Saturday Night Standup

From Big Wacko:

• I was a bank teller. That was a great job. I was bringing home $450,000 a week.--Joel Lindley
• I went to the 30th reunion of my preschool. I didn't want to go, because I've put on like a hundred pounds.--Wendy Liebman
• My favorite animal is steak.--Fran Lebowitz
• I know what men want. Men want to be really, really close to someone who will leave them alone.--Elayne Boosler
• I wanted to make it really special on Valentine's day, so I tied my boyfriend up. And for three solid hours I watched whatever I wanted on TV.--Tracy Smith
• I'll tell you how to beat the gambling in Las Vegas. When you get off the airplane, walk right into the propeller.--Henny Youngman
• If God had wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates.--Jay Leno
• I guess I just prefer to see the dark side of things. The glass is always half empty. And cracked. And I just cut my lip on it. And chipped a tooth. --Janeane Garofalo
• I took my parents back to the airport today. They leave tomorrow.--Margaret Smith
• I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck. But my lawyer thinks he can get me five.--Steven Wright
• Women now have choices. They can be married, not married, have a job, not have a job, be married with children, unmarried with children. Men have the same choice we've always had: work, or prison.--Tim Allen
• The 1960s were when hallucinogenic drugs were really, really big. And I don't think it's a coincidence that we had the shows then like The Flying Nun.--Ellen DeGeneres
• In the beginning there was nothing. God said, "Let there be light!" And there was light. There was still nothing, but you could see it a whole lot better.--Ellen DeGeneres
• A man on a date wonders if he'll get lucky. The woman knows.--Monica Piper
• Yesterday I was walking down the street wearing my eyeglasses and all of a sudden my prescription ran out.--Steven Wright
• I'm not a good lover, but at least I'm fast.-- Drew Carey
• Life is anything that dies when you stomp on it.-- Dave Barry
• Before I met my husband I'd never fallen in love, though I've stepped in it a few times.-- Rita Rudner
• I'm sitting on top of the world, and I've got hemorrhoids.-- Rodney Dangerfield
• Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery. Don't eat pork. I'm sorry, what was that last one? Don't eat pork? Is that the word of God, or is that pigs trying to outsmart everybody?-- Jon Stewart