Congratulations, Elliott and Maritza!!

My sister Terry's son Elliott married the beautiful Maritza Saturday afternoon. There's a slideshow below. I didn't get pictures of everything, because I was helping with the gumbo and the cake, but I think I got lots of good shots.

You'll recognize the Grand-Fabulous-Ava and the Amazing Cory and the Incredible Jamie. The Incredible Jamie not only performed the ceremony, she made the punch. Now, that's what I call multi-tasking.

Dad Update and Happy Anniversary, Mom and Dad

Today is mom and dad's 55th wedding anniversary. Unfortunately, they're spending their anniversary in Methodist Hospital, because the doctors are still trying to figure out the cause of dad's problems. Is it infection? Is it the stent? It it his lymphoma? Why is he still coughing? WTF?

In case you haven't been keeping track, dad's been in and out of Methodist Hospital and St. Elizabeth Hospital for the last 6 weeks, give or take a week. It started out with a bout of jaundice which required replacement of a stent which was originally implanted three years ago due to a surgery he had to remove a tumor caused by his lymphoma. Since then, there have been problems with the stent and intermittent fevers which nobody has been able to accurately diagnose. And the cough. Did I mention the cough? Again...WTF?

Yesterday dad's stent started draining in ways it wasn't supposed to drain. However, when that happened, his fever went down and he started feeling better. So, now the plan is to turn him back over to the radiology team which is the team of doctors that originally inserted the stent. Confused? We are, too.

Dad has now been under the care of the medical team, surgical team, infectious disease team and now back to the radiology team. Fingers crossed that there will be a solution, soon.

In the meantime, Happy Anniversary, mom and dad and...

WTF, docs?

The Paranormal Retreat Marriage Proposal

I've had more requests for details on the marriage proposal than requests for ghost stories. So, off we go. Early in the retreat, our host Dave Schrader announced that prior to the last event of the retreat a door prize would be given. It would be the first ever door prize at one of these events.

As we all sat waiting for the panel discussion to begin, Dave announced that it was time for the door prize giveaway. He made a grand show of shaking up names in a box and calling out a name. When nobody responded, some people in the audience started shouting, "Have to be present to win! Have to be present to win."

While people were harassing Dave about drawing another name, I was watching the guest speakers. I noticed they were smiling and whispering and laughing. Something was up. Dave looked at the guys and said, "I'm going to tell them." Grant said, "NO!" That's when I started thinking wedding proposal. Finally, the "winning" couple came running across the hotel lobby and into the room.

The guys "proposing" in the below video are Jason Hawes, Grant Wilson, Chris Fleming and Patrick Burns.

I Fought the Law and I Won

(If you're arriving here late, go back a couple of posts and read about the wedding so you'll be caught up with the rest of the class.)

We left the beauty salon at around 2:30 p.m. and had to be at the church by 4:00 p.m. Although my hotel was about fifteen minutes from the salon, I didn't see this as a problem because all I had to do was check in (I had arranged for some sort of speedy check in service...3 minutes...guaranteed), change my clothes and head to the church. However, the Mardi Gras gods had other plans.

I zoomed down Interstate 10, took the Interstate 110 exit, then took the North Street exit. It was now 3:00 p.m. Plenty of time. All I had to do was drive down North Street to Lafayette Street and...what the hell? WHAT THE HOLY FUCKING HELL?!

The street before Lafayette Street had barricades all around it and, in the distance, on Lafayette Street were shiny happy people marching in a gotdamn Mardi Gras parade. I love Mardi Gras as much as the next guy and, ordinarily, a Mardi Gras parade makes me happy and doesn't give me a million tiny heart attacks.

I took a right and there was absolutely no way I was going to be able to get to Lafayette Street. I took another right and asked a lady for directions. She told me lots of things I already knew, I thanked her and had another little tiny heart attack. I headed back toward North Street and found a policeman. He told me there was no way to get to my hotel and the best advice he could give me was to park as close to the hotel as I could and walk there.

Are you still with me? He wanted me to park my car then walk two or three blocks with my luggage and a bridesmaid dress slung over my shoulder. Yeah, rocket scientist, what was I supposed to do when I reached the parade?

"Excuse me. Excuse me!! EXCUSE ME!!!!! Coming through! Lady with a dress! Move that float, asshole! Maid of Honor!! Maid of Hooonnnooorrrrrrrr!!!"

So, I left the rocket scientist and started driving. It was now about 3:15 p.m. and, in my aggravation with the genius policeman, I had forgotten to ask him how to get back to the highway. I drove a ways until the area started to scare me in totally different ways from the ways I was already scared. I took a right, then I took another right.

I drove a couple of blocks, approaching full panic mode, and came to a stop sign. Suddenly, miraculously looming before me like the Big W in It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World was the Interstate 110 on ramp. However, the street leading to the on ramp was barricaded.

This could not be happening. It was now 3:30 p.m., I wasn't dressed and the church was still fifteen minutes away. If I could get to that on ramp, I might make it to the church on time. I called Jen and told her my dilemma and that I would have to dress at the church. I also told her I was staring at my only way out of the hell I had gotten myself into and I would think of something.

I told her, "Fuck it. I'm moving the barricade. I'll call you from the church."

Beyond the barricade, the streets were clear for about two blocks and, beyond that, I could see the parade passing right beside my planned escape route. To add a couple more mini heart attacks to the mix, there were two policemen standing there blocking the street adjacent to the on ramp.

I pulled away from the stop sign, crossed the intersection, got out of my car and moved the barricade. So far, so good. I got back in my car and passed the barricade and, not wanting to cause an international incident of Mardi Gras proportions, stopped the car, got out and replaced the barricade.

Now, all I had to do was make it to that ramp. I drove slowly in case I had to pretend to be confused and lost instead of the barricade moving outlaw that I actually was. As I got closer to the policemen, I realized they were having a grand old Mardi Gras time catching beads and just, generally, yucking it up.

I hit that ramp, checked my rear view mirror and put the pedal to the metal. I got to the church at around 3:45 p.m. and had just enough time to gather my clothes, shoes, hose, black undergarments and jewelry from my bags in the trunk of my car, run to the church and get dressed in a restroom before anyone got there.

When I got to the Hilton that night after the wedding, still in my wedding clothes, I walked up to the desk clerk and told him about my problem with getting to the hotel that afternoon and asked if there was anything he could do about my room rate.

He said it wasn't up to him. I said okay and that I would just call somebody Monday to see if anyone would do anything for me. (I had booked a very expensive room with a river view.)

He asked, "You going to call Conrad?"

"How about Paris?" I asked, "I wonder if she can help me."

We laughed and the other guy behind the counter laughed. That's when I told them about moving the barricades and barely making it to the church on time. I don't know if it was because I wasn't being bitchy or if it was because he knew I was capable of moving police barricades to get my way, but when he handed me my rate card to initial, he whispered, "Let me show you something. Right here. This is your rate."

God bless him, he cut me a heck of a deal and the room was one of the most divine and luxurious rooms I've ever stayed in. Thanks, dude. Thanks, Conrad and, what the hell, thanks, Paris.

The Wedding and Sneak Peek at Tomorrow's Post

Note: I keep remembering stuff and adding to this post. So, if you've already read it, you might want to give it another go.

Jen and Brian's wedding was incredible! She was gorgeous, he was handsome and everything was perfection. Jen had absolutely no Bridezilla moments and she made it all look so easy. I met so many wonderful people that I couldn't begin to mention them all. Jen and Brian's families are incredible people and lots of fun. I have to give shout-outs to Becca, Todd, Ron, Lacy and Toby for also making it such a memorable weekend.

The drive up there was cold and rainy all the way and there was a wreck on the I-10 bridge going into Baton Rouge. So, all of us Texans were sweating out making it on time to the church for the rehearsal. Of course, Jen and Brian's good vibes helped The Universe to get everyone there safe and sound.

I was originally supposed to drive to Brian and Jen's house when I got to Baton Rouge and then ride with them to the rehearsal. However, because of the traffic problems, I went straight to the church. I'm a big believer in everything happening for a reason and, after following Jen home after the rehearsal, I'm pretty sure I would have gotten lost and they would still be searching the bayous for me.

The rehearsal dinner at Monjuni's was magnificent and the Chianti and bread pudding were some of the best I've ever had. Thanks Mr. and Mrs. E.

Saturday morning, Jen and I hung around watching VH-1 and BBC America. On BBC America, we saw an obese lady get a high colonic.

I looked at Jen and said, "You'll always remember that you spent your wedding morning watching a large British lady get a high colonic with one of your Matrons of Honor."

Jen said, "Yeah, great story for the grandkids."

We then headed to the salon with one backtrack to the house, which we decided was cosmic intervention so that we could avoid some horrible accident. I told Jen that someone should make a huge sign to put on the cars of people driving brides around on their wedding day which says "Bride on Board" so that people will give them lots of room and stay out of their way. We finally made it to the salon and all had our hair and makeup done. I really love Baton Rouge. Texas has a reputation for being friendly, but Baton Rouge people are a special sweet, laid back kind of friendly.

At the rehearsal, I found out I would have a few important duties: be sure Jen's train stayed picture perfect while we were on the altar, hold her flowers at certain times during the ceremony, take care of Brian's ring and sign the license in front of all of the guests during the ceremony. We also had to remember to bow when approaching the altar which is trickier than it sounds. (At one point during the ceremony, Jen forgot to bow, suddenly remembered and bowed her head. I had forgotten to bow, too, so I thought she dropped something and also looked down. Hopefully, it just looked like we were being all reverent and stuff. Sorry, God.)

You'll be happy and surprised to know that I took care of all of those duties (with Becca's help with the flowers) and never fell down or anything. The signing of the license during the wedding was something I had never seen before and was a lovely addition to the ceremony. There was a great moment when the pen ran out of ink and the deacon had to ask to borrow one from the guests.

The deacon was a delightful man with a wonderful sense of humor. Of course, I can't remember one single thing he said so that I could give you an example. During the ceremony, he invited the parents up to the altar to give the couple a blessing with him. It was an incredibly touching and memorable wedding.

We had a glamorous limo ride to the reception which was decorated beautifully. The food and cakes were amazingly wonderful, but the highlight for Becca and I was when Jen was talking to us and said, "I have to find my fian...OH!!...I have to find my HUSBAND!!" Then, we all giggled like school girls as she ran off to find Brian so they could leave for their honeymoon and their new life together.

TOMORROW'S POST: Why Laurie should have been arrested in downtown Baton Rouge, but wasn't and how Paris' family (the Hiltons that is) made it all better.

I Think I Have Louisiana Flu

• Tonight LSU football party
• Soon (!!!) Baton Rouge for Jen's wedding
• Mardi Gras in Lafayette
• Ghost Hunting 101 at University of Louisiana in Lafayette (3 Saturdays!)
• New Orleans for St. Patrick's Day

I knew I should have taken that damn fleaux shot.

Best First Wedding Dance Ever

Stay with me now...

More of my busy weekend

My dear friend Jen is getting married in January and we had her first shower this weekend. Her family is a hoot and a great time was had by all.

A lot of people don't like wedding showers and baby showers and such. I love them. Shiny happy people! Cake! Presents! What's not to like?

The fabulous cake!

Jen and cookie cutters

Jen and Co-Maid of Honor Becca.

Jen and the handsome groom, Brian

Jen and Co-Maid of Honor Laurie

(Co-Maid of Honor Lacey couldn't attend.)

(Who says a person can't have three Maids of Honor? Pish Posh, we say.)

Happy Anniversary, Mom and Dad

Happy 53rd Wedding Anniversary, mom and dad!

Happy 25th Anniversary, Stu and Kim!

Today is my brother Stuart and sister-in-law Kim's 25th wedding anniversary. Happy Anniversary, guys! We love you!

Happy Anniversary, Cory and Jamie!!!!

I LOVE YOU GUYS!!!!!!!!!!

I'm So Honored!

My dear friend Jen has asked me to be her Matron of Honor. I still remember the day Jen came into the office and told me she had met the nicest guy. I soon met him and, like everyone else, liked him immediately. I would tell you some funny stuff about Jen and Brian but I'm saving that stuff for my Matron (Matron?!) of Honor wedding day speech.

To read the sweetest proposal story you've ever heard, click here and, to see pictures of the proposal night and the ring, click here.

I promise you, Jen, I will be the best Matron (we have to do something about that word) of Honor in the history of Matrons of Honor because that's how I roll. I'm a little nervous, but I once moved a 50-person law firm with only two weeks notice and only one brief crying jag (me, not the partners). Surely, I can throw a kick-ass bachelorette party (hmmm...New Orleans?), throw a shower (or two), give a little speech and whatever else your little heart desires.

Oh, and if I have to make lots and lots of trips to wonderful, beautiful Baton Rouge and/or New Orleans, I'm willing to make that sacrifice. Like I said, that's how I roll.

Bridezilla!

My newest guilty pleasure is Bridezilla. This show follows a bad-tempered bride around in the weeks before her wedding. The groom is usually around peripherally but, he is seldom around when his future wife is losing her shit.

Here's my advice to the future husband of a bridezilla. Ask to see the video that is shot each day. No, change that. Demand to see the video that is shot each day. If you still marry her, you deserve every hellacious moment of your new marriage.

Watching the bride and everyone around her go nuclear is endlessly entertaining. It's especially easy to enjoy the freak-outs because, as the show goes along, we are informed of the obscene amounts of money being spent on the wedding extravaganza. These people are out of their ever loving minds.

The one I watched tonight spent $70,000 on her wedding. She had to take a second mortgage out on her house. Each episode follows two brides with one wedding shown to completion and the other carried over to the next episode. Clever devils. The bride next week is 40% over budget with a predicted grand total of $110,000. I can't wait to see that bitch lose her shit.

I mean, bless her heart.

(WE Channel - Sunday 9:00 p.m. CT)

Getting Married in New Orleans

On my previous post describing a typical itinerary when we're in New Orleans, I had a commenter ask me about places to get married there. The rules for getting married in New Orleans are now similar to the rules for getting married in Las Vegas. One of my friends went to New Orleans with her fiance to get married. They left Beaumont around 7:00 a.m. and, with no prior planning except to obtain certified copies of their divorce decrees and birth certificates, were married by 2:00 p.m. That includes a 4-hour drive, by the way.

There are lots of websites with information about getting married in New Orleans in the traditional fashion with a lot of planning done, stress experienced and money spent. This site [click here] has all the information you need about getting married in New Orleans and furnishes several options for ceremonies which seem relatively painless.

If I were going to get married in New Orleans, this would be the plan (not that I've given it a lot of thought, you understand):

1. After checking into a French Quarter hotel, walk down to St. Louis Cathedral in Jackson Square and share a few spirtual moments (inside the church, if it's open) with your very-soon-to-be-spouse.
2. Go to Cafe DuMonde and have a pre-marriage brunch of cafe au lait (for the caffeine buzz) and some beignets. Steal some sweet powdered sugar smooches.
3. Before heading to the courthouse for your license and ceremony, stop at one of the antique shops in the French Quarter and buy your rings.
4. Buy some flowers from a street vendor.
5. Go get married.
6. Meet up with your friends and family at Masperro's on Decatur for your wedding dinner. (This is a very casual restaurant where you get a lot of delicious food for not a lot of money.)
7. Send someone over to La Madeleine's for a variety of pastries and have your "wedding cake" in the park in front of the cathedral.
8. Have your "reception" on the patio at Pat O'Brien's. Have the Pat O's photographer take your official wedding photographs ($8 each, what a bargain). You can't monopolize all their time, but, I'm sure they would take three or four group shots for you, without any problem.
9. Hang out with your friends on Bourbon Street until it's time to start the honeymoon.
10. Spend the rest of the weekend in New Orleans or, if time and money permit, go to the airport and catch a plane to Vegas (Caribbean? Paris?) for an extended honeymoon.
11. Go home and spend all the money you saved on an elaborate wedding on something you and your friends and family can enjoy together for years to come. How about an outdoor barbeque pit/kitchen area or turn a room in your house into a martini bar or a home theater?

No, I haven't given this much thought at all.

Edited to add: When I answered Abby's comment, I realized I hadn't included bachelor and bachelorette parties on the agenda. Everyone could always go up a day early which allows more time for ring shopping and the above mentioned B-parties. Of course, the parties will probably cross paths during the night but that would just keep things interesting. Hey, it's New Orleans!

Happy Anniversary!

Today is my son Cory and his wife Jamie's first wedding anniversary. Happy Anniversary! I love you guys.

Appropriately enough, the doves returned to my courtyard today. I bought this townhouse in September of 2002. In the spring of 2003, I had one gray dove move into my patio under my philodendron. He stayed a few weeks and then left. The next year, I had two doves. This year I have four. The first year, I was sad when he left but now that I know they'll return, I won't be sad this year. I am a bit concerned, however, about what will happen to my courtyard dove-wise by the Spring of 2010.

The temperature for the last two days has been in the upper 90's and we've only had about nine inches of rain so far this year. The doves crap on one particular chair and nowhere else. Not under the chair, on the chair. I think the original 2003 dove must have told his friends, "Coo coo coo. Coo coo." Translation: "Hey, I know a place that's cool and shady and has a great crapper. Follow me!"
*Pic*

The Wedding Party

Darlene and Jerry surprised everyone and got married Friday in New Orleans before the rest of us got there. Pictured: Shannon, Mary Beth, Jerry, Darlene, Laurie

Happy 50th Anniversary Mom and Dad

On August 15, 1954, my parents got married in Port Arthur, Texas. Their names are Ruby and "Red." It had to be destiny.

Mom graduated from Thomas Jefferson High School in 1954 as Ruby Courville and my dad graduated from Bishop Byrne in 1951 as Harold Ransonette, Jr.

There will be many stories about mom and dad as this blog progresses but, for today, I just want to say Happy Anniversary and I love you guys.