Holy Sh**! It's the Pope!

My sister Terry and her husband Dan went to Italy a few years ago. While they were there, they also went to Rome where they saw the Pope. Before I tell Terry's Pope story, I have to give a little family history.

In my family cussing is a special language all its own. In fact, it's more of an art form than a language. Cursing is used to express all emotions, whether good or bad. If my grandparents and parents ever edited their expletives when we were kids, I was too young to remember and I remember a lot.

I didn't realize that other families weren't as colorful as mine until my friend Judy came with me to visit my grandparents when we were about 15 or 16 years old. When we got there, we went into the kitchen to kiss my grandmother.

When my grandfather realized we were there, he came into the kitchen, put his arm lovingly around my grandmother and asked, "What's for dinner you tub of sh**?"

Unperturbed, she replied, "Go back and sit down you old fart. I'm cooking a roast and I'll call you when it's ready."

I was looking in the pots so I didn't notice the shocked look on Judy's face until I turned around. She was looking from Grandma to Grandpa to me expecting God knows what to happen. When she realized this was obviously the natural flow of conversation between my grandparents, she laughed so hard I thought she was going to pass out. To this day whenever I see her, Judy talks about my grandparents' version of sweet talk.

Back to the Pope. When Terry and Dan were in the square waiting for the Pope to pass by in his Pope-mobile, Terry got her camera ready to take a picture. Right as the Pope was in range for her to take the perfect picture, her camera malfunctioned. As she told the story to us upon her return, I immediately started laughing.

"What?" she said.

I said, "I'm picturing the Pope being right in front of you, you trying to snap a picture and going 'F**k! Gotdamn cheapass piece of sh**!' and you looking up straight into the shocked eyes of the Pope!"

Unbelievably, that didn't happen and she got a lovely photo of the back of his head.

New Blog Design

Go ahead. Tell me how much you love it. You know you want to.

It was done by my blogging friend, Seven, from New Orleans and I think it's fabulous! He can do you, too, and for a very reasonable fee.

His blog is also very entertaining. If you aren't ready for a redesign, yet, you should still check it out. It's wild!

Book Quiz/Poll

Aisha, one of my fellow NUNS (No Unnecessary Needless Shopping) during Lent, sent me the following poll. In this poll, you will discover exactly how intellectully shallow my literary interests run. My alleged brainiac cover has been blown.

You're stuck inside Fahrenheit 451, which book do you want to be?
(For those of you who don't know, in Fahrenheit 451, the books were being burned so people had to memorize a book.)

I would want to be Pet Semetary by Stephen King so I could go around scaring the crap out of people. They would run like hell and I would chase after them shouting my book word for word and I would have separate voices for each character.

Have you ever had a crush on a fictional character?

Rhett Butler, of course.

The last book you bought is:

America (by Jon Stewart and the cast of the Daily Show)

The last book you read:

Cat's Cradle (Kurt Vonnegut)

What are you currently reading?

The Lord of the Rings Trilogy
Harry Potter and The Sorcerer's Stone
America (see above)
Someone also gave me Angels & Demons (Dan Brown) which I haven't yet worked into the mix

Five books you would take to a deserted island:

1. The Stand (Stephen King)
2. Valley of the Dolls (Jacqueline Susan) or The Other Side of Midnight (Sidney Sheldon) or Scruples (Judith Krantz)
3. A Wrinkle in Time (Madeleine L'Engle)
4. Centennial (James Michener)
5. The Hobbit (J. R. R. Tolkien)

Who are you going to pass this stick to (3 persons) and why?

Jen - Because she went to college and everything.
Lorna - She is a bookstore regular and I'm interested to know what her answers would be.
Lauren - She is one of my younger blogging friends and I'm curious to see her answers as well.

Si Habla Espanol?

My mom and sister Bonnie and I went to Sam's to buy the plates and seasonings and other things we needed for the pre-Easter crawfish boil. As we walked down one of the aisles, I noticed an elderly Hispanic couple trying to put a large box into their basket. The box contained a huge stainless steel pot with a butane burner.

Being the good Samaritan I am, I stopped to help them get the box onto their basket. As I was helping them put the box in the basket, the man was asking me something in Spanish. I don't speak Spanish. We were wrestling with the heavy box and he was chattering away and I was desperately trying to figure out what he was trying to tell me because the damn box was heavy.

We finally got the box onto their basket and he looked at me and pointed to the display burner and pot. He pointed specifically to the burner and then to the box. Oh! He wanted to know if the burner was included in the box or if it was only the pot. Got it.

"Yes, yes, yes," I said pointing to the box in his basket and then to the display. "The burner is included."

He couldn't understand me but I could tell he knew what I meant. He thanked me and he and his wife walked away with their pot and burner. I was proud of my good deed and told mom and Bonnie about what I had done when I caught up with them.

As we finished our shopping and were walking to the checkout area, I again saw the old couple. My pride in myself quickly faded when I noticed what was in their basket. It was a big box alright but it was a big box with the pot and no burner. The reason I was having so much trouble helping them get the box with the burner in their basket was because they didn't want the one with the burner. They just wanted the pot.

I pictured them watching me walk away, cussing me in Spanish, putting the big heavy ass box with the burner back on the floor and then running to the checkout with their stainless steel pot before the crazy white woman could force them to put other things they didn't want into their basket.

"Run! Here she comes with ham and a five pound can of tuna!"

Cousins

We spent a lot of time with family this weekend and in my case, that's a good thing. The picture above is my sister Bonnie, me, my cousin David, his wife Flora and my sister Terry. My brother and his family stayed in Arkansas this year.

The picture was taken last night at Antone's where we saw The Cam Pyle Band which was wonderful, as usual. We were joined by my sister's husband Dan and his two brothers Mike and Steve and by my friend Kelly's husband Clay.

The last song of the evening was something by Metallica and there were two guys (in their 30's at least) standing right up by the stage doing the head banging thing. We laughed so hard watching them and watching their friends watching them that we were crying.

Long live rock and roll!

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My Dad

Did I forget to mention that my dad is a professional clown and has been since my 4th birthday party because my parents didn't want to pay for a real clown and then all the parents wanted him to be a clown for their kids' parties and that he is also a magician and a ventroliquist and was somewhat of a local celebrity doing pantomine and being the master of ceremonies for lots of local functions along with working at the Texaco Refinery in Port Arthur for about 40 years before retiring but he is still a clown and we're afraid he'll drop dead at some kid's birthday party because he just won't quit and that will traumatize the kid for life?

I thought I mentioned that.

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Annual Crawfish Boil

Today was our annual family crawfish boil at my mom's house. Every year, the Saturday before Easter, we have a big crawfish boil. It was wonderful. I'll post more pictures later.

We're going to Antone's tonight to see the Cam Pyle band. They are another one of our favorites out of Baton Rouge. They play a lot of 80's and dance music with a little Bob Dylan (Like a Rolling Stone) and Neil Diamond (Sweet Caroline) thrown in. They also play Stairway to Freebird. Love it!


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Friday Night Standup (Saturday Morning Version) - Love and Marriage

• I'm a terrible lover. I've actually given a woman an anti-climax.-- Scott Roeben
• I'm still going on bad dates when by now I should be in a bad marriage.-- Laura Kightlinger
• My classmates would copulate with anything that moved but I never saw any reason to limit myself.-- Emo Philips
• You can't put a price tag on love but you can on all its accessories.-- Melanie Clark
• To attract men I wear a special perfume. It's called New Car Interior.-- Rita Rudner
• If men could get pregnant, abortion would be a sacrament.-- Florynce Kennedy
• A guy knows he's in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days.-- Tim Allen
• I've been on so many blind dates I should get a free dog.-- Wendy Liebman
• The big difference between sex for money & sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less.-- Brendan Francis
• I can't remember the last time we made love. She says, "Well I can - and that's why we're not."-- Rodney Dangerfield (& wife)
• Male sexual response is far brisker & more automatic. It is triggered easily by things like putting a quarter in a vending machine.-- Dr. Alex Comfort
• Studies have found a number of mechanical devices increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL convertible.-- P.J. O'Rourke
• Politics is the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.-- Ronald Reagan
• Shopping is better than sex because if you're not satisfied after shopping, you can exchange it for something you really like.-- Adrienne Gusoff
• When a man and woman are trying to have sex, he will often climax before she is ready. Sometimes before she is, technically, in the room.-- Dave Barry
• The pleasure is momentary, the position ridiculous and the expense damnable. (His Lordship commenting on sex)-- Lord Chesterfield
• I date this girl for two years and then the nagging starts:"I wanna know your name !"-- Mike Binder
• I'm a Double Bagger. My husband puts a bag over my face to make love. Then he puts one on his in case mine falls off.-- Joan Rivers
• If the authorities warn you of the dangers sex, there is an important lesson to be learned: Do not have sex with the authorities.-- Matt Groening
• My wife is a sex object. Every time I ask for sex, she objects.-- Les Dawson
• There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination, you can overcome that.-- Lewis Grizzard
• Sex is like art. Most of it is pretty bad, and the good stuff is out of your price range.-- Scott Roeben
• I'd like to meet the person who invented sex. First of all, just to say "THANKS !!!" But more importantly, to see what they're working on now.-- George Carlin