I'M GOING TO HELL
An old lady dies and goes to heaven. She's chatting it up with St. Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful bloodcurdling screams.
"Don't worry about that," says St. Peter, "it's someone having the holes put into her shoulder blades for wings."
The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation. Ten minutes later, there are more blood curdling screams
"Oh my God," says the old lady, "now what is happening?"
"Not to worry," says St. Peter, "She's just having her head drilled to fit the halo."
"I can't do this," says the old lady, "I'm going to hell."
"You can't go there, "says St. Peter. "You'll be raped and sodomized."
"Maybe so," says the old lady, "but I've already got the holes for that !"
THE CATHOLIC DOG
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died.
Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, me dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?"
Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, an there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature."
Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?"
Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn`t ya tell me the dog was Catholic?"
DONATION
Father O'Malley answers the phone, "Hello, is this Father O'Malley?"
"It is."
"This is the IRS. Can you help us?"
"I can"
"Do you know a Ted Houlihan?"
"I do"
"Is he a member of your congregation?"
"He is"
"Did he donate $10,000 to the church?"
"He will."
CONFESSION
An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:
"I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times."
"Are you sorry for your sins?"
"What sins?"
"What kind of a Catholic are you?"
"I'm Jewish."
"Why are you telling me all this?"
"I'm telling everybody."
Friday, January 07, 2005
Blog Explosion Voting: The Outcome So Far
Seriously folks, my last post wasn't a sneaky way to beg for votes (Re: 1 Star Voting Blog Haters) but I thank you for them. The outcome so far? When I posted that article, I had 46 votes and a 7.38 rating. I now have 89 votes and a 7.15 rating. The fact that it's gone down is not the point of this note (softly weeping). My point is that while the number of votes has almost doubled, my rating has stayed about the same. I've had a lot of nice people say they've given me 10's so that means a lot of people rated me very low with, I'm sure, a smattering of 1's (weeping harder now).
I think my nefarious plan is working (evil laughing through the tears)!
I think my nefarious plan is working (evil laughing through the tears)!
Thursday, January 06, 2005
Blog Explosion: A Plan to Foil the "1 Star Voting Blog Haters"
I have a plan that will render the “1 Star Voting Blog Haters” irrelevant. The secret is in volume. When I first started blogging, I would get respectable 5’s and 6’s and I was thrilled. Then, I got a couple of 1’s. I was immediately transported back to 7th grade with the “slan books” and the cliques and wondering why I wasn’t invited to the big party. I couldn’t appreciate the occasional 10 (for some reason, I’m really popular with people in Canada and England, go figure) because I was freaking out over the 1’s. Did these people want me to quit blogging and go back to my knitting? (Just kidding, I don’t knit. I mostly just lay on the couch.) Then I realized they were just jerks trying to mess with people.
When you only have a few votes, a 1 can drop you down to an embarrassingly low rating. Now that I have over 40 votes one vote (good or bad) doesn’t affect me that much. So, here’s the plan. Vote at every blog site you visit. You have to stay there for 30 seconds anyway, use ½ of a second to cast a vote. I’m not saying you should give everyone a 10 or that you should not give anyone a 1. It’s your vote, use it as you like. Just vote. I think your rating will eventually average out to what you deserve.
I’ll probably get a couple of 10 votes as a result of this post for my brilliant deductive reasoning but I will also get the inevitable retaliatory 1’s to keep me in my place. That should keep me at a respectable 7 which feels about right.
Blog on, you crazy bastards, and vote. Power to the people and all that. Spread the word.
When you only have a few votes, a 1 can drop you down to an embarrassingly low rating. Now that I have over 40 votes one vote (good or bad) doesn’t affect me that much. So, here’s the plan. Vote at every blog site you visit. You have to stay there for 30 seconds anyway, use ½ of a second to cast a vote. I’m not saying you should give everyone a 10 or that you should not give anyone a 1. It’s your vote, use it as you like. Just vote. I think your rating will eventually average out to what you deserve.
I’ll probably get a couple of 10 votes as a result of this post for my brilliant deductive reasoning but I will also get the inevitable retaliatory 1’s to keep me in my place. That should keep me at a respectable 7 which feels about right.
Blog on, you crazy bastards, and vote. Power to the people and all that. Spread the word.
Wednesday, January 05, 2005
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year
My brother and his family came to town the week after Christmas so we celebrated Christmas and New Year's Eve on New Year's Eve night at my mom's house. Pictures follow...
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