Overwrought Rubbish - Look Up Video by Gary Turk

I do NOT agree with the below overwrought video going around on Facebook.  It is possible to have a fabulous social life which is enhanced by social media.  I'm thankful for the connections I would not have otherwise and would not be able to maintain any other way due to distance.

My grandkids play on the iPad, play Wii, Face Time their grandparents and still play outside, play "restaurant" and learn a lot more than we ever did at their age through computers and technology.

In the olden days, we walked around with our transistor radios with earplugs and people found their inner quiet time with books and newspapers.  Reading these things online is no different.  We vegged out (and still do) in front of televisions.  People sometimes need to withdraw from the outside world for a while.  This is not the end of civilization.

People have established long lasting romantic relationships through their connections in social media and a lot of times the people who seem so absorbed in their electronic devices are communicating with parents or friends or relatives to coordinate actual face-to-face meetings.

When my sister passed away recently, there were hundreds of people at the wake and services and many of them were there through the magic of reconnecting on Facebook.  The support we received from our "Facebook Friends," has been amazing and truly heartfelt.

Everyone needs to stop feeling guilty about doing the things they enjoy.  Get over yourself, Guy Who Made This Video.  (Look Up by Gary Turk)

Separate Checks: Is it really THAT big of a deal?

I understand that asking for separate checks from a restaurant/server's standpoint is probably a pain in the ass.  However, in this day of computers, shouldn't that be an easy task?  We, as patrons, know the paying out process will take longer and we don't care, but is it really that difficult to separate checks and get the checks right?  Maybe it is.

Then, there's the issue of one person paying the whole bill (sometimes for a bunch of people he barely knows) who then has a huge debit on his credit card and a pocket full of cash from being reimbursed that he didn't really want to be carrying around the rest of the night.

Especially in a tourist town (hello, New Orleans), separate checks shouldn't be that big of a deal?  Right?  Maybe I'm a peasant and don't understand how the rich people do things, but us normal people would like to not be treated like we're asking too much of the world by requesting separate checks.

Low T - Get over it

"I have low testostrone, there I said it."

That's the opening line for one of those annoying Androgel commercials.  Men have always made jokes about women and menopause.  Now, they discover they also have hormone issues as they age and it's all "Yeah?!  So what?!  You wanna say something about it?"

They can't even call it "male menopause."  They have to give it a name in an attempt to disguise their insecurity about their lowered hormone level.

I imagine this pitch meeting by the Mad Men who came up with this marketing campaign:  "Let's not mention testosterone or, God forbid, male menopause.  How about 'Low T?'  Yeah, that's it. That's suitably evasive."

"That's when I talked to my doctor.  He gave me some blood tests.  Showed it was 'Low T.'  That's it. It was a number."

It wasn't just "a number," fella.  It was LOW testerone.  Get over yourself.

Aggravation Today...and One From Yesterday!

A woman in the parking lot at Sam's saw me waiting for her parking spot and proceeded to stand at the back of her SUV and FOLD the eight shirts she bought in Sam's (while her daughter walked her basket to the basket holding area) before pulling out of the parking space.  If you've ever parked at Sam's, you know that me leaving to find another good parking place was not an option.  Would a court have convicted me for running over her?  I don't think so.

People in Sam's would not move out of my damn way...including Sam's employees.  When I got aggravated at one point and went around a bunch of people who wouldn't move, a lady actually gave me a dirty look.  I got a dirty look because I didn't want to stand around with a bunch of morons who were dumbfounded about clearing a Sam's aisle traffic jam.  Whatever, rude lady.

After checking out at Sam's, I waited in line (6 people in front of me) to buy a Sam's hot dog (always delicious, by the way...hence my willingness to wait...$1.70 for drink and hot dog) and, when I finally got to the front of the line, I was told they were out of hot dogs.  It was lunch time and they were out of hot dogs.  Makes sense, right?

Since I couldn't get my hot dog, I drove to Kentucky Fried Chicken and was told that I get a drink with my meal.  I ordered lemonade and...guess what...they were out of lemonade.  Since I didn't want anything with caffeine due to my aggravation level being already off the charts, I would have told her to forget about giving me a drink, but I had the feeling that would have blown her mind.  So, she gave me water.

Yesterday afternoon at McDonald's, I ordered Chicken McNuggets.  They asked what sauce I wanted.  I said Sweet and Sour.  When I got to the window, the girl said,  "Sorry, we're out of Sweet and Sour.  I gave you ketchup."  She handed me my bag and returned to taking orders.  Uh.  Thanks?  How about one of the other six choices, lady?  Ketchup?

Also in the last two days, people running stop signs and not using blinkers are trying to kill me.  I'm convinced of it.

I'm not leaving my house again until I have to go to work Monday morning.  Maybe my bad mojo will be gone by then.

Magic Man?

I hate it when I've been standing waiting for an elevator and someone rushes up like they're so damn important and RE-pushes the elevator button and the damn elevator opens up like that person has some sort of magic powers. Screw you, elevator.

Tommy Jordan Video Dad is an Ass

I'm glad this idiot and his daughter made up (according to this update). Almost all of my friends and family think this guy did the right thing. I think his daughter is the way she is, because he is the way he is.

Serve him coffee? Mess up the floor she just cleaned and not apologize or, god forbid, clean it up yourself? Why is she making the bed in the guest room? Who slept there that they can't make up their own damn bed? Ground her for THREE months? He's an ass.

Teach her a lesson about the value of things by destroying a computer?

Her mistake was putting in writing the things that teenagers have said to their friends throughout eternity. I'm sure she'll turn out just fine and she'll raise her kids in the same obnoxious, domineering way that this guy raised her.

Whatever works for them, I guess. It seems to have all worked out fine...until the next outburst...from both of them.

Second New Years Resolution

Drivers who cut in front of me even though there was nobody behind me and they could have waited 1.3 seconds to pull out after I passed and who then drive 10 m.p.h. slower than me shall be dealt with swiftly and with "extreme prejudice."  Patent pending.

First New Years Resolution

I resolve to mow down anyone attempting to enter an elevator before I have successfully exited said elevator.

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Bastards!

Yesterday, a very good friend of mine (possibly named later, if it's okay with her) went to the church where she works at 4:00 p.m. in a populated area of Beaumont's west end to pop in and out and get something she needed.before running errands for her job.  

While she was inside, someone broke the back window on her car and stole her purse.  She forgot she had the church credit card and, by the time she canceled it, the bastards had charged things in Winnie, Baytown and Houston.  She saw TWO Suburbans leaving the church parking lot when she came out and they went toward the highway.

I'm thankful that the criminals chose my friend randomly and hadn't been watching her waiting for the perfect opportunity to rob her, but I'm also angry that these Houston SOBs are targeting our Beaumont mothers.  The police told my friend that these guys target mothers at day care centers (there is a school and day care at the church), because they know the moms are busy, frazzled, have their hands full and leave their purses in the car.

Saturday night, I prayed that these particular friends would make it home from the big Halloween celebration downtown unscathed.  In my weird brain, I'm picturing The Universe saying, "Okay, safe they shall be Saturday, but Monday we still need that purse."

Thank you God for keeping them safe.  Everybody else, be careful out there and lock your purse in the trunk before you leave work to pick up your kids.

Bastards, who stole the purse...

Karma.

That's all.

Just...karma.

PS: People send out goofy ass e-mails about needles in gas pump hoses and poison on the back of business cards, but nobody forwards e-mails about the real stuff.   Please tell your friends about this.  
 
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If I was a cop...

...I would spend all day searching for assholes who run stop signs.  Then, I would stop the asshole, turn off my cop-car-camera and slap the piss out of him.  Then, I would turn my cop-car-camera back on and give the asshole the largest possible ticket allowed by law.  Then, I would go to court on the day that the asshole tries to tell the judge (a) that he didn't run a stop sign and (b) that I slapped the piss out of him.  Then, I would tell the judge, "Throw the book at the fucker!"

Then, I'd probably have to get another job, but it would be so worth it.


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I am a Cyber Bitch

Last week I was involved in an event which required coordinating people from Austin, Lake Charles, Hawaii and points local to meet at a specific location at a specific time. 

This morning, through a brief e-mail exchange, two of my chick friends and I were able to take the first steps in fulfilling our destiny to stalk...I mean...to meet...Adam Levine in September at The Woodlands.

Do you have any idea how complicated it would have been to accomplish these tasks without e-mail?  Without Facebook?  I'm sure that you do. 

I have a friend who is not on Facebook, who does not "do texting" and who constantly informs me, "I never read my e-mail."  It gets on my last nerve any time I have to contact that woman for anything.  Did you hear/read what I just said/wrote?  It annoys me to have to pick up a teeny tiny cell phone, punch a few numbers and say actual words in my actual voice to a dear friend.

I'm such a cyber bitch.


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Bitch Moment of the Day: "Who cares?"

My Bitch Moment of the Day is directed toward the geniuses who go into online message boards, news article comment strings and Facebook conversation posts that pertain to such things as American Idol, Charlie Sheen and Royal Weddings to post the brilliant and insightful observation of:  "Who cares?" 

Guess what, asshole.  We don't care that you don't care. You think we don't have a life?  I would say you are the one whose life we should be questioning if you have nothing better to do than cruise the internet for posts and articles about things you allegedly don't care about and then globbing up the comment string with your two words of brilliance.

You want to share your disgust about Charlie Sheen or your boredom with the royal family? Knock yourself out.  Posting the idiotic and arrogant "who cares" is just plain lazy, not to mention unoriginal. 

And, it pisses me off. 

Not that you care.


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Laurie Fixes the Mortgage Mess. You're Welcome.

On my way to work, I listen to Market Place Morning Report on NPR. It’s not as boring as it sounds. At least once a week, Steve Chiotakis has a story about the mortgage mess. If he would call me, I would tell him what happened and how to fix it.


What happened?

The housing mess was not created by people who bought homes they could afford and ended up in foreclosure due to health problems or job losses. It was caused by people who bought houses they couldn’t afford and by the banks that encouraged such idiotic behavior.

What else happened?

Lots of the same idiots who were buying houses they couldn’t afford purchased them with adjustable rate mortgages. How could anybody (other than the banks) possibly think this was a good idea? Who would buy something with the caveat, “Oh, by the way, that mortgage payment you already can’t afford? It might go up by several hundred dollars at some point.”

Whose fault was it?

The housing mess was caused by the people who bought houses they couldn’t afford. Period. Yes, the banks were making and selling bad loans left and right, but those loans were signed for by the above-mentioned idiots.  Yes, realtors showed prospective clients properties they knew the clients couldn’t afford. However, just because they make a pair of pants in your size doesn’t mean you should wear them. The same goes for buying a house. Just because the realtor and bank says the house fits your ass, doesn’t mean you should buy it.

Okay, genius, how do we fix it?

1. Builders must start building moderately priced new housing that normal working people can afford. Every house does not need granite countertops and marble floors.

2. There is a desperate need for decent rental properties in nice areas at reasonable rates. A lot of people jump into a mortgage they can’t afford, because they are appalled that they must pay a bigger monthly rental payment for a two bedroom, one bath apartment than for a monthly house note. How can a person save money for a down payment if they’re spending all of their money on rent?

3. Realtors must stop showing people properties they know the people can’t afford.

4. Banks must stop giving loans to people who they know can’t afford them.

5. Banks should require those humongous down payments people hate. If you can’t save enough money for a decent down payment, you aren’t ready to own a house.

6. People must stop being idiots. Renting until you can afford to buy a house within your budget might be a huge pain in the ass, but I’m guessing being kicked out of your home is a much bigger pain in the ass.

Why?

Dear Universe:  Why can't I get a red light when I need to open the sauce for my Chicken McNuggets, but if I'm in a hurry I get every red light between me and where I'm going...especially if I'm in a hurry?  Why?!  I need my sauce!  Sincerely, Laurie's Brain

Laurie's Traffic Tip For the Day

(Click to enlarge.)

Ain't that just grand?

Ain't this just the icing on the shit-cake that was 2009?

Rumors are swirling that Simon Cowell will leave American Idol after this season. Paula is already gone. I don't like change, but it keeps being thrust upon me. Bastards.

Susan Sarandon and Tim Robbins are splitting up after 23 years. I hate, hate, hate hearing things like that. Hate it.

I hate this f*cking commercial...and I've seen it at least 25 times tonight.

Dodge Ram commercial: "I am full..." Seriously. WTF?

Dad Update and More Fast Food Baloney

Dad Update
Dad's feeling very tired. His doctors say it's to be expected at this point in his chemo. His blood levels keep going up and down. None of them are horribly off, but they aren't stable enough for him to go home. Today, he started running a low grade fever, has had some mental confusion due to an Ativan injection he was given to help him sleep and his cough has returned. Here's hoping tomorrow gives us good news all around. He's scheduled for another abdominal scan then.

That's Not What I Ordered
Yesterday I pulled into Jack in the Box and ordered grilled checken tenders and a Tropical Smoothie.

When I got to the window, I noticed a pink NON-tropical smoothie on the ledge. The cashier picked up the pink smoothie, walked to one of the other workers and asked her a question. She came back to the window and handed the very pink to me through the window.

I just looked at it.

She looked at me and honest-to-god said, "It's strawberry."

I said, "I didn't order strawberry."

She said, "We don't have tropical smoothies."

I just stared at her.

She said, "I meant to tell you."

I continued to stare.

She said, I swear to you, she said, "It's strawberry. It's my favorite."

Would somebody please tell me what the f*ck that has to do with not only not telling me that there are no tropical smoothies, but handing me something I didn't even order.

Rather than asking for a refund and ordering a different drink (I was in a hurry), I gave the girl a dirty look, took the strawberry smoothie and drove away.

I hate it when people make me act like a b*tch.

In Laurie's Brain

Why...
do I jump and bitch and moan every time a bulb sputters out when I flick a light switch. I act like it's never happened to me before and that I expect a light bulb to last forever and never go out. I take it quite personally.

Why...
can't I remember to check the pockets of my pants for old Kleenex before I throw them in the wash? I've had a runny nose since 1963 and I've been doing laundry for 40 years. No matter. I still rant like a lunatic when I open the washer and see bits of tissue all over my clean clothes.

To the girl who waited on me at Rao's...

• It's not my fault you're understaffed.
• It's not my fault you're having a bad day.
• It's not my fault one of your cash registers is broken.
• It's not my fault you didn't ask me if I was buying individual sandwiches or two lunch specials BEFORE you started ringing up my order.

I'm just sayin'.