Sunday, September 11, 2005

Asshole of the Year Nomination

I don't think it's too early to start making nominations for Asshole of the Year. So, here's my worthy candidate.

We've all been in a parking lot driving around looking for a parking space. On occasion, as soon as you pass up a parked car in a parking space, the owner of the car walks up to the car to leave. If someone is behind you in the parking lot, it's tempting to make that person back up so you can have the parking space, especially if you've been driving around the lot for a while. It's tempting but normal people just keep driving and curse the luck.

One evening several months ago at Crockett Street, I was driving around looking for a parking space. Keep in mind I was a woman, at night, driving around looking for a parking spot. I had driven around about four times when I saw someone walking to their car. I sat and waited and, sure enough, they got into a car in a space right beside me so I backed up and waited for them to leave.

As I was sitting there, I noticed a guy in a big black pickup truck which HAD ALREADY TURNED THE CORNER at the end of the parking lot turn around and look at me and begin to back up. I thought, "Oh, no he isn't." But, oh, yes, he was. He backed up the whole half length of the parking lot and hit the front of my car.

You might ask, "Why didn't you back up so he wouldn't hit you?" I didn't back up because I knew the asshole saw me and I thought he was just going to back up and see if he could make me back up and give him the space. I couldn't believe that a man would force a woman to back up in a dark parking lot to give him a parking space especially after he had already driven so far past the space.

There were a few people in the parking lot so I felt safe getting out of my car to confront the son-of-a-bitch. When I got out of my car, he actually looked at me and said, "I thought you were going to back up." Asshole Point Number 1: He definitely saw me. Then, he said, "That's a new truck." Asshole Point Number 2: Who gives a fuck?! YOU HIT ME!

I looked at him and said, "New truck?! This is a new car!!! YOU hit ME!" He backed off and said, "Do you want my insurance?" (No, asshole, I want your mamma's crabcake recipe.) I glared at him with my best Don't-Fuck-With-Me-Stare (of which some of you are familiar) and he meekly walked back to his truck and got his insurance information. I followed him to his truck and noticed there was a woman in the front seat of the truck. She wouldn't even look at me. I would love to know what happened to that date. I wanted so bad to say something to her about the prick she was with but I knew that if she was married or dating this asswipe, she had enough problems.

He asked for my insurance information and I, basically, told him to kiss my ass because I wasn't about to let him pin this on me by saying I had hit him since all of the witnesses had scattered to the four winds. He, once again, backed off and his insurance company took care of everything and my car was repaired within two days.

If you've encountered an asshole this year that can top this one, you have my deepest sympathies.


Lorna said...

I have encountered six, and thanks for the good thoughts.

ME Strauss said...

You're right. If you don't have the winner, you have a damn close contender. I think you might go the whole way with this one.

Popeye said...

Well, its probably a good thing you didn't hurt him with the steriods and everything. He was luck to get out of there alive. The illustration is very nice, by the way.

Marinade Dave said...

He probably has a small pee pee.

Ed Abbey said...

Point One: I always park in the farthest extemity of the parking lot as a rule. I hate jockeying for position.

Point Two: In one case (as it probably was in yours) the parking lot was full and I was waiting patiently for someone to back out. Two ladies in a small Geo came around the corner, drove around the car backing out, cutting them off and drove into the space with me sitting there. A long story short, I found another spot and they found four deflated tires when they left. That is why God invented tires with valve stems.

Larry Jones said...

My rule is I don't stop and wait for a soon-to-be-available parking space if there is any vehicle moving anywhere that I can see. I believe God will show me a parking space when it is time for me to park, and it will upset the universe for me to block traffic - however temporarily - and take a space that is not open as I drive by. So you might have been violating that rule by stalking a person who might have been walking to their car and then waiting for them to pull out.

On the other hand, it's my rule, not yours, and except for President Bush telling Michael "Brownie" Brown that he's "...doing a heckuva job..." the guy in the truck would get my vote for Asshole of the Year in a heartbeat.

Nice illustration, too. There should be more of those in blogs. In fact, there should be more of those in real-life conversations, to take the ambiguity out and avoid misunderstandings.

OldHorsetailSnake said...

The species isn't getting much better, is it?

Tina said...

Wow, I wondered where my ex-husband ended up....

See for updates on my new life.

lg said...

Let me guess; the Asshole was wearing bluejeans, boots and a cowboy hat. His date had 6 lbs of makeup on and some kind of chemical and other products in her hair. Since it was a new truck - I suppose he hadn't had time to have his and her decals cut for the rear window. Just please, tell me it wasn't a Ford. Most of the aforedescribed and beautifully rendered assholes in your blog are in Chevrolets, Dodges and faux pickups manufactured by people with foreign names. I drive an F150 4 door (that's a Ford, for some of you females that don't know)4x4. I park a good distance away because I want the cripples and the ladies to have the good spots and I don't mind the walk. Plus I don't like people opening their doors onto my paint. If by some slim chance your Asshole was driving a Ford, then he must be from Arkansas. Now, to look at this from a completely different perspective, and in view of the fact "she" wouldn't look at you, this whole thing could have been female driven: "I don't want to walk a half a mile in this humidity! Back up to that spot you passed, that woman will let you in!" Then, in an attempt to alieve as much bitching as possible, he may have succumbed to her wishes. Him: "uh, she ain't moving!" Her: "Just keep going, this truck is bigger than her car!" (BANG) No matter what happened, his date/wife called him an idiot and still wonders why she was with him - and now of course, he's the subject of your annual nomination. LG

Laurie said...

Lorna - Just six?

ME - Read some of the other comments. There's a lot of competition.

Popeye - Damn lucky!

Marinade Dave - No doubt.

Ed - That's unbelievable!!!!!!!

Larry - I believe in the mysteries of the universe. Maybe I need to try that.

Old Horsetail - Scary ain't it?

Tina - Yep, I found him.

LG - I want to kick HER ass.

Tanda said...

10 points for tenacity;
10 points for "the look";
10 points for refusing to give your insurance info;
And finally...
20 points for not leaving the asshole a leg to stand on.

Go Laurie, it's your birthday!! Well, it was... :0)

Laurie said...

Tanda - I like the way you grade.

Chrissy said...

Good for you. I'm sorry you got hit, but it is good you didn't give in to that obviously insane person. Don't you wonder sometimes how people like that function in life????

Laurie said...

Chrissy - When I think about it, I still can't believe he did that.

Renee said...

I just started reading your blog today. Ooh girl, you make me laugh!