So I Could Easily Find It. Of Course.

Part 1
One morning a couple weeks ago, I moved a candle from the island in my kitchen to my dining room table which is about five paces away from the kitchen island. Later that day, when I wanted to light the candle, I couldn’t find it. I looked all over the house, in every cabinet, on every shelf. When my daughter-in-law arrived, I went to put something on my kitchen table so I could grab my grand-fabulous-daughter and, by God, there was that damn candle.

Part 2
Yesterday, I wanted to light a candle upstairs, but couldn’t remember where I had put my upstairs butane candle lighter thingy. I searched every drawer, every cabinet and couldn’t find it anywhere. I went downstairs, got my downstairs candle lighter thingy, walked back upstairs, lit the candle, went straight to a drawer in my upstairs junk closet to put the candle lighter thingy away and, by God, there was that other damn candle lighter thingy. At least, I’m consistent for, surely, there will be five or six candle lighter thingies in that drawer before the year is out.

Part 3
When my mom, sisters and I went to the casino for Mother’s Day, I changed purses to one of my little casino purses. After lunch, I reached into the teeny tiny little purse searching for my lipstick. I reached, grabbed, searched, felt around in that teeny tiny little purse and couldn’t feel the lipstick. So, I pulled everything out onto the table (brush, eye drops, sunglasses, keys, compact) and there was no lipstick. “Oh, well,” I said, “I must have forgotten to put lipstick in when I changed purses.” I then unzipped the zipper where I had so carefully put my cash and debit card and, by God, there was that damn lipstick. I had put it where I could easily find it. Of course.

Kris Kristofferson and Lucky Meeee!

I went to a casino Friday night to see Kris Kristofferson, whom I've been in love with for somewhere around 30 years. I'm sure he feels the same way about me. His words are so beautiful, I cried a couple of times. I cry at movies and Hallmark commercials, but I rarely cry at concerts. It was a beautiful experience.

I would like to give a shout out to the two idiot women who were sitting a couple of rows in front of us who kept standing up and shouting "Kris for President" and singing along with the music way too loud, way off key and way off tempo. Ladies, as hard as it might be for you to believe it, I didn't pay for a ticket to hear YOU sing. So, next concert you go to, do the folks around you a favor and shut the fuck up.

Regarding the gambling, I lost so much money gambling Mother's Day weekend ($185...that's a lot to me...this is a full disclosure blog), that I decided to waste the time I had before going into the concert by playing penny slot machines. I did so well before the concert that I hit the machines again after the concert. By the time I cashed out for the night, I had ended up winning $125. Now, I know that doesn't sound like a lot of money, but if you move a couple of decimals and pretend I was playing dollar machines, that's some good gamblin'.

Kiss me you fool

Blayne's World...Party Time...Excellent

Me and Blayne

Last weekend was Relay for Life and our team, Blayne's World, raised $3,625.60 for the American Cancer Society. Thanks to everyone who donated. If there's a Relay for Life near you (I bet there is), you should participate. It's an amazing experience. Click here to read more about Blayne.

Where's the beef?

It's been ages since I've posted a big-ass animal. Here you go. (Click here for the story.)

Inventors are cool

Many years ago, a friend of mine came to my apartment and told me how easy it would be for someone to break in and violate me and steal everything I owned. He told me this because he had an idea for an amazing door security system. He explained the whole thing to me through a very thick tequila fog and, as I recall, it didn't make much sense but sounded really...secure.

Flash forward about ten years and I'll be damned if he didn't go get the whole thing engineered and patented and put on the market. On top of sounding like it could keep grizzly bears out of your house, the thing is even good looking.

Click here for the website to purchase your very own Katy Bar.

Happy Fabulous Mother's Day!!

The Grand Fabulous Ava and her Fabulous Mother

Where else would the fabulous Ransonette/Courville women (me, my sister Terry, my sister Bonnie and our mom) celebrate the day before Mother's Day than at the casinos in Louisiana. I wish Texas would get wise and allow casino gambling here, because we would have much rathered donate our inevitable losses locally than a hundred miles down the road. Of course, for us, Louisiana is "The Mother Country," so it's not too painful to leave so much of our hardly earned cash across the border.

Happy Mother's Day, everyone. As a present to all of you, here are more pics of my Grand Fabulous Daughter, Ava...

Some Things I Stumbled Upon Tonight

1.


2.
Click here for some "simple" instructions on how to solve a Rubik's Cube.


3.



4.


5.

More helpful advice...

From Jen's adorable new husband Brian (click on the picture to make it bigger)...

VIP Massage: You have the right to remain silent...and put some clothes on, for God's sake

This morning’s paper had a headline that a couple of massage parlors in town were busted yesterday for doing that little something extra that gets massage parlors busted. When I read the headline, I wondered, “Is that the massage parlor I pass by every day?” Yep, that would be the one.

The location used to be a high end resale shop where I bought a lot of my fashionable previously-worn-by-rich-ladies wardrobe. I was disappointed to see the resale shop close, but excited to see a massage parlor open in the location. It’s not only close to my house, it’s right across the street from my gym.

As I watched the progress of the remodeling, however, I became a little suspicious. The hand-written “VIP Massage” sign was a dead giveaway that image and sanitation probably weren’t high on their list of priorities. I’m happy to inform you that my fear of getting a nasty staph infection probably kept me from getting busted for suspicion of giving and/or receiving “happy endings” massages. Obsessive compulsive paranoia can be a good thing.

(By the way, the fact that I haven’t posted in the last couple of days has nothing to do with the bust of “VIP Massage.” However, if you need “a massage” really bad, just call my cell and ask for LuLu. I’ll be sure she gets the massage…I mean message.)

Let's Waste Some Time

Click here.

(It takes a while to load, then click some more.)

Laurie helps you spend a little bit of your tax rebate money

Nilla Wafers Cakesters
These are so delicious that I ate one pack then brought the rest to work so I wouldn't have them in my house.

Pasta from Pizza Hut
Absolutely delicious, comes with five breadsticks and reasonably priced.



Ceramic/Lawn Ornaments, Fountains and Statues
This one is only for people here in southeast Texas. There is a ceramic seller beside the Target store. There aren't any signs so you have to look for the driveway between the oil change place and the Target parking lot. After you turn into the lot, you'll see acres and acres of beautiful stone, mosaic, ceramic lawn accessories at unbelieveably reasonable prices. I paid $40 for the large ceramic vase in the left hand corner of the picture below.

My lovely patio
This won't save you money, but it will make you totally envious of my little patio/courtyard.

Iron Man

I'm not an action/comic book movie fanatic and heavily CGI-ed movies give me vertigo. I am, however, a huge Robert Downey, Jr. fan. So, I left work a little early today and caught the afternoon matinee of Iron Man.

TIP #1 FOR THE DAY: The trick to watching a movie in public with limited audience conversationalists (the person who's seen the movie already and is just there to accompany someone else, the person who constantly says, "Watch this part...") is to catch it the first day of its release.

When I realized I had forgotten to take a Dramamine to fight the inevitable motion sickness these types of movies usually give me, I got a little worried. Turns out, it wasn't a problem. This movie is smoooooooooooooth. It's also well written, well acted and totally entertaining. By the time you see this movie, you will probably know (if you don't already) who plays the bad guy. I didn't and was totally shocked when he said his first lines and I realized who it was. I'm not telling you who it is, but he is fantastic.

TIP #2 FOR THE DAY: When you go to see this movie (not IF...WHEN), try to sit by an 8 year old boy. As much as I enjoyed the film, multiply that by ten for an adult male, a hundred for a teenage male and a thousand for an 8 year old boy. Don't be creepy about it, but stake out a young boy, sit as close as you can without freaking him out and sit back and enjoy.

TIP #3 FOR THE DAY: Put on your shoes, grab your keys and go to the theater to see a movie, any movie. I know it's not as comfortable as your couch and I know you're taking your chances of getting stuck by an annoying person and I know the food is outrageously expensive. However, I don't care how great your sound system is at home or how big your television screen is, nothing can compare to the magnificence of seeing and hearing a movie in the theater on a huge screen surrounded by total strangers who are also caught up in the drama or comedy or horror or action unfolding in front of you. Go. Now.

You heard it here first

I have heard from a couple of very reliable sources that the concert at Ford Amphitheater out at Ford Park with ZZ Top and Montgomery Gentry scheduled for this weekend has been canceled, but that they (Ford Park? the promoters?) weren't advising the public, yet. If you call Ford Park, you will be told that it's just a rumor. However, ZZ Top, Montgomery Gentry and Ford Park have all taken the concert off of their websites.

Now, I'm not saying the show is canceled and I'm not saying you should make other plans. However, if it is canceled and the folks in charge have decided, for whatever reason, to not advise the public two days before the show, that's a bullshit move and I'm calling them on it.

I, personally, didn't buy tickets because I thought the prices were outrageous. However, those of you who did buy tickets need to start making some calls and bothering people.

Wow, I've never rabble-roused before. Feels good.

Edited to add:
I have now been told by people who were scheduled to work concessions for the concert that they were told a week ago that the concert would be either canceled or postponed and that they would not be needed. So, the powers that be (whoever they might be) have kept this information from the people, who paid not small amounts of their hard earned money, for a week. That's just wrong, wrong, wrong.

Edited to add (part 2):
According to commenters, e-mails and this morning's newspaper, the concert is definitely "postponed."