Poor Pitiful Me

When I was three years old, I broke my leg jumping in the bed with my little sister and my uncle (don't freak out, my uncle is only 6 years older than me) while my grandmother was babysitting. It's a much longer story which involves weeks of traction in the hospital, weeks in a wheelchair and weeks in a cast. Did I mention that my mother was 7 months pregnant with my little brother? Yeah, it's a much longer story. To be continued...

*Pic*

Friday Night Standup - Tina Fey

• Harvard Medical School study has determined that rectal thermometers are still the best way to tell a baby's temperature. Plus, it really teaches the baby who's boss.
• An interim government was set up in Afghanistan. It included two women, one of whom was Minister of Women's Affairs. Man, who'd she have to show here ankles to to get that job?
• At the request of the Catholic Church, a three-day sex orgy to be held near Rio de Janeiro was cancelled last Friday. So instead I spent the weekend cleaning my apartment.
• I like to crack the jokes now and again, but it's only because I struggle with math.
• If you want to make an audience laugh, you dress a man up like an old lady and push her down the stairs. If you want to make comedy writers laugh, you push an actual old lady down the stairs.
• In a study, scientists report that drinking beer can be good for the liver. I'm sorry, did I say "scientists"? I meant "Irish people."
• Most of the time you're too busy to think about it. But every now and then you say, 'I work at "Saturday Night Live," and that is so cool.
• President Bush gave a rousing speech to the United Nations General Assembly. Afterward, in a touching show of support, every foreign dignitary shook hands with the president and smiled warmly as he mispronounced their names.
• President Bush unveiled his new economic stimulus plan this week. It was reported that if the plan passes the president himself would save $44,000 in taxes, Dick Cheney would save $327,000, and you could afford to take the whole family down to Burger King to pick up job applications.
• Researches reported that they developed a "self-healing" plastic that repairs itself if cracked. The plastic will change the way airplanes are built and medicine is practiced. In a related story, Joan Rivers will never die.
• The New York Post quoted Senator Hillary Clinton saying that she would never run for President, declaring "That is not something I'm going to be doing. "Which in Clinton talk means "I will be President in three years."

Wang Chi's Review of Styx

Before I post my Friday Night Standup, I want to give you a link to my friend John's impressions of the Styx concert last night. His post is much more informative than my inebriated babbling of yesterday evening. Smell the Glove...

Styx Kicked Ass!

I apologize (mea culpa, mea culpa, mea maxima culpa) to Cactus Canyon for saying their sound system sucks. Styx kicked ass. Escape (Journey tribute band) kicked ass and I can't hear a got-damn thing. My ears are ringing like a sonufabitch and, yes, there was a guy standing right in front of me with bright orange ear plugs. I will not denigrate him tonight, however, because, I repeat, I can't hear a got-damn thing. Work tomorrow should be quite interesting.

I have to get up in exactly 6 hours to go to said work and I'm more than a little bit drunk. Good night, sleep tight and I just wanted everyone who cares to know that I made the right decision going to see Styx instead of Leon Russell. It was great.

No offense Leon, you were also great last year but a choice had to be made.

I rock.

By the way, if I typed this with no errors I f**cking rock.

Mmmmm, Catfish!

I promise you this is the last big gross picture I'll post for a while. When someone sent this to me today, it made me think of that big ass alligator I posted a couple of days ago. This fish was apparently caught in Italy regardless of what the e-mail forwarded to you might have said. (The ones I received said it was caught in Texoma wherever that is.) I told you I was an excellent debunker.

Please note that the men are more than happy to be standing in water that contained this monster and still contains God knows what else. Evidently, American men (Texans in particular) aren't the only men who enjoy this sort of thing.

Grammar Lesson

Listen to me carefully. There are two words in the english language that are NEVER, NEVER, NEVER to be plural-ized. The words are all and anyway.

Examples of common usage which drive me absolutely bat-shit:

• Alls I told her was she was being stupid and she got all mad and stuff.
• So, anyways, I told him I didn't care if his ex-wife was on fire, he wasn't going back over there.

And the infamous double whammy which really tests my self-control:

• Anyways, alls I'm saying is that she's a dumbass.

Come Sail Away

One of my favorite South Park episodes is one where Cartman tells his friends that if he hears the opening line to the Styx song Come Sail Away, he has to sing the whole song. He just can't help himself. So, throughout the episode, his friends keep feeding him the line which causes Cartman to cuss (Son of a Bitch!!) and then sing the whole song at top speed. Hilarious.

A week ago, I was pondering whether to see Leon Russell or Styx this Thursday and I've decided to see Styx. I realize that Leon is a legend but I saw him last year and I've never seen Styx.

Hopefully, I won't be kicking myself Friday at work for making the wrong decision while I'm also kicking myself for being tired and hung over. I'm sailing away...

Old (Lady) Joke

Two little old ladies were sitting on a hard park bench.

One leaned over to the other and said, "We've been sitting here so long, my butt is going to sleep."

"I know," replied her companion, "I heard it snore three times."

Swimming With the Gators

I have a friend who lives on the bayou and has a pontoon boat. The first time I went out on the pontoon boat with him and another couple was the first time I had been on a boat in the bayou. It's beautiful and peaceful and I was told we would ride around the bayou and drink and swim and drink and ride and swim and barbeque and, just generally, relax.

I thought that sounded great but I knew there was no way in hell I was swimming in that bayou knowing there were alligators and snakes everywhere. Although I had never been on a boat in the bayou, I had eaten at many restaurants where you could go out on the porch and see the alligators swim by.

However, drinking and 90 degree heat can weaken even the strongest convictions. I put on a life jacket and carefully descended into the wonderfully cool, still water. Someone handed me my girlie drink (my bayou friend's specialty - a wonderful blend of vodka, frozen raspberry lemonade and frozen limeade, the perfect boat drink) and I was in heaven. We would swim around the boat and under the boat between the pontoons and I never gave a thought to snakes or fish or alligators.

At one point, the other girl with me and I noticed the men had swam off a short distance away from us and were talking quietly and staring off into the distance. She said, "What are they doing?" I said, "I don't know, I think they see something." That's when we saw it. An alligator on the opposite bank slipping into the water. My friend and I made a beeline for the boat ("F**k, f**k, f**k, f**k...") but realized the men weren't following.

My friend hollered, "What are you doing?" They turned around to us and said, "Stay in the water. It's alright. We're going to scare it away." My friend started yelling at her husband to come back and just get on the boat, but it was too late. The testerone and the vodka had blinded and deafened them to common sense and to the sounds of silly women's voices. Off they swam, smacking the water with their hands and feet like idiots trying to scare the alligator away.

If they were hoping to look like manly, cavemen, save-the-women-folk, heros, they were sadly off the mark. Instead, they looked like spastic dolphins smacking the water with their hands and feet and sounded like seals honking across the bayou. It was not a pretty sight and we were praying that no other boaters would come by and see us with those two goofballs. Of course, this being Southeast Texas and all, any men who would have passed would have happily jumped into the water and joined the fracas for fear of being called pussified.

Eventually, the alligator, which I'm sure was laughing it's ass off, went back on the shore, the men came back and the rest of the day was uneventful and we went dancing at the Rodair. Now, that's a full day.

Game Wardens Forced to Shoot Alligator

Before I forward things, I always check to be sure they aren't urban legends. If people send me crap, I immediately hit reply all and send them the link to the web page debunking that aforementioned crap. I have the Fasted Debunking Fingers in The West.

When Tracey sent us the above picture Friday, I immediately got an e-mail from Jen saying, "Laurie, please debunk this!" Not only could I not debunk it, but I also found the actual newspaper article which I include below.

Jen sent me the same e-mail, begging for a swift debunking, when we received an e-mail advising that the recently elected Pope is the second to the last Pope, right before Pope Satan (as we have come to refer to him in our little work e-mail sewing circle). I couldn't debunk that one either. Hmmm, I suddenly feel another blog post percolating.


By Michael WrightThe Facts
Published April 16, 2005

WEST COLUMBIA — Anita and Charlie Rogers could hear the bellowing in the night. Her neighbors in Bar X Ranch had been telling them they had seen a giant alligator in the bayou that runs behind their house, but they dismissed the stories as exaggerations.

“I didn’t believe it,” Charles Rogers said.

Friday they realized the stories were, if anything, understated. Texas Parks and Wildlife game wardens had to shoot the beast, which measured 13-feet, 1-inch long.

Friday Night Standup (Sort Of): Dan Quayle Quotes

• If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure.
• Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child.
• Welcome to President Bush, Mrs. Bush, and my fellow astronauts.
• Mars is essentially in the same orbit . . . Mars is somewhat the same distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe.
• What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is.
• The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century.
• I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy - but that could change.
• One word sums up probably the responsibility of any vice president, and that one word is to be prepared.
• Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things.
• I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future.
• The future will be better tomorrow.
• We're going to have the best-educated American people in the world.
• People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and have a tremendous impact on history.
• I stand by all the misstatements that I've made.
• We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a part of Europe.
• I am not part of the problem. I am a Republican.
• I love California, I practically grew up in Phoenix.
• A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.
• When I have been asked during these last weeks who caused the riots and the killing in L.A., my answer has been direct and simple: Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame.
• Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having it.
• We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur.
• For NASA, space is still a high priority.
• Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children.
• It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.
• [It's] time for the human race to enter the solar system.

What's a Gig?

Today, for no particular reason, I wondered why people use the word gig instead of job in the entertainment industry. A Google took me to a page with some interesting word origins which I have now linked to on my sidebar. The explanation of where the term gig came from is pretty long so I'll just leave you with the link.

Brain Overload

Yesterday at work, one of my friends was showing me her new shoes which had little nubbie things to massage the soles of your feet as you walk. I was trying to think of a word to describe the feeling it would give your feet and all my brain would come up with was exciting. I knew her feet weren't excited but the word I was trying to grab from the recesses of my brain wouldn't come to me.

I just kept looking at her saying, "You know? They make your feet excited. Not excited. Damn, what am I trying to say? They make your feet feel good so you feel good all over. What's the f**king word? Crap! They make your feet...sh**! STIMULATED! That's what they do. They stimulate your feet."

Yet, I went to the Champions on Ice show last night and, without hesitation, I was able to remember the name of Tara Lipinski when my friend suffered from the same brain constipation I had experienced earlier in the day. I couldn't come up with the word stimulated but I could remember Tara Lipinski. I'll never understand how my brain works.

4:20 or is it 4/20?

I'm not sure how we get on these subjects at work but during one of our e-mail conversations a couple of days ago (which, I swear, started out work related), the subject turned to the fact that in a couple of days it would be 4/20. One of the girls said that her doper girlfriend got married on 4/20.

I gave the group a big, "Huh?" and was given a brief history of the relationship between 4:20 p.m. and smoking pot. I guess all the people I ever knew who smoked pot had no particular time preference for indulging because I had never heard of this.

Here is another interesting link with includes a menu at a Coffee Shop in Amsterdam for all kinds of marijuana.

For some reason, this post is giving me the munchies. I wonder if Jack-In-The-Box is still open. Where did I hide those Twinkies?

NOTE: Ironically, the link to the 4:20 reference isn't working this morning. Somehow, I feel we shouldn't be surprised. You know how crazy those stoners can be. I'm sure someone's blowing dope into the server as we speak and giggling their asses off.