Friday, June 10, 2005

Friday Night Quotes - The Andy Griffith Show

Aunt Bee: Opie, you need to go next door and see Floyd about a haircut.
Opie: But, Aunt Bee, those little hairs get down my neck and they itch like crazy.
Aunt Bee: Well, after the haircut, go home and take a bath.
Opie: Wow, a haircut and a bath the same day. This is turning out worse than I thought.

Opie: But, Aunt Bee, he kicked me right in the pit of my back.
Aunt Bee: Tomorrow, I'll rub it down with some witch hazel.
Opie: Witch hazel makes my eyes water.
Aunt Bee: Okay, you won't see so well, but you'll feel better.

Andy: Ernest T, let me ask you something. Did your mother ever used to hit you?
Ernest T: Oh, yes. She was wonderful!

Andy: When Floyd was a youngun, he used to practice on cats. We had the baldest cats in the county.

Barney : It's time to nip it, nip it in the bud!

Barney: He's a nut!

Helen to Barney: He'll kill you.
Andy to Barney: He'll kill you.

Gomer: I think I'll go to Foley's market. They're looking for an experienced butcher.
Andy: You know anything about cuttin' meat?
Gomer: Think they'll ask me that?

The Fun Girls: Just shut up, Bernie...shut up.

Ernest T. Bass: It's's's Ernest T.....

Barney: Hello, doll.
The Fun Girls: Hi, Bernie.

Briscoe Darling speaking of Ernest T. Bass to Andy and Barney: Well, we thought about killin' him. Kinda hated to go that far.

Andy: Mornin' ladies, my goodness don't you look happy. Must be cuttin' somebody up pretty good.

Andy: Could you tell me what's on the western border of the United States?
Ernest T: Old Man Kelsey's Woods!
Andy: No, it's a big body of water.
Ernest T: Old Man Kelsey's River!
Andy: No, no, no, it's an ocean.
Ernest T: Old Man Kelsey's Ocean!

Andy: Now don't tell anybody about this Gomer.
Gomer: Not even you?

Opie: I ain't never seen one, Paw.
Andy: You ain't never seen what?
Opie: A half a boy.
Andy: See, it's not really half a boy its a ratio.
Opie: Poor Horatio.

Briscoe Darling: The boys ain't much on compliments.

Barney: Where you goin?
Opie: I'm leavin'. You're a sight.

Andy to Opie: I can't believe I was glad when you learned to talk.

Angry Wife: Mornin', dear.
Angry Husband: Mornin' darlin'.

Mr. Darling: Jump in where you can, Sheriff, and hold on. A-one and a-two and a-three...

Ernest T to Charlene: I'm kinda mean, but I make up for it by bein' real healthy.

Andy: You know Floyd always takes an hour or so for lunch. Says if he comes back too fast all the food goes right to his feet.

Andy to Barney: You beat everything, you know that?!

Andy:Charlene I'm old enough to be your father!
Charlene:You sure are beautifully preserved.

Briscoe Darling: Got time to breathe, got time for music.

Otis: Barney's in jail! Barney's in jail!

Thelma Lou: Barney's a dear, sweet, kind man! The kindest man I've ever known! He's the man I want to be the father of my children! But he just can't sing! Not a lick! Not a lick!

Opie: Goodnight, Ernest T. Bass.
Ernest T: Goodnight, Opie Taylor.

Gomer to Barney: Citizen's Arrest! Citizen's Arrest!

Mr. Darling (deciding what song to play): How bout - Don't Hit Your Grandma With a Great Big Stick.
Charlene: No, Pa that'n makes me cry.

Mr. Darling: Charlene, back in the truck.
Charlene (eyes glued on Andy): Aw, Pa. Cain't I even look at the pur'dy man.

Andy to Aunt Bee about the old freezer:
Call the man, Aunt Bee!

Andy: You're all heart, you know that, Barn?

Barney: He got the drop on me!
Andy: He had a gun?
Barney: Well, he has now!

Andy to Barney: Floyd's right! One of your lobes is longer than the other!

Andy: Oregano?

Barney to Juanita: From your head down to your feet, there is nothing quite as sweet; as Juanita, Juanita, lovely, dear Juanita.

Gomer (bucket on head):The Sarge says it'll help me to think. And he's right I've just been thinking and thinking and thinking.
Andy: What have you been thinking about?
Gomer: How easy it is to think under here.

Opie: Hey Pa, ain't it a beaut'?


Danno said...

That lady is right, you are a funny shit magnet! I love the early Andy Griffith Show, they're still funny after all of these years. ...And "Mayberry, RFD" still sucks.

Sylvana said...

I used to watch The Andy Griffith Show. TBS had all those good oldies, like Leave it to Beaver and The Beverly Hillbillies. Funny stuff.

Call Me Grandma said...

I still watch Andy. I never get tired of the reruns. Matter of fact I remembered everyone of those lines...Yes "Mayberry RFD" does still suck.

cessna said...

What's a better character name than Briscoe Darling?

Laurie said...

Danno - Mayberry just wasn't the same in living color.

Sylvana - I love the Beverly Hillbillies and Green Acres.

Military Mom - Mayberry RFD is just too painful to watch.

The *oregano* episode was one of my favorites.

Cessna - The Darlings were only on a few episodes but they were some of my favorites.

Comfort Addict said...

Excellent! I have a soft spot for The Andy Griffith Show. It had wonderful characters. Andy was a master psychologist. People seemed so nice to each other.

My favorite episode was one called "Stranger in Town" from the first season. A stranger in town seems to know everything about Mayberry and the people in it. He comes up to people as if he knows them but they definitely don't know him. People start freaking out. This combination of Twilight Zone and sweetness was perfect.

Laurie said...

Comfort Addict - I cracked up the whole time I was looking for those quotes.

Danno said...

Andy was a dick in the later episodes! His distaste for doing the show was no secret. When the funny man (Barney) left the show, there was nothing left but the straight man. Not to mention, Howard Sprague was a tool, I hated Howard. No one in Mayberry should have a John Waters mustache.

Laurie said...

Howard Sprague was and still is one of the most annoying characters ever created. Remember when he turned his house into a bachelor pad?

LoneStarLass said...

I just saw the one where Opie says, "Ain't it a beaut!" after he gets into the fight with the bully who took his milk money. Maybe it was nostalgia, but I cried. My favorite episode ever is where Opie accidentally kills the mother bird, and Andy makes him raise the baby birds.

I think when they had the reunion show a few months ago that Andy said there were churches that were actually using the show as a Sunday School course.

And the only name I ever heard that was funnier than Briscoe Darling or Ernest T. Bass was Arnold Ziffel.

Laurie said...

I'm glad you told me where the quote "Ain't it a beaut?" came from. I just couldn't remember. That was a good one.