Marvin continues to require advice from Abbie Normal. Since my aspiring advice columnists are still emotionally unavailable, I have once again come to his rescue.
Dear Abbie Normal:
I'm a compulsive liar but nobody believes me. Help!!!
Answer:
I believe you.
Your friend in truth,
Pinocchio
Dear Abbie Normal:
Say I take my lovely wife to Chili's for their famous babyback ribs. When the waitress brings our food, is it appropriate to say, "Wow, what a beautiful rack you're carrying."
Answer:
It is indeed appropriate. Before making this adorable observation, however, be sure you are wearing stain resistant Dockers and there are clean linens for the couch.
Dear Abbie Normal:
What is the definition of spousal abuse, and just how far does it apply to justifiable homicide?
The legal definition of spousal abuse: Anything done by a husband that pisses off the wife. Conversely, short of shooting the husband or setting his bed on fire, there is no equivalent definition for spousal abuse of a husband by the wife.
Dear Abbie Normal:
If Hooters delivered, should they change their name to Knockers?
Answer:
Yes. And their delivery customers would be called “second degree felony Hooter/Knocker-Stalkers.”
Dear Abbie Normals:
I work with a lady that always has one nipple hard. Not two, just one. While I'm compelled to ask what might cause this, I'm more interested in knowing the etiquette of serenading her with The Wallflowers "One Headlight" as a tribute. Thoughts?
Answer:
The medical term for her condition is “Purple Nurple-itis.” Please be considerate and try not to stare. If you must stare, please close one eye.
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