Couch to 5k - Yacht Rock Version

My toes have been unbruised for a while and fall is in the air (it was only 91 degrees yesterday), so I think I'll try this Couch to 5k thing again.

I've changed my music selection from upbeat and manic to "yacht rock" which is a surprisingly good choice for me.  I thought wild-dance-rock-pop music would inspire me to keep moving, but after jogging to "yacht rock," I find I'm much more suited to a leisurely jog than a rockin' jog.  Plus, the tunes make me feel like I'm in a romantic comedy and Tom Hanks or Billy Crystal will be around the next corner waiting to fall in love with me in a romantically comedic sort of way.

Footnote:  On my jogging route back to my house there was an abandoned athletic shoe insole lying in the street.  I imagined some poor bastard running along in pain, stopping, pulling off his shoe, yelling "Gotdammit!" and throwing the offending insole to the ground.  I predict an angry insole throwing in my future as karma for being amused at the plight of the unidentified insole abusing runner.

Pre-Natal and Post-Natal Exercise Program...In Beaumont!

   (Photos by Beaumont Enterprise) 

My brilliant daughter-in-law is teaching pre-natal and post-natal exercise classes for pregnant women and babies up to 6 months old at the Christus St. Elizabeth Health and Wellness Center.  

Click here for a video. 

Free for members, $5 for non-members

Tuesday and Thursday

12:15 p.m. - 1:00 p.m.

Christus Health and Wellness Center

3030 North Street

Beaumont, TX  77702

For more information:

Call: 409-899-777

E-mail: jacquelynn.conger@christushealth.org

(Pictures by Beaumont Enterprise)

Things to Avoid if You're Worried About Swine Flu

Wii Fit...Finally

I finally hooked up my Wii Fit.

It tells me I am unbalanced.

It tells me I am overweight.

It tells me my fitness level is that of a 66 year old.

It does not lie.

Cholesterol? I don't need no stinkin' cholesterol!

I went to the doctor today for my quarterly cholesterol checkup and I'm finally motivated to change my evil ways and lower my cholesteral through diet and exercise. What were the motivating factors you ask? Were your numbers frighteningly high? Is your liver enzyme count out of whack?

No. My motivation was spending three hours in the doctors office for five minutes of blood work and ten minutes of doctor time and two hours and forty-five minutes of old magazines and small talk with a "Landman" from Winnie all while being starved from fasting and needing to pee but too afraid I'd miss my turn in the lab if I went to the bathroom.

I won't even talk about the money. Oh, the money. The horror. I should demand they deduct my lost wages for sitting around inhaling germ filled doctor office fumes from the cost of my appointment.

From now on it's running, oatmeal and vegetables. You win, you evil, clever doctor office. You win.

Direct to consumer marketing, oh, how I hate you

I've been home sick for two days. After watching everything in my DVR and all of my NetFlix movies (between naps), I was forced to watch daytime television. I'm not a television snob and, if I didn't have to work all day, I'd surely be addicted to at least three soap operas and The Price is Right.

My problem with daytime television and, more and more, the evening news, is the astonishing amount of direct to consumer advertising done my pharmaceutical companies. I can't prescribe drugs, most of the people I know can't prescribe drugs and I certainly hope that the people who can prescribe drugs aren't doing it based on an ad they saw on television, read in a magazine or heard on the radio.

The thing that disturbs me the most about pharmaceutical ads isn't the long list of worrisome side effects. I actually kind of enjoy those. The most disturbing thing for me and for everyone should be the amount of money spent on those ads which could be spent on research and development and, more importantly, lowering prices to consumers. Here are some stats:

• the United States and New Zealand are the only two countries in the world that allow direct to consumer pharmaceutical advertising; and
• it is estimated that the pharmaceutical companies pay $4 billion annually on direct to consumer marketing. That's billion...with a b.

Click here to send a letter to your congressman and click here to read a better written article by someone who isn't on meds and falling asleep every fifteen minutes.

Contribute to Blayne's Relay for Life Team

Last year, my friend Jennifer and her family had to deal with the unthinkable: their son and brother Blayne was diagnosed with cancer. Blayne is 4 years old and was diagnosed with Rhabdomyosarcoma on June 21, 2007. Blayne then underwent 6 months of chemotherapy and is currently cancer free.

His mom has organized a Relay for Life team to raise money for cancer research, supplies and support for cancer patients. To donate to our team, Blayne's World, and read about Relay for Life, you can click on the title or click here.

Here are some pictures of Blayne and, yes, he is as delightful, mischievous and fun as he appears in these pics.

Click here to donate to Blayne's Relay for Life team,

Blayne's World

Jack is my Hero

I was leaving Sam's last night and decided to stop at Jack in the Box on my way home. All the way there, I tried to decide what would be the healthiest thing to order. I had to be prepared, because the last time I drove through Jack in the Box, I panicked under the pressure of a car pulling into the drive-thru behind me and ordered the Ultimate Cheeseburger.

I pulled up to the menu board and what to my wondering eyes did appear but a fabulous picture of GRILLED CHICKEN STRIPS with teriyaki dipping sauce. I ordered the chicken strips, the Jack in the Box guy asked if I wanted the teriyaki dipping sauce (isn't that the whole point?), I said "yes" and ordered a chicken fajita pita, too, just in case.

The strips were delicious as was the pita for a grand total of about 550 calories and practically fat free. Not too shabby for fast food.

You know me better than that

Friend: Join this "Power Yoga" class with me!
Laurie: I'm not joining anything that has the word "power" in it.

Why?

I don't watch sports on television much. I think sporting events make nice background noises for a good nap, especially golf and baseball, but that's about it. Recently, I've been in the vicinity of televisions which had football games playing on them with no couches available for my napping pleasure.

I don't care how good or bad the game is, I come away with one thought that I can't get out of my head for days:

What is preventing every quarterback, from high school to the NFL, from contracting a bad case of hoof and mouth disease? Stop licking your fingers! It's disgusting! Your mothers must be having little tiny heart attacks every time they see you stick your fingers in your mouths. Stop it. If not for me, do it for mom.

In Laurie's Brain: A Gyno Visit...in a Pear Tree

Sing this to the tune of "The Twelve Days of Christmas." Seriously, sing it out loud. Your co-workers won't mind. Truly they won't.

At the fifth door, the twelfth floor
my gyno said to me
Hop on this table right here.

At the fifth door, the twelfth floor
My gyno said to me
Put on this gown
And hop on this table right here.

At the fifth door, the twelfth floor
My gyno said to me
Please disrobe,
Put on this gown
And hop on this table right here.

At the fifth door, the twelfth floor
My gyno said to me
Let’s see those boobs.
Please disrobe,
Put on this gown
And hop on this table right here.

At the fifth door, the twelfth floor
My gyno said to me
Any S – T – D- s?
Let’s see those boobs.
Please disrobe,
Put on this gown
And hop on this table right here.

At the fifth door, the twelfth floor
My gyno said to me
How is your sex life?
Any S – T – D- s?
Let’s see those boobs.
Please disrobe,
Put on this gown
And hop on this table right here.

At the fifth door, the twelfth floor
My gyno said to me
Are you having mood swings?
How is your sex life?
Any S – T – D- s?
Let’s see those boobs.
Please disrobe,
Put on this gown
And hop on this table right here.

At the fifth door, the twelfth floor
My gyno said to me
How much do you weigh?
Are you having mood swings?
How is your sex life?
Any S – T – D- s?
Let’s see those boobs.
Please disrobe
Put on this gown
And hop on this table right here.

At the fifth door, the twelfth floor
My gyno said to me
You need a bone scan.
How much do you weigh?
Are you having mood swings?
How is your sex life?
Any S – T – D- s?
Let’s see those boobs.
Please disrobe,
Put on this gown
And hop on this table right here.

At the fifth door, the twelfth floor
My gyno said to me
I see vaginas.
You need a bone scan.
How much do you weigh?
Are you having mood swings?
How is your sex life?
Any S – T – D- s?
Let’s see those boobs.
Please disrobe,
Put on this gown
And hop on this table right here.

At the fifth door, the twelfth floor
My gyno said to me
I play golf with your new boss.
I see vaginas.
You need a bone scan.
How much do you weigh?
Are you having mood swings?
How is your sex life?
Any S – T – D- s?
Let’s see those boobs.
Please disrobe,
Put on this gown
And hop on this table right here.

At the fifth door, the twelfth floor
My gyno said to me
Please sign this waiver.
I play golf with your new boss.
I see vaginas.
You need a bone scan.
How much do you weigh?
Are you having mood swings?
How is your sex life?
Any S – T – D- s?
Let’s see those boobs.
Please disrobe,
Put on this gown
And hop on this table right here.

Finally, the REAL reason we aren't losing weight

I found this article (click here) through a comment Crinklequirk left on the Craving Chocolate, World Peace blog. Turns out certain fat burning enzymes shut down when we sit down and exercise alone isn't enough to keep the pounds off.

I'd hate to think how much I'd weigh if I there wasn't always something calling me from another room: laundry, snacks, an unfinished list, something to Google or Wikipedia or IMDB upstairs, things to blog....

So, stand up, people and take a little trip around the room. Evidently, every little bit helps.

Sometimes my body wants what it wants

Since I joined the fitness center, a piece of pecan pie or a second helping of moo shu pork looks different to me. Instead of looking like a little bit of heaven on a plate, they now look like dollar signs circling the drain undoing all the good of at least three workout sessions.

So, when I pulled into Jack in the Box last night, I had every intention of ordering a grilled chicken salad or a grilled chicken pita. However, someone pulled up behind me and, paralyzed by indecision, I panicked and blurted out, "Ultimate Cheeseburger."

"Please drive through."

"Crap."

Evidently, my brain and my body had decided long before I entered the drive-thru that it was going to eat a cheeseburger. On my way to Houston a couple of weeks ago, my body forced me to stop and buy a Twinkie in Seabrook. I usually go for the Zingers when I'm in a snack cake sort of mood but, for some reason, my left thigh told my brain it just had to have a Twinkie. Best damn Twinkie I ever ate.

Ultimate Cheeseburger
Jumbo Bun
Mayo-Onion Sauce
Ketchup
Two slices American Cheese
Two slices Swiss-Style Cheese
Mustard
Two Jumbo Hamburger Patties

Calories
1010
Calories from Fat
639
Total Fat
71.0 g
Saturated Fat
28.0 g
Cholesterol
125 mg
Sodium
1580 mg
Total Carbohydrates
53.0 g
Dietary Fiber
2.0 g
Sugars
12.0 g
Protein
40.0 g

I Rock. I Ran.

Gravity is not my friend. When presented with the opportunity and the perfect set of imperfect circumstances, my body will fall down and usually break something.

When I was three years old, I broke my leg.

In 3rd grade, I cracked a kneecap.

In 4th grade I cracked a bone in my wrist.

I've had at least three sprained ankles (maybe more).

In 1997, I broke my foot (but that didn't stop me from going to New Orleans).


Being so prone to breakage, I haven’t run anywhere of my own accord since high school gym class. By the way, running in airports, chasing freedom seeking dogs and herding rampant children does not count as “of my own accord."

As you may recall from a couple of posts back, I have joined a fitness center. You will all be happy and surprised to learn that I have successfully completed three workouts (which included moves on the dreaded step apparatus between use of circuit machines) without injury.

As impressive as that may be for a person of my limited coordination and frequent inability to remain in the upright position, the thing I am most impressed with is my performance on the treadmill. My fear of all things mechanical, in general, and exercise related mechanical, in particular, has kept me from ever attempting to use a treadmill. I have always been certain that if I ever stepped on one, I would immediately do a George Jetson off the back of the thing and crash into the nearest wall and/or person.

Tuesday night, however, I had the gym mostly to myself and I went for it. I started slow, then I got brave. I walked. I walked fast. I walked faster. I inclined that sucker and walked even faster. Then, wait for it, I ran. I ran and ran and ran. I ran like the wind! Well, it was more like a brief gust of a gentle summer breeze, but my point is I ran and it felt good.

Look out big scary looking elliptical machine. You're next.

Girlfriends Fitness Center

I made a decision on which gym to join. Actually, it isn't a gym at all but a women's only "fitness center." I met with the owner, Shannon, yesterday and really liked her. The center is brand new and isn't even smelly, yet.

The fitness center appears to be similar in concept to Curves wherein you move around a circuit of machines and do some sort of aerobic activity between each machine session. Shannon told me that, if a person goes "all out," it's possible to burn around 700 calories in one 35 minute session. Since, I'm not an "all out" kind of girl, that probably won't happen to me. I'll probably go about "half out."

At Girlfriends Fitness Center, the aerobic activity includes the availability of steps of varying heights on which I will surely injure myself. (Release of indemnity forms were signed in duplicate.) This place also has an elliptical machine, treadmill and something else I didn't recognize, on which I will also, surely, injure myself.

The main reason I chose this place was for the location and the cost. It's so close to my house, I could walk there. I won't. But, I could. If I wanted to, that is. A full year membership required a $30 sign-up fee and $30 a month but it includes a year of free tans. Now, that's a deal.

Another big plus is that members have 24-hour access to the facilities so I never have to wonder what the gym hours are or have to hurry there after work. From what I hear, Curves has limited hours and isn't open on Sundays at all.

Now, I don't want all you local readers joining my club and hogging my machines, but I'll give you the information anyway, because I'm just that kind of full service blogger.

Girlfriends
5925 Phelan Boulevard
- same shopping center as Bella Bella, Bella Maman and Miller's Discount Liquor
Suite 1-2
Beaumont, TX 77702
409-860-4166

Accepting memberships during the following times:

Monday, Wednesday and Friday
11:00 a.m. - 7:00 p.m.

Tuesday, Thursday
9:00 a.m. - 2:00 p.m.

Saturday
10:00 a.m. - 2:00 p.m.

I'm a redneck

I have a rash on my neck that's driving me nuts. That's it up there. Last night I went to the medicine cabinet and found I had no Benadryl cream and my Benadryl tablets had expired. In itchy desperation I rummaged through all my bathroom drawers and cabinets until I found something specifically made for itching: Vagisil anti-itch cream.

So, between the Vagisil on my neck and the Preparation H under my eyes, I guess you wouldn't be wrong to call me ass face. It wouldn't be very nice, but it definitely wouldn't be wrong.

Massage, Thy Name is Ouchy

Every year for Administrative-Professionals-We're-Intellectually-Superior-To-Our-Bosses Day, our office invites in a few masseuses to masseuse us. We get the 20-minute chair variety and, as anyone who sits at a computer all day and half the night knows, a 20-minute chair massage is divine.

This year, APWISTOB Day was on the Wednesday of the week I got back from vacation. I told my appointed masseuse that I was desperately in need of my 20 minutes because my back had been killing me since I got back from vacation.

"When did you get back from vacation," she asked.

"Monday," I said.

As she worked on the knots in my shoulders she suddenly blurted, "You did this to yourself in two days?!"

Since that day, I vowed to get a professional one hour massage at least once a month. Five months later, I actually made good on my vow. I'm not very good with vowing, especially when I'm vowing to myself and it involves spending money.

Tonight was my second monthly massage or as I like to call it, "What The Hell Is She Doing Back There Day." "We" decided that I needed some work on my sinuses and some deep tissue...scratch that...A LOT of deep tissue work on my left shoulder.

Boys and girls, let me tell you, that woman bent me into positions I haven't been in since Spring Break 1976. At one point, I swear to you, I was as flat as the Coyote whenever he gets run over by that steamroller thingy.

After she finished the front-end alignment of my shoulders, she eventually made her way to my sinuses. Sinus work by a masseuse is not for the weak hearted. She somehow managed to invade my sinus cavities by going through my jawbone.

As I sit here, hunched over this keyboard rekinking my shoulders and restuffing my sinuses with the dust on this computer desk, I ask myself, "Was it worth it?" I think it must have been. Surely, something so painful has to be good for you, right?

I do feel more bendy, my head does feel a couple of pounds lighter and some of my cellulite had to have been squashed into oblivion in the whole pummeling process. Hell, that's worth a couple bucks, right there.

Sunday's Walk

By the way, the Victorian above is for sale ($749,000). Click here for details.

The Great Walk Challenge Takes a Dramatic Turn

My friends Jack and Susan and I are having a two-month contest to see who can walk the most steps. During the first week of the competition, the numbers (which you can find on my sidebar) bounced back and forth between Jack and Susan for first place. I am a distant third. Always. Third.

This morning, after reviewing the first week totals, Jack decided, and I quote, "This calls for a smack-down of Celebrity Death Match proportions." He set out to beat my first week total in one day.

The picture below shows his numbers as of 9:07 p.m. for ONE DAY...today. I guess we've been smacked.


By the way, that readout indicates 52,545 actual steps which also equals: 42,052 aerobic steps, 2,578 calories burned and 24.87 miles walked.

Today's Walk

Below is a slideshow of some of the fascinating things I saw on my walk this afternoon. I saw a good looking guy jogging but I was afraid he might find me odd if he heard the click of my camera as he jogged away from me. Maybe tomorrow, ladies.

I found the Victorian house I was looking for on my Sunday walk but I didn't have my camera with me. When I left the house Sunday, my neighborhood was on the fringes of a thunderstorm so, I was in a bit of a hurry when I left the house trying to beat the storm and I forgot to grab my camera.

I asked my daughter-in-law later if it was better to walk in the middle of the street, away from trees, and thus become the tallest thing in the area and a certain lightning target or was it better to walk closer to the trees so they would be the victim of a lightning strike. She called me Monday night and told me about a group of men in Houston who were standing under a tree and were all injured in a lightning strike. Her educated opinion: don't walk in a thunderstorm...period. Good advice.