Poor Pitiful Me

When I was three years old, I broke my leg jumping in the bed with my little sister and my uncle (don't freak out, my uncle is only 6 years older than me) while my grandmother was babysitting. It's a much longer story which involves weeks of traction in the hospital, weeks in a wheelchair and weeks in a cast. Did I mention that my mother was 7 months pregnant with my little brother? Yeah, it's a much longer story. To be continued...

*Pic*

Friday Night Standup - Tina Fey

• Harvard Medical School study has determined that rectal thermometers are still the best way to tell a baby's temperature. Plus, it really teaches the baby who's boss.
• An interim government was set up in Afghanistan. It included two women, one of whom was Minister of Women's Affairs. Man, who'd she have to show here ankles to to get that job?
• At the request of the Catholic Church, a three-day sex orgy to be held near Rio de Janeiro was cancelled last Friday. So instead I spent the weekend cleaning my apartment.
• I like to crack the jokes now and again, but it's only because I struggle with math.
• If you want to make an audience laugh, you dress a man up like an old lady and push her down the stairs. If you want to make comedy writers laugh, you push an actual old lady down the stairs.
• In a study, scientists report that drinking beer can be good for the liver. I'm sorry, did I say "scientists"? I meant "Irish people."
• Most of the time you're too busy to think about it. But every now and then you say, 'I work at "Saturday Night Live," and that is so cool.
• President Bush gave a rousing speech to the United Nations General Assembly. Afterward, in a touching show of support, every foreign dignitary shook hands with the president and smiled warmly as he mispronounced their names.
• President Bush unveiled his new economic stimulus plan this week. It was reported that if the plan passes the president himself would save $44,000 in taxes, Dick Cheney would save $327,000, and you could afford to take the whole family down to Burger King to pick up job applications.
• Researches reported that they developed a "self-healing" plastic that repairs itself if cracked. The plastic will change the way airplanes are built and medicine is practiced. In a related story, Joan Rivers will never die.
• The New York Post quoted Senator Hillary Clinton saying that she would never run for President, declaring "That is not something I'm going to be doing. "Which in Clinton talk means "I will be President in three years."

Wang Chi's Review of Styx

Before I post my Friday Night Standup, I want to give you a link to my friend John's impressions of the Styx concert last night. His post is much more informative than my inebriated babbling of yesterday evening. Smell the Glove...

Styx Kicked Ass!

I apologize (mea culpa, mea culpa, mea maxima culpa) to Cactus Canyon for saying their sound system sucks. Styx kicked ass. Escape (Journey tribute band) kicked ass and I can't hear a got-damn thing. My ears are ringing like a sonufabitch and, yes, there was a guy standing right in front of me with bright orange ear plugs. I will not denigrate him tonight, however, because, I repeat, I can't hear a got-damn thing. Work tomorrow should be quite interesting.

I have to get up in exactly 6 hours to go to said work and I'm more than a little bit drunk. Good night, sleep tight and I just wanted everyone who cares to know that I made the right decision going to see Styx instead of Leon Russell. It was great.

No offense Leon, you were also great last year but a choice had to be made.

I rock.

By the way, if I typed this with no errors I f**cking rock.

Mmmmm, Catfish!

I promise you this is the last big gross picture I'll post for a while. When someone sent this to me today, it made me think of that big ass alligator I posted a couple of days ago. This fish was apparently caught in Italy regardless of what the e-mail forwarded to you might have said. (The ones I received said it was caught in Texoma wherever that is.) I told you I was an excellent debunker.

Please note that the men are more than happy to be standing in water that contained this monster and still contains God knows what else. Evidently, American men (Texans in particular) aren't the only men who enjoy this sort of thing.

Grammar Lesson

Listen to me carefully. There are two words in the english language that are NEVER, NEVER, NEVER to be plural-ized. The words are all and anyway.

Examples of common usage which drive me absolutely bat-shit:

• Alls I told her was she was being stupid and she got all mad and stuff.
• So, anyways, I told him I didn't care if his ex-wife was on fire, he wasn't going back over there.

And the infamous double whammy which really tests my self-control:

• Anyways, alls I'm saying is that she's a dumbass.

Come Sail Away

One of my favorite South Park episodes is one where Cartman tells his friends that if he hears the opening line to the Styx song Come Sail Away, he has to sing the whole song. He just can't help himself. So, throughout the episode, his friends keep feeding him the line which causes Cartman to cuss (Son of a Bitch!!) and then sing the whole song at top speed. Hilarious.

A week ago, I was pondering whether to see Leon Russell or Styx this Thursday and I've decided to see Styx. I realize that Leon is a legend but I saw him last year and I've never seen Styx.

Hopefully, I won't be kicking myself Friday at work for making the wrong decision while I'm also kicking myself for being tired and hung over. I'm sailing away...

Old (Lady) Joke

Two little old ladies were sitting on a hard park bench.

One leaned over to the other and said, "We've been sitting here so long, my butt is going to sleep."

"I know," replied her companion, "I heard it snore three times."

Swimming With the Gators

I have a friend who lives on the bayou and has a pontoon boat. The first time I went out on the pontoon boat with him and another couple was the first time I had been on a boat in the bayou. It's beautiful and peaceful and I was told we would ride around the bayou and drink and swim and drink and ride and swim and barbeque and, just generally, relax.

I thought that sounded great but I knew there was no way in hell I was swimming in that bayou knowing there were alligators and snakes everywhere. Although I had never been on a boat in the bayou, I had eaten at many restaurants where you could go out on the porch and see the alligators swim by.

However, drinking and 90 degree heat can weaken even the strongest convictions. I put on a life jacket and carefully descended into the wonderfully cool, still water. Someone handed me my girlie drink (my bayou friend's specialty - a wonderful blend of vodka, frozen raspberry lemonade and frozen limeade, the perfect boat drink) and I was in heaven. We would swim around the boat and under the boat between the pontoons and I never gave a thought to snakes or fish or alligators.

At one point, the other girl with me and I noticed the men had swam off a short distance away from us and were talking quietly and staring off into the distance. She said, "What are they doing?" I said, "I don't know, I think they see something." That's when we saw it. An alligator on the opposite bank slipping into the water. My friend and I made a beeline for the boat ("F**k, f**k, f**k, f**k...") but realized the men weren't following.

My friend hollered, "What are you doing?" They turned around to us and said, "Stay in the water. It's alright. We're going to scare it away." My friend started yelling at her husband to come back and just get on the boat, but it was too late. The testerone and the vodka had blinded and deafened them to common sense and to the sounds of silly women's voices. Off they swam, smacking the water with their hands and feet like idiots trying to scare the alligator away.

If they were hoping to look like manly, cavemen, save-the-women-folk, heros, they were sadly off the mark. Instead, they looked like spastic dolphins smacking the water with their hands and feet and sounded like seals honking across the bayou. It was not a pretty sight and we were praying that no other boaters would come by and see us with those two goofballs. Of course, this being Southeast Texas and all, any men who would have passed would have happily jumped into the water and joined the fracas for fear of being called pussified.

Eventually, the alligator, which I'm sure was laughing it's ass off, went back on the shore, the men came back and the rest of the day was uneventful and we went dancing at the Rodair. Now, that's a full day.

Game Wardens Forced to Shoot Alligator

Before I forward things, I always check to be sure they aren't urban legends. If people send me crap, I immediately hit reply all and send them the link to the web page debunking that aforementioned crap. I have the Fasted Debunking Fingers in The West.

When Tracey sent us the above picture Friday, I immediately got an e-mail from Jen saying, "Laurie, please debunk this!" Not only could I not debunk it, but I also found the actual newspaper article which I include below.

Jen sent me the same e-mail, begging for a swift debunking, when we received an e-mail advising that the recently elected Pope is the second to the last Pope, right before Pope Satan (as we have come to refer to him in our little work e-mail sewing circle). I couldn't debunk that one either. Hmmm, I suddenly feel another blog post percolating.


By Michael WrightThe Facts
Published April 16, 2005

WEST COLUMBIA — Anita and Charlie Rogers could hear the bellowing in the night. Her neighbors in Bar X Ranch had been telling them they had seen a giant alligator in the bayou that runs behind their house, but they dismissed the stories as exaggerations.

“I didn’t believe it,” Charles Rogers said.

Friday they realized the stories were, if anything, understated. Texas Parks and Wildlife game wardens had to shoot the beast, which measured 13-feet, 1-inch long.

Friday Night Standup (Sort Of): Dan Quayle Quotes

• If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure.
• Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child.
• Welcome to President Bush, Mrs. Bush, and my fellow astronauts.
• Mars is essentially in the same orbit . . . Mars is somewhat the same distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe.
• What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is.
• The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century.
• I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy - but that could change.
• One word sums up probably the responsibility of any vice president, and that one word is to be prepared.
• Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things.
• I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future.
• The future will be better tomorrow.
• We're going to have the best-educated American people in the world.
• People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and have a tremendous impact on history.
• I stand by all the misstatements that I've made.
• We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a part of Europe.
• I am not part of the problem. I am a Republican.
• I love California, I practically grew up in Phoenix.
• A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.
• When I have been asked during these last weeks who caused the riots and the killing in L.A., my answer has been direct and simple: Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame.
• Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having it.
• We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur.
• For NASA, space is still a high priority.
• Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children.
• It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.
• [It's] time for the human race to enter the solar system.

What's a Gig?

Today, for no particular reason, I wondered why people use the word gig instead of job in the entertainment industry. A Google took me to a page with some interesting word origins which I have now linked to on my sidebar. The explanation of where the term gig came from is pretty long so I'll just leave you with the link.

Brain Overload

Yesterday at work, one of my friends was showing me her new shoes which had little nubbie things to massage the soles of your feet as you walk. I was trying to think of a word to describe the feeling it would give your feet and all my brain would come up with was exciting. I knew her feet weren't excited but the word I was trying to grab from the recesses of my brain wouldn't come to me.

I just kept looking at her saying, "You know? They make your feet excited. Not excited. Damn, what am I trying to say? They make your feet feel good so you feel good all over. What's the f**king word? Crap! They make your feet...sh**! STIMULATED! That's what they do. They stimulate your feet."

Yet, I went to the Champions on Ice show last night and, without hesitation, I was able to remember the name of Tara Lipinski when my friend suffered from the same brain constipation I had experienced earlier in the day. I couldn't come up with the word stimulated but I could remember Tara Lipinski. I'll never understand how my brain works.

4:20 or is it 4/20?

I'm not sure how we get on these subjects at work but during one of our e-mail conversations a couple of days ago (which, I swear, started out work related), the subject turned to the fact that in a couple of days it would be 4/20. One of the girls said that her doper girlfriend got married on 4/20.

I gave the group a big, "Huh?" and was given a brief history of the relationship between 4:20 p.m. and smoking pot. I guess all the people I ever knew who smoked pot had no particular time preference for indulging because I had never heard of this.

Here is another interesting link with includes a menu at a Coffee Shop in Amsterdam for all kinds of marijuana.

For some reason, this post is giving me the munchies. I wonder if Jack-In-The-Box is still open. Where did I hide those Twinkies?

NOTE: Ironically, the link to the 4:20 reference isn't working this morning. Somehow, I feel we shouldn't be surprised. You know how crazy those stoners can be. I'm sure someone's blowing dope into the server as we speak and giggling their asses off.

*Pic* Leon Russell

A Musical Dilemma

Next week, Styx and Leon Russell will be in Beaumont on the same night and I can't decide which show I want to see.

I saw Leon Russell last year and he was great. Just the thought that I would be about ten feet away from someone who had actually hung out with George Harrison was enough for me to fork over my $15. The show was fabulous and the fact that I was one degree of separation from George Harrison was cosmically incredible.

Since I've already seen Leon Russell, the logical choice would seem to be to go to Cactus Canyon and see Styx. However, Dennis DeYoung won't be with them. On the other hand, Tommy Shaw and James Young will be there. So, it would appear that Styx is in the lead.

However, when we consider venues, the choice becomes less clear. Cactus Canyon is rotten as a live music venue. It's a country-western dancehall that occasionally tries to dress up as a concert venue. This is no comparison for Antone's which has the best sound system in Beaumont for live music. Also, while Antone's feels like home to me, Cactus Canyon is - how shall I put this - icky.

The concert is still a week away and since neither show is reserved seating and neither show is likely to sell out, I still have time. Maybe I'll just toss a coin.

Guess

Anyone care to guess what the picture above is? If you don't know, you'll never guess. I was eating cashews yesterday and I realized I didn't know what a cashew looked like in the wild. So, of course, I had to look it up. I'm a big looker-upper although I guess the proper term would be a Google-er.

The picture above is a cashew (the part on the bottom). The fruit at the top is called a crab apple and they rot almost immediately after they're picked so they aren't marketed commercially. Only the cashews are harvested.

I had no idea. Ever since I've seen that picture, I haven't eaten another cashew. Perhaps if I could see a picture of a Krispy Kreme coming out of a baboon's ass, I could resist those, too.

*Pic*

Of Bogarts and Ego-Farts

My cousin Zina is a faithful reader of this blog. I want to publicly wish her a Happy Birthday. Her birthday was actually yesterday but Blogger wouldn't cooperate last night so birthday wishes (and this post) come a day late.

I received an e-mail from Zina regarding my use of the term bogard in one of my comments on my High Hitler post. I used the term referring to people who hold onto a reefer without passing it on. Zina referred me to this definition in the Urban Dictionionary (which now has its own link in my sidebar):

Bogart:
To keep something all for oneself, thus depriving anyone else of having any. A slang term derived from the last name of famous actor Humphrey Bogart because he often kept a cigarette in the corner of his mouth, seemingly never actually drawing on it or smoking it. Often used with weed or joints but can be applied to anything.

Don't bogart that blunt man, pass that over here!


Zina also noticed my mom's comment on the same post in which mom comtemplated Hitler's bad guts and wondered what it must have been like to sit behind him during one of his more rambunctious speeches (smelly, smelly was mom's deduction). Zina found the following definition in the Urban Dictionary which is applicable to that situation:

Ego-Fart:
Flatulence forced from one's body in a pompous, self-satisfying manner, without regard to the consideration of others.

Although his friends quickly rolled down the car windows, Shane was so full of himself, he took a big, proud whiff of his smelly ego-fart.

I hope today's post will prove useful as well as educational. You're welcome.

Just Close Your Eyes and Go

I've heard that the traffic in Rome is frighteningly dangerous. I've never been to Rome but I just got back from a place where everyone has the right-of-way and n0-one has the right of way all at the same time. That place is called the mall.

What Not to Wear: For Studly Man at Little River Band Concert

While I was watching the Little River Band last weekend, I noticed a guy standing in front of me. From the back, I was intrigued and moved in a little closer.

• Hair - no obvious dandruff, stylish cut
• Shirt - clean, neither too casual nor too dressy nor too blousy (although I do like a nice, girly, blousy top on a manly man)
• Jeans - nice ass

As you can see, it doesn't take a lot to pique my interest, especially after two Grande Suprema margaritas and a Smirnoff Ice. I had moved to within about two feet of him when he slowly started turning his head to the right. Hot damn, now I get to check out his profile.

My hopes were dashed and I moved away quickly (as quickly as I could after two Grande Suprema margaritas and a Smirnoff Ice) when I saw them...BRIGHT ORANGE EAR PLUGS.

Gentlemen, I don't care if your ears are bleeding, do not wear ear plugs to a concert. Stand in the back and bring binoculars or just hang out by the beer booth. I occasionally have sad little flashbacks of the image of those orange ear plugs glaring at me from that dude's ear sockets. On top of the general wrongness of wearing bright orange earplugs in public, keep in mind that it was Little River Band, not Metallica.

Call me superficial but no amount of nice ass-iness can make up for bright orange ear plugs.

Friday Night Standup - Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey

• Once while walking through the mall a guy came up to me and said "Hey, hows it going?". So I grabbed his arm and twisted it up behind his head and said "Now whose asking the questions?"
• When I was in the 3rd grade, a bully in school started beating me up every day. At first I didn't say anything, but then I told dad. He got a real scared look on his face and asked if the bully had a big dad. I said I didn't know. But he still seemed scared. And just a few days later we moved to a new town. Dad told me that if anyone picked on me, not to fight back. Unless I knew the kid didn't have a dad or the dad was real small. Otherwise just curl up in a ball.
• One thing vampire children are taught is, never run with a wooden stake.
• If you want to be the most popular person in your class, whenever the professor pauses in his lecture, just let out a big snort and say "How do you figger that!" real loud. Then lean back and sort of smirk.
• If you work on a lobster boat, sneaking up behind people and pinching them is probably a joke that gets old real fast.
• I think college administrators should encourage students to urinate on walls and bushes, because then when students from another college come sniffing around, they'll know this is someone else's territory.
• Sometimes life seems like a dream, especially when I look down and see that I forgot to put on my pants.
• Marta was watching the football game with me when she said, "You know, most of these sports are based on the idea of one group protecting its territory from invasion by another group." "Yeah," I said, trying not to laugh. Girls are funny.
• I think my new thing will be to try to be a real happy guy. I'll just walk around being real happy until some jerk says something stupid to me.
• Of all the imaginary friends I've had, I don't think there was one that I didn't end up having to kill.
• If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, forget em', cause, man, they're gone.
• When Gary told me he had found Jesus, I thought, Yahoo! We're rich! But it turned out to be something different.
• Probably the saddest thing you'll ever see is a mosquito sucking on a mummy. Forget it, little friend.
• Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he's carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he's carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet. And also, you're drunk.
• To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a hand?" you can say, "Sorry, got these sacks."
• The memories of my family outings are still a source of strength to me. I remember we'd all pile into the car - I forget what kind it was - and drive and drive. I'm not sure where we'd go, but I think there were some trees there. The smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever sport we played. I remember a bigger, older guy we called "Dad." We'd eat some stuff, or not, and then I think we went home. I guess some things never leave you.
• If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."
• One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said, "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.
• If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's real embarrassing if someone tries to kill you.
• If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and your friends are all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were swimming.
• When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us. It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear.
• If they ever come up with a swashbuckling school, I think one of the courses should be laughing, then jumping off something.
• When you're riding in a time machine way far into the future, don't stick your elbow out the window, or it'll turn into a fossil.
• I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then, when somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go, "What was THAT?!"
• Ambition is like a frog sitting on a Venus Flytrap. The flytrap can bite and bite, but it won't bother the frog because it only has little tiny plant teeth. But some other stuff could happen and it could be like ambition.
• When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges.
• We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me.
• I wish outer space guys would conquer the Earth and make people their pets, because I'd like to have one of those little beds with my name on it.
• If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one of those small pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think how stupid war is, and while they are thinking, you can throw a real grenade at them.
• I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.
  
  

Pink Freud

This is great.

Tax Day Pop Quiz

1. How many of the local news stations will have a reporter stationed at the post office tomorrow, April 15th, to catch all of the last minute income tax filers mailing their returns? Answer: All of them.
2. How many of those reporters will be asking the same insipid, inane and asinine questions of those late filers that they ask every year? Answer: All of them.
3. How many of those same reporters will go home and question their career choice? Answer: All of them.
   

Some More of These

• The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
• Veni, Vedi, Visa: I came, I saw, I did a little shopping.
• Disarm rapists.
• Experience is learning a lot of crap you didn't really want to know.
• I used to care, but I take a pill for that now.
• Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
• Taxation with representation isn't so hot, either.
• Better living through denial.
• A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

Step Away From the Sushi

One of the teasers on the CBS Evening News tonight regarding a story they will have tomorrow night stated that fish may be intelligent and insinuated that this might change the eating habits of humans. I didn't realize that intelligence was supposed to be the criteria for deciding what and what not to eat. If that's the case, I know a few humans who better be real happy that cannibalism is taboo.

Carnivore that I am, the memory of Arnold Ziffle has never kept me from enjoying a nice pork loin or Easter ham. I also once saw a chicken in Arkansas that could play tic-tac-toe which has never affected my yen for a great big plate of General Tso's. So, I'm guessing the possible intelligence of fish won't factor into my menu choice the next time I'm at Pappadeaux's.

Sorry Charlie.

High Hitler

The prize for Most Unintentionally Humorous Title for an Educational Program goes to the History Channel for High Hitler. The program was a documentary about Hitler's drug abuse.

I wasn't going to post about this but when I grinned every time I thought about it today, I couldn't help myself. I would understand if it was a sitcom on the WB or UPN or a National Lampoon movie, but a documentary on the History Channel?

High Hitler. That's funny.

Tombstone Terry-tory

I've told you before that my family has an odd sense of humor. For a good 20 minutes at our annual family Easter crawfish boil, we riffed on what would be on my sister Terry's tombstone. Here are some of the best that I remember:

• I'm done.
• I told you I was sick.
• That's all I got.
• Last call.
• Somebody order pizza for the kids.
• Heaven looks a lot like New Orleans.
• Hell smells a lot like New Orleans.
• I just need to lay down for a minute.
• It was Dan's fault. (Dan's her husband of 23 years if you hadn't guessed.)
• Hey, my foot doesn't hurt anymore.
• What do you mean there's no beer in Heaven?
• What do you mean there's no beer in Hell?

Saturday Night Standup

From Big Wacko:

• I was a bank teller. That was a great job. I was bringing home $450,000 a week.--Joel Lindley
• I went to the 30th reunion of my preschool. I didn't want to go, because I've put on like a hundred pounds.--Wendy Liebman
• My favorite animal is steak.--Fran Lebowitz
• I know what men want. Men want to be really, really close to someone who will leave them alone.--Elayne Boosler
• I wanted to make it really special on Valentine's day, so I tied my boyfriend up. And for three solid hours I watched whatever I wanted on TV.--Tracy Smith
• I'll tell you how to beat the gambling in Las Vegas. When you get off the airplane, walk right into the propeller.--Henny Youngman
• If God had wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates.--Jay Leno
• I guess I just prefer to see the dark side of things. The glass is always half empty. And cracked. And I just cut my lip on it. And chipped a tooth. --Janeane Garofalo
• I took my parents back to the airport today. They leave tomorrow.--Margaret Smith
• I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck. But my lawyer thinks he can get me five.--Steven Wright
• Women now have choices. They can be married, not married, have a job, not have a job, be married with children, unmarried with children. Men have the same choice we've always had: work, or prison.--Tim Allen
• The 1960s were when hallucinogenic drugs were really, really big. And I don't think it's a coincidence that we had the shows then like The Flying Nun.--Ellen DeGeneres
• In the beginning there was nothing. God said, "Let there be light!" And there was light. There was still nothing, but you could see it a whole lot better.--Ellen DeGeneres
• A man on a date wonders if he'll get lucky. The woman knows.--Monica Piper
• Yesterday I was walking down the street wearing my eyeglasses and all of a sudden my prescription ran out.--Steven Wright
• I'm not a good lover, but at least I'm fast.-- Drew Carey
• Life is anything that dies when you stomp on it.-- Dave Barry
• Before I met my husband I'd never fallen in love, though I've stepped in it a few times.-- Rita Rudner
• I'm sitting on top of the world, and I've got hemorrhoids.-- Rodney Dangerfield
• Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery. Don't eat pork. I'm sorry, what was that last one? Don't eat pork? Is that the word of God, or is that pigs trying to outsmart everybody?-- Jon Stewart

Little River Band - Part Two

Before Old Horsetail Snake sends out a lynch mob, I better do a real post before posting my usual Saturday Night Standup.

The Little River Band played on Crockett Street last night as part of the Gulf Coast Motorcycle Rally. Half the parking lot was blocked off so the thousands of anticipated motorcycles could park. I went in the back gate and didn't realize this. It's hard to find a parking spot downtown so I saw a spot on the first row and was deliriously happy. The only problem, I thought, was that to get to the spot I had to squeeze through a narrow space left between a car parked on my left and a van which I thought was illegally parked on the right.

The van, actually, was not illegally parked. It was, unbeknownst to me, there to keep idiots like me from going into that section of the parking lot. I expertly navigated the narrow opening to enter Nirvana, the perfect parking space. As I drove down the row, however, I noticed that right before the perfect parking space, there was a barricade and a row of orange cones. F**k!

I looked around and there was no space to turn around and no one to move the barricade. It was 5:30 p.m. (my sister, Bonnie, and I were meeting right after work for dinner and margaritas at Rio Ritas) so it was early enough that there was no one in the parking lot to help me. A few hundred feet to my right, however, Little River Band (or their roadies) was on stage doing a sound check and had an excellent view of my dumb ass.

I pulled forward. I pulled back. I turned the wheel left. I turned the wheel right. I pulled a little forward. I pulled a little backward. You get the picture. After about five minutes, I finally got turned around and even in my embarrassment, once again expertly navigated the narrow opening out of Nirvana and parked waaayyy at the back of the lot.

I don't know if Little River Band saw my parking lot antics but I swear they were pointing and laughing at me during their show. I think I read the lips of the lead singer telling the lead guitarist, "Crazy Texas woman driver, front row."

Of course, he was probably saying, "Drunk Texas woman in her push-up bra, waving her hands in the air, diving for guitar picks, singing along with every song off-key, front row."

NOTE: The evening was wonderful and got a lot more interesting and if I had posted last night when I got home, you would have gotten a much more entertaining post. I hate to make more promises, Old Horsetail, but one day, I might be brave enough to elaborate.

Little River Band Rocks

Just got home from Crockett Street and saw Little River Band. They were amazing. I'll post more tomorrow. Anything I say tonight might incriminate me.

FBI Ten Most Wanted

After posting such a disturbing entry last night, I thought I would lighten things up a bit. Then I changed my mind. When I was a very young girl (I couldn't have been more than 4 or 5 because I remember jumping into my daddy's lap every time it came on), the local news channel would show the FBI Ten Most Wanted right before the news. It always totally freaked me out. I would jump into dad's lap and hide my face until he told me it was over. I was so obviously affected by the faces of the fugitives that my sister, Terry, didn't even make fun of me.

What's so strange is that now I watch every CSI, Court TV Investigations, Biography Channel Notorious, serial killer, pervert, true-life freakazoid documentary program that comes on television. Then, I go to bed and sleep like a baby. I can't pinpoint when the change occurred but I think it might have had something to do with Clint Eastwood and Dirty Harry. Go ahead, punk. Make my day.

(Don't forget to click on the Ten Most Wanted link. It will totally freak you out. Sweet dreams and sleep tight.)

Blogger Trouble

I couldn't post my post from last night because Blogger was acting weird at home. It seems okay here at work but my brilliant post is on my computer at home. So you'll just have to wait. No begging and whining please.

Pubic...Oops...Public Service Announcement: Fractured Penis

Exactly how does one go about fracturing a penis anyway? I will spare you the preliminary conversation we had at the office leading up to that question. Naturally, I had to look it up. The following is copied directly from WebMD:

Fractures to the penis, although uncommon, do occur. Discussing this in casual terms almost always causes men to cross their legs in response to the mere thought of this catastrophe. Even seasoned medical professionals cringe. Many physicians don't understand the underlying mechanism of this injury. Penile fracture can only occur with an erection. The vast majority of these injuries occur with sexual activity, although I have personally seen cases of a fractured penis that resulted when a man rolled on top of an erect penis while sleeping.

Penile fractures can also happen during masturbation. In one case, a teenager who was masturbating forced his erect penis into his jeans at the fear of discovery and fractured it. The vast majority of patients are so embarrassed they will often manufacture elaborate stories. In these scenarios, the old adage "truth is stranger than fiction" becomes significant. I have never seen a penile fracture in a man with a short penis. Fractures typically occur in men with longer-than-average penises, although I am certain it can happen in the whole spectrum of penis sizes.

The symptom complex is fairly classic. Typically the partner is on top, the penis becomes dislodged from the vagina and in an attempt to reinsert it, the partner will come down on the penis, striking the symphysis pubis, the female pelvic bone, just missing the vaginal opening, and creating a sudden bending. A loud snap and excruciating pain always follows, as well as the rapid development of a hematoma or bruise. Roughly 20 percent of the men will have an associated urethral injury as well. These injuries are not difficult to diagnose, and symptoms will depend upon the severity of the fracture.

Men with penile fractures are in excruciating pain and have a black-and-blue penis. When the diagnosis is equivocal--that is, there is a large bruise, but no obvious distortion or destruction--the penis is evaluated with corporal cavernosography. The urologist or radiologist places a fine needle into the corporal body of the penis and injects contrast material in order to examine the shape of the corporal bodies and to look for leakage. If there is a question of urethral injury, a retrograde urethrogram is also performed in which contrast material is instilled down the urethra via a small tube or catheter to look for leakage. Urethral injury is usually evident with blood in the urine at the time of the workup.

Surgery is the best treatment for fractures. The faster the torn tissues can be reapproximated, the better the healing process. The problem with conservative management is that fibrosis of the lining of the corporal body can create a bend and poor healing, as with a broken arm. Additionally, complications from expanding blood clots, such as a blood clot accumulation or a hematoma, or an infection of the hematoma can occur. These men with penile fractures are typically young, sexually active, and highly motivated to resume sexual activity as soon as the healing process is complete so surgery is often the best treatment.

There now. Aren't you glad you asked?

Gnats!

We're having a gnat infestation at our office. Okay, it's not exactly an infestation. It's more like one gnat per person per office. About the time, I forget we're having a gnat problem, one flies right in my face causing me to go all spastic and cross-eyed.

I hate gnats. I always think they’re going to fly up my nose so I end up frantically batting them away like a crackhead having a slap fight with Satan.

My Brother's New Dog

My brother and his family have a new dog. Here's Kim's e-mail describing their newest family member:

• His name is "Punkin" and we got him from the Bentonville Animal Shelter (the day before they were to put him to sleep). We think he's adorable!!!! He is a Shih Tzu, and we have no idea how old he is. He weighs 18 lbs. and is house broken. He earned a lot of points when the doorbell rang and he didn't bark!!! Yeah!!!!
  

*Pic* Stu, Christian and Punkin

*Pic* Christian and Punkin

*Pic* Christian, Stu, Sean and Punkin

Who Perry?

Last night was once again tribute band night at Antone's. Image 6 (a local band) opened for Escape, a Journey tribute band. This was our second time to see them and my previous review is here.

As the night went on, and the bourbon (John) and cranberry/Stolies (me) flowed, we became Perry confused. So, for posterity, and to clear my foggy head this morning (damn! I lost an hour and it's almost noon) I present a Perry glossary:

• Luke Perry - Beverly Hills 90210 fame
• Rick Perry - governor of Texas (As we were trying to sort out Perrys, I said, "Isn't Rick Perry a politician or something?" Damn Stolichnaya.)
• Joe Perry - guitarist for Aerosmith
• Steve Perry - lead singer for Journey (hence the beginning of our inebriated confusion)
• Steve Tyler - lead singer for Aerosmith (Steve Tyler makes the list, and added to the confusion, by association with Joe Perry and a common first name with Steve Perry)

Any questions? Anyone? Anyone?

Rest in Peace

It's been a greedy week for the grim reaper:

• Another serious earthquake
• Johnny Cochran
• Terry Schiavo
• My friend Kelly's grandmother
• The Pope
• Mitch Hedberg (The link is to one of my posts from a couple of weeks ago titled Part 1 because he was so witty and so fascinating, I knew there would be more. So sad.)

May they all rest in peace.

INCOMING!!

Friday Night Standup - Yakov Smirnoff

• Homosexuality in Russia is a crime and the punishment is seven years in prison, locked up with the other men. There is a three year waiting list.
• In America you can always find a party. In Russia the party always finds you.
• In Russia we only had two TV channels. Channel One was propaganda. Channel Two consisted of a KGB officer telling you: Turn back at once to Channel One.
• In Russia, if a male athlete loses he becomes a female athelete.
• Many people are surprised to hear that we have comedians in Russia, but they are there. They are dead, but they are there.

Yakov Smirnoff website