Lettuce Be

Tonight at Antone's it was Tab Benoit. He's one of our favorites. However, he didn't come on stage until after 11:00 p.m. which was somewhat annoying, especially on a Friday night when I'm tired before things even get started.

However, when he came onstage, he was more drunk than me which usually results in an interesting show. Sometimes it's bad interesting and sometimes it's good interesting but it's always interesting. Tonight it was good interesting and quite entertaining. Not that I'm encouraging such behavior but a performer under the influence sometimes goes into a zone that is indescribably surreal for both him and the audience.

Before I went out tonight, I had a long talk with myself forcefully convincing myself to only have a few drinks because tomorrow night is the big Crockett Street Halloween party and I want to be funky fresh for that. So, I had one margarita and two Smirnoff Ice which was just about right. Then my friend Melissa and I decided that, if we had one, just one, Black Russian, we would have the courage to go stand by the stage instead of sitting behind the assholes who were standing in front of us. (I had managed to get the primo table by the DJ booth, by the way.)

We drank our Black Russians but we never went to stand by the stage. The only affect I noticed was when we left Antone's, I was suddenly starving. I went up to the vendor on the street and decided I had to have a hamburger patty with cheese on it but I didn't want any bread and I only had $3.25 left.

I told the vendor, "I want that hamburger patty right there but I only want it on lettuce."

There was no lettuce. I didn't want lettuce. Lettuce was not even a consideration in my brain. I wanted to say napkin but, somehow, the word lettuce came out and I couldn't think of the word napkin. I was looking right at the napkins but I couldn't say the word.

The vendor looked at me patiently, as only people who are used to serving intoxicated people can do, and I said, "No, no, no. I don't want lettuce. I just want the patty...and the cheese. No bread. Napkin! I want it on a napkin! Yes, a napkin. Not lettuce. You don't even have lettuce. A napkin would be great."

She said, "I'll only charge you $3.00 for that."

I said, "That's great because I only have $3.25."

After apologizing profusely for the lousy tip, I took my napkin wrapped hamburger patty with cheese and ate it on the way to my car. That was the best damn hamburger patty with cheese I've ever eaten.