Just Another Day

*Pic*

Tuesday's Work Groove

CD's I'm bringing to work Tuesday:

Kings of Leon - Youth and Young Manhood
Jamiroquai - Traveling Without Moving
No Doubt - Rock Steady
Johnny Cash - The Heart of a Legend
The Best of Kansas

Follow-up on Mean Doctor Office Receptionist

Many, many years ago, I worked as a receptionist in an ophthalmologist's office. Doctor's office receptionist has to be one of the worst jobs in the world. I was always blamed by patients when the doctor was overbooked but I was also constantly under pressure to work in so-called emergencies which weren't emergencies at all. Ninety-nine percent of the patients were nice but it would only take one asshole to ruin my whole day. On top of that, the doctor wasn't a particularly nice guy so that didn't help matters at all.

This is the phone conversation I had with the rude receptionist Monday morning (see post right before this one):

Me: This is Laurie Anderson. I have an appointment at 12:45 p.m. today and I want to be sure that you got my blood work for my cholesterol levels before I come in.

Receptionist: I don't know.

Me: (Hestitation, because I can't believe what I just heard but I SWEAR I wasn't rude...) Would you like me to hold while you check my chart?

Receptionist: We're very busy right now. (No hesitation on her part and she WAS rude.)

Me: Would you like my phone number so you can check and call me back?

Receptionist: We're way too busy right now.

Me: (Trying to maintain my rapidly depleting dignity...) Okay. I guess I'll see you at 12:45. (How's that for a snappy comeback?)

In the meantime, I called the lab to be sure the blood work had been sent over because, the whole purpose of my call was to avoid (a) spending $40 for a useless doctor office visit and (b) leaving work on such a busy day.

My dilemma was whether or not to say something to the doctor or to his office manager when I got there. I decided to clean up any lingering bad karma I might still have from my doctor office receptionist days when I'm sure I was rude to an occasional patient. When I got to the doctor's office, I noticed everyone was being extremely nice to me. It's a very small office and I'm sure they overheard the earlier telephone exchange. The nurse even gave me some Lipitor samples which has never happened to me before.

When I was leaving, the rude girl made a big display out of how busy she was but with big, fake, cheerful exasperation. I wanted to punch her in the neck but I guess all's well that ends well. I sure hope I made some karma points on this one today and I hope that receptionist finds her true calling before someone yanks all her hair out by the roots. Not that I'm still dwelling on this or anything.

Happy Monday

So far this morning:
1. The chick at the doctor’s office was rude to me when I called to check on lab results.
2. It’s only 10:00 a.m. and my desk looks like I didn’t even come in this weekend.
3. I can’t catch the classic rock station out of Houston anymore.

Regarding problem number 3, I brought the following CD’s with me this morning for my personal listening pleasure:
1. The Best of the Moody Blues
2. Mexican Spaghetti Western (Chingon – Director Robert Rodriguez’s band)
3. Waiting for My Rocket to Come (Jason Mraz)
4. Songs About Jane (Maroon 5)
5. Get Born (Jet)

I think I’ll put in Mexican Spaghetti Western right before I go to the doctor at 12:45 p.m. and have a little talk with that chick at the doctor’s office. Anyone have a poncho and a cigar I can borrow.

Have a Nice...

Friday I got a call at work from my mom. She asked if I was busy. I'm always busy and she knows this but she always asks anyway. She asks if I'm busy and I say no because even if I say yes, she will continue with the conversation so there really is no point in saying I'm busy.

When she called Friday, she and dad were both talking at the same time. Mom was trying to tell me something but she and dad were laughing so hard, she wasn't making any sense. Finally, dad said, "Just let her listen to it." Mom said, "Yeah, yeah, yeah. Call back and listen to the recorder. We won't pick up the phone."

Oh boy, more craziness at the House of the Bored and Retired. When I called back, this is what I heard on the recorded message:

Dad's voice -
You have reached the home of Red and Ruby Ransonette and of Jingles the Clown and ...blah, blah, blah...(commercial for dad's clown business)...blah, blah, blah...I am completely booked up until June 16th. If I can help you after that date, please leave your number. Have a nice lay.

Mom's voice -
Red! You said have a nice lay!

Dad's voice -
No I didn't!

Mom's voice -
Yes you did! You said have a nice lay! Listen to it again!

Dad's voice -
No I...did I...(laughing, laughing, laughing)...

Mom's voice -
Yes you...(laughing, laughing, laughing)...

Then the recorder finally cut off.

I called them back and they were still laughing. Mom said that when dad recorded the message the first time, he ended the message with *Have a nice life.* In mom's opinion that sounded corny and told him he should change it to say *Have a nice day.* I'm sure that suggestion began a thirty minute argument, I mean discussion, which was evidently won by my mother because my dad agreed to change the message.

In true Freudian form, however, dad said lay instead of day. I personally thought they should have left the sexual well wishes in the message, but I don't suppose parents calling for a clown for their six year-old's birthday party would have seen the humor in it.

Three Things...

This was passed to my by my longest blogging friend, Lorna. Off we go...

• Three screen names that you have had: landerson1, lauriea776, lauriea
• Three things you like about yourself: my quest for fun, my calmness, my sense of humor
• Three things you don't like about yourself: occasionally obsessive, sometimes insecure, always afraid to take chances
• Three parts of your heritage: French, Cajun French, Native American
• Three things that scare you: Snakes, heights, public speaking
• Three of your everyday essentials: A little music, a little television, a little reading
• Three things you are wearing right now: T-shirt, boxers, a smile
• Three of your favorite songs: Maybe I'm Amazed, Under My Thumb, Pearl Necklace
• Three new things you want to try in the next twelve months: Jazz Fest in New Orleans, a new cuisine, go to a film festival
• Three things I want in a relationship: Laughter, love, serenity
• Two truths and a lie: I love sushi, I love margaritas, I love peas
• Three things you can't do without: Family, food, fun
• Three places you want to go on vacation: New York City, Europe, Australia
• Three things you just can't do: Sing, lie, skate
• Three kids' names: Moe, Larry, Curly
• Three things you want to do before you die: Kiss George Clooney, win an Oscar, kiss George Clooney some more
• Three Celeb crushes: George Clooney, Jude Law, Johnny Depp
• Three people I nominate to complete this exercise: Baby Sister Bonnie, Little Cousin Kara, Newest Blogging Friend Susan
  
  
  

Ask the Fat Dope

The Fat Dope is back off of hiatus. His latest response to a reader's question is thorough and hilarious as usual.

Saturday Night Quotes - P. J. O'Rourke

• A hat should be taken off when you greet a lady and left off for the rest of your life. Nothing looks more stupid than a hat.
• After all, what is your host's purpose in having a party? Surely not for you to enjoy yourself; if that were their sole purpose, they'd have simply sent champagne and women over to your place by taxi.
• Always read something that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.
• America wasn't founded so that we could all be better. America was founded so we could all be anything we damned well pleased.
• Anyway, no drug, not even alcohol, causes the fundamental ills of society. If we're looking for the source of our troubles, we shouldn't test people for drugs, we should test them for stupidity, ignorance, greed and love of power.
• Children from the age of five to ten should watch more television. Television depicts adults as rotten SOB's, given to fistfights, gunplay, and other mayhem. Kids who believe this about grownups aren't likely to argue about bedtime.
• Children must be considered in a divorce, considered valuable pawns in the nasty legal and financial contest that is about to ensue.
• Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely.
• Even a band of angels can turn ugly and start looting if enough angels are unemployed and hanging around the Pearly Gates convinced that all the succubi own all the liquor stores in Heaven.
• Even very young children need to be informed about dying. Explain the concept of death very carefully to your child. This will make threatening him with it much more effective.
• Every government is a parliament of whores. The trouble is, in a democracy, the whores are us.
• Family love is messy, clinging, and of an annoying and repetitive pattern, like bad wallpaper.
• Feeling good about government is like looking on the bright side of any catastrophe. When you quit looking on the bright side, the catastrophe is still there.
• Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.
• Gossip is what you say about the objects of flattery when they aren't present.
• Government proposes, bureaucracy disposes. And the bureaucracy must dispose of government proposals by dumping them on us.
• Humans are the only animals that have children on purpose with the exception of guppies, who like to eat theirs.
• I am a journalist and, under the modern journalist's code of Olympian objectivity (and total purity of motive), I am absolved of responsibility. We journalists don't have to step on roaches. All we have to do is turn on the kitchen light and watch the critters scurry.
• I like to think of my behavior in the sixties as a "learning experience." Then again, I like to think of anything stupid I've done as a "learning experience." It makes me feel less stupid.
• I suppose I should get a VCR, but the only thing I like about television is its ephemerality.
• If government were a product, selling it would be illegal.
• If you are young and you drink a great deal it will spoil your health, slow your mind, make you fat - in other words, turn you into an adult.
• If you say a modern celebrity is an adulterer, a pervert and a drug addict, all it means is that you've read his autobiography.
• Never be unfaithful to a lover, except with your wife.
• Never fight an inanimate object.
• Never wear anything that panics the cat.
• Social Security is a government program with a constituency made up of the old, the near old and those who hope or fear to grow old. After 215 years of trying, we have finally discovered a special interest that includes 100 percent of the population. Now we can vote ourselves rich.
• Staying married may have long-term benefits. You can elicit much more sympathy from friends over a bad marriage than you ever can from a good divorce.
• The Clinton administration launched an attack on people in Texas because those people were religious nuts with guns. Hell, this country was founded by religious nuts with guns. Who does Bill Clinton think stepped ashore on Plymouth Rock?
• The Democrats are the party that says government will make you smarter, taller, richer, and remove the crabgrass on your lawn. The Republicans are the party that says government doesn't work and then they get elected and prove it.
• The mystery of government is not how Washington works but how to make it stop.
• The proper behavior all through the holiday season is to be drunk. This drunkenness culminates on New Year's Eve, when you get so drunk you kiss the person you're married to.
• The weirder you're going to behave, the more normal you should look. It works in reverse, too. When I see a kid with three or four rings in his nose, I know there is absolutely nothing extraordinary about that person.
• There is only one basic human right, the right to do as you damn well please. And with it comes the only basic human duty, the duty to take the consequences.
• There's one more terrifying fact about old people: I'm going to be one soon.
• What use is it to endure the Dutch Rubs and Indian Rope Burns that are politics if you can't obtain mastery over people and give them noogies back?
• Whatever it is that the government does, sensible Americans would prefer that the government does it to somebody else. This is the idea behind foreign policy.
• When buying and selling are controlled by legislation, the first things to be bought and sold are legislators.
• You can't get rid of poverty by giving people money.

Nelly!

I just got home from the Nelly concert and it was fantastic! I've never seen or felt so much energy at a concert in my life, from both the stage and the audience. I've never been a fan of rap but now that I've seen it performed live, I understand the attraction. Nelly was electric as was the opening act Lil' Wayne. (That's where he puts the apostrophe. I looked it up.)

There was a lot of crotch grabbing and a sprinkling of *mother f##kers* but most of the crotch grabbing was probably a tactic used to keep their pants from falling off. Nelly was wearing a huge diamond studded belt buckle (bling bling) which seemed to weigh down his already low slung pants. Unfortunately, the pants stayed on. Fortunately, the shirt did not. Both Nelly and Lil' Wayne lost their shirts during their performances and that was worth the price of admission.

I have to work tomorrow and I will be making a stop at Best Buy afterward to buy me some of that rap music. I might even go to the mall and buy me some bling bling.

Congratulations Cory!

My son got a job. Well, he always had a job but now he has a job for the profession he went to college for. I love you Cory and I'm so proud of you. He and Jamie have to move a couple of hours away but, hey, road trip!

Thanks Wang!

Wang Chi came over last night and gave me my first Al Stewart lesson. We listened to Al while watching Monty Python and enjoying a bottle of cheap wine. It was great. Except, I kept talking during Al. I'll listen at work today. It shall be an Al Stewart day at the office.

At one point, we also got our friend Susan unlost as she was driving around Iowa. We had Google maps up on the computer and directed her straight to her hotel. It was the most surreal thing I've ever done. It was also the first time I had talked to her other than by e-mail. It's a strange world we're living in, kiddos.

Thanks Wang, I'm looking forward to my next lesson.

Finally!

My tub faucets look like cupcakes covered in caulk icing but I've finally stopped the leak from my bathtub that was dripping into my living room. To prove to you people that I have no shame, I herewith post pictures of my grotesque caulking work as well as a pic of my bathroom complete with a can of Febreeze on the little white cabinet above the toilet.

I was also going to post a picture of the horrendous work I did on the disgusting drain in the tub but I had to draw the line somewhere. I fully intended to do a picture-perfect caulking job but, after the fifth unsuccessful attempt at covering every possible orifice of the tub that might have been causing the leak, I didn't give a crap anymore and just started squeezing that poor little tube like a caulk crazed maniac. It may have been the fumes.

I guess I better keep my day job.

Bo Bice and Jon Stewart

I'm just sitting here, minding my own business, reading blogs, listening to Jon Stewart on The Daily Show when Jon Stewart announces that tonight's guest will be Bo Bice. Jon Stewart, Stephen Colbert and Bo Bice on one show. Gotta go.

Whoa, Nelly!

Several months ago, my sister Terry asked me if I wanted to go with her and her 14 year old daughter to see Nelly at Ford Arena. I said, "Sure, why not?" So, Terry purchased tickets for me, her, her hairdresser, her nail tech and my niece. The concert is this Friday and Terry just called to tell me that my niece has (wisely) decided she doesn’t want to go to the concert with four grownups (smart girl) and her ticket will instead be used by our friend Melissa.

The last time I went to a concert with Terry and Melissa, they ended up wrestling on the floor in front of the stage for a drumstick thrown by a Doobie Brother. That is the absolute truth. They were, literally, on the ground wrestling for the drumstick. Several years later, I was at work talking about the drumstick wrestling incident and one of the girls I work with, who had front row seats for the same Doobie Brothers concert, told me they had seen the whole thing and have been talking about those two insane women who fought over a Doobie Brothers drumstick for years.

Something tells me I’m in for an interesting evening.