A couple of things from Ava's Great Grandmother (my mom)

Vote for the New Orleans Lakefront Lighthouse

I love lighthouses. Here's an e-mail my mom sent me:

"Our lighthouse on Lake Pontchartrain in New Orleans was destroyed by Katrina. Built in the 1890s, the lighthouse has been a lakefront landmark for years, guiding boats in and out of the Orleans Marina and the Municipal Yacht Harbor. Some of the original materials were salvaged and they're trying to rebuild it but of course it takes money the city doesn't have right now. There is a company that restores lighthouses and has a contest going on right now to donate new windows and doors for a lighthouse in need of restoration, and the Canal lighthouse is on the list! Click here to vote: www.jeld-wen.com/lighthouse"

A Joke

An old Tennessee mountain woman went to the doctor and was told to go home and come back in a couple of days with a specimen. When she got home she asked her husband, "What is a specimen?"

He replied. "Darned if I know. Go next door and ask Edith. She's a nurse."

The woman went next door and came back in about twenty minutes with her clothes all torn and with multiple cuts and bruises on her face and body.

"What in the world happened?" asked her husband"

"Darned if I know," she replies. "I asked Edith what a specimen was and she told me to go piss in a bottle. I told her to go fart in a jug and then all hell broke loose."

Riddle me this, Batman

Why do mice have such small balls?Very few can dance.

My brother-in-law made up this one (it's a long, funny story for another day):
What do you call ghost farts?
Poltergas

My sister Terry made up this one while we were waiting for Ava to be born (I changed it a little): What do you call a militarized army vehicle filled with disbelievers?
A skeptic tank

Here's a Joke

I'm headed to the couch to watch Rock Star Supernova and I anticipate falling asleep shortly after. Since I like to post at least something every day, here's a joke for you. Skip to the end if you like (that's what I usually do). I promise it will make you read the whole joke.

A farmer and his son were having a conversation when the young man told his father that he was still a virgin.

His father told him, "Son, I want you to go into town to Miss Lilly's house. Give her this duck and she'll know what to do."

The boy walked to town, found Miss Lilly's place and gave Miss Lilly the duck. When Miss Lilly found out it was the boy's first time, she decided to have sex with him herself. Everything went fine but when he was leaving he asked, "Where's my duck?"

Miss Lilly said, "Well, the duck was in payment for the sex." The young man began to cry. Miss Lilly was so confused, she said, "I'll tell you what. Come back in and have sex with me again and I'll give you the duck back."

When they finished having sex again, Miss Lilly gave him the duck back. However, as the boy was walking home, the duck jumped out of his arms, ran into the street and got hit by a truck. The boy sat down on the curb and started to cry again.

The man in the truck walked up to the young man and asked him what was wrong. He said, "You ran over my duck."

The man said, "I'm so sorry. I'll tell you what, here's a dollar for you."

When the boy got home, his dad asked him how everything went. The boy said, "Well, dad, it was a pretty weird day."

"How so?", asked his dad.

The boy said, "Well, I got a fuck for a duck, a duck for a fuck and a buck for a fucked up duck."

Gas

My mom sent me this:

I went to the Conoco station and asked for $5 worth of gas.
The owner farted and gave me a receipt.

You Must Be Joking

A man goes into a psychiatrist's office, dressed only in Saran Wrap.
The psychiatrist says, "Well I can clearly see you're nuts."

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Interrupting cow.
Interrupti-
MOO

Knock-knock.
Who's there?
Schizophrenic interrupting cow.
Schizophrenic inter-
Meow!

Knock knock?
Who's there?
Control freak.
Cont-
Now you say "control freak who?"

Last night I dreamt I was eating a giant marshmallow and when I woke up my giant marshmallow was gone!

Q: What's the difference between a 7-11 and a smurf?
A: A 7-11 is a 24-hour convenience store and a smurf is a small blue fictional cartoon character.

J: How many frogs does it take to screw in a light bulb?
L: I don't know, how many?
J: Five!
L: Why five?
J: [shrug] I dunno.

Why do farts stink?
So deaf people can enjoy them too.

Two cows are grazing together. One says to the other, "By the way, aren't you getting worried about that mad cow disease that's going around?"
The second cow replies, "I don't give a shit - I'm a helicopter."

Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella?
Fo' drizzle!

A rabbi, a horse, and an astronaut walk into a bar. The barman looks at the three of them and says "Hey, what is this, some kind of joke?"

Did you hear about the woman who walked into a bar and asked for a double entendre?
The barman gave her one.

Two guys walk into a bar.
Which is odd, because you would think at least one of them would have seen it first.

A duck walks into a convenience store. "Hi," he says, "got any duck food?" "No," replies the clerk. "Okay," the duck says, and leaves. Next day, the same duck walks into the same convenience store. The same clerk is there. "Hi, got any duck food?" asks the duck. "I told you yesterday, no!" the clerk says. "Okay," says the duck, and leaves. This continues for a couple of days until finally the clerk can't take any more. "Look," he snaps, "we didn't have any duck food yesterday, we don't have any today, and we won't have any tomorrow! And if you come in here and ask me for duck food one more time, I'm going to nail your bill to the floor!" Then he kicks the duck out of the store. A few weeks later, the duck comes back. "Hi," he says, "got any nails?" The clerk is taken aback. "No," he replies. "Great!" says the duck. "Got any duck food?"

There was this baby polar bear running around playing away quite happily for a while when he comes to his mother and says "Mummy, am I a real polar bear?""Of course you are dear, now go and play."A little while later he comes back and says "Mummy, are you QUITE sure I am a real polar bear?""Yes dear, I am QUITE sure you are a real polar bear. Now go and play because Mummy is busy, dear."A little while later he comes back yet again and asks "Mummy, are you POSITIVE that I am a real polar bear?""Yes dear, I am positive about that. Your father is a real polar bear father and I'm a real polar bear mummy and you are a real polar bear baby.""Well, if I am a REAL polar bear, why am I so fucking cold?"

How many kids with ADD does it take to screw in a light bulb?
LETS RIDE BIKES!

Guy writing to the Bombay Zoo:
Dear Sir, Please send me two mongooses.
No...
Dear Sir, Please send me two mongeese.
That's not it...
Dear Sir, Please send me two mongi.
Crap...
Dear Sir, Please send me a mongoose. On second thought, make it two.

What did the farmer say when he opened his barn and his plow was missing?
"Where's my plow?"

Q: What has two legs and bleeds a lot?
A: Half of a cat.

Two friends are hiking in the woods, when they suddenly come across a wide, deep, perfectly round hole in the ground. It is so deep, they cannot see the bottom. Intrigued, one friend finds a pebble and drops it in... silence. The second friend finds a large rock, hefts it over, and pushes it into the hole... silence. Finally, the first friend finds a huge wooden plank, pushes it in, and listens... silence.Then a goat comes running through the forest at about 60 mph and jumps straight into the hole, disappearing.As the two friends are taking this in, an old farmer walks by.Farmer: "excuse me, have you seen my goat?"Friend: "we saw a goat, but it just ran straight into this mysterious hole."Farmer: "Oh, then that goat couldn't have been mine. My goat was tied to a huge wooden plank"

Why do mice have such small balls?
Because very few mice know how to dance.

A termite walks into a bar and says, "Is the bar tender here?"

A man is sitting in his living room, hears a knock at the door. Opens the door, nobody there. He looks down and sees a snail on the front porch. Huh. He picks it up and chucks it as hard as he can. Three years later, the man is sitting in his living room, hears a knock. Opens the door. There's a snail on his porch.
Snail says, "What the hell was that all about?"

A dog goes into a telegram office and says to the operator, "Woof woof woof woof woof woof. "
The operator copies it down and says, "You know you can send one more woof for the same price."
The dog says, "But, then it wouldn't make sense."

A Disgusting Post and a Dirty Joke

Disgusting Post

According to the Urban Dictionary the definition for *dingleberry*:
A Klingon near Uranus


Dirty Joke

The Boss was in quandary. He had to fire somebody. He had it narrowed down to one of two people, Debra or Jack. It was an impossible decision. They were both super workers.

Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning. Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hang-over after partying all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin.

The boss approached her and said, "Debra, I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off."

"Could you jack off?" she says. "I feel like shit."

Blatantly stolen...

...from Old Horsetail Snake:

Christ is on the cross when he says, "John, John."

John tries to get closer so he can see what Jesus wants. But the Roman soldiers grab him and throw him down the hill.

John makes his way back up the hill, behind the cross, and finally gets close enough to ask: "Yes, my Lord, what is it?"

Jesus: "John, John, I can see your house from here."


Edited 2/21/06 to add:
All my commenters have been so freaked out by this joke that I thought I would go back and check on Old Horsetail's commenters to see if they thought he was also endangering his mortal soul.

For some reason, his readers thought the joke was a hoot. I guess Old Hoss' soul has a little more wiggle room than mine on the big getting into Heaven scales.

Happy Valentine's Day With an Old Joke

Boudreaux Makes a Deal

Received by e-mail from Jen at Looking for Dave:

Boudreaux was driving down the street in Breaux Bridge in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.

Looking up toward heaven, he said "Lord, take some pity on me. If you find me a parkin' place, I'll go to Mass every Sunday fo' de ress of my life and give up drinking beer and chasin' wimmen."

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Boudeaux looked up again, and said, "Nevermin', I foun' one."

Just a Joke

Man walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says: "Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache."

His wife is lying in bed and replies: "I think you'll find that's a sheep, you idiot."

The man says: "I think you'll find I wasn't talking to you."

Old (Lady) Joke

Two little old ladies were sitting on a hard park bench.

One leaned over to the other and said, "We've been sitting here so long, my butt is going to sleep."

"I know," replied her companion, "I heard it snore three times."

Some More of These

• The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
• Veni, Vedi, Visa: I came, I saw, I did a little shopping.
• Disarm rapists.
• Experience is learning a lot of crap you didn't really want to know.
• I used to care, but I take a pill for that now.
• Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
• Taxation with representation isn't so hot, either.
• Better living through denial.
• A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

Saturday Night Standup

From Big Wacko:

• I was a bank teller. That was a great job. I was bringing home $450,000 a week.--Joel Lindley
• I went to the 30th reunion of my preschool. I didn't want to go, because I've put on like a hundred pounds.--Wendy Liebman
• My favorite animal is steak.--Fran Lebowitz
• I know what men want. Men want to be really, really close to someone who will leave them alone.--Elayne Boosler
• I wanted to make it really special on Valentine's day, so I tied my boyfriend up. And for three solid hours I watched whatever I wanted on TV.--Tracy Smith
• I'll tell you how to beat the gambling in Las Vegas. When you get off the airplane, walk right into the propeller.--Henny Youngman
• If God had wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates.--Jay Leno
• I guess I just prefer to see the dark side of things. The glass is always half empty. And cracked. And I just cut my lip on it. And chipped a tooth. --Janeane Garofalo
• I took my parents back to the airport today. They leave tomorrow.--Margaret Smith
• I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck. But my lawyer thinks he can get me five.--Steven Wright
• Women now have choices. They can be married, not married, have a job, not have a job, be married with children, unmarried with children. Men have the same choice we've always had: work, or prison.--Tim Allen
• The 1960s were when hallucinogenic drugs were really, really big. And I don't think it's a coincidence that we had the shows then like The Flying Nun.--Ellen DeGeneres
• In the beginning there was nothing. God said, "Let there be light!" And there was light. There was still nothing, but you could see it a whole lot better.--Ellen DeGeneres
• A man on a date wonders if he'll get lucky. The woman knows.--Monica Piper
• Yesterday I was walking down the street wearing my eyeglasses and all of a sudden my prescription ran out.--Steven Wright
• I'm not a good lover, but at least I'm fast.-- Drew Carey
• Life is anything that dies when you stomp on it.-- Dave Barry
• Before I met my husband I'd never fallen in love, though I've stepped in it a few times.-- Rita Rudner
• I'm sitting on top of the world, and I've got hemorrhoids.-- Rodney Dangerfield
• Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery. Don't eat pork. I'm sorry, what was that last one? Don't eat pork? Is that the word of God, or is that pigs trying to outsmart everybody?-- Jon Stewart

Friday Night Standup (Saturday Morning Version) - Love and Marriage

• I'm a terrible lover. I've actually given a woman an anti-climax.-- Scott Roeben
• I'm still going on bad dates when by now I should be in a bad marriage.-- Laura Kightlinger
• My classmates would copulate with anything that moved but I never saw any reason to limit myself.-- Emo Philips
• You can't put a price tag on love but you can on all its accessories.-- Melanie Clark
• To attract men I wear a special perfume. It's called New Car Interior.-- Rita Rudner
• If men could get pregnant, abortion would be a sacrament.-- Florynce Kennedy
• A guy knows he's in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days.-- Tim Allen
• I've been on so many blind dates I should get a free dog.-- Wendy Liebman
• The big difference between sex for money & sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less.-- Brendan Francis
• I can't remember the last time we made love. She says, "Well I can - and that's why we're not."-- Rodney Dangerfield (& wife)
• Male sexual response is far brisker & more automatic. It is triggered easily by things like putting a quarter in a vending machine.-- Dr. Alex Comfort
• Studies have found a number of mechanical devices increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL convertible.-- P.J. O'Rourke
• Politics is the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.-- Ronald Reagan
• Shopping is better than sex because if you're not satisfied after shopping, you can exchange it for something you really like.-- Adrienne Gusoff
• When a man and woman are trying to have sex, he will often climax before she is ready. Sometimes before she is, technically, in the room.-- Dave Barry
• The pleasure is momentary, the position ridiculous and the expense damnable. (His Lordship commenting on sex)-- Lord Chesterfield
• I date this girl for two years and then the nagging starts:"I wanna know your name !"-- Mike Binder
• I'm a Double Bagger. My husband puts a bag over my face to make love. Then he puts one on his in case mine falls off.-- Joan Rivers
• If the authorities warn you of the dangers sex, there is an important lesson to be learned: Do not have sex with the authorities.-- Matt Groening
• My wife is a sex object. Every time I ask for sex, she objects.-- Les Dawson
• There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination, you can overcome that.-- Lewis Grizzard
• Sex is like art. Most of it is pretty bad, and the good stuff is out of your price range.-- Scott Roeben
• I'd like to meet the person who invented sex. First of all, just to say "THANKS !!!" But more importantly, to see what they're working on now.-- George Carlin

Friday Night Standup: Mitch Hedberg (Part One)

*Pic* Mitch Hedberg

• I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
• I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.
• The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
• I got an ant farm. Them fellas didn't grow shit.
• I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
• Last week I helped my friend stay put. It's a lot easier than helping someone move. I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load shit into a truck.
• I got my hair highlighted, because I felt some strands were more important than others.
• I had a stick of Carefree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.
• I want to be a race car passenger: just a guy who bugs the driver. "Say man, can I turn on the radio? You should slow down. Why do we gotta keep going in circles? Can I put my feet out the window? Boy, you really like Tide."
• I got in an argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent. That's a bad place for an argument, because I tried to walk out, and had to slam the flap.
• I type a 101 words a minute. But it's in my own language.
• I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. It's not the photographer's fault. Bigfoot is blurry. And that's extra scary to me, because there's a large, out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside. Run. He's fuzzy. Get outta here.
• My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She made it half way. She's an actress, she just never gets called to the set.
• I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it

Friday Night Standup (Saturday Version #2)

Jack Benny quotes:

A scout troop consists of twelve little kids dressed like schmucks following a big schmuck dressed like a kid.

Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air.

I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either.

I don't want to tell you how much insurance I carry with the Prudential, but all I can say is: when I go, they go too.

My wife Mary and I have been married for forty-seven years and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce; murder, yes, but divorce, never.

I went to a meeting for premature ejaculators. I left early.

A cannibal is a guy who goes into a restaurant and orders the waiter.

For those of you too young to know, Jack Benny was also known as being notoriously cheap:
"I took my girl to dinner, and she laughed so hard at one of my jokes that she dropped her tray." ~ Jack Benny

(at a charity dinner) "I had my choice tonight of buying a hundred-dollar ticket or being up here on the dais . . . So, good evening, ladies and gentlemen."
~ Jack Benny

Friday Night Standup - Rodney Dangerfield

• I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.
• I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
• I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
• I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.
• I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.
• I met the surgeon general - he offered me a cigarette.
• I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
• I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.
• I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.
• I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.
• I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
• I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.
• It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.
• My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.
• My mother had morning sickness after I was born.
• My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.
• My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.
• My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.
• My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
• My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.
• My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.
• My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.
• My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light.
• On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.
• The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
• This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
• We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
• What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
• When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
• When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
• With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we'll never see each other!
• Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'

Friday Night Standup

Behind Every Man
Barbara Walters of 20/20 did a story on gender roles in Kabul several years before the Afghan conflict. She noted that women customarily walked about 5 paces behind their husbands. She returned to Kabul recently and observed that women still walk behind their husbands, but now seem to walk even further back and are happy with the old custom.

Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, "Why do you now seem happy with the old custom that you used to try and change?"

"Land mines," said the woman.

Dog Gone It
A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and announces:
"I'm lookin' for the man who shot my paw."

Knock, Knock
The doorbell rings and a guy answers his front door and finds a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and tosses it out into the yard.

Two years later, the doorbell rings, the man answers the door and there is the same snail. The snail looks up and says, "Now, what was that about?!"

Friday Night Standup - Corny Variety

Talking Muffins
There were two muffins baking in the oven and one muffin said, "Geeze, it's hot in here!"

The other muffin yelled, "AHHHH!!!! A talking muffin!!!!!"


Taking A Centipede to a BarA guy decides life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede, which came in a little white box to use for his house.

He took the box back home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to a bar with him.

So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to a bar with me tonight? We will have a good time."

But there was no answer from his new pet.

This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes, and then asked him again, "How about going to a bar with me tonight? I want you to meet my friends."

But again, there was no answer from his new pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.

He decided to ask him one more time; this time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to a bar with me tonight and have a few laughs!?"

A little voice came out of the box, "I heard you the first time! I'm putting on my shoes."


Getting the Last Word
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife, Mother of Six in spite of her objections.

One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.

He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home Mother of Six?"

His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion, shouts back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four."

Friday Night Standup (Saturday Version)

I just got back from Day 2 of Mardi Gras in Port Arthur. I'll post some pictures tomorrow. In the meantime, here is my Friday Night Standup (Saturday Version) because I'm too tired to write anything else.

Clever Quips
Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?

Any woman can have the body of a 21-year-old, as long as she buys him a few drinks first.

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.


Marriage CounselingAfter just a few years of marriage filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling. They had been at each other's throats for some time and felt that this was their last hope.

When they arrived at the counselor's office, the counselor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion. "What seems to be the problem?"

Immediately, the husband held his long face down without anything to say. In contrast, the wife began talking 90 miles an hour, describing all the wrongs within their marriage. After 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately and sat her back down.

Afterwards, the wife sat speechless.The marriage counselor looked over at the husband, who stared in disbelief. The counselor said to the husband,"Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!"

The husband scratched his head and replied, "I can have her here on Tuesdays and Thursdays."


Shut Up and Drive
While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant and resumed their trip. When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table and she didn't miss them until after they had been driving about twenty minutes. By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.

All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man. He fussed and complained and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he chided her, the more agitated he became and he just wouldn't let up. To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant. As the woman got out of the car and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her, "While you're in there, you might as well get my hat, and credit card."