Thursday, December 07, 2006

The Longest Three Minutes of Your Life

I got home from work Tuesday night and my computer was acting weird. Really weird. Really, really, bad weird. I was getting messages and warnings I had never seen before. The more I tried to fix it, the weirder it got. I finally had only one choice: the dreaded reboot. The computer wouldn’t even do a normal shutdown. I had to turn it off…at the power switch. Cue the scary music: Dum, dum, dum, dummmmmmm….

Suddenly, my social life, which is e-mail dependent, passed before my eyes. I envisioned the total collapse of my personal financial system which recently, after many hours of creating spreadsheets, online banking data entry and beautifully rendered Microsoft Money graphs, has gone paperless and check-free. (Those graphs by the way, show that I spend a delightfully obscene amount of money on “entertainment” and “dining out” and mainly at establishments on Crockett Street. I should probably do something about that. Nah, maybe next year.)

After pushing the power button for the computer to come back on, I waited.

“This is taking too long.”

“It doesn’t usually take this long.”

“Fuck.”

“Okay, that screen looks famili…what the fuck was that?”

“Dammit!”

“Okay, there you go. Come on, you can do it.”

“That doesn’t usually sound like that.”

“Cra…oh, wait, it’s okay.”

“Gotdammit! What the hellllll?! Name me?! What the fuck does that mean?”

“Oh.”

“Okay, here we go.”

“Shit, WHERE ARE MY FUCKING ICONS?!”

“Okay, okay, okay, there they are.”

“This is taking too long. It’s all gone! Gone! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!”

“Oh, wait. It’s okay. There’s my e-mail. I have internet.”

“It’s okay. It’s all going to be okay.”

“I love you Mr. Computer.”

“I’m sorry I called you a gotdammotherfuckingpieceoffesteringdogcrap.”

9 comments:

Sophmom said...

I hate it when that happens. Good luck.

Inca From Peru said...

The hard drive on my work laptop crashed yesterday morning. Wow. I wonder what's up?

Most people, if you asked, would probably say the full moon caused it; it is coveniently a full moon right now, and it seems to me most everyone these days, from my next door neighbor to the National Geographic Channel, are ready to attribute any occurrance with a non-obvious cause to the first non-obvious paranormal-ish solution which comes along. Simple A-B cause-and-effect, plus a huge leap of logic. Gotta love it.

Not me, though. I've done some research. Did you know that bituminous coal futures dropped 50 points yesterday on the Slovakian Mercantile Exchange? This drop was just a continuation of a free-fall that has been going on for a couple of months now, fueled at least partly by a concomitant decline in speculative buying in turn caused by, I think, the National Geographic Channel's insistence on continually re-running of a couple of documentaries about global warming that focus on many possible scenarios, including the deliterious effects on the coal industry which would be the result of significant thermal effects over Eastern Europe.

And I am thinking in addition to that, there is a possibility at least that the spiraling coal futures in Slovakia also crashed my hard drive; so that's what I am going with, for now.

cindybindy said...

However did we manage to live before computers and the super duper speedy fast internet? I'm damn near hysterical if I can't get to the computer and check my e-mail and cruise around and look at useless, crazy shit I find myself looking at on the net. It must be a sign of the times :)

laura1814 said...

Laurie! I have two words for you: "Back up."

(I know, I don't either.)

Serena Joy said...

Doesn't that just scare the living pee out of you when it looks like your computer's dying and you're about to lose touch with civilization? Every time mine acts up, the first thing I do is check my credit card balance to see if I can swing a new one -- if I have to. LOL. I'm glad you got everything back. Lots of weird computer stuff going on lately.

Jack said...

My computer keeps telling me that I need to back up and replace my hard drive.

but I think it's just the full moon talking. But not superstitious, so I'm just going to ignore it and see what happens.

Laurie said...

Sophmom - I have my fingers crossed.

Inca - I blame everything on paranormal-ish stuff. Well, that and those damn Slovakian coal miners. Bunch of woosies.

Cindy - I totally agree. When I'm out of town, I secretly write little notes of things I need to look up when I get home. I'm hopeless.

Laura - I back up my pictures and my bank stuff but it still freaks me out when I have computer trouble.

Serena Joy - There sure does seem to be a lot of computer problems doesn't there? I paranormal-ishly blame the aliens.

Jack - Back up and replace your hard drive?! Holy crap. Yeah, ignoring it should work just fine.

Peter said...

Now that's a conversation I've had at times with my computer too Laurie.

Laurie said...

Peter - Scary, ain't it?