Texas Unidentified Missing Persons Online Bulletin

Here is another interesting site. It's the Texas Unidentified Missing Person Online Bulletin. My sister Bonnie found this one a while back. However, I had just posted all that stuff about unusual deaths so I though I'd wait a while before posting this.

Click on the picture beside each entry for more details.

Another Trip to Houston

I went back to Houston this weekend to visit Cory and Jamie. That's Jamie up there getting bigger and hungrier every day. We did some shopping and some eating and watched a few DVDs and relaxed, relaxed, relaxed.

We ate at Freebirds which has build-your-own burritos. We also had some outstanding sushi at Sushi Coast. At Sushi Coast we ate a delicious dessert, but we were so excited when we saw it, I forgot to take a picture until it was all gone.

I also took a little video of their dog Oakley which is below.

Grindhouse

Tarantino?

Rodriguez?

How could you go wrong?

Opening 4/6/07.

(Click on the post title to go to the official website.)

President Bush, I'm Confused.

I'm a simple person. I try to not pay attention to politics as much as I possibly can. However, I have a question and any insight anyone can give me would be greatly appreciated.

Allegedly, President Bush and his Gang (Posse, if you prefer) fired a bunch of United States Attorneys. These firings, for the most part, were not justified. I realize that these are not yet facts and are, at this point, only speculation. However, I don't trust Karl Rove as far as I could throw him and, believe me when I tell you, that ain't very far.

Now, the president says he will not allow certain parties to testify under oath even though they might be (may have already been, at this point) subpoenaed?! Would someone please tell me how this is legal by any stretch of the imagination?

Doesn't a subpoena compel a person to appear and testify under oath, no matter who your boss is? Isn't the whole purpose of having three separate branches of govenment to prevent such blatant...I mean...supposed abuses of power?

Cheap Obscure Places to Eat in New York City

I was watching an episode of Anthony Bourdain's show (Anthony Bourdain: No Reservations) on the Travel Channel in which he went to Las Vegas and there was a guy on that episode named Michael Ruhlman. I became a regular reader of Michael Ruhlman's blog and, after Anthony Bourdain did a guest blog post there, I left a comment in response to a request for future ideas for Bourdain to post about.

My suggestion for a future blog post was for him to talk about "cheap and obscure" places for a little Texas girl (that would be me) to eat whenever she finally makes it to New York City (one of these days). A fellow commenter and regular reader of Ruhlman's blog responded to my comment with a fabulous list of places to try.

Thanks C. Greco! The information is terrific. Here you go everybody. Enjoy.

Street Food:

• Don't be scared to eat street food. "Halal" food is the Muslim form of kosher - supervised by an imam, killed to minimize suffering, and to strict hygenic standards.
• Hot dogs are in two forms - boiled (a/k/a, "dirty water dogs"), or grilled (my preference, but then again, I eat anything with a grill mark on it).
• And the best souvlaki guy (Greek) is at 55th and Lex, on the southeast corner, next to Starbucks.
• But you might come across the Carribean guys (goat roti, etc.), the Indian guys, the falafel/shish Arabic guys (see above), the fruit smoothy guys, etc., etc. So eat already.
• Bourdain's favorite dogs are at any of the Papaya King joints, which makes sense, because he lives in Manhattan. (Papaya King is an offshoot of Gray's Papaya - I think it was a brother-against-brother dog war, but can't recall, exactly. Either will do.)
• But since I'm married to a Brooklynite and live in Brooklyn (although I am Manhattan-born), I gotta go with Nathan's in Coney Island, if you have time to schlep out there.
• The best souvlaki guy? Lexington and 55th, right outside Starbucks.
• My advice is, if you can't get it in the Texas hinterlands - then eat it.

Pizza:

• The best, in my book, is the ultra-thin, crispy pies served at Grimaldi's, just a subway ride across the water from Manhattan to Brooklyn.
• (And Jacques Torres Chocolate is a block away.)
• In Manhattan, John's Original Brick Oven Pizza on Bleecker is my recommendation, but you have to order a whole pie.

Chinese:

• Chinese food is, by and large, cheaper than most cuisines in NYC.
• My recommendation is to head into Chinatown - right next to Little Italy, by the way. (Chunks of it, like Mott and Bayard, used to be Little Italy.)
• Golden Unicorn - hardcore authentic. Chicken feet are on the menu, but the menu is in English, so fear not. Cantonese.
• Wo Hop - a New York favorite for insomniacs, students and musicians for, oh man, at least 30 years that I know about. Cantonese.
• Big Wong's. Cantonese.
• X.O. - supercheap. Cantonese.
• Joe's Shanghai - Shanghainese. Cheap and good.
• Go-Go - dim sum. Cantonese. (But a lot of these other places serve dim sum, too.)
• Peking Duck House - Pekinese. Only if you must have Peking Duck. This is the duck Holy Grail.
• One of the best Chinese places in NYC is across the water in Queens (Flushing) - Sweet & Tasty - but unless you're in Queens (and no one is EVER in Queens, unless you live there or are going on the Flushing "food crawl"), stick with Chinatown.
• Plus, if you want to load up on hard-to-get Chinese ingredients, there are tons of markets for herbs, spices, dried shrimp, pastes, etc. Follow your nose.
• OH, ONE CHELSEA FAVORITE: Rickshaw Dumpling, on 23rd between 5th/6th. Sit down, take out - great dumplings, with a variety of build-your-own dumplings-in-broth bases, if you want. Every time I take a class at ICE (Institute of Culinary Education, across the street), they're my lunch guys.

Miscellaneous:

• A Salt and Battery - best fish n' chips in NYC. Authentic Brit "chippie" shop, heavily populated by homesick rugby players. (I was raised in Hong Kong and went to British schools - this is the most real you'll get outside of the British Isles).
• Daisy May's - voted NYC's best BBQ, second year in a row. They also have BBQ trucks in various places in the city if you can't get to the restaurant. Yes, I know you're from Texas and this sounds like sacrilege, but hey - we let you guys do Italian . . . and bagels.
• Dumpling Man - if you can't get down to Chinatown, this is your best bet for quick n' cheap dumplings.
• Noodle Bar - Pan-Asian. Big fun.
• Risotteria - for risotto lovers only. Fairly inexpensive Village hang-out.
• Basically, there is food on EVERY corner in NYC - either there are take out places (a lot have sit down, too), delis, soup/salad/sandwich joints, and the street food vendors. So if you are really on a tight budget, hit the trucks. They have everything from soup to smoothies to dogs to souvlaki to shish (kebab), to Indian, fruit salads, and even crepes (52nd, I believe, between 5th & 6th -outside of the Museum of Modern Art).
• If a place looks good, go in. Most of the el cheapo places have their prices posted, anyway.
• Momofuku's (not Momofuku Ssam's) - AMAZING Berkshire pork belly steam buns, and not viciously expensive. They do a lot of eclectic Asian dishes - ramen, soup bowls, small bites, etc. If you get there after 7, though, you'll have to stand and wait - no reservations, and no seats while you wait. Turnover is quick, though...
• ...and Veneiro's Pastry is right down the block and around the corner on 1st Avenue/11th Street).

Italian:

• Gnocco Cafe
• Malatesta Trattoria
• Villa Mosconi
• Little Italy can be very touristy - avoid Grotto Azzura - but for some really good "red sauce" places, there's Taomina and the legendary Umberto's Clam House. (Do NOT make any mob-related jokes in there. Seriously.)
• And if you are in Little Italy, Ferrara's for Italian gelato, pastries, etc. It is 125 years old and beyond legend - mythic, in fact. It's only rival is Veneiro's, which, if you wind up going to Momfuku's, is up the block and around the corner. Chocolate chocolate-covered cannolis, is all I have to say . . . (!)

More helpful info:

• New York City subway map: http://www.nycsubway.org/maps/route.html
• If you're coming into La Guardia and don't have tons of luggage, there is a shuttle bus service that's a lot cheaper than a cab. (JFK has the train-to-the plane.)
• Citysearch.com will give the address, cross street and map (plus subway stop) to any place you're curious about.
  

American Idol

With apologies to all Phil and Gina fans, I think one of them will go home tonight. I would say Sanjaya will get the boot, but we all know he has that protective shield of inexplicable fandom protecting him. So, he’ll probably stick around until at least next week and God knows how long after that.

I was upstairs when Gina started singing and I thought, “What the hell is that?” It sounded horrible. I understand, now, why Simon turns his head and sometimes doesn’t watch the performers. When I played back the DVR of Gina’s performance, I was so distracted by her Edward Scissorhands hair-in-the-face affliction; I didn’t really notice how bad the vocals were.

As for Phil, he needs to sing a whole song well, not just the end. At this stage of the game, most of them haven’t built up enough of a fan base to stay on the show after a mediocre performance no matter how good they’ve done previously. That is, unless your name is Sanjaya.

New This Week in Wolfgang's Vault

Genesis Shrine Auditorium 01/24/1975

Booker T. & the MG's Winterland 06/08/1968

The Pretenders Palladium 05/30/1980

X L'Amour 11/26/1983

The Paul Butterfield Blues Band Fillmore Auditorium 10/14/1966

Blog Changes

Tonight, I'm going to work on changing my current modified classic Blogger template to one of the new Blogger templates. I've been working on adding labels to all my posts and changing to one of the new templates is the only way I can make the list of labels visible in my sidebar.

So, it's possible this blog might occasionally disappear completely and it's probable that it won't be very pretty for the next few days while I mess with it.

Wish me luck. I sure hope all the stuff I gave up for Lent will make up for all the cussing I'll be doing over the next few hours (days?). I wonder if I can type with my fingers crossed.

In the mind (and genitalia) of a binder clip...

Today I had three binder clips left in my binder clip tray. Before I added another box of binder clips to the tray, I removed those three binder clips so they would be on top of the newly added binder clips. The following conversation ensued:

Co-Worker 1: Why did you do that?

Me: Because, I didn’t want those last three binder clips to be sitting in the tray thinking they might not ever be used.

Co-Worker 1: Or, they might be thinking, “Thank, God! We made it through another week without having to leave our comfortable little tray.”

Co-Worker 2: Or, THEY MIGHT JUST BE FUCKING BINDER CLIPS!

Me: You think binder clips "do it?"

Co-Worker 1: If they can think, I suppose they can "do it."

Co-Worker 2: AAAAAAGGGGHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

K.O.C.A.

In a fit of sisterly sisterhood after rehashing our less than stellar weekends (by e-mail when we should have been working, of course) wherein within each of those same said weekends, we individually and collectively had reason to want to throw down and go bad ass on various and sundry parties (which same parties shall remain nameless), my email-sisterhood-former-coworkers to be known heretofore, herein, notwithstanding, as "The Wedding Party" have created a new club:

K.O.C.A

(Kiss Our Collective Asses)

You are all welcome to join. There is something quite satisfying in telling someone (if only virtually) to K.O.C.A. rather than simply "Kiss my ass." It feels like more of a team effort.

So, anyone who has a problem with us today may K.O.C.A. and, as my aunt would no doubt add: "Pack a lunch because it's going to take you a while."

Something I Stumbled Upon

Click Here

Pavlov's Dog(s)

I Got a Puck!

Bonnie and I went to a Wildcatter's hockey game tonight. They're in first place in their division of the ECHL and they won tonight and it was a great game and that's all well and good, but the important thing is: I GOT A PUCK!

Of course, after years of attending more concerts than hockey games, when I dropped Bonnie off, I kept shouting, "I GOT A PICK! I GOT A PICK!"

She said, "You didn't get a pick. You got a puck."

"Oh, yeah. That's right." I said. "I GOT A PUCK! I GOT A PUCK!"

I bought Bonnie and I two seats on the glass (front row for you non-hockey people) which makes the game very exciting...IF the action is on your end of the arena. That's a big "if." Most of the action was not on our end of the arena. So, we spent a lot of time talking and watching everything except hockey.

Toward the end of the game, we weren't really paying attention to anything in particular when Bonnie looked to our left and said, "What's that?" It sort of looked like a bird or something skipping along the seats. In a split second, I realized that it was a puck that had been shot all the way across the arena and it was headed straight at us.

Before even thinking about what I was doing, I jumped out of my chair, ran toward where the puck had landed and stared down a guy who was also going for the puck. I had the advantage, however, because I could actually see where the puck had landed while he only had a general idea of where it was. I grabbed the puck with an "in your face, sucka" move that would have impressed all of you.

Below are some more pics and a few videos.

Heaven is...

Heaven is in the simplicity of a Sonic grilled cheese sandwich.

(Okay, maybe I was really, really hungry, but that was a damn good sandwich.)

It's All My Fault

See what happens when I give up shopping for Lent:

• Retail sales excluding automobiles unexpectedly dropped 0.1 percent.
• The figures point to a gradual slowdown in consumer spending.

Stingaree Music Festival Schedule

Below are two versions of the schedule for the Stingaree Music Festival. One schedule is in time order and one is according to venue.

Ticket Prices:
Whole weekend: $65
or
Friday $25
Saturday $35
Sunday $25

First, by day:

Friday, April 13, 2007

Beer Garden Stage

• 2:00 - 2:45 Gougers
• 3:00 - 3:45 Graham Wilkinson
• 4:00 - 4:45 Dedringers
• 5:00 - 5:45 Medicine Show

Tiki Bar Stage

• 3:45 - 4:00 Romi Mayes
• 4:45 - 5:00 romi Mayes
• 5:45 - 6:15 Adam Carroll
• 11:00 - 11:45 Ryan Bingham

Tent Stage

• 6:30 - 7:00 Sam Baker
• 7:15 - 8:15 John Evans
• 8:30 - 9:30 Ray Wylie Hubbard
• 9:45 - 10:45 Hayes Carll

Saturday, April 14, 2007

Beer Garden Stage

• 12:00 - 12:35 David Lee Kaiser
• 12:50 - 1:35 Graham Wilkinson
• 1:50 - 2:35 Ryan Bingham
• 2:50 - 3:35 Deringers
• 3:50 - 4:45 John Evans

Tiki Bar Stage

• 2:35 - 2:50 Roger Marin
• 3:35 - 3:50 Roger Marin
• 5:00 - 6:15 Travis Linville
• 11:00 - 11:45 Combo Mahalo

Tent Stage

• 12:35 - 1:20 Graham Weber
• 1:35 - 2:20 Gougers
• 2:35 - 3:20 Sam Baker
• 3:30 - 4:00 Wrecks Bell
• 4:10 - 5:00 Adam Carroll
• 6:30 - 7:00 Jesse Dayton
• 7:15 - 8:15 Corb Lund
• 8:30 - 9:45 Todd Snider
• 10:00 - 10:45 Stone Coyotes

Sunday, April 15, 2007

Tiki Bar Stage

• 2:45 - 3:00 Graham Weber
• 3:45 - 4:00 Graham Weber
• 5:15 - 6:00 Medicine Show

Tent Stage

• 12:00 - 12:35 Travis Linville
• 12:45 - 1:30 Jesse Dayton
• 1:45 - 2:45 Canadian Songswap w/Corb, Romi and Roger
• 3:00 - 3:45 Sisters Morales
• 4:00 - 4:45 Hayes Carll

Now by time:

Friday, April 13, 2007

• 2:00 - 2:45 Gougers (Beer Garden Stage)
• 3:00 - 3:45 Graham Wilkinson (Beer Garden Stage)
• 3:45 - 4:00 Romie Mayes (Tiki Bar Stage)
• 4:00 - 4:45 Dedringers (Beer Garden Stage)
• 4:45 - 5:00 Romie Mayes (Tiki Bar Stage)
• 5:00 - 5:45 Medicine Show (Beer Garden Stage
• 5:45 - 6:15 Adam Carroll (Tiki Bar Stage)
• 6:30 - 7:00 Sam Baker (Tent Stage)
• 7:15 - 8:15 John Evans (Tent Stage)
• 8:30 - 9:30 Ray Wylie Hubbard (Tent Stage)
• 9:45 - 10:45 Hayes Carll (Tent Stage)
• 11:00 - 11:45 Ryan Bingham (Tiki Bar Stage

Saturday, April 14, 2007

• 12:00 - 12:35 David Lee Kaiser (Beer Garden Stage)
• 12:35 - 1:20 Graham Weber (Tent Stage)
• 12:50 - 1:35 Graham Wilkinson (Beer Garden Stage)
• 1:35 - 2:20 Gougers (Tent Stage)
• 1:50 - 2:35 Ryan Bingham (Beer Garden Stage)
• 2:35 - 2:50 Roger Marin (Tiki Bar Stage)
• 2:35 - 3:20 Sam Baker (Tent Stage)
• 2:50 - 3:35 Dedringers (Beer Garden Stage)
• 3:30 - 4:00 Wrecks Bell (Tent Stage)
• 3:35 - 3:50 Roger Marin (Tiki Bar Stage)
• 3:50 - 4:45 John Evans (Beer Garden Stage)
• 4:10 - 5:00 Adam Carroll (Tent Stage)
• 5:00 - 6:15 Travis Linville (Tiki Bar Stage)
• 6:30 - 7:00 Jesse Dayton (Tent Stage)
• 7:15 - 8:15 Corb Lund (Tent Stage)
• 8:30 - 9:45 Todd Snider (Tent Stage)
• 10:00 - 10:45 Stone Coyotes (Tent Stage)
• 11:00 - 11:45 Combo Maholo (Tiki Bar Stage)

Sunday, April 15, 2007

• 12:00 - 12:35 Travis Linville (Tent Stage)
• 12:45 - 1:30 Jesse Dayton (Tent Stage)
• 1:45 - 2:45 Canadian Songswap w/Corb, Romi and Roger (Tent Stage)
• 2:45 - 3:00 Graham Weber (Tiki Bar Stage)
• 3:00 - 3:45 Sister Morales (Tent Stage)
• 3:45 - 4:00 Graham Weber (Tiki Bar Stage)
• 4:00 - 4:45 Hayes Carll (Tent Stage)
• 5:15 - 6:00 Medicine Show (Tiki Bar Stage)

Faron Gilbert

I forgot to mention that Faron Gilbert opened for Charlie A'Court at Courville's last night and I really enjoyed his set. He said he hadn't picked up a guitar in about two years and, by the way he had to shake out his hands after every other song, I would guess that's true. I can't imagine how good he is after he's more warmed up by playing gigs on a regular basis. He only did one original song but it was great. I hope he starts performing more.

Courville's and American Idol

Tonight as I sat at Courville's with Jack watching the fabulous and indescribable Charlie A'Court (okay, I described him in this post the last time I saw him at Courville's), my mind briefly wandered to American Idol. It's not as much of a stretch as you might think.

This year, American Idol, has left me feeling a little, how shall I put this? Blah. It's a little...um...yeah, that's it...blah. I miss Bo Bice and Constantine. By God, I even miss Bucky. Remember George Huff and Jon Peter Lewis? Last year there were so many that I enjoyed: Ace, Elliott, Chris, Taylor. Oh yeah, there are girls on this show, too, aren't there? Stay with me. I'm trying to make a point.

Maybe it's because it's so early in the season, but I'm almost certain that I'm usually far more enthusiastic about the contestants than I have been this year. Then, to top it off, I get home from Courville's after watching the aforementioned incredibly talented Charlie A'Court and find out that freakin' Sanjaya is still around to torture me for another week.

The reason my mind wandered to American Idol while watching Charlie A'Court was because, as I watched this wonderfully talented man sing his heart out, I thought about all the talent all over the country that I still don't know about. Yet, American Idol can't come up with twelve people to grab my interest and excite me after auditioning hundreds of thousands of people.

Something is very wrong with this picture. I think next season, American Idol should skip the ridiculous audition process and head out to the small music venues across America and find the real talent that is out there. With some of that Coca Cola money, I'm sure they could even coax some of the "I wouldn't be caught dead on American Idol" crowd to give it a shot for one season.

One of These Days

One of these days I’m going to run away to the French Quarter. When I get there, I’m going to, ever so gently, knock the lady on the head who takes the money and issues the tickets for the wax museum on Conti Street. She has my job and that’s just not right. She can keep it until I get there, but then it’s mine.

After I knock her gently on the head rendering her still capable of living a full and wonderful life, yet, incapable of standing behind that counter, reading books and trashy tabloids all day and issuing the occasional wax museum admission ticket, I will take my rightful place behind the counter reading books and trashy tabloids all day and issuing the occasional wax museum admission ticket.

Don't worry. I know exactly where to hit her. I Googled it.

Added This Week in to Wolfgang's Vault

• The Bee Gees Los Angeles Forum 12/20/1976
• Patti Smith CBGB's 08/11/1979
• Kiss Nashville Municipal Auditorium 01/11/1984
• Erma Franklin Carousel Ballroom 04/21/1968
• The Flying Burrito Brothers Fillmore East 11/07/1970

Why not?

I would be much more productive if I could wear slippers and pajamas to work.

Well, maybe not more productive.

But, I would sure be more comfortable.

And, really, isn't is all about my comfort?

Really.

Why?

I wonder if it's the time change that caused me to:

• dream I was trapped in a seedy motel room with Eddie Izzard,


• freak out because I was trapped in a seedy motel room with Eddie Izzard,


• sit up in bed,


• look at my closet door and think there should be a window there,


• look at my open bedroom door and think there should be a closed motel room door there,


• freak out again,


• finally wake the hell up; and


• finally lay back down and go back to sleep.

For Mom: Worst Price Is Right Contestant Ever

Can You Tell the Difference Between...

...a serial killer and a computer programmer? I got 10 out of 10 so don't try to fuck with me.

CLICK HERE OR ON THE TITLE TO TAKE THE QUIZ

I'm Really Not a Disgusting Person

I have certain Sunday rituals which include shaving my legs and doing my nails. The "doing my nails" portion includes clipping my toenails which are roughly the density of horse hooves. Today, as I was clipping my toenails, one got away from me. I search all over my bedroom floor and it was nowhere to be found. Crap.

I moved on to the shaving legs portion of my exciting Sunday morning and was interrupted by the need to blow my nose. As I blew a hearty blow, a booger flew out of my left nostril. I saw it go. I followed the path of the errant boog and, once again, couldn't find it. Double crap.

As I was on the floor looking for the runaway nose stopper, I raked up a handful of hair from my bathroom carpet. Guess it's time to vacuum.

I gave up on the booger and got in the shower and used one of my shampoos I hadn't used in a while and, Oh My God, the gunk under the bottle was not pretty. Wiped that up.

So, here I sit at my computer using my mouse which has patches of black body oils and heaven only knows what kind of bacteria thriving on it, to make a point. If this house should ever need a thorough CSI sweep, God forbid, with infrared cameras and magnifying thingys and chemical analysis, I will be forever branded a filthy person who didn't deserve to live anyway. Case closed.

This is what I need from you, my adoring readers. When the report appears in the newspaper about the squalid conditions in which Ms. Anderson lived, you must all write letters to the editor demanding a retraction. Tell them it was lies, all lies! She was not a disgusting person. You read it in her blog so it must be true.

Unusual Deaths

I don't remember what I was searching for the other day but I ended up at this Wikipedia article about unusual deaths (click here or on the title).

Some highlights:

• 207 BC: Chrysippus, a Greek stoic philosopher, is believed to have died of laughter after watching his drunken donkey attempt to eat figs.[2]
• 1514: György Dózsa, leader of a peasants' revolt in the Kingdom of Hungary, was roasted alive on a white hot iron chair. His captured companions were forced to eat his flesh.[8]
• 1971: Jerome Irving Rodale, an American pioneer of organic farming, died of a heart attack while being interviewed on The Dick Cavett Show. When he appeared to fall asleep, Cavett quipped "Are we boring you, Mr. Rodale?".[17] The show was never broadcast.
• 1923: Frank Hayes, jockey, suffered a heart attack during a horse race. The horse, Sweet Kiss, went on to finish first, making Hayes the only deceased jockey to win a race.
• 1972: Leslie Harvey, guitarist of Stone the Crows was electrocuted on stage by a live microphone.
• 1983: Tennessee Williams, American playwright, died choking on a bottle cap. He was in a hotel but was too drunk to leave his room or make sufficient noise to attract attention.

The list goes on and on. Check it out.

American Idol

• I didn't mind that Jared and Sundance went home last night as much as I minded that Sanjaya got to stay. Both Jared and Sundance were pretty inconsistent and probably wouldn't have been around much longer anyway. But, Sanjaya?! Agghh!!
• Getting my wish that Antonella finally got voted off was no consolation for Sabrina leaving.
• There are websites which promote voting for the worst just so the voting outcome is skewed and the worst can stay on the show. There's no way of knowing if that's what's been happening already this season but, if it is, it sucks.

I hate...

...dentists and gynocologists. Of course, I had a dentist appointment yesterday and, if I had to choose, I would take my yearly gyno exam over my twice yearly dental exam any day.

As Jen puts it, both of these docs fall into the same category: people who cause pain in an "in-hole."

I especially hate it when the dentist talks to me when my mouth is full of stuff that he put in there. I also don't care for the inevitable awkward moment when the gyno tries to make small talk while kneading my boobs or gazing deeply into my hootch-a-rama.

Seriously, there is nothing you guys can say that would make me not want to stab you with a hand-sharpened toothbrush or beat you about the head with a cold speculum.

Eagle in Southeast Texas

An eagle has made a nest here in southeast Texas between Beaumont and Orange. These pictures are amazing. I'll probably drive out there this weekend to check it out myself. This is a very rare occurrence.

The nest is located on the left side of Highway 105 going towards Vidor, west of the intersection of 1442 and Highway 105. I hesitated to list the location but, hopefully, my few southeast Texas readers will respect the nest. One site I saw advises that you stay in your car so that the eagles won't be disturbed.

Stumbled Upon

Thanks to Se7en, I've discovered Stumble Upon. While killing time before I leave to go to the dentist (UGH), I've Stumbled Upon some amazing things. Here's one of them.

You have got to do this Stumble Upon thing. Be sure to click lots of interests in your preferences so you get a variety of sites. I haven't had any sites trying to sell me something, yet, and the sites I've landed on could populate a whole blog.



Lion amoureux
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If I Were a Carpenter

Whenever a song gets stuck in my head, being the weird-o that I am, I think there's some significance to it and that I should take heed. That is, unless I heard it on a commercial or a co-worker passed by me humming the tune.

Today's lyric that I can't get out of my ear-brain:

If I were a carpenter and you were a lady, would you marry me anyway? Would you have my baby?

Maybe, I'll make a little run by the carpenters' union hall this afternoon and pretend I have car trouble. Maybe I'll marry one anyway even though I won't have his baaaaa-by.

This Week's Classic Concert Additions on Wolfgang's Vault

The Kinks Hippodrome Theatre 07/14/1974

Faces Swing Auditorium 03/07/1975

Tears for Fears Hammersmith Palais 04/18/1983

Judas Priest San Antonio Civic Center 09/26/1982

Little Feat Sting 07/13/1992

Happy Birthday, Stu! - Plus, an Online Gift Certificate Tip

Today is my brother Stuart's birthday. Happy Birthday, Stu!

I sent his son an online I-Tunes gift certificate for his birthday that somehow got lost among his junk e-mail. I read this tip online and it's a GREAT idea (I did it for Stu's Amazon gift certificate): Send the gift certificate to yourself and then forward it to the recipient!

Isn't that brilliant? I constantly get junk e-mails (at least I thought they were junk) saying I have this gift certificate or that gift certificate. In fact, I get so many that when I received my brother's gift certificate which I had sent to myself, I almost deleted it.

When you receive the gift certificate, you can then change the "Subject" line to something that will grab the recipient's attention. Also, since the e-mail is coming from someone they know, they will be less likely to delete it without opening it.

Add Flavor to Taste?!

"...and that's how we added flavor to taste."

What the hell does that mean? Even though Healthy Choice has made another commercial explaining their methods for adding flavor in healthier ways than just adding salt, the phrase still makes no sense to me. Isn't "flavor" and "taste" the same thing?

Isn't adding "flavor" to "taste" like adding "scent" to "smell?" I'm telling you. It makes no sense.

While I'm on the subject of commercials, on the Dodge truck commercials they talk about "class-exclusive" this and "class-exclusive" that. What is "class-exclusive?"

Speaking of truck commercials, I don't know about the rest of the country, but, here in Texas, trucks are constantly being advertised. However, they use the same music on those truck commercials for years. That music, along with the general tone of the whole commercial, leads you to believe a person is un-American or un-Texan if they don't own a truck...a BIG truck.

Maybe those truck commercials just need to add some "touch" to "feel."

A Frightening Realization

I went to a basketball game Saturday night (we won, GO LU) and, during a break in the action, I noticed two little girls, one blonde and one brunette, standing by the rail in front of me dancing in cute little girl ways to the funky music of the Lamar University band.

The little girls were about 5 or 6 years old and were just having a good old time. Evidently, another little girl, about the same age, who had been sitting behind me thought that looked like great fun so she went down to the rail to join them.

When the brunette of the two original little girls saw the second blonde walk up and start dancing with them, she quit dancing and went back to sit with her parents. The first blonde, however, kicked it up a notch which, in turn, caused the second little blonde girl to really get her groove on.

The girls never spoke to each other and only gave each other the most casual of glances, but the competition was evident. Suddenly, the first blonde girl stopped dancing, tapped the second blonde girl on the shoulder and pointed to the man who was sitting in front of the rail below them and said quite proudly, "That's my dad!" (Dad, by the way, had been intently watching the game and had no idea what was going on three inches behind his head.)

As I watched the interaction between the little girls , I thought, "Oh, my God. I've seen this a million times, in school, in bars...hell...everywhere." It was frightening to think that these social situations begin so young. Two dueling females (one of them sometimes not even realizing there is a duel) competing for the attention of a clueless man who has no idea what's going on.

Oh, and lets not forget the brunette who walked away at the slightest hint of competition or confrontation. That would be me.

At Least I Didn't Break Anything

We have a new attorney at work and I've been too busy to be formally introduced so I took care of that in my own unique way Friday. I did it in a way that most of you won't be surprised to hear at all.

I was talking to the paralegal whose office is two doors down from his office. As I exited her office, I tripped over a box and stumbled two steps making a sound not unlike that of a herd of stampeding elephants. My not-so-graceful stumbling brought me to a screeching halt right in front of the new guy's open office door where he was, of course, sitting.

Not only was he sitting there, he was looking out his door to see what all the racket was about. When I realized I wasn't going to fall all the way to the ground, I was so happy that I looked up with a big stupid grin on my face. A quick glance to my left brought me eye-to-eye with the new guy.

I just looked at him and said, "Laurie." I do know how to make a first impression.

Jamie's Singing Debut

Presenting my daughter-in-law, Jamie...

"I have a wonderful husband."

Many years ago, my son and I used to enjoy watching Wheel of Fortune every afternoon as we sat down in front of the television with our take-out supper which I had picked up on my way home from work. Don't judge me. He turned out just fine.

At some point, though, The Wheel began to get on my nerves. The hyperactive contestants, the constant clapping, the ageless Vanna White (who still looks good, by the way) became too much to bear. I have since opted for Seinfeld, Raymond or King of Queens reruns which I watch while eating my Stoeffer's Lean Cuisine. Don't judge me. I've turned out just fine.

The most irritating, nauseating, annoying thing of all, however, the thing that sends me screaming for my remote control, is the way ninety percent of the female contestants describe their children as "fantastic" and their husbands as "wonderful." Just once, I'd love to hear a contestant say:

"Well, Pat, my ungrateful children are constantly embarrassed by me and told me they would disown me if I came on this retarded show, so screw them. If mama's a big winner, you can all kiss my ass. My husband? You mean the raging alcoholic who won't get a job? That guy? Yeah, screw him, too, although I quit doing that years ago."

I, actually, think Pat Sajack would love that.

Head Rush

Something happened to me the other day when I was pulling into a parking space at Chula Vista that hasn't happened to me in a long time. As I was pulling into my space, the car right beside me was pulling out. Naturally, I thought my car was still moving so I kept pushing my brake pedal harder and harder until I realized what was happening.

I hate it when that happens. Of course, for someone who has given up drinking for Lent, that's as close as I've been to a head rush in a while.

In Defense of MySpace

Although I'm a bit older (okay, a lot older) than the targeted demographic, I have a MySpace...uh...space. No need to click on the link, really, because there isn't much there. It mostly just directs people to this blog. Plus, I'm not even sure if you can look at it without having your own MySpace...uh...space.

I originally set up a Myspace page due to peer pressure from my younger friends and my nieces and nephews and I rarely looked at it. I have now, however, found a genuine advantage to being on MySpace and I'm not talking about all the messages I get from men who seem to think that every woman on MySpace is there for dating purposes.

The advantage of which I speak is the bulletin feature which enables me to keep up with all of my favorite local bands and festivals. It's also how I found out about those great ghost hunter trips. For those of you who don't know, all you have to do is add the sites of things and bands and people you're interested in to your "Friends" and they will occasionally send out bulletins to all of their "Friends."

Granted, I can't stand to look at most of the sites for more than about three minutes because my non-14-to-25-year-old brain can't handle all the blinky stuff and graphics and weird fonts without going into sensory overload. However, it has been really cool to be asked to be "Friends" by some of my son and daughter-in-law's actual friends.

Yeah, I'm one happenin' chick.

American Idol

• My two least favorite contestants and worst singers this year (Antonella and Sanjaya) continue to hang on because God has a sense of humor and loves to annoy people who watch this show. At least Sanjaya was shocked. I always feel kind of bad for the less talented when they have to be the butt of everyone's ridicule for yet another week.
• This is the most emotional bunch of contestants I have ever seen. We haven't even reached the top ten and half of them are already losing their shit every time someone gets voted off.
• I've been watching this show for five of its six seasons and I've never seen the lunatics take over the asylum like they did last night when Alaina "Cry Me A River" Alexander couldn't sing her going-away song and called all the girls to join her on the stage for a hug-fest. I bet the director was having a stroke.

Why Are Farts Funny?

Peter asks the question, “Why are farts funny?” Well, Peter, I’ve thought about this and I think I know why farts are funny. I believe it’s the surprise factor. In comedy, a joke is funny because the punchline is unexpected. A fart is like a smelly little punchline.

This theory is confirmed by the fact that the funniest farts are the ones that are the least expected. For example, a fart is funnier if it comes from someone who doesn’t usually fart or when the fart sneaks up on you in an inappropriate location (Macy’s, church, job interview, etc.).

Even if it’s your own fart and you know the fart is coming or if your dear friend or spouse announces an impending fart, the element of surprise is still there. How will the fart sound? How will the fart smell? Will I gag? Will he hold the covers over my head? Will we eventually divorce or will we continue to live lives of quiet desperation?

In summary, yes, farts are funny. No big surprise there.

This Might Be Old But It's The First Time I've Seen It - Star Trek Meets Monty Python

Thanks Miss Cellania.