Never Dance With...

When I first got divorced, I had a lot to learn about going out to bars. I started dating my ex-husband when I was 17 years old and we married the year I turned 21. So, I had no clubbing experience whatsoever when I divorced seven years later. Lucky for me, I had my sister Bonnie and her friend Kelly to tutor me in the three D's of drinking, dancing (country and otherwise) and dating.

Bonnie recently did a post in which she apologizes for being a dancing snob. Bonnie and Kelly are excellent country western dancers and actually taught dancing back in those days. They were very particular about who they would dance with. I, on the other hand, would dance with anyone at least once.

One night, I arrived at Get Down Brown's in Port Arthur an hour or so after Bonnie and Kelly because I was going to college at night. As soon as I walked up to Bonnie and Kelly, who were standing beside the dance floor, a guy came up behind me and asked me to dance. I thought, "Wow, this is going to be a good night. I just walked in and someone is already asking me to dance."

It wasn't until I was on the dance floor that I realized that my partner was obviously a foreign seaman (Port Arthur is a port town, hence the name), could speak no english but insisted on trying to talk to me anyway, not bad looking but wearing white patent leather shoes. He also danced like an insane chicken.

When I got off the dance floor, Kelly and Bonnie bombarded me with instructions:

1. Never dance with anyone who comes up to you from behind.
2. If they do come up to you from behind, look down and check out their shoes. If the shoes are okay, work your way up from there before deciding if you're going to dance with them.
3. Always look at them (Kelly or Bonnie) for a yea or nay. (They knew everybody.)

I said, "Aren't y'all over reacting? Granted the shoes were a bad fashion choice and he did dance like an insane chicken but he's just trying to have fun."

"Laurie," Bonnie said, "Before you got here, he was dancing with another guy."

How Not To Get Beat Up By The Police

Due to a late night of Tiramusu and Sugar Baby martini's, I present you tonight with some classic Chris Rock. Sorry, Old Horsetail, it's the best I can do tonight. The martini's were just too yummy for me to post anything original. I'm going to bed. Post you tomorrow.

In the meantime, the link is hilarious. I hope it works.

Don't Try This At Home

The following is reprinted from an article by D'Arcy Rickard, "The Red Deer Advocate", Red Deer, Alberta, Canada.

STETTLER -- An 18-year old Stettler man tried to eat his underwear in the hope that the cotton fabric would absorb alcohol before he took a breathalyzer test, provincial court heard this week.

David Zurfluh was subsequently acquitted of a charge of impaired driving because he blew .08, the legal limit.

But the testimony broke up people in Judge David MacNaughton's provincial court here Thursday afternoon.

Mr. Zurfluh was collared by RCMP Const. Bill Robinson after he ran from his vehicle, which had been seen weaving down the highway.

While sitting in the back of the patrol car, Mr. Zurfluh tried to eat his shorts, Const. Robinson told the court.

Mr. Zurfluh said he ripped the crotch out of his shorts, stuffed the fabric in his mouth and then spit it out.

A class of law students from William E. Hay Composite High, in court as observers, was removed by the teacher when testimony enlivened the proceedings. The Grade 11 and 12 students had difficulty maintaining composure.

"People were leaving the courtroom with tears in their eyes, trying not to laugh," said RCMP Const. Peter McFarlane.

God, I Hope He Didn't See That

When I was just starting out as a legal secretary, it was the mid-80's. My boss was an old-fashioned guy who still dictated short letters and memos rather than using a tape recorder.

One day, he called me into his office to *take a letter.* For those of you under the age of thirty, to *take a letter* is when one person dictates whatever he wants to say in the letter and the other person writes down everything that is said in *shorthand.* *Shorthand* is a type of speedwriting in which letters and combinations of letters are written in a code made up of dots and lines and curves and then later deciphered. We also didn't have PC's (we had word processors), e-mail or fax machines and most of the bosses didn't know how to type. But, that's another post for another day.

When I finished taking the dictation, my boss got on the phone and I stood up and headed toward the door still looking at my *steno pad.* *Steno pad* is a phrase for a little spiral notebook which had a line down the middle and you wrote the dictation in *shorthand* on one half of the page and continued to the other half if it was a long letter.

At the same time as I was reading the *steno pad*, I was walking quickly toward the door because there was a very small window of time between taking down the letter in shorthand and being able to decipher it into a coherent document later. One of the problems with *shorthand* is that the lines and curves and combinations of lines and curves are all very similar and taken down more or less phonetically and very quickly. So, I always had to read my dictation immediately after I wrote it and make some quick notes so I wouldn't forget what was said.

As I was walking and reading, I ran right into the partially opened door with my right boob. Actually, I didn't just run into it, I crashed into it. I wanted to yell, 'F**k!' but, instead, just kept walking thinking my boss had turned his back to the door and had, hopefully, not seen anything.

When I got to my desk, my boss said, "Laurie?"

I said, "Sir?" (We were very polite in the olden days.)

"Did you just run into the door?" he asked.

"Yes, sir," I answered.

He asked, "Are you okay?"

"Yes, sir," I responded.

"Okay," he said.

"Okay," I said, out loud.

But in my head, "F**k!"

Blogger Picture Posting Test

Blogger has added the ability to post pictures directly from the editing screen. This is a test of that feature.

This is the Jive Train dude with the picture on the left.

This is the Jive Train dude floating in the center of the post.

This is the Jive Train dude with the picture positioned to the right.

I love that Jive Train dude.

Blogger Picture Posting Test - Part Deux

It comes in sizes, too.

Two Goodies

Here are two links for you. The first I stole from Susan in St. Paul. It's a Weblog Survey conducted by Massachusetts Institute of Technology. The survey takes about 15 minutes and, as with all surveys, the more participants, the more realistic the results.




I love the second link. Be sorted into the proper house at Hogwarts, just like Harry Potter. I'm a Hufflepuff. Click on the words *Be Sorted* below my Hufflepuff shield.


Be Sorted @ nimbo.net

Rockfest77 - It's a Wrap

Rockfest 77 is history. I had a great time. I got there at about 1:30 p.m. and it ended around midnight. It was in the covered amphitheater, thank God, so the heat wasn't too bad. Nonetheless, I still came away from the event smelling like a longshoreman. Before I take a shower, however, I wanted to do a quick post.

I couldn't bring in my camera so the only picture you get is of me before the show. If I had any balls, I would take one of me right now but mama didn't raise no fool.

I was joined at the fest by Shannon, Darlene and Mary Beth from the office and a few members of their families. And, as always, no tribute band performance is complete for me unless I'm accompanied by Wang Chi. I'll leave the reviews to him since he's so much better at it.




Peace out.

Bryan Adams, Please Sign My Boobie

I just watched a video of Bryan Adams (*See note below regarding the video link.) on the Today Show and I'm happy to report that he still sounds and looks great.

I actually met Bryan Adams on August 21, 1987 at The Summit in Houston. At the time, my brother and sister-in-law lived in Houston and my brother worked for Budweiser. Since Budweiser was a sponsor of the concert, my brother was able to get backstage passes for him, his wife and me.

There were about twenty of us there (it wasn't an intimate gathering, dammit) sort of standing in a rather awkward circle. Bryan walked around the circle shaking hands, signing autographs and being charming. When he got to me, I had strategically placed by backstage pass sticker over my right breast. I was wearing a sundress. You get the picture. I just pointed at the backstage pass and he blushed, took a step backward and then went in for the signature. I was in Heaven (sneaky Bryan Adams song reference there).



To this day, it is one of the best concerts I have ever seen. His backstage Clark Kent persona totally transformed into a rocking Superman running all over the stage, assaulting the audience with amazing guitar licks and jumping off of speakers.

Lorna, my Canadian friend, he is still one of your best exports. Thanks for sharing.


*Note regarding video link - The link to the video takes you to the directory for all Today show videos and the one which will automatically play is the choice of the Today show. When I clicked it after making this post I got the video of Tom Cruise sparring with Matt Lauer about Ritalin. Search for the Bryan Adams video though. You won't be disappointed.

Skateboarding Bulldog

Am I the last person to hear about this?! Watch the videos. You won't believe it.




*Ty*

Hit Me Baby

I watched Hit Me Baby One More Time last night. The premise of the show is performers of the Where Are They Now genre are pitted against each other to win money for the charity of their choice. The performers sing their most popular song from back in the day and then sing a cover of a currently popular tune. It’s hosted by a giant of a man with some sort of indistinguishable and barely intelligible Anglo-European accent.

Thelma Houston (Don’t Leave Me this Way) blew away the competition on last night’s show. The week before, Irene Cara won but I was rooting for Wang Chung especially after they did a cover of Nelly’s It’s Getting Hot In Here.

Staying with the music theme of this little post, these are the CD’s I brought to work today:

1. Pure Funk (Various Artists)
2. Thank God It’s Friday (Soundtrack)
3. 50 Number Ones (George Strait)
4. Lie to Me (Johnny Lang)
5. O Brother, Where Art Thou (Soundtrack)

(Note to Susan in Minnesota and Wang Chi: I know, I know, “No Al Stewart?” He’s at home by my computer for evening listening.)

Rockfest77 Update

According to Local Music Guide, it appears that a Kiss tribute band has been added to the Rockfest77 lineup:

“A surprise band will be performing as well,” said Cain. “A KISS tribute band has agreed to come in as well, and they will be performing with full makeup and so on,” he said.

Do the Math

The following McDonald's ad for the McFlurry, Sundae and Cones might at first appear idiotic since it so obviously states the obvious. However, it made me think about last weekend when my sister and I and our friend Melissa worked the door at my other sister's class reunion.






As we were getting our instructions from Bonnie, Melissa asked how much money we had to collect. Bonnie said, "It's $35 per person and $65 per couple." Melissa took out a piece of paper and wrote the following:




I looked at the paper and then looked at Melissa and said, "What's that?" She said, "It's our cheat sheet in case someone gives us a hundred dollar bill." I busted out laughing until I realized she was serious. I said, "I'm sorry. I thought you were kidding. Thanks." I've probably mentioned before that Melissa is a very intelligent person. Sure, she's insane, but, she's also very smart.

The joke was on me. After three Malibu Rum and Pineapple Juice cocktails, I was using the hell out of Melissa's cheat sheet. I don't know if it was because I knew I had that little crutch sitting there on the table right in front of me, but I swear to you, every time someone handed me a hundred dollar bill, my mind went completely blank and I had to look at Melissa's wonderful little sheet of paper to give the correct change.

Then again, it might have been the rum.

Watch Your Ass

Monday morning, I was only half awake as I entered the elevator lobby in my building. As I was standing there waiting for the elevator, a young girl walked up and we exchanged the usual small Monday morning smiles. When we got on the elevator, the girl made a little small talk and I responded with even smaller talk and exited the elevator. As I was leaving the elevator, the Awfully-Perky-for-a-Monday girl said, "Have a good day." I replied with an obligatory, "You too."

As a little background, I'm not a morning person. When my son was growing up, we could make it from "It's time to get up" to "Have a good day" with less than five words spoken between us. It's not that I'm cranky, I'm just quiet, especially in the morning. As soon as I turn off my radio alarm, that's it for morning noise. I don't turn on the television or radio and sometimes I don't even turn on the car radio for the drive to work.

As you might imagine, I find *morning people* to be extremely irritating. There's nothing they have to say that can't wait until at least 9:00 a.m. That being said, Awfully-Perky-for-a-Monday girl had a nice quality about her that actually didn't bother me too much. This brings me to the title of this post.

Tuesday morning as I was again waiting for an elevator, lo and behold, the same Perky Girl walked up. That morning, however, there were about four other people waiting also. Friendly Tuesday morning smiles were exchanged all around. As we were getting on the elevator, I noticed that Perky Girl's skirt was halfway unzipped in the back revealing something aqua underneath. I don't know what the aqua thing was but I was pretty sure it wasn't meant to be seen by the general public.

So, I whispered to Perky Girl that her underwear was showing. No, I didn't. I whispered to her that her skirt was unzipped in the back. She was embarrassed but I think she was glad I said something. If she hadn't been so friendly the morning before, it would have never in a million years occurred to me to mention to a total stranger that her skirt was unzipped.

The moral of this story is that you should be nice to people (even if they're in cranky Monday morning mode) or you might end up showing your ass.

That's a Croc!

Sign in the Corbett National Park, India:

Notice – Ramganga River is inhabited by crocodiles. Swimming is prohibited. Survivors will be prosecuted.

Rockfest77 and Angus Young's Ass

It's finally here. Months ago we bought tickets to Rockfest77. Some local guy is filming a movie about the 1970's and he is producing a fake rock festival to be included in the movie. Playing at the festival this Saturday will be tribute bands recreating tours by Pink Floyd (Us and Them), Rolling Stones (Satisfaction), AC/DC (TNT) and Led Zeppelin (Zoso). If you wear 1970's clothes, you might even get to be in the movie.

The tribute bands we've seen at Antone's (including Satisfaction and Us and Them) have been fantastic. I can't wait to see them in the larger venue of Ford Arena. I have a commenter on this blog who says she has questions about the event. The cost is $15 and the gates open at 1:00 p.m. I hope I have answered most of her questions. For additional information, check out Wang Chi's blog, the most informative site on the net. He has several good posts about Rockfest77 over there.

The filming and concert are supposed to last until around 11:00 p.m. I'll probably be the first one there and the last to leave. I'm bringing my son and daughter-in-law and my sister and her family are also going. Of course, no one wants to go early except me but I'm as interested in the filming as I am the concert so I don't want to miss anything. I'm sure everyone will also crap out early (my son and daughter-in-law have a going away party to go to) but I plan to stay until the bitter, hot, sweaty, muggy miserable end. I'm going to get my $15 worth.

Angus Young's Ass

To get in the mood, I've been listening to my Led Zeppelin, Pink Floyd, AC/DC and Rolling Stones CD's at work this week. Last night I watched my DVD of AC/DC Live at Donington. It is a wonderful concert movie.

At one point, I was reading the back of the DVD box and noticed The Jack would be coming up next after Jailbreak. I was getting sleepy and The Jack is my favorite AC/DC song so I hit scan forward. WHOA! When I hit scan during Jailbreak, Angus was fully clothed. At the beginning of The Jack, he was only in his little shorts. Rewind.

During Jailbreak, Angus does his little strip tease and plays his guitar while rolling around on the ground and just, generally, tears it up. Finally, he dropped the shorts only to reveal British flag boxers. Damn! Ah, but he was only teasing. A short while later, he oh so briefly, moons the crowd. Thanks to the magic of DVD technology, I could rewind (okay, scan backward) and freeze frame to my heart's content.

I think I'll go watch it again. Just to get in that 70's mood, you understand.

This Should Keep You Busy for a While

The Raft IQ Game

Dance, Dance, Dance

These two links are great. Watch out for...

• Dancing cars (thanks to Susan)
• Roomates with hidden cameras (thanks to Jen)

Friday Night Quotes (Two Days Late) - Comedy

There was never yet an uninteresting life. Such a thing is an impossibility. Inside of the dullest exterior there is a drama, a comedy, and a tragedy.
Mark Twain

The Four Levels of Comedy: Make your friends laugh, make strangers laugh, get paid to make strangers laugh, and make people talk like you because it's so much fun.
Jerry Seinfeld

Comedy is very controlling. You are making people laugh. It is there in the phrase 'making people laugh.' You feel completely in control when you hear a wave of laughter coming back at you that you have caused.
Gilda Radner

Our first gig was a battle of the bands. We did 45 minutes of comedy and never played a note - and we won!
Cheech Marin

You must realize that honorary degrees are given generally to people whose SAT scores were too low to get them into schools the regular way. As a matter of fact, it was my SAT scores that led me into my present vocation in life, comedy.
Neil Simon

You can think of Hollywood as high school. TV actors are freshmen, comedy actors are maybe juniors, and dramatic actors - they're the cool seniors.
Owen Wilson

Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.
Peter Ustinov

I'm a classic example of all humorists - only funny when I'm working.
Peter Sellers

In high school, I was the class comedian as opposed to the class clown. The difference is, the class clown is the guy who drops his pants at the football game, the class comedian is the guy who talked him into it.
Billy Crystal

What is comedy? Comedy is the art of making people laugh without making them puke.
Steve Martin

Comedy has to be based on truth. You take the truth and you put a little curlicue at the end.
Sid Caesar

God writes a lot of comedy... the trouble is, he's stuck with so many bad actors who don't know how to play funny.
Garrison Keillor

Life is a tragedy when seen in close-up, but a comedy in long-shot.
Charlie Chaplin

Monty Python was well-known for pushing and breaking comedy taboos and raising a stir. We were also the first show to do cannibalism as a schtick.
Graham Chapman

It's nice to see that look of alarm on the faces of the others.
Graham Chapman

I am also an Emmy winning actress. Except that I gotta tell ya, it was for comedy and I've been practicing for most of my life because every job I've ever had they'd always say the same thing, 'Hey Lauper, what are ya, some kind of comedienne?' Who knew?
Cyndi Lauper

My comedy is different every time I do it. I don't know what the hell I'm doing.
Adam Sandler

I used to see Jim Carrey in comedy clubs and tell him 'This isn't going to get you anywhere. What you're good at is that nice Jimmy Stewart stuff.' Thank God he never listened.
Jane Leeves

Saturday Night Class Reunion Report

Working the door at my little sister's class reunion tonight turned out to be pretty uneventful. It was fun seeing people from the old neighborhood. I'm never more comfortable than when I'm with people I've known since elementary school.

Two interesting things I learned for the first time tonight that might not be interesting to anyone but me:

• The haunted house at the end of the street on Duff Drive wasn't haunted at all. Rosa Gomez confessed last night that she made the whole thing up to scare Bonnie and Debbie, inadvertently creating a neighborhood legend.
• My parents and the parents of the Elton kids conspired to let the Elton kids catch chickenpox from us. All these years, the four Elton kids have been holding this secret chickenpox grudge against the four Ransonette kids and I never knew. I thought we were just playing and the whole time it was a little contagious childhood disease funfest created by the parents. It's a good thing the Eltons are such sweet people. I'd hate to be worried that they're secretly concocting a sinister revenge scheme to infect us with a nasty toe fungus or a really bad case of pink eye.

Friday Night Class Reunion Report

I have only one incident to report on the class reunion this evening. I met several nice people whom I will surely remember more about tomorrow but for tonight that's all I can say. The incident I report happened in the ladies' room at the Handlebar. I was waiting, not so patiently, for an empty stall (there were only two) and the following conversation took place between me and the other girl waiting and the two girls who were occupying said stalls:

Girl waiting: I know you, you graduated in '80 with us.

Me: No, that wasn't me, that was my sister.

Girl waiting: When did you graduate?

Me: 1974

Stall 1 girl: I graduated in 1974!

Me: From Thomas Jefferson?!

Stall 1 girl: No, from Bridge City.

Me: (Then I really don't give a f**k. Hurry up!) Oh, I graduated from Thomas Jefferson.

Stall 2 girl: I graduated in 1977.

Me: From Thomas Jefferson?! My brother graduated in 1977!

Stall 2 girl: No from Mauriceville.

Me: (Do you think I give a sh*t if you graduated from Mauriceville in 1977?! Hurry the hell up!) Oh, my brother graduated from Thomas Jefferson in 1977.

Stall 2 girl: Oh.

Me whispering to other girl waiting: What is she DOING in there for God's sake?!

Other girl waiting (also whispering): I think I saw her eat a bran muffin earlier.

Me: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Maybe you had to be there.

Thomas Jefferson Port Arthur Class of 1980 Reunion

This weekend is my little sister Bonnie's class reunion. My sister Terry and her husband Dan and I will be *helping* the reunion committee by working the door and generally making a nuisance of ourselves. Last summer, we worked the door at my mom's class reunion and it's really a lot of fun messing with people, especially if you're drinking free Long Island Ice Teas.

Tonight the social is at Handlebar South in Nederland and Scott McGill will be playing. If you grew up in this area (or not), come out to Handlebar South. It isn't a private party and I'm sure the Class of 1980 will welcome you with open arms (but, not an open bar).

This weekend should be worth at least a couple of blog posts.

A Little Prayer

Dear God,

I’m always reading stories about people being struck by lightning and then receiving the gift of having enhanced psychic abilities.

If I’m ever struck by lightning, I’d prefer not to be given the ability to commune with dead people and I’d just as soon skip the psychic powers. Instead, I would like to sing like Annie Lennox or Gladys Knight or Chaka Khan.

If singing isn’t a lightning induced talent, perhaps you could make me dance like Ginger Rogers or play piano like Billy Joel or Elton John.

If psychic abilities are my only choice, I would still prefer to not see dead people.

Amen.

P.S. Sorry about the Fukitol thing.

Kiss This

I met some girls I used to work with after work today at Chula Vista for cheap margaritas and Mexican food (mostly for the margaritas). One of the girls was telling us about a product she bought called Lip Injection. It's like a lip gloss but it plumps your lips.

A couple of the girls tried it and I swear it looked like it worked. So, of course, I'll be making an online purchase myself shortly.




However, the owner of the Lip Injection warned us that we should be careful not to get it on our tongues. She said she put some on and licked her lips while she was driving and her tongue started to tingle. She was afraid her whole tongue would swell so, as she was driving, she put her mouth in front of the air conditioner vent to cool things off. Can you imagine pulling up beside some chick who's trying to drive with her mouth sucking in air conditioner fumes? And you thought cell phones were bad.

Since we had consumed several margaritas at this point, the conversation went from plump lips to burning tongues to oral sex. Margaritas will do that. Two of the girls were going home to their husbands and if there is a follow-up recommendation for uses other than lip plumping, you'll be the first to know.

Holy Crap!

While we were at Chula Vista this evening a terrible thunderstorm came up. There was horrible lightning and wind and some guy came over to the table to tell us it was hailing. Thanks a lot for the buzz kill, dude.

By the time I left several hours later, I had pretty much forgotten about the storm until I got outside. I inspected my car for hail damage and there was none so I was one happy girl. Then, on my drive home, half of the traffic signal lights were out and there were tree branches all over the roads.

While we were enjoying our margaritas and conversation, all hell had broken loose out in the real world. You know what? Ignorance IS bliss.

Fukitol

Listen to the Robin Williams clip on the website.






* Better than Valium *

Stat Counter Fetish

Like most of you bloggers out there, I am fascinated by the keyword analysis feature of my stat counter. By far, my most frequent hits are for *clingy boyfriends* and *crazy ex girlfriends* and those are two posts on my Guestwriters blog that weren't even written by me.

Some of the hits I get are so disgusting that I can't believe that Google or Yahoo or Dogpile was able to come up with a hit on my blog for that particular combination of words. I guess that just goes to show, that if you write enough words, they can be combined to make some of the most disturbing sexual references you can imagine.

I wish I would have kept some of them but I didn't. However, at one point yesterday when I checked my statcounter, these were the seven hits:

1. london cokehead
2. crazy ex girlfriend
3. crazy ex girlfriend taking stuff
4. game wardens forced to shoot alligator
5. do you know what it means to miss new orleans
6. miss laurie naked
7. adult film clips of squishing a poopy diaper

I'm now sitting here trying to come up with something clever to say about number 7 and I got nothin'. I also wonder about number 6. Was that guy just looking for anyone named Laurie who might just happen to be naked?

By the way, if you see my head on a naked body on the internet, it isn't me. Unless, said head is pasted onto a fantastic body in which case, hell yeah, it's me. Enjoy.

Sunday Afternoon Television Ramblings

• I just watched Collateral with Jamie Foxx and Tom Cruise. A good guage of how much I enjoyed a movie is if I rush upstairs as soon as the movie is over and sign on to IMDB to find out who directed it. This one was directed by Michael Mann and it's a fantastic movie. It's hard to believe that Jamie Foxx is the same guy who was Wanda on In Living Color. He was mesmerizing in this movie.
• Tom Cruise was also outstanding although toward the end of the movie, his indestructible character reminded me of Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction.
• Fatal Attraction made me think of Michael Douglas and as I was checking out the onscreen movie guide to decide what to watch next, I noticed that Basic Instinct is on the Encore Love Channel. I would say that Encore has a pretty cynical view of love, don't you think?
• I watched a little of the Korean Open Badminton Competition. The fans had spirit sticks and everything. It makes me wonder where I would be today if I had stayed in badminton training instead of giving up badminton for croquet when I was ten.

A Sign From God

We (my sister Bonnie and I) went apartment hunting with Cory and Jamie (my son and his wife) today. He got a job a couple of hours away from here and they're moving to a little town none of us have ever been to.

Cory, being the designated man in our group, had control of the map. He and Jamie had researched apartment complexes online so we had a general idea about apartment locations, but that was it.

Cory would say things like, "Go down House Street and when you get to Highway 35, you will take either a left or a right." Not very helpful to me, the driver.

At one point when we were hopelessly lost (there were many points when we were hopelessly lost), he said, "I thought this Dumble Street went all the way through. Oh, I see. It stops right here."

"Good job, Magellan," I said, being the always supportive mother. This led to a discussion of explorers in general and who invented maps.

"Magna Carta?" I asked.

"No, that had something to do with laws or something."

"I think it was Vasco DeGama."

"No, Lewis and Clark."

"No, they discovered Louisiana."

"No, that was LaSalle."

"What did Ponce De Leon discover?"

"Florida."

Looking back at the map, Cory said, "Well, there are these red lines all over the map!"

"You mean the streets?" I asked, always the smartass.

Looking at the map, Bonnie said, "Those are the latitude and longitude lines, Cory. These are the streets." That explained a lot. In Cory's defense, however, the dumbass who made the map did make the grid lines red, just like the streets. The City of Alvin mapmaker was no Ptolemy, I'll tell you that.

Even after we figured out the problem with the grid lines, we continued to get lost. At one point, I had to make a u-turn. The street wasn't wide enough to just make the u-turn so I had to pull into a church parking lot. As I was waiting in the parking lot for the traffic to stop so I could turn around, Bonnie said, "LOOK!" and pointed to the sign you see below which was about five feet in front of us.





We were speechless for about 10 seconds. Then, "Leif Ericsson. He was a viking or something wasn't he?"

Musical Chairs (Apartment Hunting Version)

As you can see in this picture, Jamie has moved to the front seat. This move was made supposedly for car sickness prevention but I think it was more of an, "I'm going to shove that map up Cory's ass," prevention.





*Pic*

Sylvana Finds

Sylvana Finds is a blog by a woman who reads other blogs and makes recommendations on her blog for people to check out said blogs. She wrote about mine recently and said I must be some sort of *funny shit magnet*. I never thought of myself that way but it's really what I am...A Funny-Shit Magnet.

I think I'll have a t-shirt made. Can you imagine the graphic?

Friday Night Quotes - The Andy Griffith Show

Aunt Bee: Opie, you need to go next door and see Floyd about a haircut.
Opie: But, Aunt Bee, those little hairs get down my neck and they itch like crazy.
Aunt Bee: Well, after the haircut, go home and take a bath.
Opie: Wow, a haircut and a bath the same day. This is turning out worse than I thought.

Opie: But, Aunt Bee, he kicked me right in the pit of my back.
Aunt Bee: Tomorrow, I'll rub it down with some witch hazel.
Opie: Witch hazel makes my eyes water.
Aunt Bee: Okay, you won't see so well, but you'll feel better.

Andy: Ernest T, let me ask you something. Did your mother ever used to hit you?
Ernest T: Oh, yes. She was wonderful!

Andy: When Floyd was a youngun, he used to practice on cats. We had the baldest cats in the county.

Barney : It's time to nip it, nip it in the bud!

Barney: He's a nut!

Helen to Barney: He'll kill you.
Andy to Barney: He'll kill you.

Gomer: I think I'll go to Foley's market. They're looking for an experienced butcher.
Andy: You know anything about cuttin' meat?
Gomer: Think they'll ask me that?

The Fun Girls: Just shut up, Bernie...shut up.

Ernest T. Bass: It's me...it's me...it's Ernest T.....

Barney: Hello, doll.
The Fun Girls: Hi, Bernie.

Briscoe Darling speaking of Ernest T. Bass to Andy and Barney: Well, we thought about killin' him. Kinda hated to go that far.

Andy: Mornin' ladies, my goodness don't you look happy. Must be cuttin' somebody up pretty good.

Andy: Could you tell me what's on the western border of the United States?
Ernest T: Old Man Kelsey's Woods!
Andy: No, it's a big body of water.
Ernest T: Old Man Kelsey's River!
Andy: No, no, no, it's an ocean.
Ernest T: Old Man Kelsey's Ocean!

Andy: Now don't tell anybody about this Gomer.
Gomer: Not even you?

Opie: I ain't never seen one, Paw.
Andy: You ain't never seen what?
Opie: A half a boy.
Andy: See, it's not really half a boy its a ratio.
Opie: Poor Horatio.

Briscoe Darling: The boys ain't much on compliments.

Barney: Where you goin?
Opie: I'm leavin'. You're a sight.

Andy to Opie: I can't believe I was glad when you learned to talk.

Angry Wife: Mornin', dear.
Angry Husband: Mornin' darlin'.

Mr. Darling: Jump in where you can, Sheriff, and hold on. A-one and a-two and a-three...

Ernest T to Charlene: I'm kinda mean, but I make up for it by bein' real healthy.

Andy: You know Floyd always takes an hour or so for lunch. Says if he comes back too fast all the food goes right to his feet.

Andy to Barney: You beat everything, you know that?!

Andy:Charlene I'm old enough to be your father!
Charlene:You sure are beautifully preserved.

Briscoe Darling: Got time to breathe, got time for music.

Otis: Barney's in jail! Barney's in jail!

Thelma Lou: Barney's a dear, sweet, kind man! The kindest man I've ever known! He's the man I want to be the father of my children! But he just can't sing! Not a lick! Not a lick!

Opie: Goodnight, Ernest T. Bass.
Ernest T: Goodnight, Opie Taylor.

Gomer to Barney: Citizen's Arrest! Citizen's Arrest!

Mr. Darling (deciding what song to play): How bout - Don't Hit Your Grandma With a Great Big Stick.
Charlene: No, Pa that'n makes me cry.

Mr. Darling: Charlene, back in the truck.
Charlene (eyes glued on Andy): Aw, Pa. Cain't I even look at the pur'dy man.

Andy to Aunt Bee about the old freezer:
Call the man, Aunt Bee!

Andy: You're all heart, you know that, Barn?

Barney: He got the drop on me!
Andy: He had a gun?
Barney: Well, he has now!

Andy to Barney: Floyd's right! One of your lobes is longer than the other!

Andy: Oregano?

Barney to Juanita: From your head down to your feet, there is nothing quite as sweet; as Juanita, Juanita, lovely, dear Juanita.

Gomer (bucket on head):The Sarge says it'll help me to think. And he's right I've just been thinking and thinking and thinking.
Andy: What have you been thinking about?
Gomer: How easy it is to think under here.

Opie: Hey Pa, ain't it a beaut'?

No Freaky Freaky

My parents are on vacation in Alaska. Monday night at about 9:45 p.m. (my time) they called to say...hell, I don't remember what they said. The problem is, I had fallen asleep on the couch at about 7:30 p.m. and if I talk to people on the phone after I've been asleep for a couple of hours, I usually don't even remember they called until I see it on the caller ID the next day. I can, evidently, carry on a whole conversation without entirely waking up. It's a gift.

The parts I do remember of the conversastion were a lot like a Jerry Seinfeld routine:

Mom: What time is it there? It's 7:30 here so it's 9:30 there. Right? (Dad in the background confirming everything mom says...Yeah! 9:30! It should be 9:30 over there!) Why are you sleeping already? You're out of breath. Why are you out of breath?

Me: I had to run to the phone. I wasn't sure how many times it rang.

Mom: Well, we're not going to call everybody. We're just calling you so you tell everybody we called! It's beautiful. We're in a little cabin. Your dad calls them...yada, yada, yada...(that's the part I forget.)

Me: Okay. I'll tell everybody you called. Y'all have fun!! Love you!

One thing bothers me about the call. Would you ask your adult child why they were out of breath at 9:30 at night? Granted, it's been a looooonnnnngggg time since there's been any freaky, freaky in this girl's bedroom but couldn't she have given me the benefit of the doubt? God knows I would never ask my parents that question.

You Know Chow Mein?

I stopped to buy gas on my way home from work today. All I can say is thank God I deposited my paycheck before I bought gas and, thank God again, that I drive a Toyota. Good grief! Across the street from where I bought gas is a Chinese restaurant. I had no intention of buying Chinese food for supper but as I stood there filling my tank, the General Wok sign was begging me to cross the street.

I pulled up to the drive-thru menu and tried to make up my mind. Would it be Orange Chicken? Or, perhaps, Mongolian Beef? How about some House Lo Mein or Garlic Shrimp? When the voice in the speaker asked what I wanted, I said, "Shrimp Chow Mein." I have no idea why I said that.

I do that all the time. I'll go over a menu and change my mind ten times before the waitress takes the order and, more often than not, I even surprise myself at what I order. Then, when the food comes, I'm usually surprised again because I changed my mind so many times during the whole ordering process that I don't even remember what I finally ordered.

There were three cars in front of me so I thought, "At least my food will be ready by the time I get to the window." Alas, it was not meant to be. When I finally got to the window, the Chinese lady inside asked me in very broken English, "You know what Chow Mein?"

I thought she asked, "You no want Chow Mein?"

So, I said, "Yes, I want Chow Mein?"

She said, "You know Chow Mein?"

At this point, I'm getting a little worried. Does their Chow Mein contain sauteed squid's eyes or something? Why would she ask me if I know Chow Mein? So, I said, "Yes, I know Chow Mein."

Not to be deterred, the lady continued, "It got hard noodle...and cabbage..."

I said, "Yeeessss....?"

"Yesterday, a lady order Chow Mein and I give her Chow Mein. She get mad. Said she order Lo Mein. Lo Mein got soft noodle. She so mad."

"Oh," I said, "People can be mean."

"My husband say I have to ask if you know Chow Mein."

"Yes, I know Chow Mein."

It was delicious, by the way. No squid's eyes or anything.

______________________________________________________

A Wealth of Information from My Fortune Cookie

My fortune: If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
(That's good because I can't remember anything anyway.)

Lucky numbers: 22, 31, 47, 39, 17, 4
(If you play those numbers and win, I want a cut!)

Learn Chinese: Peng-you = Friend
(Isn't that nice? It doesn't sound like *friend* though, does it? It actually sounds like the opposite of what you would tell your friend: PENG YOU!)

Just Another Day

*Pic*

Tuesday's Work Groove

CD's I'm bringing to work Tuesday:

Kings of Leon - Youth and Young Manhood
Jamiroquai - Traveling Without Moving
No Doubt - Rock Steady
Johnny Cash - The Heart of a Legend
The Best of Kansas

Follow-up on Mean Doctor Office Receptionist

Many, many years ago, I worked as a receptionist in an ophthalmologist's office. Doctor's office receptionist has to be one of the worst jobs in the world. I was always blamed by patients when the doctor was overbooked but I was also constantly under pressure to work in so-called emergencies which weren't emergencies at all. Ninety-nine percent of the patients were nice but it would only take one asshole to ruin my whole day. On top of that, the doctor wasn't a particularly nice guy so that didn't help matters at all.

This is the phone conversation I had with the rude receptionist Monday morning (see post right before this one):

Me: This is Laurie Anderson. I have an appointment at 12:45 p.m. today and I want to be sure that you got my blood work for my cholesterol levels before I come in.

Receptionist: I don't know.

Me: (Hestitation, because I can't believe what I just heard but I SWEAR I wasn't rude...) Would you like me to hold while you check my chart?

Receptionist: We're very busy right now. (No hesitation on her part and she WAS rude.)

Me: Would you like my phone number so you can check and call me back?

Receptionist: We're way too busy right now.

Me: (Trying to maintain my rapidly depleting dignity...) Okay. I guess I'll see you at 12:45. (How's that for a snappy comeback?)

In the meantime, I called the lab to be sure the blood work had been sent over because, the whole purpose of my call was to avoid (a) spending $40 for a useless doctor office visit and (b) leaving work on such a busy day.

My dilemma was whether or not to say something to the doctor or to his office manager when I got there. I decided to clean up any lingering bad karma I might still have from my doctor office receptionist days when I'm sure I was rude to an occasional patient. When I got to the doctor's office, I noticed everyone was being extremely nice to me. It's a very small office and I'm sure they overheard the earlier telephone exchange. The nurse even gave me some Lipitor samples which has never happened to me before.

When I was leaving, the rude girl made a big display out of how busy she was but with big, fake, cheerful exasperation. I wanted to punch her in the neck but I guess all's well that ends well. I sure hope I made some karma points on this one today and I hope that receptionist finds her true calling before someone yanks all her hair out by the roots. Not that I'm still dwelling on this or anything.

Happy Monday

So far this morning:
1. The chick at the doctor’s office was rude to me when I called to check on lab results.
2. It’s only 10:00 a.m. and my desk looks like I didn’t even come in this weekend.
3. I can’t catch the classic rock station out of Houston anymore.

Regarding problem number 3, I brought the following CD’s with me this morning for my personal listening pleasure:
1. The Best of the Moody Blues
2. Mexican Spaghetti Western (Chingon – Director Robert Rodriguez’s band)
3. Waiting for My Rocket to Come (Jason Mraz)
4. Songs About Jane (Maroon 5)
5. Get Born (Jet)

I think I’ll put in Mexican Spaghetti Western right before I go to the doctor at 12:45 p.m. and have a little talk with that chick at the doctor’s office. Anyone have a poncho and a cigar I can borrow.

Have a Nice...

Friday I got a call at work from my mom. She asked if I was busy. I'm always busy and she knows this but she always asks anyway. She asks if I'm busy and I say no because even if I say yes, she will continue with the conversation so there really is no point in saying I'm busy.

When she called Friday, she and dad were both talking at the same time. Mom was trying to tell me something but she and dad were laughing so hard, she wasn't making any sense. Finally, dad said, "Just let her listen to it." Mom said, "Yeah, yeah, yeah. Call back and listen to the recorder. We won't pick up the phone."

Oh boy, more craziness at the House of the Bored and Retired. When I called back, this is what I heard on the recorded message:

Dad's voice -
You have reached the home of Red and Ruby Ransonette and of Jingles the Clown and ...blah, blah, blah...(commercial for dad's clown business)...blah, blah, blah...I am completely booked up until June 16th. If I can help you after that date, please leave your number. Have a nice lay.

Mom's voice -
Red! You said have a nice lay!

Dad's voice -
No I didn't!

Mom's voice -
Yes you did! You said have a nice lay! Listen to it again!

Dad's voice -
No I...did I...(laughing, laughing, laughing)...

Mom's voice -
Yes you...(laughing, laughing, laughing)...

Then the recorder finally cut off.

I called them back and they were still laughing. Mom said that when dad recorded the message the first time, he ended the message with *Have a nice life.* In mom's opinion that sounded corny and told him he should change it to say *Have a nice day.* I'm sure that suggestion began a thirty minute argument, I mean discussion, which was evidently won by my mother because my dad agreed to change the message.

In true Freudian form, however, dad said lay instead of day. I personally thought they should have left the sexual well wishes in the message, but I don't suppose parents calling for a clown for their six year-old's birthday party would have seen the humor in it.

Three Things...

This was passed to my by my longest blogging friend, Lorna. Off we go...

• Three screen names that you have had: landerson1, lauriea776, lauriea
• Three things you like about yourself: my quest for fun, my calmness, my sense of humor
• Three things you don't like about yourself: occasionally obsessive, sometimes insecure, always afraid to take chances
• Three parts of your heritage: French, Cajun French, Native American
• Three things that scare you: Snakes, heights, public speaking
• Three of your everyday essentials: A little music, a little television, a little reading
• Three things you are wearing right now: T-shirt, boxers, a smile
• Three of your favorite songs: Maybe I'm Amazed, Under My Thumb, Pearl Necklace
• Three new things you want to try in the next twelve months: Jazz Fest in New Orleans, a new cuisine, go to a film festival
• Three things I want in a relationship: Laughter, love, serenity
• Two truths and a lie: I love sushi, I love margaritas, I love peas
• Three things you can't do without: Family, food, fun
• Three places you want to go on vacation: New York City, Europe, Australia
• Three things you just can't do: Sing, lie, skate
• Three kids' names: Moe, Larry, Curly
• Three things you want to do before you die: Kiss George Clooney, win an Oscar, kiss George Clooney some more
• Three Celeb crushes: George Clooney, Jude Law, Johnny Depp
• Three people I nominate to complete this exercise: Baby Sister Bonnie, Little Cousin Kara, Newest Blogging Friend Susan
  
  
  

Ask the Fat Dope

The Fat Dope is back off of hiatus. His latest response to a reader's question is thorough and hilarious as usual.

Saturday Night Quotes - P. J. O'Rourke

• A hat should be taken off when you greet a lady and left off for the rest of your life. Nothing looks more stupid than a hat.
• After all, what is your host's purpose in having a party? Surely not for you to enjoy yourself; if that were their sole purpose, they'd have simply sent champagne and women over to your place by taxi.
• Always read something that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.
• America wasn't founded so that we could all be better. America was founded so we could all be anything we damned well pleased.
• Anyway, no drug, not even alcohol, causes the fundamental ills of society. If we're looking for the source of our troubles, we shouldn't test people for drugs, we should test them for stupidity, ignorance, greed and love of power.
• Children from the age of five to ten should watch more television. Television depicts adults as rotten SOB's, given to fistfights, gunplay, and other mayhem. Kids who believe this about grownups aren't likely to argue about bedtime.
• Children must be considered in a divorce, considered valuable pawns in the nasty legal and financial contest that is about to ensue.
• Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely.
• Even a band of angels can turn ugly and start looting if enough angels are unemployed and hanging around the Pearly Gates convinced that all the succubi own all the liquor stores in Heaven.
• Even very young children need to be informed about dying. Explain the concept of death very carefully to your child. This will make threatening him with it much more effective.
• Every government is a parliament of whores. The trouble is, in a democracy, the whores are us.
• Family love is messy, clinging, and of an annoying and repetitive pattern, like bad wallpaper.
• Feeling good about government is like looking on the bright side of any catastrophe. When you quit looking on the bright side, the catastrophe is still there.
• Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.
• Gossip is what you say about the objects of flattery when they aren't present.
• Government proposes, bureaucracy disposes. And the bureaucracy must dispose of government proposals by dumping them on us.
• Humans are the only animals that have children on purpose with the exception of guppies, who like to eat theirs.
• I am a journalist and, under the modern journalist's code of Olympian objectivity (and total purity of motive), I am absolved of responsibility. We journalists don't have to step on roaches. All we have to do is turn on the kitchen light and watch the critters scurry.
• I like to think of my behavior in the sixties as a "learning experience." Then again, I like to think of anything stupid I've done as a "learning experience." It makes me feel less stupid.
• I suppose I should get a VCR, but the only thing I like about television is its ephemerality.
• If government were a product, selling it would be illegal.
• If you are young and you drink a great deal it will spoil your health, slow your mind, make you fat - in other words, turn you into an adult.
• If you say a modern celebrity is an adulterer, a pervert and a drug addict, all it means is that you've read his autobiography.
• Never be unfaithful to a lover, except with your wife.
• Never fight an inanimate object.
• Never wear anything that panics the cat.
• Social Security is a government program with a constituency made up of the old, the near old and those who hope or fear to grow old. After 215 years of trying, we have finally discovered a special interest that includes 100 percent of the population. Now we can vote ourselves rich.
• Staying married may have long-term benefits. You can elicit much more sympathy from friends over a bad marriage than you ever can from a good divorce.
• The Clinton administration launched an attack on people in Texas because those people were religious nuts with guns. Hell, this country was founded by religious nuts with guns. Who does Bill Clinton think stepped ashore on Plymouth Rock?
• The Democrats are the party that says government will make you smarter, taller, richer, and remove the crabgrass on your lawn. The Republicans are the party that says government doesn't work and then they get elected and prove it.
• The mystery of government is not how Washington works but how to make it stop.
• The proper behavior all through the holiday season is to be drunk. This drunkenness culminates on New Year's Eve, when you get so drunk you kiss the person you're married to.
• The weirder you're going to behave, the more normal you should look. It works in reverse, too. When I see a kid with three or four rings in his nose, I know there is absolutely nothing extraordinary about that person.
• There is only one basic human right, the right to do as you damn well please. And with it comes the only basic human duty, the duty to take the consequences.
• There's one more terrifying fact about old people: I'm going to be one soon.
• What use is it to endure the Dutch Rubs and Indian Rope Burns that are politics if you can't obtain mastery over people and give them noogies back?
• Whatever it is that the government does, sensible Americans would prefer that the government does it to somebody else. This is the idea behind foreign policy.
• When buying and selling are controlled by legislation, the first things to be bought and sold are legislators.
• You can't get rid of poverty by giving people money.

Nelly!

I just got home from the Nelly concert and it was fantastic! I've never seen or felt so much energy at a concert in my life, from both the stage and the audience. I've never been a fan of rap but now that I've seen it performed live, I understand the attraction. Nelly was electric as was the opening act Lil' Wayne. (That's where he puts the apostrophe. I looked it up.)

There was a lot of crotch grabbing and a sprinkling of *mother f##kers* but most of the crotch grabbing was probably a tactic used to keep their pants from falling off. Nelly was wearing a huge diamond studded belt buckle (bling bling) which seemed to weigh down his already low slung pants. Unfortunately, the pants stayed on. Fortunately, the shirt did not. Both Nelly and Lil' Wayne lost their shirts during their performances and that was worth the price of admission.

I have to work tomorrow and I will be making a stop at Best Buy afterward to buy me some of that rap music. I might even go to the mall and buy me some bling bling.

Congratulations Cory!

My son got a job. Well, he always had a job but now he has a job for the profession he went to college for. I love you Cory and I'm so proud of you. He and Jamie have to move a couple of hours away but, hey, road trip!

Thanks Wang!

Wang Chi came over last night and gave me my first Al Stewart lesson. We listened to Al while watching Monty Python and enjoying a bottle of cheap wine. It was great. Except, I kept talking during Al. I'll listen at work today. It shall be an Al Stewart day at the office.

At one point, we also got our friend Susan unlost as she was driving around Iowa. We had Google maps up on the computer and directed her straight to her hotel. It was the most surreal thing I've ever done. It was also the first time I had talked to her other than by e-mail. It's a strange world we're living in, kiddos.

Thanks Wang, I'm looking forward to my next lesson.

Finally!

My tub faucets look like cupcakes covered in caulk icing but I've finally stopped the leak from my bathtub that was dripping into my living room. To prove to you people that I have no shame, I herewith post pictures of my grotesque caulking work as well as a pic of my bathroom complete with a can of Febreeze on the little white cabinet above the toilet.

I was also going to post a picture of the horrendous work I did on the disgusting drain in the tub but I had to draw the line somewhere. I fully intended to do a picture-perfect caulking job but, after the fifth unsuccessful attempt at covering every possible orifice of the tub that might have been causing the leak, I didn't give a crap anymore and just started squeezing that poor little tube like a caulk crazed maniac. It may have been the fumes.

I guess I better keep my day job.

Bo Bice and Jon Stewart

I'm just sitting here, minding my own business, reading blogs, listening to Jon Stewart on The Daily Show when Jon Stewart announces that tonight's guest will be Bo Bice. Jon Stewart, Stephen Colbert and Bo Bice on one show. Gotta go.

Whoa, Nelly!

Several months ago, my sister Terry asked me if I wanted to go with her and her 14 year old daughter to see Nelly at Ford Arena. I said, "Sure, why not?" So, Terry purchased tickets for me, her, her hairdresser, her nail tech and my niece. The concert is this Friday and Terry just called to tell me that my niece has (wisely) decided she doesn’t want to go to the concert with four grownups (smart girl) and her ticket will instead be used by our friend Melissa.

The last time I went to a concert with Terry and Melissa, they ended up wrestling on the floor in front of the stage for a drumstick thrown by a Doobie Brother. That is the absolute truth. They were, literally, on the ground wrestling for the drumstick. Several years later, I was at work talking about the drumstick wrestling incident and one of the girls I work with, who had front row seats for the same Doobie Brothers concert, told me they had seen the whole thing and have been talking about those two insane women who fought over a Doobie Brothers drumstick for years.

Something tells me I’m in for an interesting evening.