HOAX: Would you be, could you be, my neighbor?

EDITED TO ADD: According to Jack, the site below is a hoax. All of my e-mail friends out there will find that hilarious because I'm always debunking their crap e-mails. Karma's a bitch. Thank God he caught me before I did my post tomorrow on Medical Adoptions and Promoting Dog Fighting in your Neighborhoods.

Crap site:
Here's your wakeup call for this morning. Click here to find out which felons live near you.

A lovely message I received from a dear friend this morning

Friends are like butt cheeks.

Crap might separate them,

But they always come back together.

Jimmy Carter on The Daily Show

Jimmy Carter is an amazing man.

Part 1



Part 2

Back to Stingaree Music Festival 2008 - Ray Wylie Hubbard and Lucas Hubbard

( Lucas Hubbard)

(Ray and Lucas Hubbard , photo credit: Todd Purifoy)

At the beginning of the festival Friday night, Katie and Chloe asked me if "the main guy" would be there this year. I asked, "Hayes Carll?"

They said, "No, the other guy."

I asked, "Ray Wylie Hubbard?"

"Yeah, yeah, yeah!! We loved him."

Smart girls.

Here's an old video of Ray Wylie Hubbard explaining how he came to write "Up Against the Wall Redneck Mother."




Ray was as entertaining as always and brought several of the performers from earlier in the day onstage with him. I love it when that happens. It made us really sorry that we goofed around too long to catch Liz and Lincoln, but more on that in another post.

The most amazing thing about Ray's set (other than the fact that it was "Ray's set") was his son Lucas. I didn't even know he had a son, let alone a really adorable one who played an amazing guitar. The girls fell absolutely in love with him and although they were older women (17 years old), they made a pact to wait for Lucas (13 years old) and marry him or something. We were fuzzy on the details.

The video below is something I found on YouTube from about a year ago:



This one is Cody Canada, Lucas Hubbard and Ray Wylie Hubbard from September, 2006 playing "I Wanna Rock and Roll" (one of my favorites):

I just wanted some fried chicken and spring rolls

Ask anybody in my family and they'll tell you that I'm usually the person who orders the one thing on the menu that the restaurant just ran out of. Last night my sister and I went to Kentucky Fried Chicken to get a bucket to feed everybody while we helped her move into her new house.

I said, "I want the 12 piece dark meal with..."

"Ma'am, that'll be 15 to 20 minutes on the chicken."

"What?!" I asked.

She repeated, "I'm sorry, that'll 15 to 20 minutes for chicken."

"Fifteen minutes for chicken?!" I asked, angrier than I intended.

I wish I would have continued the rest of my thought of, "This is a chicken joint and you have no chicken?" But, I decided to take the high road. KFC...Kan't Fry Chicken...Keep Frying Chicken...Kreepy Fucking Colonel.

Today, I ordered Pei Wei for my daughter-in-law and I and decided to also get an order of spring rolls. Guess what. The girl who answered the phone said, "We're out of spring rolls." Did I mention it was 11:45 a.m.? It's not like I was trying to get spring rolls at two o'clock in the afternoon. It was the lunch hour, for Chinese food's sake.

Tomorrow, I think I'll order a taco from Taco Bell to see if my streak is still alive.

When will I get my 2008 tax rebate check?

UPDATE!!!: The checks start going out this Monday, four days early. Thanks, US of A! My first purchase, a new fangled stainless steel, step-on-to-open kitchen trash can. Hell, yeah.

Rebate check direct deposit or mailings will be made according to the last two digits of your Social Security numbers as follows:

Direct Deposit:
Depending on the last two numbers of your Social Security Number, your rebate should be deposited by:
00-20: May 2
21-75: May 9
76-99: May 16

By Mail:
Depending on the last two numbers of your Social Security Number, your rebate check should be mailed by:
00-09: May 16
10-18: May 23
19-25: May 30
26-38: June 6
39-51: June 13
52-63: June 20
64-75: June 27
76-87: July 4
88-99: July 11

Cory, Jamie and the Grand Fabulous Ava in Austin last weekend

"AGH! Too high!! 'Great View' my diaper covered bottom!

Get me off of this mountain!"

"I was told there would be cake."

We take a break from Stingaree posts to nominate an "Asshole of the Year"

Even though we haven't even spoken about Liz and Lincoln, Wrecks Bell, Hayes Carll singing "Katie," Eliza Gilkyson, the Stone Coyotes, The Magpies, Ray Wylie Hubbard, Lucas Hubbard or me "accidentally" ending up backstage, I have to take a short break from my Stingaree posts to nominate an Asshole of the Year. The guy I encountered this afternoon rivals this guy for the title of Asshole of All Time.

I stopped at Kroger after work today to get gas and, as usual it was crowded and every pump had a car in it. I drove around the pumps (there are at least 6 islands of them) until I found a car facing the same direction I would be in for my gas tank to align with the pump. This is what NORMAL people do.

When I pulled into the lot, there was a car (noted as "asshole" on the diagram above) parked so far back from the pumps waiting to get gas that I had to drive on the grass to get around him. After I drove around him, I pulled up behind a car totally forgetting that the asshole was on the opposite side of the lot from me.

When the lady got back from the window after paying for her gas (who doesn't pay at the pump anymore?), I pulled up. "Asshole" started blowing his horn. I looked around and realized he might be blowing at me. I smiled at him thinking, "Surely, not." He scowled at me, began making weird hand gestures with both hands flailing around and screaming! I kept looking at him and HE BEGAN TO DRIVE TOWARD ME!!!!!!!!!! He started spinning his wheels until there was so much smoke around him, I could barely see his car! Everybody in the lot was looking at him...AND LAUGHING AT HIM.

I pulled back and went to another pump. A co-worker happened to be at another pump and she had seen everything. She said everybody on that side of the lot was making fun of the guy and saying that now he not only needs gas, he needs new tires.

My point is, besides pointing out that this guy was a total asshole (who pulls up behind a car going the wrong way to wait for a gas pump?), that I would love for that idiot ignoramus butt-munch spit bucket to actually read this post and know that everybody was laughing at the Big Man and his tire spinning forcing the little girl to move so he could put gas in his car.

Way to go, tough guy.

Stingaree Music Festival 2008 - John Evans Band

Since everyone seems to be curious about the "man in his underwear" in my Stingaree Festival pictures, I suppose I need to skip ahead a bit and talk about the John Evans Band.

John Evans and Hayes Carll

(pic from John Evans Band Myspace page)

John Evans at Stingaree 2007

The John Evans band is a group from Houston headed by the talented and charismatic John Evans. At 5:00 p.m. Saturday, John took the stage and said, "It's 5:00. This is the sexy hour. Call all your sexy friends to the tent." I never saw him without a smile the whole weekend. Sure, he was probably drunk, what's your point?

Back to the underwear. In 2007, Stingaree was plagued by horrible weather conditions. The temperature never got much warmer than 50 degrees, it was rainy and the winds were so strong, they almost blew the ginormous tent anchors out of the ground. Now, I know you Canadians are saying, "Big whoop," but that is totally unacceptable weather for April in Texas.

So, in an effort to inspire the crowd, John Evans took his clothes off. I missed it. I was cold. I was in the bar. This year, if it happened again, I was determined not to miss it. Toward the end of his set, he reminded everyone about his clothes removal the year before and said that this year, the band would be removing their clothes and he would be keeping his clothes on.

"No!" I shouted and "No!" it was. He took his clothes off, too...

Stingaree 2008 - Where to begin...

Let's begin at the beginning. The day started out rainy and I almost ran over a turtle and almost hit a dog on the way to the cabin. After that, everything was platinum. There was even, of course, one weird coincidence. While waiting for Hayes Carll to come onstage Friday night, my sister called to see if I wanted Kris Kristofferson tickets (YES!) and "Help Me Make It Through the Night" was blaring out of the speaker right beside me at exactly the moment she called.

We missed most of the early acts Friday night. We did see Corb Lund which immediately got my niece and her friend pumped up for the weekend. They were already excited to see Hayes and Ray Wylie Hubbard, but now they knew they were in for a full weekend of great music and, well, a few or ten cute guys. After Corb Lund, Hayes did a set and was his usual magnificent and hilarious self. (Buy his new CD now...we'll wait.)

We decided early on that we wouldn't bring chairs and would sit on the ground all weekend as close to the stage as we could. As usual, there was the regular assortment of annoying people and nut cases in our general area. One chick was particularly annoying and, when she got up to leave, Katie and Chloe and I moved into her spot closer to the stage. A good looking guy behind me touched me and said, "That's your spot now. If she comes back, don't let her have it."

Chloe said, "What did he say to you?"

I said, "He says he wants to have my children."

Come to find out, he already had children. Two small daughters who are 20 months apart, according to his lovely wife. They wanted to know if Katie and Chloe were sisters and his wife said he was freaking out thinking about their two small daughters at 16 years old and thought it was great that they were enjoying themselves so much and having so much fun with their aunt.

After Hayes' set, it was time for The Sideshow Tramps. I can't tell you how much fun these guys were. It took them a long time to setup their equipment because they kept having technical difficulties, but it was well worth it. They play all sorts of hand-made looking instruments and the music is wild and crazy and totally intoxicating. I am at a loss to describe it, so Google them or You Tube them or Wikipedia or MySpace them and find out for yourself. It was like some kind of wild church revival on mescaline.

Toward the end of their set, they started telling everybody...EVERYBODY...to get up on the stage. Ah, now I understood the earlier technical difficulties. People were careening and cavorting all over the stage tripping over wires and equipment and, generally, losing their minds. Katie and Chloe leapt onto the stage like gazelles and I stood by taking pictures. Mr. Nice Guy Father of Two said, "Get up there!"

I said, "That's okay. I'm taking their picture."

He said, "I'll take the pictures. Get up there."

So, I did. However, lets all remember that I had been sitting on the ground for about three hours at this point and I can only describe my getting up on the stage as not even slightly gazelle-like. Have you ever watched a 2 year old try to climb onto a couch that is just barely too tall for them to climb onto? You get the picture.

I told Katie later, "You know, in about 16 years when you and Chloe and I bring Ava to this show, I'm going to need some granny stairs to get up on the stage. You know, like those doggy stairs you see on television."


She said, "I think we'd make some money off of that! Granny Stairs!!! Hahahahaha!!!"

That's my girl.

Presenting, The Sideshow Tramps...

TOMORROW: Day 2 of Stingaree 2008

Stingaree Festival 2008...it's a wrap...dang it

I'm back from The Second Annual Stingaree Music Festival and it was amazing. The weather was perfect, my fabulous 16 year old niece Katie and her fabulous friend Chloe went with me and they loved every minute of it.

I don't even know where to begin, so for tonight, I'll leave you with the pictures. Click here.

My Friends Longneck Road at Changing Times

Longneck Road is Dick LeMasters, Brett James, Robert Arena and Miles Sykes. Dick wrote all the music (he's the one on the far right in the dark).

Check out this video: Longneck Road At Changing Times



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Stingaree Festival 2008 Schedule

FRIDAY, April 18
4:00p Joe Argo
4:45p Bonnie Bishop
5:35p Scott Nolan
6:30p Gurf Morlix
7:15p Darrell Scott
8:30p Corb Lund
9:45p Hayes Carll
11:00p The Sideshow Tramps
12:00a Midnight writers

SATURDAY, April 19
12:00p Liz and Lincoln
12:45p The Band of Heathens
1:45p Wrecks Bell
2:30p Hayes Carll
3:25p Ian McFerin Band
4;15p Travis Linville
5:00p John Evans
5:55p Bonnie Bishop
6:30p Mando Saenz
7:30p Eliza Gilkyson
8:40p Ray Wylie Hubbard
9:50p The Stone Coyotes
11:00p The Magpies
12:00a Midnight Writers

SUNDAY, April 20
12:00p Graham Wilkinson
12:50p Scott Nolan
1:35p The Dedringers
2:30p Will Kimbrough
4:00p Terry Allen
5:00p The Producers
8:00p End of Festival Party at The Ships Wheel - Corb Lund, The Magpies

The Stars Are in Line

I had a little yellow card in my mailbox yesterday saying I had a package at the post office. Ah, my lovely Amazon order of this...



this...


and this....



Disregarding the fact that this is tax day, I went to the post office during my lunch hour anyway. Not that I'm having any sort of cooking emergency or anything, I just wanted my cookbooks. When I opened the door at the post office, there were about fifteen people in line in front of me, one guy at a window with seven or eight big boxes and another guy at the one other open window doing God knows what.

On top of having only two windows open on tax day, there was, evidently, some sort of computer problem and the clerks were having to do everything manually. (Their stars were NOT in line.) After I had been standing in line about two minutes, a lady came out from the back room and asked, "Is there anybody here to pick up something that doesn't involve a money transaction?"

Well, by God, that would be me. I walked past everyone in line, trying not to sashay and trying not to make eye contact, picked up my package and hauled ass. When I got in the car, "Year of the Cat" was playing. Al Stewart and I share a birthday and, whenever I hear an Al Stewart song, especially "Year of the Cat," I definitely consider it a good omen.

Thank you stars.

Countdown to Stingaree Festival 2008 - 4 more days

One more video...click here.

I Enjoy Drinking on the Job

Last night was a night out at Changing Times with friends and their bands.

Longneck Road is the band of a guy I work with and this was the first time he and his band publicly played his music as part of an electric band rather than as an acoustic duo and it was fantastic. They'll sound great on MTV Unplugged. Do they still do that?

Southern Embers is a southern rock band composed of the husband and brother of another co-worker and another fantastic musician that I don't know very well. (Click on the link above to find the links to both bands.) You just never know where life will lead you. When I started working at my current job, who would have ever thought that eight years later, this little group of people would be hanging out in a local dive, some playing music and some working the door. Life is strange.

As is customary at Changing Times, the bands furnish the person to work the door. This is my favorite part of watching friends play at Changing Times. The last time I was there, Darlene and I worked the door. This time, Darlene and Shannon and I (but mostly Darlene) worked the door. Shannon and I mostly sat there and tried to come up with the life stories of the patrons. (Shannon was convinced that we'll soon be seeing one of the girls who came into the club on Nightline telling the tragic story about how she was kidnapped 10 years ago and has always been too afraid to tell anyone.)

My most interesting customer story happened sometime after my fourth beer when Shannon and Darlene left me alone at the door to go outside and smoke. A guy came in and said, "I'm paying for myself and for a girl who'll be coming in shortly."

"No problem," I said.

Shortly (as predicted) a girl in a pink flowery halter top and shorts came in and said, "A guy just paid for me. Akjoife lkmoive lkmo mcwe."

"Huh?" I asked.

"Akjoife lkmoive lkmo mcwe?"

"Five dollars?" I said, trying to guess her question.

She said, "I'M NOT STAYING! GIVE HIM HIS MONEY BACK."

"Oh. Okay," I said.

She walked over to the guy, told him she wasn't staying and came back to me.

"Akjoife lkmoive lkmo mcwe," she said again.

"Five dollars," I said again.

She said, "NO!! GIVE HIM HIS MONEY BACK."

"Oh. Okay," I said.

When Shannon and Darlene got back, I told Darlene that we owed a guy for the cover charge for a girl he paid for who decided not to stay. About an hour later, I saw the guy walk by and told Shannon, "Hey, that's the guy, he never came back for his money. I guess he was too embarrassed to tell us his hooker...I mean...his chick didn't want to stay."

"Poor bastard," said Shannon, "If he comes back, I'm giving him back her cover charge and his cover charge, too."

Maybe it was the five beers, but that story seemed funnier last night. I like drinking on the job.

Dinner in the Sky

I won't be doing this either...

The Universe Wants Me to Have These Shoes

• Yesterday, I found a $20 gift card to Macy's in my wallet that someone had given me for Christmas which I totally forgot I had. Yesterday. Keep that in mind.


• I opened a junk e-mail today (I NEVER open junk e-mail) offering me a "free" pair of Fit Flops.


• I was intrigued, but at $49.95 probably wasn't going to buy a pair.


• I searched for a retailer near me and, guess what. The only retailer in my area that sells the shoes is Macy's.


• I'll let you know how my ass looks in about 6 weeks.

Meatloaf for AT&T

This one's for you, Jack...



The original...

Video: Devil's Swimming Pool

You've probably seen the pictures of the "Devil's Swimming Pool" in your e-mail. Here are some videos. No, I will not be swimming in Mr. Satan's scary ass pool.

Southern Embers and Longneck Road at Changing Times

Two bands of some friends and co-workers will be playing at Changing Times in Beaumont this weekend. Come out and join us, won't you? Here are the links:

Southern Embers

Longneck Road

Changing Times

Louisiana senate panel approves bill allowing castration for sex offenders

by Ed Anderson, The Times Picayune

Tuesday April 08, 2008, 1:04 PM

BATON ROUGE -- A Senate committee today took the first step toward giving judges the authority to order sex offenders to undergo physical or chemical castration.

The Judiciary C Committee unanimously passed Senate Bill 144 by Sen. Nick Gautreaux, D-Abbeville, to give a judge the option to order medroxyprogestrone acetate, or MPA, to be administered to a first time sex offender. On a repeat violation, the judge must order the treatment for a specific time if a medical expert agrees the treatment can help the offender.
The offender can opt for physical castration on a first or second offense if he agrees to the surgery and a judge concurs.

Gautreaux said the state does not currently allow either type of castration. He said one or both forms of the procedure can help sex offenders lower their sex drive and possibly keep them from committing future sex crimes.

Gautreaux said either type of castration would be in addition to the jail time a judge orders the offender to serve. The castration cannot reduce the sentence or replace it, Gautreaux said.

"This does not make it easy on the sex offender," Gautreaux said.

The committee also approved Gautreaux's Senate Bill 143 to prohibit anyone convicted of a sex offense from wearing a mask, hood or costume to hand out candy or gifts on Halloween to children under 18. The bill was amended to prohibit the distribution of gifts by a sex offender who may or may not wear a costume at other times of the year, such as Easter and Christmas.

A violator could get at least six months and up to three years in jail with the first six months to be served behind bars.

Both bills must now be debated by the Senate.

Ed Anderson can be reached at eanderson@timespicayune.com or (225) 342-5810.

Permalink

Reason Number One to be at Stingaree Music Festival: Hayes Carll

Stingaree Music Festival
Crystal Beach Texas
April 18, 19, 20

Quick note: My daughter-in-law and I had lunch by that piano in the cartoon at Bob's Sport's Bar last summer. Yes, there are pictures:


(Thanks for the video link, Jack.)

Ava's Christening

Ava and Grandma Laurie

Sunday Ava and her cousin Cameron were christened. Ava "sang" and "talked" at all the appropriate times and it was a beautiful ceremony and it was wonderful seeing all of Ava's other grandparents and aunts and uncles and cousins who I only get to see on special occasions.

Of course, there were pictures

(click here for more)...

Jamie, Ava, Cory, Godmother Bonnie, Godfather Chris

Getting christened


Great Grandpa Red, Ava and Great Grandma Ruby

Godfather Chris, Godmother Bonnie and Ava


Ava's pretty gown


Grandma Laurie, Jamie, Ava and Cory


Ava and Great Grandpa Red


The Grand-Fabulous Ava


The Momma and Pappa-razzi

Pink Floyd Tribute Band - Bricks in the Wall

We saw the Pink Floyd tribute band "Bricks in the Wall" last night at Antone's. I love tribute bands and I put this one very, very close to the top of the list of my all time favorites. Go see them if you ever have the chance.

Instrumentally, these guys were amazing. They kicked Pink Floyd tribute band ass. However, while the vocals were fantastic (including two amazing female backup singers) the male vocals didn't really sound enough like the vocals of the original Pink Floyd for me to bounce these guys to the absolute top of my favorite tribute band list. (The top spot is still held by Hells Bells, an amazing AC/DC tribute band.) I'm not saying that the vocals weren't good. They were great. To my ear, they just didn't sound very much like the original Pink Floyd.

I give them a 4.99999999 out of 5 on my tribute band scorecard.

2008 Movie Posters

Click here to see 2008 movie posters.

Merry Cemetery

I have an aunt who hates cemeteries. We were in my mom's hometown of Catahoula, Louisiana several years back for some sort of festival. My mom and a few other people convinced my aunt to walk down the street with them to the little cemetery to look for headstones of relatives buried there. Reluctantly, my aunt went with them.

As she leaned on a monument to catch her breath after the walk down to the cemetery, she heard a loud booming voice and nearly fainted. The loud booming voice was the announcer at the baseball field next to the cemetery. I have a feeling she didn't go to any cemeteries for a long time after that.



I was watching Anthony Bourdain's show (No Reservations) the other night and he was in Romania. They went to a place called Merry Cemetery. I was amazed at the colorful tombstones which had pictures and poems about the person's life. Some of the tombstones actually depict the way the person died. I wonder if Aunt Hazel would have a freak-out in that cemetery, too.

An Opening Line that Does Work

In a previous post, I gave you a couple of examples of what occasionally goes through my mind on a typical night out with my friends, when we don't have any men with us. In the comments on that post, I mentioned one of the strangest things a guy ever said to me. He walked up to me at an AC/DC tribute band show, sort of hovered over me for a bit then said, "You look like a lawyer." Uh. Thanks?

Now, I'll give you an example of an opener that made a table full of women smile. It was Thanksgiving weekend about five years ago. A guy walked up to our table of five women, looked at us and said, "I'm not here to pick anybody up, I don't want to sleep with anybody, I've been divorced two weeks and I just want to dance."

Of course, the fact that he was hilarious and a great dancer did help his cause and he became a good friend (until he found someone he DID want to sleep with). Are you guys out there shaking your heads saying honesty doesn't work? Try it and get back to me. I'll wait.

My Newest Invention

There never seems to be a policeman around when some scary asshole is driving like a maniac swerving in and out of traffic. If I were The Boss of Things:

• Every car would have a bar-code on it's roof.
• Several police units would patrol the town about 50 feet above traffic. (This is the 21st century. Where ARE our flying cars, anyway?)
• When an asshole drives like an asshole, the flying police unit would video the prick then zap the asshole with a bar-code scanner.
• After being zapped by the scanner, a red light on the asshole's dashboard would go on alerting said asshole that he's busted.
• Said asshole would have 30 seconds to pull over and wait for a ground traffic cop to arrive to deal with his dumb ass.

(Can you tell that traffic is pissing me off, lately?)

Pink Floyd Tribute Band at Antone's

A Pink Floyd tribute band will be at Antone's this Saturday. They're called "Bricks in the Wall" and, rumor has it, they are "phenomenal." Click here for their MySpace site.

If you see me, say hello.