Note from Laurie: The following Abbie Normal letter is (obviously) not from Marvin. However, Marvin, couldn't resist responding to her dilemma. We're still working on a name for Marvin's advice personna but, for now, I have created a suitable temporary pseudonym.
Dear Abbie Normal:
Well it's that time of year again. The time for a wonderful and warm gathering with the family to indulge in a Thanksgiving feast. However, I have an idea for an alternate plan this year. You see, Abby, I have a fifteen-year-old who lives with me and is somewhat of a prude who believes that her mother has had sex only twice in her lifetime. Once when I conceived her sister and the second time when I conceived her. I have decided after much thought and ponderance that I would forsake the holidays with the Addams Family this year and spend some quality time alone getting to know myself and catching up on some much needed apartment organizing.
I recently found out that one of the biggest nights to go out and socialize is the Wednesday night before Thanksgiving. In gaining that information, it came to mind that I might have a possibility of getting laid. I would truly give thanks for that as it has been some time since I have had drunken monkey sex. I was wondering, do you think if I put on my new black $300.00 outfit which consists of a tight furry sweater and tight black pants with silver buttons down the side of the legs and go down to Crockett Street, that I might have a possibility of meeting someone who could assist me with my dilema?
Or should I just stay home and really get to know myself better? I um, feel, uh, like I know myself extremely well.
Grace Slick's Twin Sister (of different mothers)
Dear Grace Slick’s Twin:
Since you and your (white?) "rabbit” have probably had enough practice “getting to know yourself”, you are probably ready for the real thing. Use protection, clean up after yourself and, as Luke Skywalker would say, may the sexual force be with you.
I hear you're looking go out next week, maybe fill a void in your life. (I love that pun).
From the cheap seats of the peanut gallery, I offer these words...
Tears are running down and down and down your breast
And your friends, baby they treat you like a guest
Don't you want somebody to love, don't you...
Need somebody to love, wouldn't you...
Love somebody to love, you better...
Find somebody to looooooooooooooooooove.