Aunt Bee: Opie, you need to go next door and see Floyd about a haircut.
Opie: But, Aunt Bee, those little hairs get down my neck and they itch like crazy.
Aunt Bee: Well, after the haircut, go home and take a bath.
Opie: Wow, a haircut and a bath the same day. This is turning out worse than I thought.
Opie: But, Aunt Bee, he kicked me right in the pit of my back.
Aunt Bee: Tomorrow, I'll rub it down with some witch hazel.
Opie: Witch hazel makes my eyes water.
Aunt Bee: Okay, you won't see so well, but you'll feel better.
Andy: Ernest T, let me ask you something. Did your mother ever used to hit you?
Ernest T: Oh, yes. She was wonderful!
Andy: When Floyd was a youngun, he used to practice on cats. We had the baldest cats in the county.
Barney : It's time to nip it, nip it in the bud!
Barney: He's a nut!
Helen to Barney: He'll kill you.
Andy to Barney: He'll kill you.
Gomer: I think I'll go to Foley's market. They're looking for an experienced butcher.
Andy: You know anything about cuttin' meat?
Gomer: Think they'll ask me that?
The Fun Girls: Just shut up, Bernie...shut up.
Ernest T. Bass: It's me...it's me...it's Ernest T.....
Barney: Hello, doll.
The Fun Girls: Hi, Bernie.
Briscoe Darling speaking of Ernest T. Bass to Andy and Barney: Well, we thought about killin' him. Kinda hated to go that far.
Andy: Mornin' ladies, my goodness don't you look happy. Must be cuttin' somebody up pretty good.
Andy: Could you tell me what's on the western border of the United States?
Ernest T: Old Man Kelsey's Woods!
Andy: No, it's a big body of water.
Ernest T: Old Man Kelsey's River!
Andy: No, no, no, it's an ocean.
Ernest T: Old Man Kelsey's Ocean!
Andy: Now don't tell anybody about this Gomer.
Gomer: Not even you?
Opie: I ain't never seen one, Paw.
Andy: You ain't never seen what?
Opie: A half a boy.
Andy: See, it's not really half a boy its a ratio.
Opie: Poor Horatio.
Briscoe Darling: The boys ain't much on compliments.
Barney: Where you goin?
Opie: I'm leavin'. You're a sight.
Andy to Opie: I can't believe I was glad when you learned to talk.
Angry Wife: Mornin', dear.
Angry Husband: Mornin' darlin'.
Mr. Darling: Jump in where you can, Sheriff, and hold on. A-one and a-two and a-three...
Ernest T to Charlene: I'm kinda mean, but I make up for it by bein' real healthy.
Andy: You know Floyd always takes an hour or so for lunch. Says if he comes back too fast all the food goes right to his feet.
Andy to Barney: You beat everything, you know that?!
Andy:Charlene I'm old enough to be your father!
Charlene:You sure are beautifully preserved.
Briscoe Darling: Got time to breathe, got time for music.
Otis: Barney's in jail! Barney's in jail!
Thelma Lou: Barney's a dear, sweet, kind man! The kindest man I've ever known! He's the man I want to be the father of my children! But he just can't sing! Not a lick! Not a lick!
Opie: Goodnight, Ernest T. Bass.
Ernest T: Goodnight, Opie Taylor.
Gomer to Barney: Citizen's Arrest! Citizen's Arrest!
Mr. Darling (deciding what song to play): How bout - Don't Hit Your Grandma With a Great Big Stick.
Charlene: No, Pa that'n makes me cry.
Mr. Darling: Charlene, back in the truck.
Charlene (eyes glued on Andy): Aw, Pa. Cain't I even look at the pur'dy man.
Andy to Aunt Bee about the old freezer:
Call the man, Aunt Bee!
Andy: You're all heart, you know that, Barn?
Barney: He got the drop on me!
Andy: He had a gun?
Barney: Well, he has now!
Andy to Barney: Floyd's right! One of your lobes is longer than the other!
Barney to Juanita: From your head down to your feet, there is nothing quite as sweet; as Juanita, Juanita, lovely, dear Juanita.
Gomer (bucket on head):The Sarge says it'll help me to think. And he's right I've just been thinking and thinking and thinking.
Andy: What have you been thinking about?
Gomer: How easy it is to think under here.
Opie: Hey Pa, ain't it a beaut'?