Friday Night Standup (Saturday Morning Version) - Love and Marriage

• I'm a terrible lover. I've actually given a woman an anti-climax.-- Scott Roeben
• I'm still going on bad dates when by now I should be in a bad marriage.-- Laura Kightlinger
• My classmates would copulate with anything that moved but I never saw any reason to limit myself.-- Emo Philips
• You can't put a price tag on love but you can on all its accessories.-- Melanie Clark
• To attract men I wear a special perfume. It's called New Car Interior.-- Rita Rudner
• If men could get pregnant, abortion would be a sacrament.-- Florynce Kennedy
• A guy knows he's in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days.-- Tim Allen
• I've been on so many blind dates I should get a free dog.-- Wendy Liebman
• The big difference between sex for money & sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less.-- Brendan Francis
• I can't remember the last time we made love. She says, "Well I can - and that's why we're not."-- Rodney Dangerfield (& wife)
• Male sexual response is far brisker & more automatic. It is triggered easily by things like putting a quarter in a vending machine.-- Dr. Alex Comfort
• Studies have found a number of mechanical devices increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL convertible.-- P.J. O'Rourke
• Politics is the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.-- Ronald Reagan
• Shopping is better than sex because if you're not satisfied after shopping, you can exchange it for something you really like.-- Adrienne Gusoff
• When a man and woman are trying to have sex, he will often climax before she is ready. Sometimes before she is, technically, in the room.-- Dave Barry
• The pleasure is momentary, the position ridiculous and the expense damnable. (His Lordship commenting on sex)-- Lord Chesterfield
• I date this girl for two years and then the nagging starts:"I wanna know your name !"-- Mike Binder
• I'm a Double Bagger. My husband puts a bag over my face to make love. Then he puts one on his in case mine falls off.-- Joan Rivers
• If the authorities warn you of the dangers sex, there is an important lesson to be learned: Do not have sex with the authorities.-- Matt Groening
• My wife is a sex object. Every time I ask for sex, she objects.-- Les Dawson
• There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination, you can overcome that.-- Lewis Grizzard
• Sex is like art. Most of it is pretty bad, and the good stuff is out of your price range.-- Scott Roeben
• I'd like to meet the person who invented sex. First of all, just to say "THANKS !!!" But more importantly, to see what they're working on now.-- George Carlin