Not Guilty

This morning, I used the very last drop of my Gucci Guilty free sample.  Santa, if you've got an extra $70 could you hook me up?

Dad Update and a Weird Beatles-ish blog post

Dad Update
Dad is still in the hospital in Houston. He ran a temperature of 101 this afternoon which I say is a good thing, because his temperature was normal all morning and we don't want him coming home until they figure out what is causing the fever. Dad agrees. The doctors agree. We all agree. Mom said the room he is in this time has a more comfortable "bed" for her and an HD television. I guess after you spend so much time there, you get a room upgrade. (That's not true...the upgrade part...by the way. That's just "in Laurie's brain.")

The Weird Beatles-ish Blog Post
A few months back, I did a blog post about the fact that I cashed in all the coins I had been saving and ended up with $184.31. By putting all that money on an Amazon.com gift card at the CoinStar machine, I avoided any fees which are usually about 8 percent.

So, tonight I finally went Amazon shopping and Happy Birthday to Me shopping. I put some things in my cart and wasn't really paying attention to the cost and was going to delete whatever was over the $184-ish amount.

I put this in the cart because I heard it on NPR the other night and thought it was cool...



I put this in my cart because I know I'll never spend $100 on something so frivolous unless it's for my birthday or from "free money" like coins that had been sitting in my closet for five years...and it was on sale...
I put this in my cart because I...MUST...OWN...IT...



The Weird Part
I've done previous posts about my weird connection with Beatles things. (Click here and here.) Several years ago, Cory and Jamie bought me a book about The Beatles that I've never gotten around to reading. Two days ago, I picked up the book to start reading it. One day ago, VH1 Classics had a Beatles Day in conjunction with the 40th anniversary of taking of the picture for the Abbey Road album cover.

Tonight I set out to spend $184.31.

Want to know what my completely random total was for the three items in my cart?

$183.47.

Pretty darn close.

Weird.

Dad Update and a Regular Old Blog Post

Dad Update
Dad's home (since Thursday) and getting a little stronger every day. The home health nurse showed up yesterday and turned out to be a very good TJ Alumni friend. We were all in our Sunday "best" (glasses, hair pulled back, little or no makeup), so we didn't recognize each other until I read her name tag and told her who we (me, Terry, Bonnie) were. She did a wonderful job. Thanks, Robyn. It was great seeing a friendly, familiar face. (That's not to say that every doctor and nurse at the hospitals and working for the home health services haven't been wonderful, because they have.)

Regular Old Blog Post
When I was a little girl, the first thing I would do when I went to grandma's house (after the hugs and kisses, of course) was look for her newest Lillian Vernon or Harriet Carter or Miles Kimball catalog.

I would look at those books for hours. I'm still not sure why. It wasn't because I wanted any of that stuff. I guess I was just amazed by the amount and variety of stuff there was out there in the world. To this day, I still look at those catalogues. I don't think I've ever actually bought anything, but I love looking at them.

Of course, now a person can order from these places online. Maybe I'll do a little shopping. I really want one of those windshield cleaning thingys.

Really? At CVS?

I popped into CVS this afternoon to buy some eyeliner and bread and look what I found for $49.99...

Lent is o-v-e-r, OVER

For Lent, I gave up margaritas, eating out for lunch and shopping.

Today I went to Amazon.com and bought:






Then, I e-mailed my friend Judy and made lunch plans for Wednesday.

Then, I went to Best Buy at lunch today and bought:





Then, I met Jack and Poodles and Nanny Ron for margaritas after work and made more plans for lunch Tuesday.

Ah, tequila. Nectar of the gods.

I don't usually floss there

Sometimes inspiration for a new purchase comes from an unexpected source. This morning as I was walking the dog, he stopped to take his regular morning poop. Instead of finishing, however, he started to do the butt-scoot-boogie across the grass. Upon further inspection, I realized the mint flavored dental floss he had evidently eaten out of my bathroom waste basket wasn’t going to come out on its own.



As I was pulling the crap encrusted dental floss out of Oakley’s ass, I thought, “You know what you need, Laurie? A covered waste basket for the bathroom.”

My latest purchase. Money well spent.

Let's Save Some Money

You know how when you're checking out your merchandise and the cashier asks you, "Do you have a [fill in the blank] card?" your first reaction is, "Just check out my groceries and let me get the hell out of here."?

Next time they ask you that question at a Hallmark store, CVS or Kroger, think twice before saying no. You can actually save money with these cards.

I occasionally get coupons in the mail from Hallmark for anywhere from $5 to $10 off my next purchase as well as all kinds of other special offers. If you have a CVS card, be sure to watch your receipts. Your "Extra Care Dollars" are at the bottom of your receipt and you will sometimes get them through e-mail. With your Kroger card, you not only save money on groceries, you can also save money on gas.

These are the only three cards I use regularly. If you have others you like, let us know in the comments.

Sock Monkey...Anyone?...Anyone?

Are you looking for a top-quality, hand-made sock monkey for that perfect gift for that perfect sock monkey loving person? Then, you should buy one (or four) from my blogger friend Leslie (in the interest of family harmony, here's a link to her husband Grimm's blog, too) and her three generation team of sock monkey makers. Click here for the sock monkey store.*

Here's a short documentary on the sock monkey making process. I'm completing my Academy Award ballot as we speak.




* Don't buy me a sock monkey. They freak me out.

Stuff I Need

Pollenex Waterfall Showerhead



NYKNYC Weighted Walk Vest



Stud Finder *



* I didn't even know they made such a thing as a stud finder! This is going to come in really handy when I meet my friends out at Crockett Street Saturday night. I wonder if I can specify height, hair color, etc. Huh? What? Not that kind of stud?

Never mind.

Inventors are cool

Many years ago, a friend of mine came to my apartment and told me how easy it would be for someone to break in and violate me and steal everything I owned. He told me this because he had an idea for an amazing door security system. He explained the whole thing to me through a very thick tequila fog and, as I recall, it didn't make much sense but sounded really...secure.

Flash forward about ten years and I'll be damned if he didn't go get the whole thing engineered and patented and put on the market. On top of sounding like it could keep grizzly bears out of your house, the thing is even good looking.

Click here for the website to purchase your very own Katy Bar.

Laurie helps you spend a little bit of your tax rebate money

Nilla Wafers Cakesters
These are so delicious that I ate one pack then brought the rest to work so I wouldn't have them in my house.

Pasta from Pizza Hut
Absolutely delicious, comes with five breadsticks and reasonably priced.



Ceramic/Lawn Ornaments, Fountains and Statues
This one is only for people here in southeast Texas. There is a ceramic seller beside the Target store. There aren't any signs so you have to look for the driveway between the oil change place and the Target parking lot. After you turn into the lot, you'll see acres and acres of beautiful stone, mosaic, ceramic lawn accessories at unbelieveably reasonable prices. I paid $40 for the large ceramic vase in the left hand corner of the picture below.

My lovely patio
This won't save you money, but it will make you totally envious of my little patio/courtyard.

When will I get my 2008 tax rebate check?

UPDATE!!!: The checks start going out this Monday, four days early. Thanks, US of A! My first purchase, a new fangled stainless steel, step-on-to-open kitchen trash can. Hell, yeah.

Rebate check direct deposit or mailings will be made according to the last two digits of your Social Security numbers as follows:

Direct Deposit:
Depending on the last two numbers of your Social Security Number, your rebate should be deposited by:
00-20: May 2
21-75: May 9
76-99: May 16

By Mail:
Depending on the last two numbers of your Social Security Number, your rebate check should be mailed by:
00-09: May 16
10-18: May 23
19-25: May 30
26-38: June 6
39-51: June 13
52-63: June 20
64-75: June 27
76-87: July 4
88-99: July 11

The Universe Wants Me to Have These Shoes

• Yesterday, I found a $20 gift card to Macy's in my wallet that someone had given me for Christmas which I totally forgot I had. Yesterday. Keep that in mind.


• I opened a junk e-mail today (I NEVER open junk e-mail) offering me a "free" pair of Fit Flops.


• I was intrigued, but at $49.95 probably wasn't going to buy a pair.


• I searched for a retailer near me and, guess what. The only retailer in my area that sells the shoes is Macy's.


• I'll let you know how my ass looks in about 6 weeks.

It's Not My Fault

I was supposed to be in New Orleans this weekend, but due to circumstances beyond my control, I was unable to leave Beaumont. When I'm feeling sorry for myself, I do one or both of the following: (1) buy stuff; (2) organize stuff.

This weekend, I did both. I reorganized all of my kitchen cabinets (partly because I found where that fucking mouse had set up house, so I threw everything in that cabinet out...Tupperware, Rubbermaid, canned goods, dish towels...everything) and I spent an exorbitant amount of money on cookware, gadgets, utensils, knives, organizer shelves, dish towels, serving platters and canisters.

It's not like I even cook. It's not that I'm a bad cook, it's just that I don't cook. I blame Alton Brown. He makes it all look so damn fun. I have an uncontrollable desire to fry some chicken.

Do you need a basket?

Yesterday, a co-worker asked if I had a Sam's card. "Why, of course," says I.

"In fact," I said, "I'm running low on bubble gum, so I'll stop by tonight."

I supply bubble gum to everybody at the firm. It makes you smarter. Google it.

When I got to Sam's, I thought, "I don't need a basket. I'm only getting two things."

We all know where this is going.

When I got to the very back of the store, with my arms full of crap, I realized I had no more arms to carry the one thing I had actually gone to Sam's to buy. So, I marched myself all the way back to the front of the store, with every intent of stealing someone's empty basket while they weren't looking. I finally found an unattended basket in office supplies, unloaded my aching arms and headed back to the rear of the store for my friend's item.

Moral of the story: Never say "no" to the basket lady at Sam's.

My "must have" purchases:

• 1 big ass roasted chicken
• 1 Turbo Tax software
• 1 100 ml bottle of Olay Regenerist
• 48 Nutri-Grain bars
• 360 pieces of Dubble Bubble bubble gum
• 500 5 oz bathroom cups
• 120 Glad tall kitchen garbage bags

I bought 1,031 things. No wonder I needed a basket.

Bless me father for I have...sinned?

I have a confession or two to make regarding my Lenten giving-things-up plan. I haven't done as well this year as I did last year. However, last year I gave up one thing and didn't cheat. This year I gave up three things and cheated twice. That's not so bad, is it?

I gave up drinking; but On St. Patrick's Day, I drank ONE Long Island Tea. Hey, if you're going to bust a promise to God, you might as well go big, right? It didn't get me drunk, so I'm not really sure it counts. Actually, I didn't even get a buzz. I also gave up shopping, but I bought this over the weekend along with $50 worth of karaoke CDs.

I still have two weeks of Lent to go and I'm going to muddle through. Here's my shopping list for the first opportunity I have to do some shopping right after I get back from a week at the beach which will, no doubt, include about six weeks worth of alcohol. Hmmm, that's about the length of Lent, isn't it? I guess I didn't buy much Heaven time with this little show of devotion after all.

• Elliott Yamin's new CD
• more karaoke CDs
• Perfume: Escape, Euphoria
• sandals
• summer clothes
• weights
• shredder
• DVD-R/VHS for my DVR machine
• one of those cool car battery jumpers you plug into your cigarette lighter
• fireproof box (I FINALLY GOT MY PASSPORT!!)
• electric drill/screwdriver (I have some remodeling to do)
• electric toothbrush (mine bit the dust...BIT the dust...get it?)
• charger for my new cell phone (my son gave it to me...I didn't buy it)
• leather case for my new phone
• big ass trip to SAM'S!
• browse my Amazon.com shopping cart and buy more stuff

Come on Easter!

It's Baaaaack!

I can't help myself. I love American Idol. On that note, I need help in picking a karaoke machine. As you can tell from my top two choices below, I'm looking for portability. I especially like the orange one because it's a television, boom box and karaoke machine all in one.

The problem is, the more I look, the more confused I become. I can't decide how much I want to spend and and I keep going higher and higher, cost-wise, telling myself, "...for just $20 more..." until I'm in the $200 range at which point I call myself an idiot and walk away from the computer.

Help!



More info on the one above here.




More info on this one here.

We Interrupt this Self-Indulgent Blog...

...for even more self-indulgence.

Stuff I bought at Border's while in Houston:

Princess Bride DVD

Michael Buble (Michael Buble)

Heart Shaped World (Chris Isaak)

Nimrod (Green Day)

The Very Best of Meat Loaf (Meat Loaf)

(Be thankful I'm not boring you with my Bed, Bath and Beyond purchases.)

Change of Plans

Some of my friends just took me to Franki's for a belated birthday dinner and after a couple of glasses of Bellagio Chianti and a mouthwatering Ribeye Marsala, I have decided to skip the Metallica tribute band with apologies to Michael and Bobby and Tara and Davie and anyone else I told that I would be there. (I don't think some of them know about this blog but the apology stands.)

Instead I am washing my face, putting on my P.J.'s, opening a bottle of Bulgarian wine Radi gave me for my birthday and catching up the blogs on my sidebar that I have been sorely neglecting. I've never blogged on wine and steroids before, you may (or may not) be in for a treat. Probably, not.

On another note, I just opened my mail and MasterCard is worried about me because I haven't been using my credit card. Isn't that just the sweetest thing? Glad to know someone out there is watching out for me even if it's just an impersonal mega-corporation who wants some of my meager earnings. I promise to do better next month, Auntie MasterCard.

Kiss This

I met some girls I used to work with after work today at Chula Vista for cheap margaritas and Mexican food (mostly for the margaritas). One of the girls was telling us about a product she bought called Lip Injection. It's like a lip gloss but it plumps your lips.

A couple of the girls tried it and I swear it looked like it worked. So, of course, I'll be making an online purchase myself shortly.




However, the owner of the Lip Injection warned us that we should be careful not to get it on our tongues. She said she put some on and licked her lips while she was driving and her tongue started to tingle. She was afraid her whole tongue would swell so, as she was driving, she put her mouth in front of the air conditioner vent to cool things off. Can you imagine pulling up beside some chick who's trying to drive with her mouth sucking in air conditioner fumes? And you thought cell phones were bad.

Since we had consumed several margaritas at this point, the conversation went from plump lips to burning tongues to oral sex. Margaritas will do that. Two of the girls were going home to their husbands and if there is a follow-up recommendation for uses other than lip plumping, you'll be the first to know.