If I Were a Rich Man...

If I were rich and I had a stalker (Madonna, Janet Jackson - are you listening?), I would assign one of my many bodyguards to stalk the stalker. Then I would always know where he was. No surprises. Anytime the stalker appeared to be on a mission to do any stalking, my faithful bodyguard would covertly let the air out of his tires or accidentally body slam him. He would be foiled at every turn and if he became particularly violent or threatening, he might accidentally fall off a curb in front of a bus.