As I was showering the other morning (all of my best ideas and strangest thoughts occur in the shower), I thought about how paralyzed with indecision I would be if I suddenly woke up in someone else’s body. We take for granted all of the little idiosyncrasies we have pertaining to the physical and emotional upkeep of ourselves.
Emotionally speaking, for the most part, most of us generally know how to talk ourselves back off the ledge when we’re teetering on dangerous ground. However, what if you were forced to use someone else’s brain encumbered by a lifetime of their emotions and experiences both good and bad? Trying to harness someone else’s feelings would be difficult but, on a practical level, what about the physical stuff? What if I woke up and I was suddenly a man? I wouldn’t know where to begin to deal with all of that…stuff…down there.
So, those are the two biggies: other people’s emotions and genitals of the opposite sex. But, what about the practical stuff? You might have to put yourself on a whole new toenail clipping regimen. You wouldn’t even know which foods you like or dislike until you tried to eat a rutabaga and puked on someone’s shoes. You might not know you were allergic to peanuts until you woke up standing at the Pearly Gates asking St. Peter what the hell happened.
How does this new body react to caffeine? Alcohol? From years of experience, I know exactly how much I can drink in what timeframe after eating how much food. It’s a delicate balance involving equations and logarithms and the metric system. I don’t always follow my own carefully set guidelines but I know precisely what the consequences will be if I don’t. What if I woke up in the body of a lightweight that got smashed after one glass of wine? Sure, I’d save a lot of money but I’d also miss a lot of encores and late night breakfasts.
What about shampoo? Do I need a conditioner? Do I have dandruff? Which toothpaste and deodorant works best on my particular dental work and pits? Do I need the extra soft Charmin or is my bum just as happy with the bargain stuff?
I spend a lot of time in the shower.