Keith Richards Falls Out of Palm Tree on Fiji

Rolling Stones guitarist Keith Richards fell out of a palm tree earlier this week on the island of Fiji and was treated for a mild concussion.

Of all the ways I would expect Keith Richards to injure himself, falling out of a palm tree, on Fiji, no less, wouldn't even be in the top one thousand. Number one would be some sort of accidental electricity mishap involving his guitar and a close second would be falling off a stage during the fifth bar of a rousing Satisfaction encore. Numbers three through ten would probably involve drugs and/or alcohol and the top twenty ways of Keith earning a trip to the ER would be rounded out by any multitude of well earned sexual, chemical, toxic or wardrobe related incidents.

Wouldn't you love to be the doctor who has to decide if there's any brain damage? To start with, the man is 62 years old and he was up a palm tree. Most people stop climbing trees much earlier than 62, let alone a tree with no branches. I think the bar is going to have to be set pretty low as far as the benchmark for when this guy is released back into the general population as back to normal. Normal for Keith Richards certainly has to fall into a medical category all its own.

Edited to add: Two additional bits of information are floating around this morning. The first is that Ron Wood was with him which begins to explain why he was up that tree in the first place.

"I fancy a coconut."

"Well, mate, why don't you just shimmy up that lovely coconut tree there and have a go at it?"

"I bet I can."

"I bet you can't."

The second bit of information, which I've only seen on blogs and not in an official news source, is that, after Keith was released from the hospital in New Zealand, he went back to Fiji and promptly got on a jet ski, had another accident and was taken back to the hospital. I bet Ron had something to do with that one, too.

"Double or nothin' on the jet ski over there?"

"You're on, mate."

Of course, to someone just passing by, this would all sound like...

"Djoijlfm oimn oinfoienalsi tha?"

"Ymoifem oji mate."

Beginner Bloggers

Seven has a good article for beginning bloggers over at his Blog Flak site.

Gas

My mom sent me this:

I went to the Conoco station and asked for $5 worth of gas.
The owner farted and gave me a receipt.

Hell's Bells Rocks

Today, my office friend, Darlene came into my office at about 11:30 a.m. and announced that my absolute favorite tribute band, Hell's Bells, would be playing at Cactus Canyon tonight.

I did my best to accumulate a crowd on such late notice. As far as I know (and, as you know, I keep up with these things) there was no advertisement that these guys would be playing at all. In fact, Jack and I had discussed it only a week previously and had thoroughly checked their website to see when they would be in the area. In the past, when they played at Antone's, the place was packed and we had to work to get good seats. Tonight, in the Back Room at Cactus Canyon, there was a maximum of 50 people in the club.

These guys still rocked but, by the time they played She Shook Me All Night Long, there were ten people in the place. When they played that song where "Angus" shows his ass (and he did), there were about eight people in the place. For Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap and For Those About to Rock, there were six of us. The good part was that they were, literally, playing for just us. The bad part is, these guys deserve much better.

Meme Me, Baby

Stolen from Old Horsetail Snake by way of Neal...

I AM looking for love in all the wrong places.
I WANT you to want me.
I WISH I had a watermelon.
I HATE spiders and snakes, and that's not what it takes...
I MISS but I keep trying anyway.
I FEAR fear itself.
I HEAR ringing. (That's normal, right?)
I WONDER I wa-wa-wa-wa-wonder, why. Why, why, why, why, why...
I REGRET starting this.
I AM NOT as clever as I thought I was tonight.
I DANCE because when I skip, people look at me funny.
I SING because when I dance, people look at me funny.
I CRY because when I sing, people look at me funny.
I AM NOT ALWAYS responsible for everything they say I did.
I MAKE WITH MY HANDS then I throw it away.
I WRITE all wrongs.
I CONFUSE men.
I NEED you to need me.
I SHOULD have deleted this.
I START me up.
I FINISH You Danish?

Big Bear

I've received these pictures by e-mail a couple of times this week so you might have already seen them. Here are two stories that go along with the pictures:
Snopes (Be careful on this link. There is a particularly gruesome picture at the bottom.)
Truth or Fiction

Beaumont Enacts Smoking Ban

Beaumont City Council passed a smoking ban on Tuesday effectively banning smoking in all public spaces (excluding some hotels, private clubs and charitable organizations). A person may smoke outside of a business establishment as long as they are at least 25 feet from the door.

I understand the concern of bar and restaurant owners over the possible loss of revenue caused by the ban. However, my drinking and smoking friends are not going to stay away from bars just because they can’t smoke. The lure of alcohol, live music and socializing will override the inconvenience of having to go outside to smoke. Any loss of smoking revenue by bars and clubs to neighboring communities which still allow smoking should be more than made up by people who quit going to bars long ago because of the smoke.

It’s still amazing to think back to the days when people could smoke at their desks or in office break-rooms and on airplanes. In the not so distant future, people will also be amazed that smoking was ever allowed indoors anywhere, including bars and especially restaurants.

Happy Administrative Assistants Day

We had our annual Administrative Assistants Day celebration at work today. We enjoyed a catered barbeque lunch, complete with pecan pie and apple cobbler for dessert, and 15 minute upper body massages.

The massages were given by paid professionals and not by the attorneys which would have been a nice touch. All during my massage, the therapist had to remind me to breath. I’m also constantly in need of the drink-plenty-of-water reminder.

I'm a mammal, for God's sake. Should drinking water and breathing really be such a challenge?

75 Bands

I saw this online a couple of weeks ago and my brother has sent me THIS LINK which has a larger view of the picture and some encoded solutions. This was originally on the Virgin Records site (it might still be there). There are at least 75 bands symbolized in the drawing.

I have a list of solutions in my comments. (I didn't find them myself. My brother sent them to me.)

Here is a link on Flickr with the solutions marked on the picture.

Can't You Smell That Smell? Lynyrd Skynyrd

As I was driving to work this morning, I found myself stopped at a traffic light behind a small construction company pickup truck with four Hispanic men riding in the cab. I noticed the driver look at me in the rear-view mirror and then the side mirror. He did this several times before alerting his cab mates that there was a hot chica behind them.

As you might have guessed, I’m quite fetching in the mornings when seen through a rear-view mirror, from a distance of 20 feet or so, with my Wayfarers on, baby. In response to the Chica Alert, the guy second from the right pulled down the visor on the passenger side and all three of the passengers glared at me through the mirror on the visor. Cool move, dudes.

Then, I noticed they all started laughing and looking at each other. My fragile self-esteem was crushed. A single tear rolled down my cheek as I gripped the steering wheel and softly wept. Actually, I didn't really start crying, but that was a lovely piece of writing, no? What I was really thinking was, “Fuck you, you idiot construction worker assholes.”

Then, the guy sitting beside the driver started waving his arms in the unmistakable fashion of someone trying to disperse a really nasty fart. As it turned out, they weren’t laughing at me at all. One of those guys had evidently cut a big one in the over-crowded cab of that little truck.

Thank, God. It seems that smelly construction workers still find me attractive...when seen through a rear-view mirror...from a distance of 20 feet or so. Yeah, at least I’ve got that going for me.

Poor Bastard...

This is a Keyword Analysis (words entered into search engine that brought them to this blog) entry from my Stat Counter this morning...


how the fuck do i get pccillin off my computer

More Pictures on Flickr

CLICK HERE for more pictures on Flickr (Crawfish Boil, Easter BBQ, After 8 and Cam Pyle)

You Must Be Joking

A man goes into a psychiatrist's office, dressed only in Saran Wrap.
The psychiatrist says, "Well I can clearly see you're nuts."

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Interrupting cow.
Interrupti-
MOO

Knock-knock.
Who's there?
Schizophrenic interrupting cow.
Schizophrenic inter-
Meow!

Knock knock?
Who's there?
Control freak.
Cont-
Now you say "control freak who?"

Last night I dreamt I was eating a giant marshmallow and when I woke up my giant marshmallow was gone!

Q: What's the difference between a 7-11 and a smurf?
A: A 7-11 is a 24-hour convenience store and a smurf is a small blue fictional cartoon character.

J: How many frogs does it take to screw in a light bulb?
L: I don't know, how many?
J: Five!
L: Why five?
J: [shrug] I dunno.

Why do farts stink?
So deaf people can enjoy them too.

Two cows are grazing together. One says to the other, "By the way, aren't you getting worried about that mad cow disease that's going around?"
The second cow replies, "I don't give a shit - I'm a helicopter."

Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella?
Fo' drizzle!

A rabbi, a horse, and an astronaut walk into a bar. The barman looks at the three of them and says "Hey, what is this, some kind of joke?"

Did you hear about the woman who walked into a bar and asked for a double entendre?
The barman gave her one.

Two guys walk into a bar.
Which is odd, because you would think at least one of them would have seen it first.

A duck walks into a convenience store. "Hi," he says, "got any duck food?" "No," replies the clerk. "Okay," the duck says, and leaves. Next day, the same duck walks into the same convenience store. The same clerk is there. "Hi, got any duck food?" asks the duck. "I told you yesterday, no!" the clerk says. "Okay," says the duck, and leaves. This continues for a couple of days until finally the clerk can't take any more. "Look," he snaps, "we didn't have any duck food yesterday, we don't have any today, and we won't have any tomorrow! And if you come in here and ask me for duck food one more time, I'm going to nail your bill to the floor!" Then he kicks the duck out of the store. A few weeks later, the duck comes back. "Hi," he says, "got any nails?" The clerk is taken aback. "No," he replies. "Great!" says the duck. "Got any duck food?"

There was this baby polar bear running around playing away quite happily for a while when he comes to his mother and says "Mummy, am I a real polar bear?""Of course you are dear, now go and play."A little while later he comes back and says "Mummy, are you QUITE sure I am a real polar bear?""Yes dear, I am QUITE sure you are a real polar bear. Now go and play because Mummy is busy, dear."A little while later he comes back yet again and asks "Mummy, are you POSITIVE that I am a real polar bear?""Yes dear, I am positive about that. Your father is a real polar bear father and I'm a real polar bear mummy and you are a real polar bear baby.""Well, if I am a REAL polar bear, why am I so fucking cold?"

How many kids with ADD does it take to screw in a light bulb?
LETS RIDE BIKES!

Guy writing to the Bombay Zoo:
Dear Sir, Please send me two mongooses.
No...
Dear Sir, Please send me two mongeese.
That's not it...
Dear Sir, Please send me two mongi.
Crap...
Dear Sir, Please send me a mongoose. On second thought, make it two.

What did the farmer say when he opened his barn and his plow was missing?
"Where's my plow?"

Q: What has two legs and bleeds a lot?
A: Half of a cat.

Two friends are hiking in the woods, when they suddenly come across a wide, deep, perfectly round hole in the ground. It is so deep, they cannot see the bottom. Intrigued, one friend finds a pebble and drops it in... silence. The second friend finds a large rock, hefts it over, and pushes it into the hole... silence. Finally, the first friend finds a huge wooden plank, pushes it in, and listens... silence.Then a goat comes running through the forest at about 60 mph and jumps straight into the hole, disappearing.As the two friends are taking this in, an old farmer walks by.Farmer: "excuse me, have you seen my goat?"Friend: "we saw a goat, but it just ran straight into this mysterious hole."Farmer: "Oh, then that goat couldn't have been mine. My goat was tied to a huge wooden plank"

Why do mice have such small balls?
Because very few mice know how to dance.

A termite walks into a bar and says, "Is the bar tender here?"

A man is sitting in his living room, hears a knock at the door. Opens the door, nobody there. He looks down and sees a snail on the front porch. Huh. He picks it up and chucks it as hard as he can. Three years later, the man is sitting in his living room, hears a knock. Opens the door. There's a snail on his porch.
Snail says, "What the hell was that all about?"

A dog goes into a telegram office and says to the operator, "Woof woof woof woof woof woof. "
The operator copies it down and says, "You know you can send one more woof for the same price."
The dog says, "But, then it wouldn't make sense."

Pregnant Pause

Last night we went to see Collective Soul at Cactus Canyon. All week long, I would tell people I was going to see Coldplay and they would say, “WHAT?” Then, I would regroup and crush their spirits and say Collective Soul.

I thoroughly enjoyed the show even though we had crappy seats. Collective Soul is quite talented and quite cute. However, for some reason, I was most impressed with the lighting. I guess it was just one of those nights where I was entranced by shiny things.

Regarding the crappy seats, the last few shows we have seen at Cactus Canyon were sparsely attended so, for some reason, Terry, Melissa and I thought we could show up at 7:00 p.m. when the doors open and still get a good place to sit. When we arrived, the line was already past the Chinese restaurant, which means nothing to most of you. Put another way, the line was long. I was worried that we wouldn’t even be able to get barstools but we did manage to do that and we even had a rail to place our empties.

Terry and Melissa and I only had to save two seats: one for Dan and one for Jack. However, at one point, this was more than I could manage and a girl came up behind me as I was sitting down after going to the bar and stole Jack’s stool. Terry and Melissa started yelling at the girl, “No, no, no! That’s ours.” The girl gave us her best “go to hell” look and walked away. I looked at Terry and Melissa and said, “What a bitch!” They said, “Well, she WAS pregnant.” I hadn’t even noticed. I felt bad but, if you’re seven or eight months pregnant and you’re going to a concert, getting there early to get a chair should be your first priority. I half-heartedly looked for her to give her the stool but quickly lost interest in that.

Later in the evening, a man who weighed, no exaggeration, at least 400 pounds sat on Dan’s chair. We decided we didn’t need all those chairs after all.