This and That

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I would like people to be implanted with chips like the ones implanted in dogs and cats which identifies their owners.  I went to a funeral earlier this week and my friends and I were trying to figure out who some of the people were.  I thought how much simpler it would be if people had implants with their family tree on it that we could scan from a distance with our smart phones and know who everybody is.  What about privacy you ask?  Is anything really private anymore?  I'd rather people have my accurate information than make stuff up.

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I would also like to have all of my medical information on another implanted chip so that when I go to a new doctor I won't have to fill out all those stupid medical history forms ever again.

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When I was an AT&T customer, I was constantly bombarded with requests that I go "paperless."  I like paperless.  I always go paperless when I'm given the option.  So, of course, I went paperless.  Now that I've cut the cord with AT&T and no longer have a land line telephone, I get at least three non-paperless mailings a week from AT&T begging me to come back.  WTF, AT&T?  I'm now begging you to go paperless and leave me the hell alone.

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I was born and raised Catholic, but I do and don't do lots of things that might not get me into Catholic heaven right away:  I'm divorced, I used to use birth control, I don't go to church every week and there are all of those sex things that I won't mention because my mom and my son read my blog.  If my fellow Catholics can't eventually pray me out of purgatory and get me into Catholic heaven, I'm hoping I can get into Methodist heaven.  I know people there, too.

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This and That

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I'm going to tell you people one more time.  After you park your car in the parking lot where I park every day, do not...I repeat...do NOT...walk out of said parking lot right smack in the middle of the driveway that I'm trying to pull into so that I can park in that parking lot. 

I won't run over you today.  I might not even run over you tomorrow.  However, mark my words, one of these days I'm going to be up to my ears with dumbasses and I will run over you.  Intentionally.  With malice and aforethought.

You've been warned.

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I love the sound of a sizzle.  Water accidentally hitting a curling iron.  A coffee pot being put back on the electric burner at the office.  Checking the oil in a frying pan or an iron with a sprinkle of water to see if they're hot enough.  Bacon.

I can't explain it.

Szzzzzzzssssssssssszzzzzzzzzzzzz-zzle.

Love it.

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When Ava gets in the top of her wooden swingset, she goes to the side, leans out ever so slightly and yells, "Top of the woild!"

Every.  Single.  Time.

I love that, too.

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This and That

First of all to my cousin Sandy who keeps up with the family through my blog, everybody is doing fine.  You need to get on Facebook  If you guys are on Facebook, e-mail me so we can find each other.  Mom is on there, too.

Second, the Beaumont Walmart has been completely remodeled and looks very nice...for a Walmart.  There are also many new grocery items to choose from.  I thought I probably looked like an idiot staring up at the names above my head on the signs at the ends of the aisles and wandering from one end of the store to the other until I noticed that everybody in the store had that "Children of the Corn" look on their faces.  I wasn't the only person completely confused by the new store layout.

Third, there was a fly in my office today...on the fifth floor.  How does a fly get to the fifth floor of a building?  Did he take the stairs?  Did he ride the elevator?  Am I crazy to still be thinking about this four hours after I left work?

This and That

Candied Bacon
I've recently discovered through my blogging friend GnightGirl that there's a delightful delicacy being enjoyed by lots of people who aren't me called candied bacon. Take some thick cut bacon, sprinkle it with brown sugar (and red pepper according to one interesting online recipe) and bake. Step aside boudain balls. There's a new crazy ass snack in town.

Sleeping in my Dreams
I love sleeping in my dreams. It's like getting two nights of sleep for the price of one.

NAFA
This morning I got a call from a lady asking if I would be attending the NAFA luncheon today. I said, "I don't know what NAFA is." She laughed, apologized and said, "Then, I guess you won't be joining us?" I said, "I guess not. Out of curiosity, what is NAFA?" "It's the National Association of Financial Advisors," she said. Not exactly my cup of tea. Still, I should have asked what they were serving and if I had already paid. I'm not very sharp first thing in the morning, especially after I've been double sleeping.

Almost Hurt Myself at Safety Class...twice
Yesterday, after finishing seven hours of safety training for my new job, I almost fell down the stairs as I was leaving the building. Twice. Two separate staircases. I wonder if that would have voided my newly acquired nifty pifty safety certification.

Churros and lemonade
My newest favorite fast food beverage: Chick-fil-A lemonade
My newest favorite fast food dessert: Jack in the Box Churros

Corolla Phobia
After the most recent Toyota Corolla recall, I feel my heart beating a little faster and find myself gripping my steering wheel a bit tighter when I pass a Corolla. I feel bad for all the nice Corollas that are driving around not hurting anybody, but it only takes one renegade accelerator or jacked up power steering system or non-braking brakes to ruin a perfectly good day. Did I mention I drive a Corolla? Fear me.

This and That

• I realized when I was putting my jeans into the washer that I never use my back pockets. Seems like a waste of two perfectly good pockets.

• On A&E and most of those other "Discovery" channels, before a program is shown which pertains to psychics or ghosts or the supernatural, a disclaimer is shown stating that the views of the program are not necessarily those of A&E or Biography or any of those "Discovery" channels. Why do they feel the need to disclaim all things paranormal? It's not like the programs advocate murder or mayhem or marijuana. It's just ghosts for corn's sake.

• That being said, you should be watching Celebrity Ghost Stories on the Biography channel (disclaimer notwithstanding).

• When my sisters and I were little girls, our mom used to "let" us brush her hair. Notice I said "let" us, like she was doing us a favor by giving us the privilege of brushing her hair. Now, I "let" my grand-fabulous-daughter brush my hair. Trust me, if you ever have the opportunity to trick someone into brushing your hair, do it.

• I met some friends for dinner tonight at Cheddar's in Port Arthur and had a fabulous waitress named Christina. Christina actually works in the bar, but when she noticed we hadn't been waited on, she went out of her way to make our dining experience pleasant. Amazing waitstaff should be acknowledged and, Christina, this little paragraph is for you. So, everybody, go to Cheddar's in mid-county, ask for Christina and tip her well.

Coming soon: an updated post on the Japanese restaurant by Kroger. It's called Kyoto and I haven't been there since shortly after they opened, but had takeout from there the other night with Cory and Jamie and Ava and it was wonderful. I'll be picking up a menu (and food) again later this week and I'll post the menu here.

Thoughts On the Day

If you unknowingly drop your contact lens on the bathroom counter instead of into your contact lens case and don't notice it until about three hours later when you look at the counter and say, "What the hell is that?", if you drop the lens back into your contact lens case, it will rehydrate and you can wear it for another week. (Don't try this at home.)

I love this stuff...

If you put your Listerine Whitening Strips on backwards, trying to get the pieces of strip off your lip is like trying to get gum out of your hair and trying to spread the rest of it on your teeth is like trying to spread too little pizza dough onto too large of a pan.

Have you seen the car commercials where the incentive for you to buy their vehicle is that they will guarantee that you won't pay more than $2.99 a gallon for gas over the next three years? When did paying $2.99 a gallon for gas become an incentive?

When I was driving to work yesterday, I was stopped by Papa John's waiting for traffic to pass so I could merge. It's a weird little piece of road where you have to crane your neck to watch for traffic, so I always use my side mirror to watch for a point when I can make my move. As I was waiting, I was trying to read the reversed Papa John's marquee through the mirror. In what seemed like a warp in the space-time continuum, in which time slowed down, I read each word on the marquee while the person on the radio sang the same three words:

Song lyric: It's easy to (leave).
Papa John's marquee: It's easy to (order).

Maybe you had to be there.

Today's Coffee Pot Conclusion

If a woman wears a shirt cut so low that her breasts are practically screaming, "LOOK!! BREASTS!!", she loses the right to complain that men are staring at her boobs.

Thoughts On the Day

1. Taco Bell gave me a BEAN burrito yesterday instead of the BEEF burrito I asked for. Now, all I can think about is beef burritos.

2. These (Frutista from Taco Bell) are delicious...



3. I like to listen to my "lounge music" at Led Zeppelin/Green Day/Ramones volume. Try it. Put in some Michael Buble, Dean Martin, Josh Groban or Frank Sinatra and turn up the volume. The tendency is to listen to that type of music all nice and quiet-like. No. Crank it up. It's a totally different experience.

4. On my way home from work, there was a clap of thunder so loud, it made me jump in my car seat while I was driving. Dork.

5. Hurricane season starts Sunday. Fuck.