Sunday, July 31, 2005

Adware/Spyware on this Blog

While looking at my blog on my sister's computer, she asked me why I had links in my posts to things like tennis shoes and wedding cakes and sweet dreams. I told her that I didn't make those links and I then looked more closely at the way my blog appeared on her computer screen. The links that I put in the posts are only highlighted while the Adware/Spyware links are highlighted and double underlined.

I don't think there is anything I can do from my end to prevent this. I wanted to let everyone know that if my blog shows up with strange links that lead you to sites that are trying to sell you something, I had nothing to do with it and you need to check your computer for Adware/Spyware.

Toxic Poop

My son and daughter-in-law have a beautiful Jack Russell Terrier mix dog. He's about 8 months old and still somewhat in the puppy stage. When Cory and Jamie came in Friday night, we were busy bustling around bringing in bags and visiting and hugging and running around the house all talking at once.

None of us were paying attention to Oakley who, giving him the benefit of the doubt, I'm sure was trying to tell us he desperately needed to take a huge dump. We paid dearly for our inattentiveness. As Cory was leaving to go out and bring in one last batch of stuff from his truck, we heard him say, "Oakley, what did you do?" Jamie and I looked up and Cory looked at us and said, "He crapped by the door!" To Oakley's credit, he did do it right in front of the door. This is not a large dog and I still can't figure out how all of that came out of that tiny ass.

After Cory scolded him and took him outside, he came back in to clean it up. As he opened the door to come back in the house, the draft from opening and closing the front door forced the odor from the doggy dump further into the house. That's when everyone sprung into action. Suddenly, we were all grabbing our mouths and moaning and groaning like food poison victims.

Jamie ran upstairs to get the air freshener out of the bathroom and I ran to the laundry room to grab a can of Lysol. We sprayed and sprayed but the smell just would not go away. Cory picked up their empty Wendy's Hamburger bag from dinner on the road and put the offensive mass into the bag. As he got close to the kitchen garbage can, I yelled, "Don't put it in there!" I am not a yeller. I never yell...ever. Cory had no intention of putting the bag of doggy doo in the garbage can but I had panicked. He looked at me like I had lost my mind which was partly true.

The way we were all acting and running around spraying Febreze and Lysol, you would have thought Cory was carrying anthrax around in that bag. I told him, "Grab (gag) a plastic garbage (gag) bag and put (gag, gag, gag) the Wendy's bag (gaaaaaaaag) in the plastic kitchen garbage bag (gag) then put it in a big garbage bag, " all the while still spraying Lysol and holding my hand over my mouth and nose.

That was two days ago and, I swear I can still conjure up that smell from memory. And, people ask me why I don't have (gag) pets.

We Are Fam-i-ly

Saw Jive Train tonight at Antones and once again they were fantastic. My son and his wife were in town and it was another wonderful show with lots of family and friends. I will post soon about the Big Wasp War on my patio today and about the Big Poop Episode by my front door Friday night (Cory and Jamie have a dog) but for now I will defer to Wang Chi for the Jive Train review.

Good night (morning) and sweet dreams.

Friday, July 29, 2005

Friday Night Quotes - Insomnia and Sleep

Several months ago, I hurt my shoulder and was on a pretty high dosage of steroids for about a week. One of the side effects I was dreading was insomnia. I love to sleep. I love naps. I can sleep late, take a nap and still be fast asleep by 10:00 p.m. if I like.

The problem is, I also like to stay up late. I love watching television all night or reading all night or being out and about all night or writing all night. I guess I'm a sleep schizophrenic. Since I've never suffered from insomnia, I didn't know what to expect from the Prednisone.

My dread soon turned to delight as I found I could get by on about four hours of sleep. Instead of barely being able to keep my eyes open at 10:30 p.m., I stayed up until 2:00 or 3:00 a.m. I loved having all that extra time added to the end of my day. Since the steroids also energized me, I didn't suffer from fatigue the next day.

Alas, my reign as Queen of the Night was shortlived and I'm back to needing about eight hours of sleep a night to really feel alert the next day. I miss the feeling of being awake and doing things while everyone else is asleep. It's like a sneaky little secret. So, tonight I have rounded up quotes about sleep and insomnia.

Sweet dreams.

If you can't sleep, then get up and do something instead of lying there worrying. It's the worry that gets you, not the lack of sleep. ~Dale Carnegie

No day is so bad it can't be fixed with a nap. ~Carrie Snow

People who say they sleep like a baby usually don't have one. ~Leo J. Burke

It's at night, when perhaps we should be dreaming, that the mind is most clear, that we are most able to hold all our life in the palm of our skull. I don't know if anyone has ever pointed out that great attraction of insomnia before, but it is so; the night seems to release a little more of our vast backward inheritance of instincts and feelings; as with the dawn, a little honey is allowed to ooze between the lips of the sandwich, a little of the stuff of dreams to drip into the waking mind. I wish I believed, as J. B. Priestley did, that consciousness continues after disembodiment or death, not forever, but for a long while. Three score years and ten is such a stingy ration of time, when there is so much time around. Perhaps that's why some of us are insomniacs; night is so precious that it would be pusillanimous to sleep all through it! A "bad night" is not always a bad thing. ~Brian W. Aldiss

Dawn: When men of reason go to bed. ~Ambrose Bierce

Life is something that happens when you can't get to sleep. ~Fran Lebowitz

It's a cruel season that makes you get ready for bed while it's light out. ~Calvin

Most people do not consider dawn to be an attractive experience - unless they are still up. ~Ellen Goodman

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps. ~Author Unknown

The bed is a bundle of paradoxes: we go to it with reluctance, yet we quit it with regret; we make up our minds every night to leave it early, but we make up our bodies every morning to keep it late. ~Charles Caleb Colton

There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast. ~Author Unknown

Insomnia is a gross feeder. It will nourish itself on any kind of thinking, including thinking about not thinking. ~Clifton Fadiman

Sleep is a symptom of caffeine deprivation. ~Author Unknown
A flock of sheep that leisurely pass by
One after one; the sound of rain, and bees
Murmuring; the fall of rivers, winds and seas,
Smooth fields, white sheets of water, and pure sky -I've thought of all by turns, and still I lie
Sleepless...~William Wordsworth, "To Sleep"

If a man had as many ideas during the day as he does when he has insomnia, he'd make a fortune. ~Griff Niblack
A ruffled mind makes a restless pillow. ~Charlotte Brontë
Nothing cures insomnia like the realization that it's time to get up. ~Author Unknown
The worst thing in the world is to try to sleep and not to. ~F. Scott Fitzgerald
O bed! O bed! delicious bed! That heaven upon earth to the weary head.~Thomas Hood, Miss Kilmansegg - Her Dream
Without enough sleep, we all become tall two-year-olds. ~JoJo Jensen, Dirt Farmer Wisdom, 2002
All men whilst they are awake are in one common world: but each of them, when he is asleep, is in a world of his own. ~Plutarch

Then, the cool kindliness of sheets, that soon
Smooth away trouble; and the rough male kiss
Of blankets....~Rupert Brooke, "The Great Lover,"

I'm not asleep... but that doesn't mean I'm awake. ~Author Unknown
When you have insomnia, you're never really asleep, and you're never really awake. ~From the movie Fight Club, based on the novel by Chuck Palahniuk
In its early stages, insomnia is almost an oasis in which those who have to think or suffer darkly take refuge. ~Colette
There are twelve hours in the day, and above fifty in the night. ~Marie de Rabutin-Chantal

Thursday, July 28, 2005

Punch Drunk

For those of you who don't have to punch a timeclock, each day has four punches: Morning (In), Lunch Hour (Out), Lunch Hour (In) and Afternoon (Out).

When I got to work Tuesday, I punched in and, as most people do, looked at what I had punched. Then, I looked again. It looked right because there were five punches but it also looked wrong. Where there should have been four (In, Out, In, Out) Monday punches and one (In) Tuesday punch, there were three Monday punches and two Tuesday punches.

How could I have punched in twice and not remember? Was the clock broken? Had I actually come to work thirty minutes earlier and had some sort of weird alien time loss thing and was punching in again because I had no memory of the first punch? If so, had I been anally probed?

What about the three punches from Monday instead of four? Why would I walk directly past the timeclock on my way out the door and not punch? Punching the clock becomes as automatic as sucking the lime after a shot of tequila. How could I forget?

I swear I stood there totally bewildered for a good thirty seconds staring at that time card with those three Monday punches and two Tuesday punches before I realized that two bizarre incidents had occurred to create my confusion at 8:00 a.m. (give or take 10 minutes) before my coffee. I had inexplicably forgotten to punch out Monday evening and someone else had punched in with my card instead of punching in with their own card Tuesday morning.

I still can't believe these people still pay me to work here.

Wednesday, July 27, 2005

Tuesday, July 26, 2005

Albino Whitetail Deer

NOTE: After rechecking with the girl who sent me the e-mail about this deer, I found out she does not actually know the people who found it. According to Snopes, the story behind the baby deer is still unconfirmed.

One of the girls at work forwarded these pictures to us from a friend of hers. The friend's husband saw the deer in the road and thought it was a goat but it turned out to be a very rare albino whitetail deer. They called the Houston Zoo and Fossil Rim and decided to give the deer to a game warden. If I get anymore details about what happened to the deer, I'll let everyone know.

The picture below shows the deer laying beside a tennis shoe.

Monday, July 25, 2005

Searching for the Perfect Margarita

In my profile, I state that I am always searching for the perfect margarita. It's a rather strenuous hobby and not to be attempted by amateurs. From time to time, I will get an e-mail from someone who has read the blog or someone will leave a comment with their favorite margarita recipe and everyone swears that their recipe is the best.

Below are some of the most recent offerings. Next time I go out (Jive Train at Antones this weekend!), I'm going to ask for a Hpnotiq Margarita and see what I get. I've never tried Hpnotiq. Actually, I haven't tried any of these margaritas, yet. I'm a little behind on my homework.

Hpnotiq Margarita - Version 1
2 oz Hpnotiq
1 oz Premium White Tequila
Splash of Lime
Shake well and strain in a salted cocktail glass.

Hpnotiq Margarita - Version 2
1.5 oz Lime Juice
1.0 oz Sweet and Sour Mix
1.5 oz Tequila
3.0 oz Triple sec
3.0 oz Hpnotiq

Perfect Margarita
2 parts Patron
1 part Cointreau
1 part simple syrup (equal parts sugar/water dissolved)
1 part fresh lime juice
Squeeze a bit of orange juice for a nice twist

Best Ever Margarita
1 can frozen limeade
Juice of 2 limes
6 oz tequila
2 oz Triple Sec
Top up blender with ice cubes
Blend until slushy
Rim glasses with margarita salt (wet rims with lime peels)

Sunday, July 24, 2005

I've been tagged by Comfort Addict to list the Five Things I Miss From Childhood. Off we go:

  1. Endless summers, school holidays and weekends - As children, our days off were so full of activities that flowed from one unrelated activity to the next, from morning until night, that they seemed to go on forever.
  2. Waking up, getting ready and being out the door in 10 minutes - I remember my mom getting up on Sunday mornings and going to 9:00 a.m. Mass so she could come home and cook Sunday dinner and my dad would go with us kids later to 11:00 a.m. Mass. Sometimes, I would hear my mom getting ready, get up, brush my hair and teeth and put on a dress and be ready to go in about 10 minutes. I now need at least an hour to create the same no-fuss effect.
  3. Sunday visiting - On Sunday afternoons, the whole family would get in the car and 'go visiting' to wherever the mood struck my parents. Sometimes we would just go riding around and end up at Rettig's Ice Cream Parlor or LaFleur's Bakery or the bread store for fresh baked bread.
  4. School - I enjoyed school, both the learning aspect and the social aspect. You don't really appreciate the fact that you have so many different relationships (best friends, casual friends, boyfriends, crushes, teachers, teacher crushes...) until you get out of school and the people contact is cut down to a few co-workers.
  5. Relatives - I really miss my grandparents and all of the relatives who have passed away. I also don't see my cousins and aunts and uncles near as often as I would like. Once everyone starts raising their own families, it's inevitable that the time spent with the extended family becomes less and less. I'm fortunate, though, that we at least spend a portion of most holidays together.

I'm tagging Jen, Bonnie and Kara and anyone else who wants to leave their answers in my comments or post them on your own blog. If you tag yourself and blog your answers, let us know in my comments.

Saturday, July 23, 2005

New Exercise Equipment

I put an ad on saying I had 4 tires with rims to give away that my son had left in my garage. (To paraphrase A Christmas Story, the tires were only tires in the academic sense of the word meaning they were round and had once been made out of rubber.) The catch was that you couldn't have the tires without taking my old refrigerator which was also taking up space in my garage. I've been trying to get rid of that refrigerator for months but, because of the freon, getting rid of an old refrigerator is a huge pain in the ass.

My tip for the day to you, if you have an old refrigerator to dispose of, is to just put an ad in your local classifieds offering it for free if they also take some of your other useless crap. I had ten responses to that ad. When I put an ad for the refrigerator alone, I got no responses.

Today, a guy came out and took the refrigerator and the tires. Now I have space in my garage for that exercise equipment I've been wanting to buy. Hahahahahaha! Oh, that was funny. Exercise equipment...hahahahahaha!

Reunion Crashers - Part 3

After last night's class reunion, I have an idea that would surely enhance people's lives. Everyone, at all times, should wear name tags.

Heaven knows how many people I grew up with or worked with that I come across on a day-to-day basis that I'm just not recognizing. There were some people I spoke with last night that I would have recognized in a heartbeat if I happened upon them in the grocery store but there were others that I wouldn't have recognized in a million years if I passed them on the street.

I found out last night that a guy I graduated with lives in the same very small town in Arkansas as my brother. They probably cross paths all the time and don't even know they grew up in the same town in Southeast Texas. I find that horribly sad.

Reunion Crashers - Part 2

We had a great time at my sister's pre-class reunion social tonight. Shortly after we arrived, however, we realized that my sister Terry and our friend Judy, the actual Class of '75 classmates in our little group, were the only ones who had brought an entourage.

Although we're fairly certain no one minded that we were there, the entourage (me, Bonnie, Melissa and Keren) spent most of the night in the hotel bar adjacent to the room where the social was being held. It was like two parties in one with old friends from the reunion coming in and out of the bar and us popping in and out of the social.

If you have the opportunity to crash one of these functions, you should do it. You might not think there would be anyone there you want to see or anyone who would want to see you, but I'm willing to bet you would be wrong.

Thursday, July 21, 2005

Reunion Crasher

Friday night, I’m going with my sister Terry to her pre-class reunion social. It’ll be girl’s night for me, Terry, Melissa, Bonnie and our friend Judy. It occurs to me that I don't think I've ever told any Judy stories. We’ve known Judy since elementary school and in high school we became best friends. However, we both dated guys who were total opposites which eventually led to us spending less and less time together. It’s one of those friendships though that bubbles right back up to where it left off whenever we see each other.

Of the five of us who are going to the social Friday night, Terry and Judy are the only two who actually graduated in 1975 from Thomas Jefferson in Port Arthur. Bonnie, Melissa and I, however, grew up with those in the class from the ‘hood (Lakeview) so we always crash the Friday night social. The strange thing is I worked the door at my mom and Bonnie’s class reunions and I’m attending Terry’s pre-reunion but I didn’t go to my own reunion. I hung out with a lot more of the people in Terry’s class than I did in my own so I’m looking forward to it. Whereas the hippies and brains I hung out with in my own class rarely attend my reunions, the people I knew in Terry’s class usually show up.

I’m the designated driver tomorrow which always puts a different twist on things. Herding four drunk heifers around all night should be interesting to say the least. Night fev-ah, night fev-ahhhhhhhh!!!

Wednesday, July 20, 2005

Another Funny Video Clip

I just got home from having dinner with the girls I used to work with that I meet with once a month. We had dinner at a restaurant in Orange called Acapulco. The food was good but the service sucked.

For tonight I'm just going to give you another funny video. This is a music video which is a combination of Napoleon Dynamite and Usher. I love it.

Tuesday, July 19, 2005

Finger Lickin' Good

Last night I got an e-mail from a guy I don’t know which simply said, “Have you ever eaten the fried chicken at the courthouse?”

Possible Explanations for this E-mail:
  1. I’ve been spammed. The e-mail is really offering Viagra or Cialis or a cheap mortgage and I just haven't cracked the code, yet.
  2. The e-mail is the equivalent of an 'Oops, wrong number.'
  3. The guy works for the health department and is taking a random fried chicken survey.
  4. He really wants to try the fried chicken at the courthouse but isn’t sure if he wants to make the big commitment to grab that chicken leg before checking with a few Beaumonters.
  5. He would like to meet me over a plate of fried chicken rather than the usual coffee or drinks. How Southern. I think Scarlett O'Hara would approve.
  6. He’s an inmate in the jail at the courthouse and he's trying to lure women to the courthouse with the promise of some hot crispy fried chicken.
  7. He owns the café at the courthouse and is trying to drum up a little business, one e-mail at a time.
  8. He saw me at Popeye’s scarfing down a 4-Piece Dark Meal with Red Beans and Rice and knows I can eats me some chicken.
  9. It’s really a Tom Cruise trick and responding to the e-mail will flood my in-box with War of the Worlds, Scientology and Katie Holmes propoganda.
  10. It’s FINALLY George Clooney looking for some deep fried southern lovin’ from Yours Truly.

Analogy of the day...

If my stapler was a six-shooter and I was Gary Cooper and it was high noon, I’d be fucking dead. Piece of shit.

Monday, July 18, 2005

Funny Joggers

This is hilarious.

US Indie Expo

First there was Rockfest 77, now there is the US Indie Expo. The expo will be held at Beaumont's Fair Park from August 19 - August 23, 2005. It is advertised as a film and music festival which will bring indie artists, filmmakers and bands together with industry professionals.

There will be a national battle of the bands competition, five nights of concerts, skateboarders, car and bike shows, guest speakers and a film festival.

The website states there will be over 500 bands. Headliners for the various concerts (VH1 Classic Rock Never Stops, Rock, Country, Punk and Headbangers) include Skid Row, Quiet Riot, Cinderella, Ratt, The Bellamy Brothers, Kyle Jennings, Little Texas, The Dickies, Loaded Moses and Carbon 9. (The dates on the poster above aren't correct but it does list bands that will be at the festival.)

Check out the website and do a Google of US Indie Expo. It seems like this might turn out to be a big deal.

Sunday, July 17, 2005

Sea Monkey Sex Update

I bet you thought all my Sea Monkeys had died didn't you? I thought they were on their way to extinction a few weeks ago myself. I only had four left and then, BAM, I woke up one morning and had a tank full of babies. A week later, I had still more new babies and all of the babies from the week before had survived. Now the tank is having a population explosion.

The reason for this post is that when I looked at the tank this morning, there were even three Sea Monkeys having a menage-a-trois! I've had this tank for about six months now and I've never seen that.

I think the animal kingdom and the planet in general are going nuts what with all the shark attacks and I even heard that someone got attacked by a seal or something. Well, I might have dreamed the seal thing. (Edited to add: Now I remember where I saw the Sea Lion thing.) Then there was the tsunami and the blowing up the comet thing and all these damn hurricanes this summer.

I tried to take some pictures of the Sea Monkey sex but they're kind of blurry. Pretend you're trying to watch porn on a scrambled television channel and you'll get the idea.

This picture shows a single sea monkey, the menage-a-trois and a more traditional pair doing it doggy style.

Led Zepland vs. Local Music

I just got back from Crockett Street. Tonight we saw Led Zepland at Antone's and they had a new singer from the last time I saw them. In the south, we're told, "If you can't say nothing nice, don't say nothing at all." So, I will leave it at that. In the movie Steel Magnolias, Dolly Parton's character paraphrases the old saying and says, "If you can't say nothing nice, come sit next to me." If any of you are ever sitting next to me, I will tell you exactly what I thought of the new version of Led Zepland.

We left Antone's and went to the Dixie where the body heat from the 20-somethings in lust ran us out of the place pretty quickly. We ended up at the place we probably should have been at all night. At the Star Bar, there were various musicians from some of the best local bands jamming together acoustically in various mixtures of said musicians. (I suppose that is the definition of 'jamming' isn't it?) There were members of The Kaiser Brothers, Buffalo Blonde, Knuckle Deep and Riverfly. At one point a guy got up and sang that wonderful Marshall Tucker song "Can't You See?" and I swear I got a little choked up.

Saturday, July 16, 2005

Eight Feet Deep - The Blog

I met a fellow Beaumont blogger last night at the Dixie Dance Hall. He's a very nice guy. Check out his blog. He quit his newspaper job to become a full-time freelance writer. I just know it's my job that's holding me back from making a career out of sitting in my fabulous townhouse in the French Quarter writing novel after novel after novel. But, I do like to eat, so work I must.

Of course, it might not be the job that's hindering me. It might be the one thing that has kept me from achieving greatness my whole life. I have a total lack of ambition. My motto is that of Frank Costanza: "SERENITY NOW!" In my quest for serenity, I have perhaps turned down my motivation meter so low that I'm so content with my life as it is at this moment that I don't push myself to achieve more.

The most motivation I can kick up this morning is to either go shopping for a new outfit to wear tonight or dust my computer room. I think I'll skip the dusting, go shopping and think about book ideas while I shop.

I went out tonight and all I got was this lousy t-shirt...

We went out to the Dixie Dance Hall tonight with our friend Clay to entertain him while his family is out of town. At one point during the night, I was admiring the t-shirts worn by the staff and the picture dude (the dude who will take a picture of your group for a mere $5) said, "You want one? Talk to that guy." So, I talked to that guy and he said he would sell me one for a mere $30. So, of course, I bought one. I know. I know. Don't lecture me, my sister Bonnie already did. "You gave some guy $30 for that shirt? Have you completely lost your mind?"

At some point during the night, I put the t-shirt on over my stylish peasant blouse and sat at our table hoping a manager would come up and tell me to get back to work. I was going to look at him and say, "Kiss my ass. I quit."

At around midnight, all the beautiful people started arriving at the club. I'm telling you, Beaumont has some beautiful, gorgeous, movie star quality looking people here. Next time I'm going to bring my camera so I can show you. I asked Bonnie and Clay, "When do they start telling us old, ugly people to leave?"

We finally did call it quits at around 1:30 a.m. for no particular reason other than that we knew they would kick us out eventually.

Tomorrow night, Led Zepland at Antone's.

By the way, if you don't know the definition of 'slump buster' (the phrase is on the shirt), I looked it up: The person you have sex with when you haven't had sex in a long time.

Friday, July 15, 2005

Steven Wright Quote

I heard that in relativity theory, space and time are the same thing. Einstein discovered this when he kept showing up three miles late for his meetings.

Steven Wright

Thursday, July 14, 2005

I'll Take A Couple Bottles of That

The talk of the lunchroom today was about a woman in a quiet neighborhood here in Beaumont who was attacked at 10:00 a.m. Sunday morning in broad daylight by a man she caught in her backyard trying to start her riding lawnmower. When the woman went into her backyard to confront the man, he tried to sexually assault her.

"That's just crazy," said co-worker 1.

"It was the middle of the morning. He must have been on drugs," added co-worker 2.

"What kind of a drug would someone take that would make them want to cut grass and have sex?" I asked.


"Wait a minute," I said, "If there's a drug that would make my next husband want to cut grass and have sex. I want some of that."

Co-worker 1 said, "I'm going to pull my husband's riding lawnmower into the front yard and see if I can get any takers."


"Hell," co-worker 1 continued, "My husband would probably drive it out there for me. 'There you go, Susie. Knock yourself out'."

Wednesday, July 13, 2005

Ligers and Tigons and Napoleon Dynomite, Oh My!

There is a scene in Napoleon Dynamite where Napoleon is drawing a Liger and he says it's 'pretty much my favorite animal' or something like that. A Liger is the product of breeding a male lion and a female tiger. A Tigon is a result of the mating of a male tiger and a female lion. I had no idea there were actually such animals. Here is the Wikipedia definition. The picture above is a Liger.

The picture on the right is of two Tigons.

There are also Li-Tigons, Ti-Ligers, Ti-Tigons and Li-Ligers.


A commenter asks how there can be Li-Tigons, etc. if the Ligers and Tigons are sterile. The Wikipedia article states, 'Male ligers are usually sterile. Female ligers are often fertile and can be mated to a tiger resulting in ti-liger offspring or to a lion resulting in li-liger offspring.'

Tuesday, July 12, 2005

Wonderful, Beautiful...

It occurred to me this evening that I didn't do my usual Friday Night Standup/Quotes post this past Friday. I considered doing a bunch of quotes from the Simpsons but there are so many, I would never be able to choose. Here are a couple of sites with Simpsons quotes and I'll just let you Google about for yourselves searching for Homer and Bart's pearls of wisdom.

My favorite Homer Simpson quote of all time occurred during an episode in which Homer was forced to be the designated driver for his drunk friends. At the beginning of the end of the night of Homer's designated driving nightmare, his friends were spouting off all sorts of ridiculous things they just had to do right then. Sober Homer said, "That's just drunk talk...wonderful, beautiful drunk talk."

For your entertainment, I give you herewith ten examples of Wonderful Beautiful Drunk Talk. After each intoxication proclamation, you should insert The Chorus.

  • Look at that ass! Shhhhhh...I'm going to grab it.
Chorus: Yeah! Woo Hoo! Alright! Let's go!!!
  • I'm going to kick his ass!
  • Let's walk to...(fill in the blank with your favorite local gay bar)!
  • Waffle House!
  • For Halloween, let's all dress up like...(fill in the blank with ridiculously difficult costume ideas, the construction of which will never happen in a million years).
  • Let's go to my house! I'll make omelets!!
  • The casinos in Louisiana are open all night!
  • One day, I'm going to buy this bar.
  • Let's all sing American Pie!
  • We can be in New Orleans in three hours!
(Chorus! Chorus! Chorus!)

Theory of Stupid-ivity

Do you ever wonder how some people make it through life on a day to day basis? You know the people I’m talking about. Everything they do is backward or dangerous or just plain stupid. My dad's favorite quote:

God looks after small animals and dumbasses.

Monday, July 11, 2005

Where Does This Sh*t Go?!

Where is my 1964 AM Gold CD?! Today, I brought five of my AM Gold CDs to work for my personal listening pleasure. When I opened the 1964 case, there was no CD.

I don't lose things. I have every school picture ever taken of my son except for his second grade group picture and I have every checkbook register I’ve ever had since my first checking account except for one register from the fall of 1982. I also can't find the CD case for my soundtrack of My Best Friend’s Wedding. Where is all that stuff?

Is the '64 AM Gold CD in some car I traded in? Is it in a CD player in a beach cabin I once rented? Is it in a portable CD player I sold in a garage sale?

Sunday, July 10, 2005

Miss New Orleans, Miss Jane and Wang Chi's Search for the Holy Grail

I went out Friday evening with Miss Jane and Wang Chi in search of The Holy Grail. Although the night began with the search for Monty Python's Holy Grail we also found ourselves searching for Miss Jane's Holy Grail.

Our friend, Miss Jane (one of her many pseudonyms) was having a hard time getting into the party mood. She e-mailed me shortly before 5:00 p.m. saying she had a headache and didn't know if she would be joining us. I convinced her that a couple of cocktails and clever conversation with me and Mr. Chi would fix her right up. The quest for Miss Jane's Holy Grail of Fun had begun.

We started out at a little pub on Crockett Street but her mood didn't improve when the bar allegedly ran out of the wine she had been drinking. After a brief discussion, we decided that rather than Miss Jane changing beverages, we would leave in search of another bar. As we stood to leave, we heard a huge commotion behind us. We turned and noticed about six people at the bar yelling at something toward the door. We turned around and looked back toward the door (no one was behind us) then back toward the bar where now about ten people were yelling in our general direction. It turned out they were yelling at us. They had found more of Miss Jane's wine. After unintentionally creating such a scene, we decided to stay there until it was time to walk to the movie.

As we were on the way to the movie, Miss Jane again tried to bail on us. We convinced her that although our scintillating conversation and a couple of glasses of wine hadn't improved her mood, surely some Monty Python antics would do the trick. We walked to the newly and beautifully refurbished Jefferson Theater to watch Monty Python and the Holy Grail.

The theater was about two-thirds filled with a large and enthusiastic crowd. Some were even in costume. All around us, we could hear people quoting from the movie and I couldn't wait to see the movie on the big screen with a theater full of people who also loved the movie. Did you know there are Monty Python action figures? And, that you can actually buy helmets and tunics and swords? Neither did I.

Finally, the lights went down, everyone cheered and the credits began to roll. However, it soon became evident that there was a sound problem. I don't know anything about movie sound but it seemed that the track with the music was fine while the track with the dialogue was scratchy and barely audible. It was heartbreaking to watch the video and not be able to also experience the hilarious dialogue. The disappointment of the crowd was palpable.

The projectionist ran the movie up to the point of the French Taunter and finally gave up. With many heartfelt apologies, someone got on stage and told us the distributor had sent the Jefferson a 'trick print' of the film and they would try to get a good copy and reschedule the screening. As you might guess this didn't help Miss Jane's mood. She blamed herself and the little black cloud that had followed her around all day.

We headed back to Crockett Street once again convincing Miss Jane to give us just one more chance. There was to be a street party with one of my favorite Baton Rouge bands, Cam Pyle, playing. Surely, surely that would do the trick. When we got back to Crockett Street, there was no stage set up and we eventually found out that the street party had been canceled because of rain earlier in the day and because of the threat of rain that had been forecast for that night (which never occurred).

Our last, last chance to find Miss Jane's Holy Grail of Fun would happen in TEN where the consumption of a Sugar Baby martini or two would surely do the trick. (Zina, I finally got the ingredients for the Sugar Baby: Bailey's, Vanilla Vodka, Kahlua, Buttershots and cream with caramel drizzled across the top.) While my Sugar Baby was yummy as usual, Miss Jane declared hers 'not foamy enough.' I fear that her little black cloud had grown to her own personal Hurricane Dennis at that point and there was no way out for her other than mandatory evacuation.

Miss Jane finally broke free from our death grip of the promise of better times just around the next corner and left Wang and I in TEN. We moved on to the Star Bar where we happened to run into my son and his wife and his sister-in-law and her boyfriend. Eventually, we went to get a hamburger at the biker bar where we ran into my sister and her husband then went back to the Star Bar to finish out the evening. I love Crockett Street.

Finding fun for me is less of a search for an elusive Holy Grail and more like just reaching for one of those plastic Mardi Gras cups that fill up kitchen cabinets all over south Louisiana and southeast Texas. They're always within reach and there's plenty for everyone. You just have to open your eyes, know where to look and reach out and grab it.

Dannielle's Baby

My cousin Susan's daughter Dannielle and her husband Jonathan had their baby. Her name is Alayna. She was born July 6, 2005, weighed 9 pounds 4 ounces and was 20.3 inches long. I have written about Dannielle before here, here and here.

Here is a before picture:

Here is an after picture:

Saturday, July 09, 2005

Lorna's Blog Party

My friend Lorna hosted a blog party. She posted the following 15 words which were to be included in a story and posted on our own sites. The deadline to turn in a story is Sunday, 7/10, so pop over there and join the party.

Here are the words:

incessantly, vibration, apple, reaching, professional, immaculate, seawater, blush, wondering, manufacture, quivery, desperate, straw, separated, tendrils

Here is my story:

As the young boys tap danced incessantly outside my balcony room window, I realized that the nap I was so desperate for and so badly needed wasn't going to happen. The sound of the click, click, clicking on the pavement below created a vibration in my head that might possibly be soothed by several apple martinis preferably sucked down through some sort of festive straw and decorated with a lovely tiny paper umbrella. I began wondering where I might find this magical concoction. To hell with the nap.

Reaching for my watch on the hotel room nightstand, I discovered it had been less than an hour since I had been able to manufacture a suitable excuse and had separated myself from the madness of the bars and chaos that is Bourbon Street. My friends, being the professional drinkers they are, were still out there somewhere.

I walked out onto my small balcony to check out the scene below before planning my quest for the perfect apple martini. Tendrils of beads still hung from the railings from the evening before which had been thrown by lustful men with quivery hands hoping to see the blush of a woman's (any woman's) breast.

I walked back into our previously immaculate room which, after two days in New Orleans, now looked as though it had been hit by a tornado and went into the bathroom to freshen up for my apple-icious quest. I brushed my teeth and, without thinking, took a big gulp of French Quarter tap water which, not suprisingly, tasted somewhat like seawater. Perhaps the wretched tap water in The Quarter is the reason people drink so many non-water type beverages while on their pilgrimage to decadence. It's as good an excuse as any, I suppose.

Friday, July 08, 2005

Friday - Party at Work

So far, this hasn't been a bad day for a Friday. Fridays at my office are usually horribly busy for some reason. I have my fingers crossed that the rest of the afternoon will go as smoothly and I can get out of here and start the weekend.

Here are the CDs I brought to work today to get me in the weekend mood:

Pretenders - The Singles
Janet Jackson - Rhythm Nation
The Sopranos - Music from the HBO Original Series
Ricky Martin - Ricky Martin
Pink - Missundaztood

I've listend to Pink and Ricky Martin this morning and it's working!

Thursday, July 07, 2005

Blog of Funk

When I heard about the bombings in London this morning, the first thing I thought of was a friend I met when I first started this blog. Deek Deekster lives in London and writes the Blog of Funk. He's an amazingly entertaining writer.

My favorite post of his is titled Up, Down or Sideways. Up, Down or Sideways refers to the decisions we make during an evening of partying. Deek guides us as we explore the varying degrees of intoxication experienced during a night out and how to proceed so that you make it through the evening mostly intact. At various times throughout the evening you are faced with an important decision: do you imbibe more (up), less (down) or, for the moment, try to maintain (sideways)?

I've met so many delightful people from all over the country and all over the world through blogging that the world seems a little smaller to me. My first blogging friends are especially dear to me (Lorna in Canada, Astrid in the Netherlands, Deek in London, Se7en in New Orleans and Lauren in Louisiana). My newer blogging friends are over there on the sidebar and I look forward to reading them all for many years to come.

Take care of yourselves!

Wednesday, July 06, 2005

Wednesday - Sugar Baby Night

I have a new Wednesday night agenda. I meet some friends whom I have known for years at a martini bar for drinks. Although I have known them for years, it's the martini night that's new. Our new place is a bar called TEN which serves many different kinds of martinis our favorite of which is the Sugar Baby. I promised my cousin Zina I would find out what was in them and I did; but, three Sugar Babies later, I don't remember. I'll write it down next time, I promise.

Today, one of my Wednesday drinking buddies (we shall call her Party of the First Part) started the e-mail pony express to gather up the troops for the after-work excursion. I (Party of the Second Part) e-mailed immediately that I would be there. Party of The Third Part e-mailed us that he would join us but could only stay until 5:30 p.m.

Party of the First Part e-mailed me at around 4:45 p.m. to tell me that I should get downtown ASAP since Party of the Third Part could be there and possibly stay until 5:45 p.m. Being the good drinking friend that I am, I left work about five minutes early to beat the traffic and made it to TEN by 5:07 p.m. The other Parties were nowhere to be seen. I had two options. I could start drinking or walk up and down Crockett Street in the 90+ degree heat and look for them. Guess which option I chose.

So, I sat by a window overlooking downtown Beaumont and the Crockett Street parking lot with my Sugar Baby martini and Harry Connick, Jr. to serenade me. I found my bliss sitting right there in that bar. It was just me and Harry and the bartender and a 10-foot tall window until 5:30 p.m. when Party of the First Part arrived.

According to Party of the First Part, Party of the Third Part couldn't make it. Party of the First Part quickly caught up with me Sugar Baby wise and, although we only stayed until 6:30 p.m. we squoze in enough gossip to hold us until next Wednesday.

Is squoze a word?

Tuesday, July 05, 2005

The Big Move

Image hosted by

Over the holiday weekend, we moved my son and daughter-in-law to a little town about 20 miles south of Houston and about 120 miles west of Beaumont. My son's friends packed the moving van and me, mom, my sister Bonnie, my sister Terry and her husband Dan and two of their kids (Katie and Alec - Elliott had to work, lucky dog) unpacked the van (along with Cory and Jamie, of course). We did an efficient and speedy, but unblogworthy, job in 100 degree heat.

Image hosted by

Image hosted by

I consider any strenuous activity that I come away from with the ability to still move my right shoulder to be a successful venture. My family, on the other hand, were all sore and taking a variety of drugs and rubbing Aspercream all over their bodies. My calves were sore but I thank the laziness of my youth for my relatively supple joints (except for the aforementioned shoulder).

Image hosted by

While my siblings were marching in the drum and bugle corps or playing football or playing volleyball in high school, I was hanging out with my no-good hippie friends doing as little as possible. Who knew that laying around on beanbag chairs listening to Canned Heat and Black Oak Arkansas would have it's advantages all these years later? Power to the laid back people.

Image hosted by

The picture below is a box I refused to open because of the *porcelain love statue* allegedly contained within. I didn't want to know.

Image hosted by

Monday, July 04, 2005

Outer Space Porno: Deep Impact

I'll write about the big move tomorrow. For now, I have something else on my mind. Perhaps it's because I've been watching the Twilight Zone marathon all day, but I have some concerns about NASA's Deep Impact project in which a projectile was fired at the comet Tempel 1 in an effort to discover facts about the birth of the universe.

Some quotes from various articles I've read on the net:
  • Little is known about comet anatomy, so it wasn't clear exactly what would happen.That's reassuring.
  • In what scientists say is a coincidence, the spacecraft shares the same name, Deep Impact, as the 1998 movie about a comet that hurtles toward Earth.Coincidence?! I thought it was named that on purpose! Coincidence?!
  • Scientists emphasized that there was no chance that the mission's Impactor could destroy Comet Tempel 1 or put it into a hazardous orbit.Somehow that does not make me feel better. A blanket declaration of 'no chance' makes me hope that someone at NASA was knocking on wood when they made that statement.

My main fear is that we are going to create some sort of cosmic tsunami. How could this possibly not have an affect on Earth? The solar system? The entire universe?

I visualize the other citizens of the Milky Way watching us saying, "What the f**k is that Earth trash up to now? Honey, come look at this. Now those assholes are blowing up a comet. I guess they got tired of blowing up each other."

Saturday, July 02, 2005

Today's Horoscope

My horoscope for today:

You want everyone to have a good time and are willing to put out an extraordinary level of energy to accomplish this goal. This is truly a socially oriented day, so make the most of it by doing something exciting with your friends or family. Your unconventional approach now will excite others. Shine your love light and the good feelings will reflect back on you.

I shall do my best. Off we go...

Friday, July 01, 2005

Friday Night Quotes and Moving Day

This weekend, we're moving my son and daughter-in-law to Houston. That might sound like work to you but in my family, it's just another opportunity to get together and create bedlam and mayhem. Hilarity will no doubt ensue. Someone will absolutely, positively, without fail, do something so stupid, so ridiculous, so unexpected that we'll be talking about it for years.

In honor of my dys-FUN-ctional family, tonight's quotes are about laughter.
  • We cannot really love anybody with whom we never laugh.
    Agnes Repplier
  • The more you find out about the world, the more opportunities there are to laugh at it.
    Bill Nye
  • Laughter gives us distance. It allows us to step back from an event, deal with it and then move on.
    Bob Newhart
  • Total absence of humor renders life impossible.
  • Laughter is by definition healthy.
    Doris Lessing
  • The most wasted of all days is one without laughter.
    e e cummings
  • If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you're old.
    Edgar Watson Howe
  • Laugh at yourself first, before anyone else can.
    Elsa Maxwell
  • You cannot be mad at somebody who makes you laugh - it's as simple as that.
    Jay Leno
  • If we couldn't laugh, we would all go insane.
    Jimmy Buffett
  • He deserves Paradise who makes his companions laugh.
  • One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you.
    Larry Gelbart
  • Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.
    Lord Byron
  • The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter.
    Mark Twain
  • He who laughs, lasts.
    Mary Pettibone Poole
  • You don't stop laughing because you grow old. You grow old because you stop laughing.
    Michael Pritchard
  • Laughter is inner jogging.
    Norman Cousins
  • I was irrevocably betrothed to laughter, the sound of which has always seemed to me to be the most civilised music in the world.
    Peter Ustinov
  • You can't deny laughter; when it comes, it plops down in your favorite chair and stays as long as it wants.
    Stephen King "Hearts in Atlantis"
  • Laughter is the closest distance between two people.
    Victor Borge
  • Laughter is the sun that drives winter from the human face.
    Victor Hugo
  • Among those whom I like or admire, I can find no common denominator, but among those whom I love, I can: all of them make me laugh.
    W. H. Auden