Wednesday, May 11, 2005

My Imitation of Tara Reid (and a Big Ass Moose)

The moose picture and Tara Reid mention (along with the link below showing her left boob) are only to trick the men into reading this post about my mammogram today. (Who am I kidding? You guys went straight to the Tara boob link, didn't you?)

Before I left the office to go to the clinic for the dreaded smushing, one of my friends said she didn't think it was fair that she should have to pay full price for a mammogram since her boobs are so small. This reminded me of my first mammogram. The clinic called me a day or so after the test and informed me I had to go back in, which scared the hell out of me. It turned out that my boobs were so big and dense (a lovely word), that they needed to use the bigger machine. It reminded me of Roy Scheider in Jaws: We gotta get a bigger boat!

Now, for my imitation of Tara Reid on the Red Carpet. (Don't click there, yet. I'm not done.) Before the mammogram, I was put in a little room and told to strip from the waist up and put on one of your standard issue hospital gowns with the opening to the front. They then handed me a clipboard with the same patient history sheet I have to fill out EVERY DAMN TIME I go back for a mammogram. I was having a hell of a time keeping my right boob in the gown while balancing the clipboard and trying to write the SAME DAMN INFORMATION I've written on that wretched clipboard for the last ten years.

I finally gave up and sat there with one boob hanging out while I wrote. I didn't even give a crap. I had been there an hour and a half while my work piled up back at the office and, if anyone walked into that room, they were going to get a great big eyeful of boob. It would have made it all worth my time just to see the look on some old lady's face. However, I got called in for my squishing before anyone came in. Maybe next time.

Okay, now you can go look at Tara's boob.

*Pic* Posted by Hello


Dick said...

Hell of a moose!
We all need to work together to stop shoe farts. Perhaps, we can get Sally Struthers to get people to adopt a shoe fart in Africa. Then perhaps in Bridge City.

Your fav file clerk said...

Find me a link to Constantine's goods!!!!!

Larry Jones said...

1. Thank God for these bimbos!
2. What is it with taking off your clothes in doctors' offices? Last time I had to pee in a bottle for a drug test, they wanted me naked. NAKED! I told them I've learned how to do it using the zipper on my pants, and I offered to show them.

Abby Taylor said...

You should get your mammograms done where I have mine done. Turns out there's this guy on the corner of 5th and Market every other Saturday night after nine p.m. who will do the mammogram in his "office" for only a $5.00 copay. It's a heck of a deal.

OldRoses said...

Wow, ten years. You're brave. I went once and it was so incredibly painful that I never went back.

Ed Abbey said...

I learned long ago that modest is best left at home when wearing a hospital gown or going on a month long Grand Canyon dory trip.

My greatest fear is that someday I am going to walk into an art shop and see a nude painting of myself toweling off on a rock along the river as a result of that trip. She claimed she wasn't painting me but she also never showed me the painting.

OldHorsetailSnake said...

I didn't go see Tara because nobody got dense boobs like ol' Tex. (Is dense good?)

Laurie said...

Dick - Isn't Bridge City the shoe fart capital of Texas?

File Clerk - When I find Constantine's goods, you'll be the first to know.

Larry - I've heard of all kinds of ways for people to fake the pee in a bottle thing. Perhaps they thought you looked like the sneaky pot-smoking sort.

Abby - We have one of those! He's Bubba the Mammo-Dude.

Old Roses - It ain't no picnic.

Ed - Too late. I already saw the painting on E-bay. I think Paris Hilton bought it.

Old Horsetail - I love it when you talk dirty. (We shall pretend that dense is good.)

Danno said...

Tara Reid's boob is horrific, I had to stifle a shriek when I scrolled down! She waits until she has a huge nipple scar to let her top fall down, Yikes. It is funny seeing her smiling away, without a clue that Frankentit is hanging out for all to see. Classic!

Laurie said...

Danno - I knew it was scary to me but I didn't know if men thought it was a bit frightening also.

Danno said...

Pretty scary. I never thought I would ask a woman to put her shirt back on!

Lorna said...

I, who know boobs and mammograms well, was not fooled---that's a pastie, and a Dollar Store one at that.

Laurie said...

Lorna - I think it looks like they botched the nipple re-attachment after her boob surgery. If it is a pastie, she needs to get her money back, even if it was only a dollar.