• My Netflix queue currently has 314 items in it.


• I add at least 5 items a week to the queue.


• I watch 1 Netflix movie/television show selection per week.


• Sometimes I don't even watch that much.


• It would take me over 6 years to watch the 314 items currently in my queue at one movie/tv show per week.


• It would take me over 12 years to watch the 314 NetFlix thingys if I only watch one thingy every other week.


• Adding 5 new movies per week puts an additional 260 movies in my queue every year


• If I only watch one Netflix item per week, at the end of 6 years I will have 1,560 movies in my queue, because I can never watch as much as I add.


• Crap.

I couldn't hear it, but it sure freaked out my dog

Created by Train Horns

Laurie and the Grand-Fabulous-Ava about 30 years from now

I might have posted this a long time ago, but I just ran across it again and I love it so much that I'm giving it to you again...

Now, that's a bargain!!

Every week, some of the local radio stations offer a Deal of the Week. A couple of weeks ago, you could pay $25 for $50 worth of Pancho Villa Mexican Kitchen food. They still have some left.

Click here to get yours.

Pancho Villa's Mexican Restaurant
230 Crockett Street
Beaumont, Texas 77701
Phone: 409-833-3701

Why?

• Why are there so many truck commercials?


• Why do car salesmen yell in those commercials?


• Why do 90% of the men in Texas think they have to have a truck?


• Why do 80% of those men think their truck has to be able to pull a train engine?


• Why do truck commercials use the same Bob Seeger/Toby Keith/some other tough guy song for their theme song way longer than they should?


• Why do these things annoy me so?

Why yesterday was a bad day

First the dog who usually barely makes it out the door without pooping when I walk him in the morning took forever and I had to walk him for fifteen minutes which caused me to run late then when I opened my new pack of contacts I couldn't remember which contact went into which eye so instead of reading the box I tried to put them in anyway and put them in the wrong eye and couldn't see anything so I took the one out of my right eye and put it back into the contact lens container and took the other one out of my left eye but dropped it on the counter and when I bent over to pick it up I noticed that the other contact lens didn't go into the case at all but I had also dropped it on the counter so now I was all confused again because both contacts were sitting on the counter so I rinsed them off and put them in my eyes and I could see but my left eye felt like it had a pebble in it but since I was running late because of the constipated dog I just left it in and figured I would take it out and rinse it off when I got to the office but when I got to the office and took it out and rinsed it off it still hurt so I decided to just take the lenses out but I realized that although I have three hundred and fifty empty contact lens cases at home I have none at my office or in my purse so I went to the bathroom to put the contact lens back in my eye so I could drive to CVS and buy a new case because I can't drive with only one contact lens but forgot I had been eating jalapeno pistachios (see previous post) and burnt the hell out of my left eye but since they were new contacts I wasn't about to just throw them away since I didn't have a case so I put them back into my eyes (OUCH) and drove to CVS with burning eyes to get a contact lens case and I brought my glasses with me so I could take the contacts out as soon as I got back into my car with the new case but I had forgotten the contact lens solution back at the office and since I didn't want to go back into CVS to buy more solution I drove back to my office with burning eyes and finally got back to my office with a new contact lens case and took the f.u.c.k.e.r.s out.

The End.

It's Not What You Think

Laurie: You want some?

Nameless guy friend: Sure.

Laurie: Give me your hand.

Nameless guy friend: Have you sucked it?

Laurie: Ew! No!!

Nameless guy friend: You should. It's hotter that way.

Laurie: This one's hard.

Nameless guy friend: You have to squeeze it.

The Poll Results

What should Laurie give up for Lent?

Total votes = 23
No Unnecessary Needless Shopping (NUNS) (26%)
Give up drinking (26%)
No eating out for lunch during the week (30%)
All of the above (17%)

The poll was so close that I'm going to give up the shopping and the lunches and I'll give up margaritas, too. Off we go!

What Should Laurie Give Up For Lent?

It's Mardi Gras time which means Lent is just around the corner. Lots of good Catholics and semi-good Catholics like me, give up something for Lent.

Selfishly, as is my way, I try to give up things that will force me to either save money or cut back on calories and sometimes both at the same time. A couple of years ago I gave up unnecessary shopping and created a small movement known as N.U.N.S. (No Unnecessary Needless Shopping). For the forty days of Lent, I didn't purchase CDs, books, DVDs, junky junk, video games, clothes, etc. It's more difficult than it sounds.

Last year (or maybe it was the year before), I gave up drinking. That was much easier than the no shopping thing. This year, I'm considering giving up something which will probably be the most difficult of all and which will likely make me extremely unpopular among my friends: no eating out for lunch during the work week.

Exceptions will be made to the no lunch thing for family gatherings, however. There are no exceptions to the no drinking thing...not even Courville's concerts. The only exception I allow myself to the no shopping thing is that if my one pair of black pants or brown shoes or black flats gets ruined for some reason, I can replace them.

I'll let you decide. For those of you who vote for "all of the above," God will get you and keep in mind that karma is a bitch.

Once again, "What the hell?"

My fortune cookie today...

Whatchu talkin' about Confucius?

Let's do it again

Search your name and the word "wants." These are much better than my Laurie "needs."

• Laurie wants to rule the dial.
• Laurie wants to raise awareness.
• Laurie wants her hooves buffed.
• (Hugh) Laurie wants my body.
• Laurie wants to make the event as pleasurable and fun as possible.
• Laurie wants to ride motorcycle across the U.S.
• Laurie wants to stop the runaway train.
• Laurie wants you to kick ass.
• Laurie wants to know what you're going to do with the baton in your hands.
• Laurie wants to learn more about this girl who she finds out is her sister.
• Laurie wants to update her blog but is just too lazy.

What the hell?

Crazy Japanese Foot Acrobats from 1904 - watch more funny videos

It's an Emmy!!

Yes, boys and girls, that is a real live Emmy! My beautiful friend Jen's brother-in-law is a composer and recently won an actual freakin' Emmy for his score for a documentary. I'm going to go visit Jen sometime this summer (we're dying to take a girl's trip to the very haunted Myrtles Hotel) and I'm going to take a picture of me with that Emmy, by God.

Laurie Needs

This might be old, but it's the first time I've seen it. Go to your favorite search engine and type your name and the word "needs." For example, "Laurie needs." Here are some of mine:

1. Laurie needs to read the CBE Certification.
2. Laurie needs a crash helmet.
3. Laurie needs help.
4. Laurie needs to lose weight.
5. Laurie needs flight school.
6. Laurie needs a haircut.
7. Laurie needs in on this.
8. Laurie needs her days off, too.
9. Laurie needs to update more often.
10. Laurie needs no introduction.

Leave me some of your favorites for your name in the comments.

Ava's Valentine's Day

I'm having trouble uploading videos tonight. So, to see all of the pictures plus videos, click here.

Blowing bubbles with paw-paw...















Waiting for mommy and daddy to get back from their Valentine's Day movie date.

(The rocker Ava is sitting in was my rocker when I was her age. My mom and dad reupholstered it and repainted it for the Grand-Fabulous-Ava.)

And you thought I couldn't do it

A week or so ago, I did this post and there were doubters (Steve) who thought I wouldn't be able to conquer such an intensive schedule of events. With the exception of "The Rat Pack" which Mary Beth and I never got around to and Mardi Gras and the February alumni gathering which haven't happened, yet, I rocked them all.

All of Dick's bands (Badfaith, Longneck Road, Madison Monroe) were terrific, as usual. Ray Wylie Hubbard was great in the newly remodeled Courville's. Check out the Courville's schedule for upcoming shows.

As fantastic as all of that was, the highlight of my week was the discovery of the band I saw tonight. Evidently, they've been around a couple of years, but I had never seen them before. The band is called Simple Logic and the lead singer is the best I've ever seen locally and I've seen lots and lots and lots of incredible local talent in my day.

His covers of Maroon 5, John Mayer, Jason Mraz, Eric Clapton, Train, Dishwalla, Matchbox 20 and so many others that I can't even remember were perfection. Then, as if all that weren't enough, to top it all off, he did Marvin Gaye's "Let's Get It On."

Upcoming: Kinky Friedman at Courville's and Simple Logic opening for Billy Bob Thornton's band at Whiskey River. I'll keep you posted.

Also: Thank you, Beaumont, for being non-smoking. Four bars in four nights would not have been nearly as enjoyable drenched in smoke.

Bar/Club/Cafe recommendation: You should check out the Logon Cafe. Good food, nice people, interesting beer and wine selection. Ever had a Hoegardden beer or a Tercos Malbec wine? You can get both at the Logon and I highly recommend the turkey melt.

Happy Singles Awareness Day to Mii

They were out of the Wii Fit, but this will get me started.

Up in Smoke: Seth Myers and Saturday Night Live on Kelloggs and Michael Phelps

Good luck to you, sir

I heard a commercial today for some jewelry store that said, "You only have one day out of the year to show her how you really feel."

Only one day? Really?

If you're only showing her how you feel one day out of the year, I assure you she already knows how you really feel.

I don't usually floss there

Sometimes inspiration for a new purchase comes from an unexpected source. This morning as I was walking the dog, he stopped to take his regular morning poop. Instead of finishing, however, he started to do the butt-scoot-boogie across the grass. Upon further inspection, I realized the mint flavored dental floss he had evidently eaten out of my bathroom waste basket wasn’t going to come out on its own.



As I was pulling the crap encrusted dental floss out of Oakley’s ass, I thought, “You know what you need, Laurie? A covered waste basket for the bathroom.”

My latest purchase. Money well spent.

Good Chocolate

Chocolate Eclair

Chocolate Praline

Fudge!

Chocolate and Peanut Butter

Chocolate Covered Pecans

Chocolate and Caramel

Chocolate Covered Pretzels

Chocolate Icing on Glazed Donuts

Chocolate Fudge Cake

Bad Chocolate

Chocolate Pearls
Do people really like these?



Chocolate Lip Gloss
Not as yummy as it sounds.



Chocolate Candle
Also, not as yummy as it sounds.


Chocolate Mint
I don't like chocolate and mint together. Blech.


Dark or Bittersweet Chocolate
How could anything called bittersweet possibly be a good thing?


Dark Chocolate...and Mint
No, no, no.




Orange and Chocolate
No, no, no, no.



Orange and Chocolate and Mint
No, no, no, no, no.




Chocolate Bubblegum
I can't even imagine who thought this up.

Chocolate Mint Bubblegum
Not no, but hell no.

Bits and Pieces

One day last week, I kept passing by a co-worker's desk and seeing the above bubble wrap with a hammer on it. How bad has your day been when you have to take a hammer to the bubble wrap?
As I was preparing my healthy lunch of sausage biscuit, potato chips and Dr. Pepper, I noticed my supposedly unopened box of six sausage biscuits was two sausage biscuits short. What the hell? Jimmy Dean owes me some sausage. Upon further inspection, I found that some pot heads had opened the bottom of the box and snaked two sausage biscuits. A pot head owes me some sausage.


We have a new cable channel called "Chiller." At first, I was excited. After perusing the channel guide, however, I find the station carries a lot of slasher type stuff, which I'm not crazy about unless zombies are involved. On the other hand, there's going to be a Twin Peaks marathon all day Tuesday. I feel a sick day coming on.

The Kind of Post That Makes George B. Jealous (not George Bush)

Saturday, February 7 - Aunt Hazel 65th Birthday Party!

Sunday, February 8 - Benefit for my cousins (see post below)

Tuesday, February 10 - "The Rat Pack" @ Julie Rogers Theater

Wednesday, February 11 - Badfaith (*) @ The West Bar & Grill

Thursday, February 12 - Ray Wylie Hubbard @ Courville's

Friday, February 13 - Southern Embers and Longneck Road @ Logon Cafe (*)

Saturday, February 14, Simple Logic with Madison Monroe @ Logon Cafe (*)

February 20, 21 and 22 - Mardi Gras Port Arthur (*)

Tuesday, February 24 - Mardi Gras @ The Star Bar on Crockett Street

Saturday, February 28 - Monthly TJ Alumni Gathering @ The Star Bar on Crockett Street

(*) My friend Dick is in all these bands.