Saturday, January 15, 2005

Holy Psycho Bitch Driver, Batman!

Someone sent me an e-mail joke Thursday and on Friday, the joke actually (partially) happened to me on my way to work.

I was driving down Phelan Boulevard approaching the Maury Meyers Overpass. Immediately after the overpass, I have to make a left turn so I checked behind me and there was a van in the left lane at least two car lengths behind me. I pulled into the left lane and immediately checked my rearview mirror again and the van was right on my ass. I mean, you couldn't have put a telephone book between our bumpers, that's how close she was. The speed limit on the overpass is 35 miles an hour and there's usually a motorcycle cop on the other side pulling over speeders so I always go the speed limit.

Psycho bitch driver evidently thought I was jacking with her by going slow so, big surprise, she whips around me on the right (I gave her my patented below-window-level-shoot-the-finger as she roared by) and then she cut right in front of me leaving the same telephone book sized space between our bumpers. God, I never wanted that policeman to be on the other side of that bridge so bad in my life which, of course, he wasn't.

As she whipped in front of me, I looked at her bumper, which seemed to be six inches in front of my face. That's when I saw it: a chrome Jesus fish! Very christian of you, lady. Do you shake your fist and shout at the minister when his sermon goes too long? Do you cut people off on your way to Communion? Do you take the last piece of pie at the covered dish supper? I bet you do.

Here's the joke:
A man is being tailgated by a stressed-out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turns yellow, just in front of him. He does the honest thing, and stops at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection. The tailgating woman hits the roof and the horn, screaming in frustration as she misses her chance to get through the intersection with him. Still in mid-rant, she hears a tap on her window and looks up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer orders her to exit her car with her hands up. He takes her to the police station where she is searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a cell. After a couple of hours, a policeman approaches the cell and opens the door. She is escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer is waiting with her personal effects. He says, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping the guy off in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me to Sunday School' bumper sticker, and the chrome plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk... Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car."

1 comment:

birdwoman said...

Damn, I hate drivers like that. It's another demonstration of my new theory - people are bigger jerks when they're anonymous.

I usually get through moments like this by trying to figure out what curse i would put on the driver. Usually, it's flaming, bleeding hemmorhoids...