Carnival Conquest Cruise - May 2011

Click here for photos of my Carnival Conquest cruise May 1 - 8, 2011 with my mom, Aunt Gladys, Aunt Bernice, Aunt Hazel and Aunt Dolores. We left from Galveston, Texas and sailed to Montego Bay, Jamaica, Grand Cayman and Cozumel, Mexico. Below is a slideshow. Stories later.

Google Chrome

I highly recommend that you install and use Google Chrome as your internet browser.

My laptop was locking up at least twice a night when I was on the internet and I thought I was on the way to needing a new computer.  Since I started using Google Chrome as my browser, no more problems.

Plus, you can download and play Angry Birds on your PC.

Win, win.


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Bitch Moment of the Day: "Who cares?"

My Bitch Moment of the Day is directed toward the geniuses who go into online message boards, news article comment strings and Facebook conversation posts that pertain to such things as American Idol, Charlie Sheen and Royal Weddings to post the brilliant and insightful observation of:  "Who cares?" 

Guess what, asshole.  We don't care that you don't care. You think we don't have a life?  I would say you are the one whose life we should be questioning if you have nothing better to do than cruise the internet for posts and articles about things you allegedly don't care about and then globbing up the comment string with your two words of brilliance.

You want to share your disgust about Charlie Sheen or your boredom with the royal family? Knock yourself out.  Posting the idiotic and arrogant "who cares" is just plain lazy, not to mention unoriginal. 

And, it pisses me off. 

Not that you care.


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Et il commence…

Aunt Dolores, mom (Ruby), Aunt Bernice, Aunt Gladys, Aunt Hazel

I will soon leave on a cruise with my mom and her four sisters who range in age from 65 to 80 years old. I have been instructed by Aunt Dolores, “the oldest,” that I am not to introduce the group by saying, “They’re all sisters. SHE’S the oldest.” I told her that I’ll tell everyone they’re quintuplets.  All born simultaneously. Like chihuahuas out of a clown car.  A true miracle of nature.

In the last few weeks, two of the sisters have had dental emergencies involving broken teeth. My sister Bonnie asked the other three sisters if they had experienced any broken teeth recently. Aunt Hazel gave Bonnie a puzzled look and said, “If I break a tooth, I just drop ‘em off in the morning and tell them I’ll pick ‘em up after work.” Note to self: don’t worry about Aunt Hazel’s teeth.

Yesterday, mom was describing our cabins to three of her sisters. I wasn’t really listening to the conversation until I heard my mom say, “There’s a couch in the room, so if anybody picks up a man, the other sister will have to sleep on the couch.”

Wait. What?

Aunt Gladys said, “Man? Hell, I’m on vacation. What do I want a man for?” She’s one of the married ones.

Aunt Dolores, “the oldest” of the quintuplets, said, “Bring them back to the room? That’s crazy. If anybody finds a man, go to his room. You people aren’t thinking straight. Don’t bring him back to your room where there are four other women.”

Holy. Crap.

I thought I was going to be concerned with broken teeth, broken hips and blood sugar levels. Now, I find I’m going to have to worry about curfews, bed checks and booty calls.

I think I’m going to need a bigger journal.

Pour être continue…

This and That

***

I would like people to be implanted with chips like the ones implanted in dogs and cats which identifies their owners.  I went to a funeral earlier this week and my friends and I were trying to figure out who some of the people were.  I thought how much simpler it would be if people had implants with their family tree on it that we could scan from a distance with our smart phones and know who everybody is.  What about privacy you ask?  Is anything really private anymore?  I'd rather people have my accurate information than make stuff up.

***

I would also like to have all of my medical information on another implanted chip so that when I go to a new doctor I won't have to fill out all those stupid medical history forms ever again.

***

When I was an AT&T customer, I was constantly bombarded with requests that I go "paperless."  I like paperless.  I always go paperless when I'm given the option.  So, of course, I went paperless.  Now that I've cut the cord with AT&T and no longer have a land line telephone, I get at least three non-paperless mailings a week from AT&T begging me to come back.  WTF, AT&T?  I'm now begging you to go paperless and leave me the hell alone.

***

I was born and raised Catholic, but I do and don't do lots of things that might not get me into Catholic heaven right away:  I'm divorced, I used to use birth control, I don't go to church every week and there are all of those sex things that I won't mention because my mom and my son read my blog.  If my fellow Catholics can't eventually pray me out of purgatory and get me into Catholic heaven, I'm hoping I can get into Methodist heaven.  I know people there, too.

***



This and That

***

I'm going to tell you people one more time.  After you park your car in the parking lot where I park every day, do not...I repeat...do NOT...walk out of said parking lot right smack in the middle of the driveway that I'm trying to pull into so that I can park in that parking lot. 

I won't run over you today.  I might not even run over you tomorrow.  However, mark my words, one of these days I'm going to be up to my ears with dumbasses and I will run over you.  Intentionally.  With malice and aforethought.

You've been warned.

***

I love the sound of a sizzle.  Water accidentally hitting a curling iron.  A coffee pot being put back on the electric burner at the office.  Checking the oil in a frying pan or an iron with a sprinkle of water to see if they're hot enough.  Bacon.

I can't explain it.

Szzzzzzzssssssssssszzzzzzzzzzzzz-zzle.

Love it.

***

When Ava gets in the top of her wooden swingset, she goes to the side, leans out ever so slightly and yells, "Top of the woild!"

Every.  Single.  Time.

I love that, too.

***

Ava and Lucas 4-10-11

March (and a little bit of April) Madness

I won the office March Madness Bracket contest!  No money.  Just cookies.  That's my bracket up there.  I base all my picks on instinct and blind luck.  I rock.


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I'm Conflicted

I'm convinced that everyone would look better with natural hair.  No more weaves.  No more perms.  No more color.  All a person needs is a good haircut, shampoo and conditioner.  I think people would be amazed at how great their natural hair really is.  Most women haven't seen their actual real hair since they were about twelve years old.

I'm convinced that the world would be better without chatty disc jockeys.  I've posted about this before.  The only information I need between the music is the name of the song and who sang it.  Even that I can find on my own now with the flip of a Google.  Don't even get me started on the "morning zoo" faction of the radio world.

I'm convinced that we don't need news anchors.  That goes for local, national and entertainment news, especially entertainment news.  I read recently that a station in Houston has gone back to the old newsreel style of reporting the news.  Sounds fabulous.

* * *

My conflict arises from the fact that some of my very good friends hold these very same jobs that would be eliminated in my hateful scenario.  Most of the people who hold these jobs are not making a killing in their chosen profession and they've spent most of their lives dreaming of being a hairdresser or disc jockey or anchorman and training to reach that goal.

I'm a horrible person.

And, I'm conflicted.



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The 3 Stages...so far...of Caffeine Withdrawal

As you may or may not know, I gave up caffeine for Lent.  Here's a summary of my experience so far.

Week 1

I was tired, groggy and sleepy all the time.


Week 2

That shaking hand thing that I had?  The one that made me think I was getting Parkinson's?  It's gone and I no longer have a signature like a 90 year old woman.  Also, in a weird sort of way, I have more energy.  It's not a WHOA kind of caffeine induced energy.  It's more of a sustained all day long energy.  That's boring, but kind of nice, too.  I do miss that WHOA though.

I'm also sleeping all night long with no crazy frantic dreams.  I thought I was waking up in the middle of the night because I had to go to the bathroom, but it turns out I was just going to the bathroom because I was awake.  I guess. 


Week 3

Last week, in a three day spree:

(1) I ran a red light.  I didn't even notice it was red until I was driving under it.

(2) I read my bedside clock wrong and got up at 6:00 a.m. instead of 7:00 a.m.  I made my bed and brushed my teeth before I even realized what I had done.  Since I had already made my bed, I couldn't even go back to bed.

(3) I locked my keys in the car.  Bonnie and mom and I were eating fried fish at the KC Hall when I noticed.  I had to call Terry's husband to go to mom's and bring me my extra key.


To sum up: bad week, good week, bad week.  I have three more weeks to go.  I can't wait to find out what's next.  Or can I?


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In Case Your DVR Cut Off the Last Few Minutes of American Idol

St. Jude Thaddeus Bereavement Ministry

My mom sent me this bulletin from church:

Bereavement Ministry

Have you lost a loved one?

Losing a loved one eventually touches all of us.  If you have suffered the loss of a friend, parent, spouse, or child, the grieving process can be difficult at best.  Through this new ministry at St. Jude Thaddeus, we hope to help those who are struggling through the deep sorrow we all experience with the death of someone close to us.

Whether it's been some time since your loved one died or your loss is recent, please join us.

Thursdays, March 17, 2011 - April 28, 2011

6:00 p.m. - 7:30 p.m. in Room M6

St. Jude Family Life Center

(no meeting on April 21, 2011 - Holy Thursday)

No age limit.  Open to any faith.

Meetings will be led by a licensed Professional Counselor

I am the resurrection and the life.

The one who believes in me will live,

even though they die.

                                          John 11:25

St. Jude Thaddeus Church

6825 Gladys Avenue

Beaumont, TX  77706

409-866-5088



American Idol - Season 10, Top 13

In order of my favorite performances:

Casey - Unbelievable! Great stage presence and not a note off key.

James - Perfect! Not screechy and sounded beautiful.

Thia - Like the judges, I didn't care for the middle part at all, but I think she has a beautiful voice. I see her doing a lot of animated Disney princess voice overs.

Naima - I think this would have been incredible if she hadn't been so nervous. I really like her.

Jacob - He seemed so nervous in the beginning, I thought he was going to have a meltdown. The rest of the song was beautiful though. His pants were too tight.

Stefano - Sounded great, but I found his performance to be manic. Made me nervous.

Pia - Excellent vocal, but she bores me. I find her big notes to be a little flat, but who am I to say?

Lauren - Great voice, but I thought her performance was a mess. I like her though.

Scotty - Very good vocal, but also boring for me. He has a future in the recording business no matter what happens on Idol.

Haley - I like this girl, but did not like her performance at all.

Ashthon - Doesn't do a thing for me. She looked really beautiful though.

Paul - Love him, but what the hell? I thought he was awful and I HATE to say that.

Karen - Bad, bad, bad. Unless she gets a huge block of hispanic votes, she's going home.

Laurie Fixes the Mortgage Mess. You're Welcome.

On my way to work, I listen to Market Place Morning Report on NPR. It’s not as boring as it sounds. At least once a week, Steve Chiotakis has a story about the mortgage mess. If he would call me, I would tell him what happened and how to fix it.


What happened?

The housing mess was not created by people who bought homes they could afford and ended up in foreclosure due to health problems or job losses. It was caused by people who bought houses they couldn’t afford and by the banks that encouraged such idiotic behavior.

What else happened?

Lots of the same idiots who were buying houses they couldn’t afford purchased them with adjustable rate mortgages. How could anybody (other than the banks) possibly think this was a good idea? Who would buy something with the caveat, “Oh, by the way, that mortgage payment you already can’t afford? It might go up by several hundred dollars at some point.”

Whose fault was it?

The housing mess was caused by the people who bought houses they couldn’t afford. Period. Yes, the banks were making and selling bad loans left and right, but those loans were signed for by the above-mentioned idiots.  Yes, realtors showed prospective clients properties they knew the clients couldn’t afford. However, just because they make a pair of pants in your size doesn’t mean you should wear them. The same goes for buying a house. Just because the realtor and bank says the house fits your ass, doesn’t mean you should buy it.

Okay, genius, how do we fix it?

1. Builders must start building moderately priced new housing that normal working people can afford. Every house does not need granite countertops and marble floors.

2. There is a desperate need for decent rental properties in nice areas at reasonable rates. A lot of people jump into a mortgage they can’t afford, because they are appalled that they must pay a bigger monthly rental payment for a two bedroom, one bath apartment than for a monthly house note. How can a person save money for a down payment if they’re spending all of their money on rent?

3. Realtors must stop showing people properties they know the people can’t afford.

4. Banks must stop giving loans to people who they know can’t afford them.

5. Banks should require those humongous down payments people hate. If you can’t save enough money for a decent down payment, you aren’t ready to own a house.

6. People must stop being idiots. Renting until you can afford to buy a house within your budget might be a huge pain in the ass, but I’m guessing being kicked out of your home is a much bigger pain in the ass.